To give some background, in 2011 there was an Forbes article titled "If I were Poor Black Kid" the author talks about how we would succeed if he were a poor black kid. Well I'm that poor black kid. Except I'm half black, 29, and from Baltimore. I won't go too much into my back story but I've been in front of a computer since I was 10. Not necessarily my own but always in front of one. I was always fascinated with them. In the 90's, 80's geek and tech sub cultures fascinated me. In the midst of being a "poor black kid", and running around being a knuckle head I was able to find time to learn everything I could about computers.

Fast forward to the Future, I'm working in IT at JHU with just a diploma. I'm still creating little things here and there but mostly just work and go home. I was laterally moved into a position that is like my first job at Apple taking tech support calls. I'm basically getting 50K to sweep floors. Imagine keeping your current salary but doing your first job. Sure it's cakewalk as a Master Custodian to sweep floors, but it's very boring and not stimulating at all.

I want a change but I often feel like I'm a newb and shouldn't be applying to some positions because I've never held a position for which I'm applying even though I'm interested and can do the work. Last year I turned down a position (80k) at a large hosting company here, out of fear I would do poorly. Well, this week after cleaning infections off of hosted servers and cleaning up behind a disgruntled developer, I now realize my mistake in that I was capable and just scared. I'm device agnostic. I'm comfortable enough to work productively with Mac OS, Linux and Window, I can program in a couple of languages; python, Javascript, and a little PHP. I've made FPS maps and 3-D assess for games I used to play. I've migrated websites and have developed a similar product to www.agentshield.com/. I have honestly probably forgotten more than most of my peers know. But I can't shake the feeling that I don't know shit and I'm just one Google search way from being ousted.

Everyone use to tell me how smart I was or how I was a young bill gates from the hood" but today one of my peers who I highly regard told me today how smart I was. That I should have a larger role in the organization because I explained to him why cyber attacks happen after he showed me ipviking map.ipviking.com . Normally I say "Nahhh I'm not smart I just read a lot."

But today I just wept, and I cried. Am I an imposter? Is imposter syndrome a real thing? or am I just suffering from low self esteem? I'm sorry for the novel.