Lyra

	You know that one day in your life where everything that could go wrong does? I know I do. I’ve had that day. Several times, in fact. Don’t worry, though. I’m not the Bill Murray of this Groundhogs’ Day. Mainly because this is all just a metaphor. I’m not actually living through the same day multiple times. It’s just that I’ve had multiple terrible days, each one just as terrible, if not moreso, than the past. But each day is terrible in different ways. Y’know what? Fuck this metaphor. My name is Lyra Heartstrings. My best friend (with major benefits) is Bon-Bon. I’m an anthropologist.
	To say anthropology is an underestimated field of study is to say that Celestia is powerful. By that, I mean it’s an understatement. I won’t tell you how many ponies criticize my field of study. I stopped counting after arriving at 52 midway through the day I first realized that this was what I wanted to do with my life. I’m not trying to imply that nopony supports me, because that most definitely is not the truth. There’s Bon-Bon for one, and…. well, I guess Twilight Sparkle has tried to get me to teach her some of the shit I've discovered. But, then again, she's Twilight Sparkle, for fuck's sake. She'd have an intense discussion with Derpy's vagina if it had any information for her to learn. You know whose vagina I've had an intense discussion with? Photo Finish, that one time I banged her in a train bathroom. Sorry, I was trying to work that in organically. I had that vagina setup, so, y'know...... anthropology..... fuck yeah.
	Okay, so maybe I never slept with the great Photo Finish. And I don't really cuss all that much. Just trying to stay hip with the young mammerjammers,..... yo. Wow, it was painful just writing that. I'm glad human culture evolved from that frightening period of Sussudios and Lego Maniacs. ....You know what else is painful? All these human culture references. It feels like I'm just trying to hammer the fact that I'm an anthropologist into your brains. I acknowledge that I shouldn't have to, seeing as I pretty much established this in the first paragraph...... after a painfully drawn out reference. Good Celestia, ponies, I'm just making my own cringe material here, aren't I? But here's the thing, I can't help it.
   They say that in any situation, the best method for effective audience enticing is to simply be yourself. The problem for me lies in the fact that myself is metaphorically an obsessive teenage girl. You know the type. Says random phrases concerning various types of processed meat with the intention of being funny, but just comes off as being annoying. Except for me, the processed meat is humans.
   What amazes me is that I've found that humans ate just about every kind of meat, but not human meat. I mean, there were cannibals, but it's my opinion that if you have to have a name for what you're doing, you're just doing it ironically. This isn't to say there weren't non-ironic cannibals, but they came first and were few in number. They enjoyed the human eating and boasted about it to their friends. "How could we possibly taste good?" the friends asked. They were eventually coaxed into cannibalism and it grew in popularity. Then the village elders found out and decided to milk the movement for all it was worth. Suddenly, people who really didn't give a fuck about cannibalism were raving about it like they were there from the beginning. But they weren't. Fucking ironic cannibal hipsters. Anyways. Forgive my tired rambling. More Lyrisms tomorrow. LOL JOHN LINELL IS BEST JOHN. LOL I'M A FUCKING GIANT. BROKLAW, AMIRITE GUYS. .....ugh, go home lyra, you're drunk.