Cyrano comes up with various nose-based insults on the spot

DE VALVERT:
I'll take the challenge. I'll treat him to one of my quips! See here! [With a conceited air, he goes up to
CYRANO, who is watching him.] Sir, your nose is…hmm…it is…very big!
CYRANO:
[gravely] Very!
DE VALVERT:
[laughing] Ha!
CYRANO:
[calmly] Is that all?
DE VALVERT:
What do you mean?
CYRANO:
Ah no, young man! That was a trifle short! You might have said at least a hundred things by varying
the tone. Shall I give you a few examples?
Aggressive:
“Sir, if I had such a nose, I'd amputate it!”
Friendly:
“It must annoy you when it dips into your drink. You really should have a specially shaped goblet, I
think!”
Descriptive:
“’Tis a rock, a peak, a cape, a peninsula!”
Curious:
“What is the purpose of that large container? Do you keep your pens and ink in it?”
Gracious:
“Oh, how you must love the birds! I see you've made them a nice perch for their tiny feet!”
Hostile:
“When you enjoy your pipe and the smoke spouts from your nose, the neighbors must think the
chimney's on fire!”
Considerate:
“When you stroll, keep your head bowed low, else head over heels you just might go!”
Tender:
“Oh, someone please get a small umbrella made, else in the sun its bright color might fade!”
Pedantic:
“Only such a beast as Aristophanes’ hippocampelephantocamelos could have possessed such a large
lump of flesh and bone beneath its forehead!”
Flippant:
“What a fashionable hook to hang your hat on!”
Emphatic:
“No wind but the Arctic blast would be strong enough to give you a cold, oh majestic nose!”
Dramatic:
“When it bleeds, it's like the Red Sea!”
Admiring:
“Oh, what a perfect sign for a perfume shop!”
Lyrical:
“Is that a conch? And you, a Triton?”
Simple:
“Is that monument open for public viewing?”
Rustic:
“Is that thing a nose? No, it must be a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize watermelon!”
Military:
“Aim that cannon at the enemy and blast away!”
Practical:
“Put it in the lottery! I'm sure it would be the biggest prize!”
Or, in a parody of Pyramus, “Behold the nose that mars the beauty of its owner's face. How red with
shame it is, the traitor!”
All of these things you might have said, if you were a man of wit and letters in the slightest. But,
sadly, of wit you never had an atom, and of letters you have only three—and they spell Ass! And even
if you were intelligent enough to think of witty remarks like the ones I just listed, you would not have
been able to utter a single one of them. Because I allow such jokes only when spoken by myself, and
never by any other man that breathes!
DE GUICHE:
[trying to draw away the dismayed DE VALVERT] Come away, Viscount!
DE VALVERT:
[choking with rage] Listen to this arrogant lout! A barbarian who wears no gloves …who comes out in
public without any ribbons and lace!
CYRANO:
True, all my elegances are within. I do not dress up like a pretentious dandy when I go out. But I'll tell
you this: I groom myself more thoroughly than you. I would never venture out in public with a soiled
conscience, a tarnished honor, or scruples grimy and dull. I do not adorn myself with gems and
ribbons, like you. Instead, I decorate myself with truth, independence and a clean soul. I am not
ornamented with tassels and lace but with proud and brave exploits instead. My spirit is sharper than
your stiff mustache. When I walk among the crowds and chattering groups, I make Truth ring bravely
out like a clash of spurs!

(Scene IV, Page 31)