Boarding School Free Time Football for 9 Year Old Boys
==================================================

Once there was a boarding school: "Whitehall Minster Co-Educational Prep School". The house for 9 year old boys was called Elias. The dorms were named after rivers and were called Trent, Severn, Thames, Avon, Tamar, Tyne and Tweed. Each dorm slept 10 boys.

The "leader" of dorm Trent was called "Fig Head", or "Figs" for short. His friend but rival's name was "Devious Careerist Who Pretends To Be A Lovable Buffoon". His nickname was "Blondy". The other boys in dorm Trent were "Disaffected", "Alienated" and "Negatively Affected by Immigration" (aka Negs). There was "Has A Good Reason to Stop The Game", nickname "Spots"; "Has A Good Reason To Continue Playing The Game", known as "Ingy"; "Nostalgic"; and "Votes For Anyone But A Tory" (aka Foff). Last was "Obedient". Obedient's nickname was "Spade" because he sounded like a spayed cat.

One Saturday afternoon, all the boys went from Elias, across the Stable Yard, past the Fountain, to the Whites playing field, to play football. It was decided to play in dorms to see which was the best. (Author's note: Yes, I know this is unrealistic and I was always picked last, but bear with me here.) Trent and Avon started a game. Figs, Blondy and Ingy made a great start and scored 6 between them to Avon's 0.

But Figs had squabbled with Blondy because of an old argument over who got to sit where in the Common Room. "Spade" arrived late. Blondy saw an ingenious opportunity to get back at Figs. He fibbed to Spade about which way they were playing and didn't tell him the score. Spade somehow didn't hear the cries of his team-mates and 'punted one well in'. The score was now 6-1 to Trent.

"Disaffected" took up the idea and scored another own goal on purpose to mess up the game. "Alienated", "Negs" and "Spots" followed suit and scored own goals on purpose as well. "Nostalgic" scored an own goal because he didn't like football and why couldn't we play hockey like we did last term? Foff scored another own goal because Figs's face was too round and he hated everything Figs did and said. 6-7 to Avon. It was nearly time for tea, so game over. Everyone else came over to see what was going on.

Ingy was astonished, then cried, then was annoyed because of losing 6-7. Blondy was a bit worried because his plan seemed to have worked too well and he hadn't expected to lose. Everyone else was annoyed because Trent hadn't played properly. Ingy appealed and said the score should be reset to 0-0; but all the other boys said that was ridiculous and would have none of it. If they would do that then they might as well move the jumpers marking the corners of the pitch and the goals during the game.

Everyone except the boys in Trent ran over to the other side of the Whites field, leaving Trent behind to argue it out amongst themselves. The Trent boys who had deliberately played against their own side were unrepentant and stuck their tongues out.

The large group of boys conferred urgently. One boy cried because Trent had spoiled everyone else's game. Another boy couldn't believe Trent could be so stupid and what is the point of letting them play if they’re going to be like that. Another boy said definitely and how come they always seem to get more sweets at Tuck than anyone else? Of course it was because someone in Trent had a Chinese Uncle.

One boy from Thames said they're not all that bad really so let's just ignore it. Everyone rolled their eyes at this absurdly virtuous suggestion. Another boy said Trent were pigs because they didn't share enough of their sweets and they're always whinging even though they get their own way all the time. Another boy said there was no chance of anyone from Trent going down town with him to the toy shop for his birthday next week. He was not friends with Figs anymore and would Frogleg like to go down town with him instead? After awhile, everyone decided to cold-shoulder Trent and that would teach them a lesson.

All the boys in Elias were late to tea and had to put up with the worst of the school dinner. After tea, all went back to their own dorms to sulk. Nostalgic wished he could go to another house or camp in the woods and set up his own school. A boy in Avon said that if Nostalgic from Trent thought it was such a good idea to live in the past, then Nostalgic could do without his torch and Nostalgic smelled anyway. A boy in Thames said that if Spots thought it was a good idea to mess things up, then what did he need a radiator next to his bed for? Besides, Spots picked his nose during prep and was disgusting.

A boy in Tweed said that his daddy has just moved to Zurich where there is skiing and he certainly wouldn't be inviting anyone from Trent for exeat. His friend in Tweed said that it was a bit unfair, because he knew that Neg's parents were having trouble paying the fees. But someone else pointed out that Negs had one funny eye and spots so it didn't matter and everyone in the dorm agreed with that. A boy called "Farmers Son" said maybe Spots had a point, because his daddy was a farmer and was cheesed off because t'other farm up the road was getting more money and his daddy wasn't. But before he could explain any more, someone said Farmers' farts smelled worse than the farm he came from and everybody laughed.

The atmosphere in the house was sour for a few days, until word went round that Blondy had been chucked by Annabelle Beacon, the prettiest girl from the girls' house called Hebe down the road. All boys silently observed that Annabelle Beacon was no longer Taken and was now Available.

By Thursday, Top of the Pops was on, so everybody went to watch that in the Common Room. All except two boys: Blondy played a little handheld computer game called "Game & Watch - Donkey Kong" under his bed in a bad mood; while Figs skulked about in the corridor and eventually moved to another school.

The following Saturday, the entire episode had been almost completely forgotten. The boys picked teams in the usual way. A few boys remembered what had happened. All the other boys remembered only that sprouts had been served for lunch last week and the sprouts had been particularly revolting.

THE END

------------------------------------------------
Funny? Vaguely amusing? Laugh out loud? Comments? Improvements?
Grateful for your help.