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Things to remember ( No More Mr. Nice Guy! -R. Glover )

Feb 21st, 2017 (edited)
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  1. Standing up for yourself:
  2.  
  3. The biggest change was the forced socialization
  4.  
  5. I come from statistically unique circumstances
  6. I am doing moderately okay
  7.  
  8. I still need to push myself higher
  9. Fall back into the cryochamber
  10.  
  11. Melt everyone off
  12. I have to do this
  13. I will resort back to my alone time, that's the best thing to do
  14. I will be social one day for sure
  15. But that's a long term goal I can't aim for atm
  16.  
  17. For now I have to aim elsewhere
  18. I need to regain myself
  19. Follow the new weekly plan
  20.  
  21.  
  22.  
  23. Sticking up for yourself
  24. It means being on your own side
  25.  
  26. it means knowing who you are and what do you stand for
  27. it means knowing how and when to speak up for yourself explicitly
  28. it means having your own back, so to speak
  29.  
  30. Sticking up for yourself requires two legs
  31. Personal Power
  32. Self-Esteem
  33.  
  34. Personal Power is being secure inside your own self
  35.  
  36.  
  37. Do the self authoring and take yourself seriously
  38. treat yourself like you're valuable
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  112.  
  113.  
  114. [ End Goals ]
  115.  
  116. Things you will do ( with time and practice )
  117.  
  118. Learn effective ways to get your needs met.
  119.  
  120. Begin to feel more powerful and confident.
  121.  
  122. Create the kind of intimate relationships you really want.
  123.  
  124. Learn to express your feelings and emotions.
  125.  
  126. Have a fulfilling and exciting s life.
  127.  
  128. Embrace your masculinity and build meaningful relationships with men.
  129.  
  130. Live up to your potential and become truly creative and productive.
  131.  
  132. Accept yourself just as you are.
  133.  
  134.  
  135. _______________________________________________________________________________
  136. [ properties in general ]
  137.  
  138. Properties of an integrated male
  139.  
  140. He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just as he is.
  141.  
  142. He takes responsibility for getting his own needs met.
  143.  
  144. He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality.
  145.  
  146. He has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient.
  147.  
  148. He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about.
  149.  
  150. He is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings.
  151.  
  152. He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving.
  153.  
  154. He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.
  155.  
  156.  
  157. NGS are a source of frustrations
  158.  
  159. Nice Guys are often terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person's problem.
  160.  
  161. Because of their fear of conflict, they are frequently dishonest and are rarely available to work all the way through a problem.
  162.  
  163. It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners whom they believe to be "projects" or "diamonds in the rough." When these projects don't polish up as expected, Nice Guys tend to blame their partner for standing in the way of their happiness
  164.  
  165.  
  166. The Nice Guys who make changes:
  167.  
  168. ● Accept themselves just as they are.
  169. ● Use their mistakes as valuable learning tools.
  170. ● Stop seeking the approval of others.
  171. ● Experience loving and intimate relationships.
  172. ● Make their needs a priority.
  173. ● Find people who are able and willing to help them meet their needs.
  174. ● Learn to give judiciously, with no strings attached.
  175. ● Face their fears.
  176. ● Develop integrity and honesty.
  177. ● Set boundaries.
  178. ● Build meaningful relationships with men.
  179. ● Create healthier, more satisfying relationships with women.
  180. ● Experience and express their feelings.
  181. ● Deal with problems directly.
  182. ● Develop an intimate and satisfying sexual relationship.
  183. ● Find peace with the changing complexities of life.
  184.  
  185. Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived shortcoming . . .
  186. ● If they forget something.
  187. ● If they are late.
  188. ● If they break something.
  189. ● If they don't understand something.
  190. ● If they do something wrong.
  191. ● If they are depressed.
  192. ● If they are in pain.
  193. ● If they generally mess up.
  194. The Nice Guy's need to hide is often the most pronounced in areas that are just part of being human and
  195. alive.
  196.  
  197. Nice Guys tend to be wimpy victims because their life paradigm and childhood survival mechanisms require them to sacrifice their personal power.
  198.  
  199. Note how each of these behaviors keeps you feeling like a powerless victim. Share this information with a safe person.
  200. ● Doing it right.
  201. ● Playing it safe.
  202. ● Anticipating and fixing.
  203. ● Trying not to rock the boat.
  204. ● Being charming and helpful.
  205. ● Never being a moment's problem.
  206. ● Using covert contracts.
  207. ● Controlling and manipulating.
  208. ● Caretaking and pleasing.
  209. ● Withholding information.
  210. ● Repressing feelings.
  211. ● Making sure other people don't have feelings.
  212. ● Avoiding problems and difficult situations.
  213.  
  214. As Nice Guys try to avoid the dark side of their masculinity, they also repress many other aspects of this
  215. male energy force. As a result, they often lose their:
  216. ● competitiveness
  217. ● creativity,
  218. ● ego,
  219. ● thirst for experience
  220. ● boisterousness
  221. ● exhibitionism
  222. ● sexual assertiveness
  223. ● power
  224. Go watch little boys on the playground and you will see these qualities. I am convinced that these are good things worth keeping.
  225.  
  226. Nice Guys are afraid of making a mistake, afraid of doing it wrong, afraid of failure, afraid of losing it all.
  227. Right alongside these fears of disaster is the paradoxical fear of success.
  228. Nice Guys are typically afraid that if they are truly successful:
  229.  
  230. ● They won't be able to handle the increased expectations.
  231. ● They will lose control over their lives.
  232. ● They will do something to mess up everything.
  233. ● They will be found out to be frauds.
  234. ● They won't be able to live up to people's expectations.
  235. ● They will be criticized.
  236.  
  237. Rather than facing these fears — real or imagined — Nice Guys typically settle for operating at a fraction of their full potential.
  238.  
  239. _______________________________________________________________________________
  240.  
  241. [ tools ]
  242.  
  243. Detach Yourself from People's moods.
  244.  
  245. The following are some possible affirmations:
  246.  
  247. "I am lovable just as I am."
  248.  
  249. "I am perfectly imperfect."
  250.  
  251. "My needs are important."
  252.  
  253. "I am a strong and powerful person."
  254.  
  255. "I can handle it."
  256.  
  257. "People love and accept me just as I am."
  258.  
  259. "It is OK to be human and make mistakes."
  260.  
  261. "I am the only person I have to please."
  262.  
  263. Positive affirmations can help change the Nice Guy's core belief about himself. Affirmations replace old,
  264. inaccurate messages about the Nice Guy's worth with new, more realistic ones. When used alone, the
  265. affects of affirmations are usually short-lived. This is because these messages are contrary to the oldest,
  266. deepest beliefs the Nice Guy holds about himself. Affirmations are only effective when used along with
  267. other processes that help change the Nice Guy's core beliefs.
  268.  
  269. Suggestions for taking good care of yourself:
  270. ● Exercise, work out, go for a walk.
  271. ● Eat healthy food.
  272. ● Get enough sleep
  273. ● Relax, play, goof off.
  274. ● Get a massage.
  275. ● Go out with buddies.
  276. ● Buy a new pair of shoes.
  277. ● Get shoes polished.
  278. ● Get dental work done.
  279. ● Get a physical.
  280. ● Listen to music.
  281.  
  282. In order for Nice Guys to get their needs met, they must begin to shift their core paradigms.
  283. This shift includes coming to believe:
  284.  
  285. ● Having needs is part of being human.
  286. ● Mature people make meeting their own needs a priority.
  287. ● They can ask for help in meeting their needs in clear and direct ways.
  288. ● Other people really do want to help them meet their needs.
  289. ● This world is a place of abundance.
  290. In order to get their needs met, recovering Nice Guys must do something radically different from what they have done previously.
  291. For Nice Guys, putting the self first is NOT just a suggestion to try on for size.
  292. It is essential not only for getting needs met, but also for reclaiming personal power, feeling fully alive, and experiencing love and intimacy.
  293.  
  294. Nice Guys have believed a myth that promises them that if they give up themselves and put others first,
  295. they will be loved and get their needs met.
  296. There is only one way to change this illogical, nonproductive Nice Guy paradigm — putting themselves first.
  297.  
  298. Making the decision to put the self first is the hardest part. Actually doing it is relatively easy. When the Nice Guy puts himself first there is only one voice to consider — his own.
  299. Decisions are now made by one individual, rather than by a committee.
  300.  
  301. Some guidelines about expressing feelings:
  302. • Don't focus on the other person, "You are making me mad."
  303. Instead, take responsibility for what you are feeling: "I am feeling angry."
  304. • Don't use feeling words to describe what you are thinking, as in "I feel like Joe was trying to take advantage of me."
  305. Instead, pay attention to what you are experiencing in your body: "I'm feeling helpless and frightened."
  306. • In general, try to begin feeling statements with "I", rather than "you."
  307. Try to avoid the crutch of saying "I feel like." As in "I feel like you are being mean to me."
  308.  
  309. __Breaking Free Activity #28
  310. Embracing masculinity involves coming to see Dad more accurately. To facilitate this process, create a list.
  311. On the left side, list a number of your father's characteristics. Write the opposite characteristic on the right side.
  312. Indicate where on the spectrum between the two that you see yourself.
  313.  
  314. When recovering Nice Guys do this exercise they are often surprised at what they discover about their fathers and themselves.
  315. They often see how they have made their fathers into a caricature — a distortion of who they really are.
  316. They may realize that if the man they have become is based on a reaction to how they saw their fathers, they too have become caricatures.
  317.  
  318. Remember, the opposite of crazy is still crazy.
  319.  
  320. They realize that if their lives are a reaction to Dad, then Dad is still in control.
  321.  
  322. They discover that they can be different from Dad without being the opposite.
  323. They often come to realize that they have more traits in common with their fathers than they had previously realized or wanted to accept.
  324.  
  325.  
  326. Jake Gyllenhaal
  327.  
  328.  
  329. ________________________________________________________________________________
  330. ___________________________________________
  331.  
  332. [ Building successful relationships ]
  333.  
  334. All Nice Guys have worked their entire lives to become what they believe others want them to be while trying to hide their perceived flaws.
  335.  
  336. Vulnerability means someone may get too close to them and see how bad they are. Nice Guys are convinced that when others make this discovery, these people will hurt them, shame them, or leave them.
  337.  
  338. As long as attention is focused on the flaws of the partner, it is diverted away from the internalized toxic shame of the Nice Guy. This balancing act ensures that the Nice Guy's closest relationship will most likely be his least intimate.
  339.  
  340. I frequently encourage recovering Nice Guys to be just who they are, without reservation.
  341. I support them in deciding what is right for them and being that with all of their energy for the whole world to see.
  342. The people who like them just as they are will hang around.
  343.  
  344.  
  345. __Breaking Free Activity #34
  346. Are there any areas in your personal relationships in which you avoid setting appropriate boundaries?
  347. Do you:
  348. ● Tolerate intolerable behavior.
  349. ● Avoid dealing with a situation because it might cause conflict.
  350. ● Not ask for what you want.
  351. ● Sacrifice yourself to keep the peace.
  352. If you applied the Second Date rule or the Healthy Male rule to these situations, how might you change your behavior?
  353.  
  354. In addition to the program of recovery presented in previous chapters of No More Mr. Nice Guy!, there are a few additional strategies that will help Nice Guys get the love they want.
  355. These include:
  356. 1- Focusing on their relationship, not their partner.
  357. 2- Not reinforcing undesirable behaviors.
  358. 3- Doing something different.
  359.  
  360. 1- Use this information to better understand why NGs have created the kind of relationship system they have.
  361. This process enables them to make changes that allow them to get what they want in their intimate relationships.
  362.  
  363. Instead of saying "if he/she would just. . .", the recovering Nice Guy has to ask
  364. "Why did I need to co-create this relationship?"
  365. "How does this relationship let me play familiar roles?"
  366. "How does this relationship let me meet unconscious needs?"
  367. "Why did I invite this person into my life?"
  368.  
  369. When Nice Guys enter a relationship, they frequently choose partners who look more dysfunctional than they do.
  370. This is a distortion, because healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy people — and vice versa.
  371.  
  372. Relationships are messy and there is no way to eliminate the bumps and potholes, but we don't have to make them any more difficult than they already are.
  373. This is one area where I strongly encourage Nice Guys to do something different. That is, enter relationships with a healthy agenda, rather than an unconscious, dysfunctional one.
  374.  
  375. Over time, the members of my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups have come up with a number of traits to consciously look for when creating new relationships.
  376. These traits include (in no particular order):
  377. ● Passion.
  378. ● Integrity.
  379. ● Happiness.
  380. ● Intelligence.
  381. ● Sexual assertiveness.
  382. ● Financial responsibility.
  383. ● Commitment to personal growth.
  384.  
  385. Nice Guys have a strong tendency to try to do everything "right." This list isn't meant as a magic formula.
  386. There are no perfect people and no perfect relationships, but by consciously looking for the traits listed above in a prospective partner, Nice Guys can save themselves a lot of grief and improve their chances of actually finding what they are looking for.
  387.  
  388. The dynamics that keep Nice Guys stuck in dysfunctional, unsatisfying relationships are often the same dynamics that keep them stuck in
  389. dysfunctional and unsatisfying vocations.
  390. There are numerous reasons why Nice Guys tend to be less than they can be in life, work, and career.
  391. These include:
  392. ● Fear
  393. ● Trying to do it right
  394. ● Trying to do everything themselves
  395. ● Self-sabotage
  396. ● A distorted self-image
  397. ● Deprivation thinking
  398. ● Staying stuck in familiar but dysfunctional systems
  399.  
  400.  
  401.  
  402. ________________________________________
  403.  
  404. [ Getting the life you want, discovering passion and purpose ]
  405.  
  406. Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to keep their lives smooth and uneventful. They do this by trying to "do it right" and following the "rules."
  407. Unfortunately, this life strategy is the most effective way to put a lid on any creative life energy. This lid kills their passion and prevents Nice Guys from living up to their full potential.
  408.  
  409. ● Trying to do it right robs Nice Guys of their creativity and productivity.
  410. ● Striving for perfection keeps Nice Guys focused on their imperfections.
  411. ● Seeking external validation and approval keeps Nice Guys stuck in mediocrity.
  412. ● Attempting to hide flaws and mistakes prevents Nice Guys from taking risks or trying something new.
  413. ● Following the rules make Nice Guys rigid, cautious, and fearful.
  414.  
  415. It is because of these self-imposed limits that many Nice Guys are dissatisfied, bored, or unhappy with their life and vocation.
  416.  
  417. The most important points in the book were illustrated
  418. The No More Mr. Nice Guy! book summary is done, but unlike the continuousness process of growth and self-development, it is......... ........{ still in progress }
  419.  
  420. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
  421.  
  422. [ childhood ]
  423.  
  424. Most paradigms are developed when we are young, naïve, and relatively powerless. They are often
  425. based on the inaccurate interpretations of childhood experiences. Since they are often unconscious, they
  426. are rarely evaluated or updated. Perhaps most significantly, they are assumed to be 100 percent accurate
  427. — even when they are not
  428.  
  429. Jason learned to cope with his childhood experience by developing a paradigm that included:
  430. ● Believing that if he could figure out how to do everything right, he could garner his father's
  431. approval and avoid his criticism.
  432. ● Believing that if he responded to his mother's neediness by being attentive and nurturing, she
  433. would be available to him when he had needs.
  434. ● Believing that if he was never a moment's problem, he would get love and approval.
  435. ● Believing that if he hid his mistakes, no one would ever get mad at him.
  436.  
  437. When my son Steve was nine years old, he accidentally poked some holes in our kitchen table with a
  438. ballpoint pen. When he realized what he had done, he immediately showed his mother the damage.
  439. Steve had appropriate, healthy shame about his mistake. He knew that his actions had caused damage to
  440. the table. He also knew that he had to take responsibility. Most importantly, he knew he wasn't bad.
  441.  
  442. In an agrarian society, boys connected with their fathers by working alongside them in the fields. This
  443. often meant contact with extended family that included grandfathers, uncles, and cousins. This daily
  444. contact with men provided boys with an intimate model of maleness. Sons learned about being male by
  445. watching their dads, just as their own fathers had learned by watching their fathers.
  446.  
  447. As families migrated from rural areas to cities and suburbs, the contact between fathers and sons diminished significantly.
  448. Dads left home in the morning and went to work. Most sons never got to see what their fathers did, let alone have much time to spend with them.
  449.  
  450. As children, feeling things intensely invited either negative attention or no attention at all.
  451. Therefore, it came to feel safer to clamp a lid down tightly on any emotion that might attract too much negative attention or might cause them to feel abandoned.
  452. ________________________________________________________________________________
  453. [ facts ]
  454.  
  455. The Ineffective Nice Guy Paradigm
  456. The working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this:
  457. IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be
  458. THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.
  459.  
  460. Even when this paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative: try harder
  461.  
  462. Their inclination is to hang on to belief systems that have proven to be consistently unworkable
  463.  
  464. Due to their shame and ineffective survival mechanisms, the road map they follow just won't take them where they want to go.
  465. This is frustrating. But rather than trying something different, their life paradigm requires that they keep trying harder, doing more of the same.
  466.  
  467. "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always had."
  468.  
  469. For Nice Guys, these survival mechanisms took the form of the following life paradigm:
  470. ● IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be
  471. ● THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.
  472.  
  473. It is this paradigm, formed in childhood, that guides and controls everything Nice Guys do in their adult
  474. lives. Even though it is based on faulty interpretations of childhood events, it is the only road map these
  475. men have. Nice Guys believe this map is accurate, and if they follow it correctly, they should arrive at
  476. their desired location — a smooth, happy life. Even though this life script is often highly ineffective, Nice Guys frequently just keep trying harder, doing more of the same, hoping for different results.
  477.  
  478. "Did I ever tell you the definition of Insanity?".
  479.  
  480. The connection between pleasing everyone and getting one's needs met as a result runs so deep that many Nice Guys have said that they feel guilty if they are in a good mood when their partner isn't ( or other people aren't ).
  481.  
  482. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves a radical change in perspective and behavior.
  483. Trying to do it halfway will only result in needless suffering.
  484.  
  485. Toxic Shame; the core belief that one is inherently bad, ineffective, wrong, unworkable or unacceptable - or that his actions are.
  486.  
  487. Trying to be "good" — trying to become what he believes others want him to be — is just one of many possible scripts that a little boy might form as the result of childhood abandonment experiences and the internalization of toxic shame.
  488.  
  489. They genuinely believe their commitment to being "good" and doing it "right" is what makes them valuable and compensates for their internalized belief that they are bad.
  490.  
  491. Nice Guys prevent themselves from getting what they want in love and life by:
  492. ● Seeking the approval of others.
  493. ● Trying to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
  494. ● Putting other people's needs and wants before their own.
  495. ● Sacrificing their personal power and playing the role of a victim.
  496. ● Disassociating themselves from other men and their own masculine energy.
  497. ● Co-creating relationships that are less than satisfying.
  498. ● Creating situations in which they do not have very much good sex.
  499. ● Failing to live up their full potential.
  500.  
  501. Seeking someone's approval gives them the power to set the tone of the relationship.
  502.  
  503. Drawing on their account
  504. Since Nice Guys strive so hard to be good, giving, and caring, they believe these acts should build up a
  505. credit that wipes clean any wrong they might do. Part of the Nice Guy's belief is that if he does most
  506. things right, no one should ever notice the few things (if any) he does wrong.
  507.  
  508. Fixing
  509. Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a mistake or act inappropriately,
  510. they apologize, make amends, or repair the damage. Conversely, Nice Guys try to fix situations by doing
  511. whatever it takes to get the other person to stop being upset.
  512.  
  513. To help facilitate Self-approval recovery, Nice Guys can
  514. ● Identify how they seek approval.
  515. ● Take good care of themselves.
  516. ● Give themselves positive affirmations.
  517. ● Spend extended periods of time alone.
  518. ● Reveal themselves to safe people.
  519.  
  520. 1- Identify how they seek approval.
  521. As they become aware of how much time and energy they spend trying to garner approval, they can begin living an inside-out kind of life. This means, rather than focusing outward for acceptance and approval, they turn inward. In doing so, they can begin asking themselves the important questions:
  522. "What do I want," "What feels right to me," "What would make me happy?"
  523.  
  524. 2-Reveal themselves to safe people.
  525. When Nice Guys try to hide their humanity from others, they reinforce their core belief that they are bad
  526. and unlovable and reinforce their Toxic Shame.
  527. Changing this core belief requires that they bring their humanity out into the open, release their toxic shame, and receive more accurate messages than the ones internalized in childhood.
  528. By necessity, this process requires a safe person or safe people.
  529. As frightening as it may initially feel, finding these safe people is essential for learning to approve of self.
  530. The recovering Nice Guy cannot do this part alone.
  531. Safe people are essential for reversing the distorted beliefs all Nice Guys have about their worth.
  532.  
  533. Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived shortcoming . . .
  534. ● If they forget something.
  535. ● If they are late.
  536. ● If they break something.
  537. ● If they don't understand something.
  538. ● If they do something wrong.
  539. ● If they are depressed.
  540. ● If they are in pain.
  541. ● If they generally mess up.
  542. The Nice Guy's need to hide is often the most pronounced in areas that are just part of being human and
  543. alive.
  544.  
  545. Caring Vs. Caretaking
  546. Though Nice Guys see everything they do for others as loving, caretaking has very little to do with caring.
  547. Here are the differences:
  548. Caretaking Caring
  549. 1) Gives to others what the giver needs to give. 1) Gives to others what the receiver needs.
  550. 2) Comes from a place of emptiness within the giver. 2) Comes from a place of abundance the giver.
  551. 3) Always has unconscious strings attached. 3) Has no strings attached.
  552.  
  553. Even though Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to create a smooth, problem-free life, two major factors prevent them from attaining this goal.
  554. The first is that they are attempting the impossible.
  555. Life is not smooth. Human existence is by nature chaotic.
  556. Life is filled with experiences that are unpredictable and beyond anyone's control. Therefore, trying to create a predictable life in which everything always goes as planned is an exercise in futility.
  557.  
  558. In spite of the fact that we live in a chaotic, unpredictable world, Nice Guys are not only convinced that life can be smooth, they believe it should be. This belief is the direct result of their childhood abandonment experiences.
  559. The unpredictability of not having their needs met in a timely, judicious fashion was not only frightening, it was potentially life-threatening.
  560.  
  561. In attempt to cope with the uncertainty of their chaotic childhood, Nice Guys developed a belief
  562. system that if they could just do everything right, then everything would go right in their lives.
  563.  
  564. Personal Power
  565. A state of mind in which a person is confident he can handle whatever may come. This kind of power not only successfully deals with problems, challenges and adversity, it actually welcomes them, meets them head on, and is thankful for them.
  566. Personal power isn't the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear.
  567.  
  568. As recovering Nice Guys begin to surrender, dwell in reality, express their feelings, face their fears,
  569. develop integrity, and set boundaries, they access a power that allows them to welcome and embrace the
  570. challenges and "gifts" of life. Life isn't a merry-go-round, it's a roller coaster. As they reclaim personal
  571. power, recovering Nice Guys can experience the world in all of its serendipitous beauty. Life won't
  572. always be smooth, it may not always be pretty, but it will be an adventure — one not to be missed.
  573.  
  574. Reclaiming personal power includes:
  575. 1- Surrendering.
  576. 2- Dwelling in reality.
  577. 3- Expressing feelings.
  578. 4- Facing fears.
  579. 5- Developing integrity.
  580. 6- Setting boundaries.
  581.  
  582. 1- Surrender doesn't mean giving up, it means letting go of what one can't change and changing what one can.
  583. Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to see each life experience as a "gift" from the universe to stimulate growth, healing and learning.
  584. Instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me?" the recovering Nice Guy can respond to life's challenges by pondering, "What do I need to learn from this situation?
  585.  
  586. 2- Nice Guys try to control their world by creating belief systems about people and situations that are not based in reality.
  587. They then act as if these beliefs are accurate, when they are not.
  588.  
  589. 3- I frequently hear Nice Guys rationalize the withholding of their feelings by claiming they don't want to hurt anyone.
  590. The truth is they are covering their own butts. What they are really saying is that they don't want to do anything that might recreate their childhood experiences.
  591.  
  592. They're really not trying to protect anyone from harm, they're just trying to keep their world smooth and under control.
  593.  
  594. 4- Find courage in repeating his new found mantra: "I can handle it."
  595. Facing present day fears is the only way to overcome memory fear.
  596. Every time the Nice Guy confronts a fear, he unconsciously creates a belief that he can handle whatever it is he is afraid of.
  597. This challenges his memory fear.
  598. Challenging this memory fear makes the things outside of him seem less threatening.
  599. As these things seem less frightening, he feels more confident in confronting them.
  600.  
  601. The more this confidence grows, the less threatening life seems.
  602.  
  603. 5- My definition of integrity is "deciding what feels right and doing it."
  604. The alternative is using the "committee approach" .
  605. This method of decision-making and acting is based on trying to guess what everyone else would think is right.
  606. Following this committee approach is the quickest path to confusion, fear, powerlessness, and dishonesty.
  607.  
  608. 6- Boundaries are essential for survival. Learning to set boundaries allows Nice Guys to stop feeling like
  609. helpless victims and reclaim their personal power
  610. It is not unusual for recovering Nice Guys to go a little overboard when they first learn about boundary setting.
  611. They have a tendency to swing from one extreme to another. They become Kamikaze boundary setters and try to set boundaries with a sledge hammer or machete.
  612. They usually learn in time that they only have to use as much resistance as necessary to get the job done.
  613.  
  614. Willingness to tolerate intolerable behavior gives others a license to act in any way they please.
  615.  
  616. Before you can start setting boundaries, you have to become aware of how much you back up from your line to avoid conflict or to keep the peace
  617. Do you :
  618. Say "yes" when you would rather say "no"?
  619. Agree to do something to avoid conflict?
  620. Avoid doing something because someone might get upset at you?
  621. Tolerate an intolerable situation, hoping that it will just go away?
  622.  
  623. Even though Nice Guys often profess a deep desire to be intimately connected with another individual, their internalized toxic shame and childhood survival mechanisms make such connections difficult and problematic.
  624.  
  625. Finally, Nice Guys have difficulty getting the love they want because they spend too much time trying to make bad relationships work. Basically, Nice Guys suffer from the age-old problem of looking for love in all the wrong places.
  626. If a Nice Guy spends all of his time stuck in a bad relationship, it pretty much guarantees he won't find one that might work better.
  627.  
  628. When healthy individuals recognize that they have created a relationship that is not a good fit, or that a partner they have chosen lacks the basic qualities they desire, they move on.
  629. Not Nice Guys though.
  630. Due to their conditioning, Nice Guys just keep trying harder to get a non-workable situation to work or get someone to be something they are not.
  631. This tendency frustrates everybody involved.
  632.  
  633. If I were to identify one common factor at the core of every problem experienced by Nice Guys, it would be fear.
  634. Pretty much everything Nice Guys do or don't do is governed by fear.
  635. Their thoughts are funneled through fear-encrusted neurons in their brains. Their interactions are dictated by the politics of fear.
  636.  
  637. ● It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from demanding the raise he has been promised.
  638. ● It is fear that keeps a Nice Guy from going back to school to get the education or training he needs to pursue a truly fulfilling career.
  639. ● It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from quitting a job he despises.
  640. ● It is fear that gets in the way of a Nice Guy starting the business of his dreams.
  641. ● It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from living where he really wants to live and doing what he
  642. really wants to do.
  643.  
  644.  
  645. If a Nice Guy was called on to take care of a critical, needy, or dependent parent, he received a double dose of toxic shame.
  646. A child believes he should be able to please a critical parent, fix the problems of a depressed parent, and meet the needs of a smothering parent. Unfortunately, he can't.
  647.  
  648.  
  649. Codependency for Dummies
  650.  
  651. Change requires commitment.
  652. Growth means trying new things.
  653. Typical codependent behavior includes wanting others to change and not want to take responsibility for their choices.
  654.  
  655. Today's choice is the seed of tomorrow's change.
  656.  
  657. Recovery helps you find YOUR keys to happiness.
  658. [ Healing ]
  659.  
  660. instructing the critic
  661. No name calling
  662. it's better to be a supportive coach
  663.  
  664.  
  665.  
  666. What is a Ruminating Brain?
  667.  
  668. A ruminating brain is a washing machine that is constantly agitating in your head. It spins constantly, day and night. 24/7.
  669.  
  670. Typically, a ruminating brain causes a person’s mind to spin in many of the following ways (check any that apply to you):
  671.  
  672. Your Ruminating Brain Keeps Your Mind Spinning About the Past:
  673.  
  674. It rehashes perceived mistakes.
  675. It agonizes over missed opportunities.
  676. It replays failures and fuck-ups.
  677. It dwells on regret about bad choices.
  678. It collects and hangs on to perceived wounds and slights.
  679. It revisits “what only’s” and “only if’s.”
  680. It builds a case for, and constantly reminds you of, your defectiveness and inadequacy.
  681. Your Ruminating Brain Keeps Your Mind Spinning About the Future:
  682.  
  683. It lives in fear of repeating your same mistakes.
  684. It is dominated by worry, fear, and anxiety.
  685. It convinces you it is gathering information to make significant decisions, but it’s really just spinning.
  686. It keeps you stuck in the paralysis of analysis.
  687. It convinces you that you can’t act until you’ve considered every possible outcome of every possible action.
  688. It constantly rehearses possible conversations and potential scenarios.
  689. It lives in the world of “what if” and can imagine every possible negative outcome of any action or situation.
  690. It assumes there is a perfect way to do everything, and failure is not an option.
  691. Even when things are going well, it’s anticipating the other shoe falling.
  692. It assumes your future will mirror your past.
  693. Your Ruminating Brain Keeps Your Mind Spinning About Your Perceived Inadequacies and Others’ Opinions of You:
  694.  
  695. It compares you to others in ways that make you feel inferior and inadequate (and occasionally grandiosely superior).
  696. It measures you by its own arbitrary standards and unrealistic expectations.
  697. It remembers every mistake but forgets most successes.
  698. It obsesses over what people might think about you.
  699. It expects perfection in everything you do (and assumes everyone else does, too).
  700. It convinces you that you’re an imposter and fraud and that it’s only a matter of time before you’re found out.
  701. It lives for others’ affirmation and approval but can’t believe or accept them when they come.
  702. It is terrified of failing and looking foolish.
  703. It lives in constant fear of rejection and abandonment.
  704. The Madness
  705.  
  706. Obsessing about the past, living in the future, and comparing and measuring the self always results in a sense of worthlessness, failure, fear, and inadequacy. It paralyzes you and prevents you from acting boldly in your own best interest. It keeps you isolated and lonely. It makes you think you have to overcompensate and exceed people’s expectations in order to be loved and liked (and get laid). It blinds you to opportunity and the open doors that surround you. It keeps you living in deprivation rather than abundance.
  707.  
  708. Your Mind Is a Liar
  709.  
  710. Your mind lies to you all the time – this is a proven neurological and psychological fact.
  711.  
  712. Your mind distorts your reality, perceptions, memories, thoughts, and emotions. It easily convinces you that you’re a worthless, unlovable person, and that the world is a scary, unforgiving place. It has no problem dredging up all kinds of evidence to support and reinforce these distorted beliefs while ignoring information that might contradict them (Confirmation Bias).
  713.  
  714. Why does your mind do this?
  715.  
  716. Because of the type of brain you have.
  717.  
  718. The mind resides in the brain and thinks, believes, and acts on your thoughts. But this is determined by how your brain is wired.
  719.  
  720. If you nodded like a bobble head as you read down the lists above, you probably have a Ruminating Brain.
  721.  
  722. You may have inherited your ruminating brain from your parents just as you inherited your body type, height, and eye color. Look at your mom and dad and their moms and dads – did any of them struggle with self-doubt, anxiety, mood disorder, fear, criticalness, controlling behavior, isolation, dependency, addiction, impulsiveness, abusive behavior, anger, and/or difficulty in relationships? If so, they probably had a ruminating brain and passed it on to you.
  723. Or, early in life, your brain may have become wired to ruminate to cope with and manage abandonment, abuse, fear, sadness, uncertainty, or unpredictability. Your brain was very “plastic” and moldable when you were young, and its physical shape and how it functions were strongly influenced by your environment.
  724. Whether genetically inherited or wired early to manage childhood experiences, your ruminating brain constantly agitates like a washing machine. It causes your mind to spin and ruminate, often in ways that create a negative view of self, others, and the world.
  725.  
  726. Your mind rehashes negative thoughts, memories, fears, emotions, and scenarios of doom and gloom so frequently and consistently, that you naturally believe all the assumptions it makes about you and your place in the world.
  727.  
  728. But it is often wrong!
  729.  
  730. For example, your mind can tell you it’s a good idea to take a specific action and then later beat the hell out of you for doing so:
  731.  
  732. “Sure, eat that last doughnut.”
  733.  
  734. “You are such a loser! I can’t believe you would do something so stupid!”
  735.  
  736. Your mind can perceive a mistake and replay it over and over again. It will convince you that you are fundamentally flawed for making such a mistake and that you have to take every precaution never to make similar mistakes again. Your mind convinces you that your self-worth depends on always getting it right.
  737.  
  738. The same mind that thinks your thoughts will then criticize you for thinking those thoughts – and heaven forbid – for acting on them.
  739.  
  740. Here’s an important reality: the mind always believes everything it tells itself is true.
  741.  
  742. If your mind thinks it, your mind believes it, without question.
  743.  
  744. This is human nature.
  745.  
  746. Here’s an example. You see a pretty woman you want to approach and talk to. Your mind starts spinning. It tells you that if you approach this woman, you might get rejected and feel foolish. But it also tells you that if you don’t approach her, you’ll always regret it.
  747.  
  748. If you do get up the nerve, approach her, and get rejected, your mind beats you up for being so stupid and ruminates about what a loser you are. It repeatedly reminds you, “I told you so! What were you thinking? Women like that don’t go for losers like you.”
  749.  
  750. If you believe your mind’s warnings and avoid approaching her, then of course nothing happens, and your brain reinforces the faulty belief that women just aren’t attracted to you. It points out that you don’t have a woman in your life, so it must be true that that women can tell you are a loser. Then every night before you go to sleep, your mind imagines all the ways in which she might have been the perfect woman for you if you weren’t such a coward and a loser and could actually talk to women.
  751.  
  752. Feel like giving up yet?
  753.  
  754. The Good News
  755.  
  756. Your mind may convince you that you’re defective and unlovable – but it is wrong!
  757.  
  758. Your brain may have a programming flaw, but you don’t!
  759.  
  760. Realizing that you aren’t defective – and that the belief that you are comes from blindly accepting the distorted messages your mind constantly replays – can be one of the most emotionally liberating messages you could ever receive!
  761.  
  762. You are not broken! This is a lie your mind has convinced you of.
  763.  
  764. How to Stop The Madness?
  765.  
  766. Learn to become an observer of your thoughts, not a believer in them.
  767.  
  768. One of the unique and beautiful things about the human mind is that it can observe itself. It can watch its own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, biases, impulses, etc.
  769.  
  770. Your mind doesn’t care what it spins about. It’s often just ruminating about familiar, habitual topics. It likes following well-worn neural goat paths.
  771.  
  772. If you pay attention, you can consciously observe your thoughts, feelings, impulses, and memories and choose what your mind focuses on.
  773.  
  774. If you don’t, it will.
  775.  
  776. By practicing mindfulness and applying proven principles of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you can learn to slow your mind, observe it, challenge its assumptions, redirect it – even laugh at it – and turn your greatest critic into your staunchest ally.
  777. What You Will Learn in This Course
  778. What You Will Learn in The Ruminating Brain Course:
  779.  
  780. How to be the detached observer, not the believer, of your thoughts, beliefs, memories, and emotions
  781. How to slow and even stop the spinning
  782. How to check your thoughts for accuracy and relevance
  783. How to notice when your brain is spinning before it gets out of control
  784. How to reframe your thoughts and memories more realistically and productively
  785. How to redirect your thoughts
  786. How to learn from, and harness the power of, your ruminating brain
  787. How to sleep through the night without your mind keeping you awake
  788. How to release old, toxic memories, emotions, and self-limiting beliefs
  789. How to soothe your anxiety and take action even when you’re scared
  790. How to let go of attachment to outcome
  791. How to stop comparing yourself to others
  792. How to stop measuring yourself by arbitrary standards
  793. How to let go of perfectionism and accept failure as an important part of life
  794. How to learn from your mistakes and see them as opportunities for personal growth
  795. How to overcome the paralysis of analysis
  796. How to realize that being imperfect allows people to get closer to you and be there for you
  797. How to stop the “thinker”
  798. How to separate the useless noise in your head from important information
  799. How to become aware of how your mind lies to you
  800. How to accept and embrace yourself as an amazing human being
  801. Calm the Clatter – Stop The Madness
  802.  
  803. The Ruminating Brain online class will help you become the observer, not the believer, of your thoughts, feelings, memories, and emotions by exploring and illuminating how your mind ruminates. You will explore the origins of your beliefs about you, others, and the world.
  804.  
  805. You will learn how to apply proven mindfulness and CBT strategies for regularly becoming aware of your thoughts, slowing the spinning of your mind, and shining the bright light of reason on your distorted and self-limiting beliefs.
  806.  
  807. Turn Your Biggest Critic Into Your Staunchest Ally!
  808.  
  809. Click Here to Register
  810.  
  811. Lessons
  812. Lesson One: Turn Your Biggest Critic Into Your Staunchest Ally
  813. Lesson One Bonus #1: Common Rumination Patterns
  814. Lesson One Bonus #2: How to Stop The Madness
  815. Lesson Two: Thanks Mom & Dad: Understanding Your Ruminating Brain
  816. Lesson Two Bonus: Waking Up
  817. Lesson Three: Mindfulness and Living In The Present Moment
  818. Lesson Three Bonus: Develop a Daily Gratitude Practice
  819. Lesson Four: Lies Your Mind Tells You
  820. Lesson Four Bonus: Tools for Separating The Lies In Your Head From The Truth
  821. Lesson Five: Judge, Jury, and Prosecutor
  822. Lesson Five Bonus: Obsess Appointments
  823. Lesson Six: Wrapped Around The Axel
  824. Lesson Six Bonus: Ruminating and Thinking (Michael)
  825. Lesson Seven: Why You’ve Never Gotten It Right and Why You Never Will
  826. Lesson Seven Bonus: I’ll Handle It
  827. Lesson Eight: Why Relationships Seem So Hard
  828. Lesson Eight Bonus: Make Your Bedroom a Non-Rumination Zone
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