Lilly Route: Conflict: 2-13: Out In The Open

Over the next few days, I have plenty of opportunity to explore both the Hakamichi house as well as the nearby city to get my bearings. It's a bit refreshing being back in an urban environment, but a little strange as well. After so much time away at Yamaku I was getting used to the clean air and open spaces of the countryside. The park out back helps but it takes me a while to get used to the sounds of cars at night and the first few times I smell exhaust I get nauseous though no more than I usually feel when I'm on my medication. It's funny that after spending my entire life in a city that a few months at Yamaku seems to have wiped all that city life away, replacing it with an appreciation for the quite countryside and a slow rural pace. I won't say I have my city legs back yet entirely but it's still an interesting sensation to acclimate to once more.

The city isn't the only thing that gives me interesting things to observe; my previous thoughts regarding the Hakamichi house being very tribal turns out to be eerily accurate. With such a big home, you would think it would be easy to avoid seeing other people but it seems that it's impossible to go for more than an hour without bumping into someone with their own crisis or issue they are dealing with. Shizune and Misha are in and out of the house at all times going shopping or spending time in the city, so much so that I hardly see them at all. It's kind of refreshing not having the two of them hounding me at all hours but they seem to want to spend as little time at the house as they can manage which I don't blame them for. Most of the time them being indoors results in Jigoro tracking them down and starting some stupid disagreement between him and Shizune, dragging Misha in by proxy.

You would think that with Shizune being unable to speak or hear he wouldn't have much to say to her but it seems to be all he does, bellowing about this or that for some reason. I don't think Misha understands half of what they tell each other even while she acts as translator, as many of the arguments I overhear sound pretty hurtful other than Misha's cheery way of delivering them. Hideaki seems to be more capable of dealing with his father; when I'm not with Lilly, he tags around me which I don't mind too much. I've never been someone's hero before and I think it's best to deal with him like I did with Kenji on the rooftop; humor him, be patient and just try and listen. Lilly was there to be Hanako's friend and things turned out well with me and Kenji, so I guess I should make some effort to be nice to Hideaki. Even so, he may hang around me a lot but once his father draws near, he is very good at vanishing without a trace. I'll have to ask him if that's one of his magic tricks and if he'll teach me how to do it to avoid Mr. Satou.

The situation seems to be a mirror for Akira who gets almost the same from her father that Hideaki and Shizune get from Jigoro, at least when Lilly isn't around. He never seems to berate Akira as harshly when Lilly is near at hand and the eldest Satou spends most of her time in the city as well or around me and Lilly, though I'm not entirely ungrateful for the company. I feel better when Akira is with the two of us, like there's safety in numbers in this strange home that feels a little bit like the feudal era or some crazy contest where all the people in a house are looking to stab each other in the back.

Speaking of which, summer gets off on the right track between me and Lilly. From the moment I wake up she's the first thing I think of and while we may not be sharing a room here, I get the feeling that she has the same waking thoughts as well. As soon as I lift my head from my pillow, I take my pills and I'm out the door, eager to get my jogging out of the way so she and I can start another day of our fast dwindling vacation together. After being separated for so long, it brightens my life considerably to have her near at hand. I try to stick to what is normal for us as much as I am able but with her father stalking around the house, it's difficult to do anything too personnel with her. When he's around I notice Lilly acts more proper and slightly distant, much like she did when she and I first met, though she never seems too shy to be affectionate with me once he's out of earshot. I think she may be embarrassed to act casually regarding our relationship with her father around but it doesn't bother me that much. I guess that may be a normal reaction; I was certainly nervous when Lilly met my parents so it's only natural she would feel the same with her father around. I'm just glad to be with her and to have an actual summer spent together.

A few days after arriving at the Hakamichi's, I'm outside once more taking a couple of easy, slow laps around the pond. I feel a little uncomfortable just having these slow jogs when I should be running or doing something more strenuous but I keep reinforcing that patience is a virtue in this; I'm no track star like Emi and I can't push myself too hard. It may not be a lap around the track at Yamaku but it isn't a lazy walk down to the convenience store either. It's somewhere in-between and that's a perfect place for me to launch from to start working on my health. With my medication, these walks don't seem like such a big deal but I know they'll prepare me for some real progress once school starts. I keep reminding myself that I'm laying a foundation for something greater tomorrow, so I keep up at it, though by no means do I go easy on myself. Each day is either another lap or a faster time, pushing myself just a tiny bit to get that same level of work from the day before. It's refreshing and while it's not like when I ran with Emi on the track, that's a good thing; Lilly's worrying has me concerned, so I've been especially careful to make sure I don't do anything that could put me at risk or trouble her over my actions. I take my precautions, making sure I have my phone whenever I go out and that Hideaki knows when I'll be running and when to expect me back. He takes the duty like a grim service and is very serious about it for which I'm grateful. Having him on speed dial makes me feel a little more secure and I think exchanging numbers ingratiated me to him greatly.

I take the turn around the pond, trees overhead and a few ducks quacking at me from the water. It's very early and there aren't many people in the park as most days I find it empty except for possibly another jogger or an old couple on an early morning stroll. I don't feel too worried about them noticing me and I've also noticed that I don't get as many glances from them as I'm used to. Even at Yamaku and the tiny town with it's accepting views, wearing the school uniform or even just being a teenager was a sign that there was something wrong with you. Here at the city I'm just another young man going out for some exercise who doesn't warrant any second glances from anyone. The anonymity is refreshing though it takes getting used to. I look perfectly fine on the outside while inside I have a heart that could easily become a ticking time bomb. I've taken to carrying some of my pills on me at all times just in case. They're like tethers back to Yamaku and I can't fully close myself off from that part of my life at this point and after everything I've been through, I don't know if I would want to entirely. I've come to realize my heart is a part of who I am, maybe not a part I appreciate all the time, but one that I'm learning to deal with and live with and tackle in my own way to make some progress. It's a good feeling, one of taking control back from something I had once thought of as uncontrollable. I may not be able to tell my heart what to do or be in control of my body as much as I wish I was but there are things I can control; when I run, my footsteps, my breathing, all things that I can command and lose myself within for just a little while. I know now I won't let myself be beaten by my condition and I won't let it, or anything, slow me down again.

Approaching the bench next to the pond I've been using as a home base for my runs, both rest station and starting line, I feel my heart skip a beat though not because of my running but because of what I see waiting there for me. Sitting on the bench next to my bag is Lilly, dressed and ready for the day at least an hour before I expected her to be up, her head tilted to the side, listening intently possibly for my approach or to just enjoy the soothing morning sounds of the park. I'm surprised she's awake but she has been getting up earlier and earlier since I arrived at the house, I hope so she can get an early start of the day with me around.

Filled with a  renewed sense of vigor, I increase my pace, keeping her in sight as I move from a brisk walk to a slow jog just to get back to her a few seconds faster. She must hear my approach because a slight smile crosses her face, though she doesn't act too eager, just in case it's a stranger out for a morning jog of their own. She plays the part of a young woman enjoying the outdoors perfectly with no reason to give her any undue attention.

I stop next to the bench, breathing a bit more heavily that normal. "Good morning, Lilly," I say between gasps of air, though I'm smiling as I do it.

Her own delight at my presence is tempered slightly by the sound of my breathing. "Good morning, Hisao. Are you all right?"
"Oh, yeah, I just," I take a gulp of air, "took that last one a little faster. I'm fine."

She holds out her hand and I take it, helping her to stand from the bench. She tilts her head invitingly and I touch her with a tiny kiss on the lips. Her nose curls slightly and she giggles just a bit. "You're all sweaty."
"I'll take a shower. Care to join me?" I ask brazenly.
Her face blossoms bright red, before being suppressed, hand placed on her cheek. "Hisao, that seems hardly appropriate given our current living arrangements. Besides, I have already showered today." Despite her reproachful words, her smile tells me what she really thinks of the idea.
"Well, that's true. We could always take a swim in the pond," I tease.
"I'm not too fond of swimming and I don't think the other park goers would appreciate that."
"The ducks certainly wouldn't."

I take a moment to gather my things, collecting my bottle of water and towel before taking Lilly's offered arm into my own. At first I turn us to head back to the house but Lilly pulls back slightly. "We don't have to get back too soon. I wanted to spend some time with you."
I rather like that idea and tell her so, turning us away from the Hakamichi camp and down the trail around the pond instead. A long walk with Lilly will be exactly what I need to cool down my heartbeat, breathing in slowly the smell of the park and the morning dew heating in the sun.
"How have you been doing with your exercise?"she asks me.
Her concern is only slightly apparent in her tone, she likely hearing my controlled breathing.
"Pretty good, actually. I feel a little bit like a wimp just walking a lot, but it's a start. I'm trying, so I guess that's what counts."
"You won't do anything foolish again, will you?"
"What, like running to the airport? It's much closer here, I wouldn't need a taxi this time."
She grimaces slightly and I regret  my poor attempt at humor. "Sorry,” I say.  “I expect you wouldn't find that funny."
"It's all right, I know that you're trying. You need to be healthy and I'm not helping by being paranoid about it all the time."
"Is that why you came out here? To check up on me?"
She seems slightly hesitant. "Partly. I mostly just wanted us to spend some time alone."
“It's okay to admit you've been keeping an eye on me. You normally aren't up this early.”
She blushes. “Am I that obvious?”
“A little. The concern is endearing, though.”
“I was just worried, is all. This isn't Yamaku and if something were to happen....”
“I have Hideaki's number and the house is right next door. If it makes you feel better, I'll be sure to let you know whenever I go out. You can even be my time keeper and my trophy at the end of the race.”
She blushes deeply but tightens her arm around my own.

Since I came to the Hakamichi house and started exercising, I've noticed that Lilly has been more on edge recently about these things. I'm not sure if it's the living arrangement or her father being here or even if it's my exercise in the morning but it's very clear to me her stress and worry has been greater than it normally should be. She doesn't show it often, she's always been good at hiding that sort of thing but her constant concern about me is just one sign that I've picked up on recently. I've become more aware of her tells and our close proximity has been helping me to determine how she is feeling. Phone calls and once a week visits at Yamaku weren't enough but it's clear to me now that she isn't thrilled with how summer has been going. The last thing she would want would be to let anyone, least of all me, know that things aren't exactly as she planned or that they were stressing her out. Still, we're both making do and bearing it well, supporting each other in the little ways we can. "I want to thank you for all the help you've given me.” I tell her. “I don't know if I could get started working on my health the way I have if I didn't have you with me."

For a moment, Lilly looks touched and slightly surprised, though I hope she's known before this how much I owe to her for turning my life around. She nods gratefully, squeezing my arm firmly within hers. "Thank you, Hisao. I don't know if I have done all that much, but I'm glad I could be there for you."
"You know the same applies to you, right? Nothing has changed since the hospital; I want to be there for you as well and you never have to hide something from me because you're worried about what it would make me think of you. You don't have to be concerned about keeping up some pretense of appearances with me," I say, trying to drag her out and offering some excuse for her to share.

She seems to take my invitation to heart, because she thinks on them for a while. "I know that. I know I can be honest with you, Hisao. It's just that so many things have happened recently, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. It's a feeling I'm not comfortable with. I almost left the country, then you were hospitalized, meeting your parents, being separated while you were at Yamaku...."

"Then your father showing up?"

I have to second guess myself but I think I see her twitch when I mention him. I hesitate for a moment. "Are you really okay with him being here?"
She pauses for just a moment but then looks shocked by the question. "Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?"
"The only reason I'm asking is because a lot of times you look rather uncomfortable when he's around. I know we talked about this before but I just want to make sure you're still all right with the situation."

She smiles at my doting tone. "Thank you for your concern, Hisao, but I assure you everything is all right. The initial shock is over, though I am still adjusting to it all. Things are... cramped, I'll admit, but it's nothing to make an issue out of."

I feel my disappointment palpably. If Lilly had even a little problem with her father being here I'd feel better about the whole situation. Now it feels like I have to keep getting along with the man just to keep her happy. I want to do my best but I've come to the conclusion that Mr. Satou isn't even trying. His latest tirade against me left me shaken for a few days and has kept me avoiding him like a dog that bit me.

The park is empty here and while the walk around the pond is no where near very far, Lilly and I have been loitering just to have the time alone with each other. Both of us are very aware that once we get back into the thick of things at the house we have very little chance at privacy or the peace we so enjoy sharing. "You never did say how your conversation with him went," Lilly asks as we make our way down the path.

In fact, I had been avoiding it. Lilly had wanted to know how things went before but I had brushed the topic aside. I was uncomfortable with some of the things Mr. Satou said and asked me and I really didn't want to mention them to Lilly. His thoughts on my career choice, the personnel relationship between me and Lilly and him mentioning their family beliefs all left me knocked back on my heels and I wasn't sure how to bring them up with her, if I should at all. It left a sour taste in my mouth, like any of those topics could blow up in my face and change things between me and Lilly.

Lilly and I both want to be teachers, but does she know her father's thoughts on the subject? Will his intrusion change the nature of our physical relationship? Does Lilly take her family customs as seriously as he seem to think she does? These aren't thing I want to talk about, delicate subjects I would rather avoid and not confront for fear of ruining something precious that Lilly and I have put together. I fear any one of those topics may jar us out of out hastily repaired relationship, still shaken after her near departure.

As I think of it more though, do I have any right to keep these things from her? Would it be fair for me to try and brush this under the rug and avoid a nasty subject for fear of how it could change things between us? Do I have so little confidence in our feelings for each other that I think an uncomfortable conversation could damage what we have?

Was it fair to me for Lilly to keep me in the dark when she was wrestling with leaving for Scotland, to keep me ignorant of the thing that was eating away at her and at the two of us? I just told her she could come to me for anything, it would be the height of selfishness to not go too her with my problems, to lie by my silence when something was wrong. It would only be right to let her know if something was bothering me. She didn't live up to that obligation when she was leaving for Scotland and I can't bring myself to do the same thing to her.

"It went all right, I guess," I say in answer to her previous question. "There were just some things I should probably mention."
"Such as?"

We've made a full circuit around the pond, circling back to the bench where we started. I ask Lilly if she would like to sit and we both do so, though she gets a concerned look on her face from my question. "Hisao, what's wrong?"

I sigh to let my thoughts catch up to me and put together the right things to say. "I guess I should just get it over with. Your father and I talked and he said some things that I wanted to make sure you knew about, just so that we're on the same page, I guess."

She shifts uncomfortably, her back rigid. "What did he say?"
"First I should let you know he asked me about our relationship."
"Yes, and?"
"I mean our... 'physical' relationship."

Lilly's naturally pale face goes a lighter pallor and for a moment I'm afraid she'll go white as a sheet. "W-what did you say to him?"
"Nothing. It wasn't easy but I managed to avoid the topic. He only wanted to know how far you and I had gone together but I didn't say anything. I think he thought he could squeeze it out of me but when I stood my ground he backed off."

Lilly takes a deep breathe, some color returning to her face for which I'm grateful. "He usually does that. He doesn't like talking about... uncomfortable topics unless he's in control of the subject." Lilly's hand finds mine and squeezes it tightly. "You don't think he knows, do you?"
"I think he suspects just because he assumes the worst of me but that he would rather not know the truth."
Lilly purses her lips disapprovingly. "Hisao, that is a bit of an unfair thing to say. I've said it before, my father can be very harsh but he's a good person, it just takes time for him to warm up to people. He's only known you exist for a month and only met you a week ago, it's rather too soon for the two of you to be friends just yet."

Friends? Not likely.

"I know, but I get the feeling he's not interested in getting along with me."
"He's all bark, Hisao, he doesn't mean anything by it."

I wonder to myself why I keep getting bit by him then? "I hope so. He had me ready to jump out the window when he asked me about it."
"Thank you for your discretion but I can't imagine why he would ask such a thing."
"I guess it's one of those father topics. I would have talked to him about us dating beforehand if he were available, asked permission properly."
"There's no way you could have done such a thing with him out of the country and you and I spoke to Akira ourselves on that subject. We did everything correctly, there's nothing more that we could, or should have done."
I kiss her hand still held in mine. "Yeah, I know that."
"Still," she says, her lips slightly pouting, "it would be best if the topic of... us was avoided for future reference."
"Don't worry, I don't plan on bringing it up with him again any time soon."
"I'm glad for that. It's something I don't think would go over well, at least not right now." She hesitates and dips her head slightly. "In the mean time, we should... continue to try and keep him from getting too suspicious of us while he's here."

Considering that Lilly and I haven't been together since before I was in the hospital, I don't think that will be too much trouble. "It's all right, I understand."

She squeezes my hand very tightly and presses herself up against me, head on my shoulder. "Thank you for being so patient with me. I know this isn't easy for either of us, but I want you to know I appreciate how tolerant you've been."
I can smell her hair and skin and her proximity makes my heart and head flutter.
I remind myself to take a shower, a very cold one, when we get back.
"I'm not sure which was worse," I say to change the subject, "him asking me about us or learning about me wanting to be a teacher."

Lilly sits up a bit, taking notice. "What do you mean?"
I turn to face her more on the park bench. "Have you told your father yet about how you want to become a teacher?"
Her fingers dance for just a nervous moment before she settles them, but it's enough for me to catch her unease over the topic. "The conversation has never come up before. Why do you ask?"
"He certainly didn't seem to like the idea for me, I was wondering what he thought of it for you as a career."
"I don't see why he wouldn't approve of it. It's the career I've chosen to follow, after all. His endorsement of it is not a requirement for either of us."
"He seemed to imply that teaching was... beneath me, like it wasn't a worthy occupation."

Lilly seems to go off into the middle distance in thought. I had been fairly surprised and insulted when Mr. Satou disapproved of my interest in teaching, I can only imagine how Lilly would feel if her own father didn't approve of her career goal in life.

"My father has a very narrow view of what makes a good career," she says after mulling it over for a while. "He wasn't thrilled with Akira's professional choices until she settled on becoming a lawyer. He thinks there are only a few jobs worth taking and that any other career path would be either a waste of time or foolish; art, music, teaching, these aren't things he would approve of for a profession. I've never mentioned my wish to become a teacher because of all the arguments he and Akira had over her own career path. It's something I've kept private that he and I will have to discuss one day and work out."
"Did Akira become a lawyer because he insisted she should?"
Lilly shrugs with a grimace. "I sometimes think that may be the case."
"You wouldn't give up wanting to become a teacher if he didn't approve, would you?"
"No, no, of course not, that would be absurd. Once he learns how much thought I've put into it and that it's what I wish to do with my life, he'll come to understand. Once he sees how happy it makes me to teach, he'll learn to accept it. I know he will."

"Then what would you have done if you had gone to Scotland?"
She tilts her head at me. "Whatever do you mean?"
"Lilly, I'm not sure but I don't think there's too much need for an English teacher in a country that already speak it."
"We have Japanese classes, don't we?"
"Yeah, but that's for technical stuff, right? You've mostly spent your time learning on how to teach it as a foreign language, not as a primary. I may not know much on the subject, but those are two very different things, aren't they?"
"I... guess so."
"So what would you have done? If you went to Scotland, what career would you have taken?"

Lilly seems lost for an answer to my question, as if she had never considered the implications before. She must have assumed that a change in living arrangements wouldn't have affected her choices regarding her teaching career but for me it seems obvious that the two would be wholly incompatible. "I'm not entirely certain," she says after some hesitation. "I imagine if I had gone to Scotland I would have... I don't know. I'm sure I would have been able to find something related to teaching. If not, perhaps I would have taken a position like Akira."
"You've never seemed that interested in law before."
"I'm not, not really, but I would have to do something, wouldn't I? It only makes sense I would need to have some sort of job over there for myself if my plans didn't work out."

Would she? I find myself wondering if Mr. Satou would approve of Lilly having any career. If she had gone to Scotland, would he expect her to find work? I didn't mention it but his opinions on me working didn't take into account that both Lilly and I would be working, hopefully together.

Is he just assuming that Lilly won't have a job and his disappointment over my career choice is based on his belief that I wouldn't be able to support both Lilly and myself on a teacher's salary? She and I would work together to support one another, just as we should, but does he think Lilly won't want a career or shouldn't have one?

He is very traditional.

Does he think Lilly shouldn't work? Or can't?

Something cold turns my stomach but I'm too focused on the conversation at hand to give it much thought. "I guess then your father should be satisfied with whatever you decide to do. It's only hypothetical since you aren't going to Scotland at all., right," I say with a grin to put the uncomfortable topic to rest.

"Yes, of course," she says curtly, though she has some hesitation saying it and she doesn't share my smile while doing it either.

There's a long silence between us and in my memory, it's only among a handful of uncomfortable silences I can recall between me and Lilly, a wholly unsettling feeling.

The topic of her leaving for Scotland suddenly springs to ugly life in my imagination.

"You aren't going back to Scotland," I say slowly and hopefully by suggestion.

Lilly looks shocked at the implication and slides her hand up my arm to my shoulder, turning it into a tight hug. "Oh, goodness, Hisao! Of course not, how could you think that?"
"I'm sorry but you just said it like it was still a question of if you would or not."
"I've already told you that I've made my choice and my choice is to stay here with you! Hisao, I love you!"

I can't help but laugh just a little while I return the hug and I tell myself it isn't totally out of relief. "I know that, Lilly. I love you too, you just seemed hesitant for a second. I imagine your father wasn't too pleased when the topic came up."

Lilly's shoulders clench under my hands which makes me pull back and hold her at arm's length. I regard her with some suspicion. "Lilly?"

Her body posture is tight and while she tries to hide it, I can tell there's something wrong. My time with Lilly has made me more sensitive to all the little signs she gives to tell her mood, things I once never noticed or couldn't pick up on. "Lilly, have you told your father you'll be staying in Japan?"

She doesn't answer, her mouth a tight line across her face other than a slight dimple where she chews at her cheek.

"You haven't told him?"
"It... has not come up in conversation yet, no."
"Lilly!"
My reproach seems to hurt her. "It's not that I'm not sure, it's just... not something I want to talk to him about yet." She dips her head down. "He's only just arrived. I'll just give it some time before bringing it up when he's ready for it."
I drop my hands from her shoulders and lean back into the bench. "Like you gave it some time to tell me about leaving for Scotland?"

Lilly is shocked by my accusation and I'm even a little surprised by how bitterly I throw it at her. "Hisao, that is hurtful," Lilly says calmly, withdrawing her hands from me and putting them over her heart. "You know how hard it was for me to keep that from you, we've talked about this. I thought we had talked about this? I thought you had forgiven me?"

I swallow the bitter hurt that wells up inside of me and push it down. "I know, I have. I'm sorry, that was unfair. It's just I know that it's also unfair for you to have already made up your mind and not tell him about it. I think he honestly believes you're still trying to decide whether to stay or leave."
"Hisao, I don't think that's true, I'm sure he knows."
"Haven't you spoken to him yourself?"
"Yes, several times just not about that. He called the day after he arrived, just before we came to pick you up so that we could drive together. We also spoke on the drive to Shizune's house."
"What did you talk about?"
She shrugs uncomfortably. "He talked about Mother, about how disappointed she was about my decision not to join them, how much she misses me and Akira."
"Was he trying to guilt you?"
"I don't think so."
From the look on Lilly's face, it seems to have had that effect either way.
"He understands, though," she says firmly. "He knows I've made my choice."
"I don't think he does. He acts like you're still just wrapping up loose ends here before going to Scotland."
"Hisao, you know I would never leave you, not ever."
"I do, but does he?"

Lilly wrings her fingers out between her hands. "Surely he must...."
"I think it's only fair that you tell him directly. I know I would have appreciated it if you and I had talked about Scotland before everything happened. Akira had to be the one let me know what was going on in the end." I shake my head a little. "If you want, I guess I could tell him myself if you wanted me too."

Lilly once again takes my hand into hers, squeezing tightly, almost clinging. "No, please don't do that! Hisao, I'm sorry, I'll try to find the time to tell him, it's just too soon. He and I have been separated for so long and with everything that's happened, I don't want to hurt him. He was so happy during our visit to Scotland, it would destroy him! Please, promise me you won't say anything until I have the chance to talk to him myself about it?"
I sigh in frustration. "All right, I won't. You will tell him, won't you?"
"Of course I will."
"If you need me, I'll be there with you to let him know. Maybe it'll go easier if we both present a strong face. I'll be there if you need me."
"I would appreciate that very much. Thank you, Hisao."