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Smearwolf, a play in one act

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Jul 10th, 2014
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  1. EXT. A PARKING LOT BEHIND COSTCO - DAY
  2.  
  3. EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER POSTED ON THE `HOLLYWOOD HANDBOOK` FORUM IS LINED UP IN
  4. SINGLE FILE. A STEAMROLLER IS PARKED MENACINGLY AT ONE END OF THE LINE.
  5.  
  6. SCOTT AUKERMAN
  7. I've been waiting my whole life for this.
  8.  
  9. SCOTT AUKERMAN (CONT'D)
  10. Muahahahahahahaha. Hahahahaha! Ahahahaha hahaha!
  11.  
  12. SCOTT STARTS THE STEAMROLLER AND RUNS OVER ALL ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY ONE
  13. PEOPLE, IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER. THEY OBLIGINGLY ACCEPT THEIR MESSY FATE.
  14.  
  15. -----
  16. AAAAAAARRGGHHHHHH!!!
  17.  
  18. 2COOL4U69
  19. AAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHH!!
  20.  
  21. AGATA
  22. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  23.  
  24. AM GEMS
  25. AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!
  26.  
  27. ANDANNABEGINS
  28. AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
  29.  
  30. ANDREW
  31. AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!
  32.  
  33. ANDY SMITH
  34. AARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!
  35.  
  36. ANDYKNEIS
  37. AGGHHHHHHHHH!
  38.  
  39. ANTHONY SCONTRINO
  40. AARRGHHH!!!!
  41.  
  42. ASTECK
  43. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  44.  
  45. BACHELORRECEXEC
  46. AAAAARRRRGHHHHHHH!!
  47.  
  48. BEINGALLFISHIES
  49. AAAARGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
  50.  
  51. BEN K
  52. AARRGGHH!!!
  53.  
  54. BIGICECREAM
  55. AAAARRGGGGHHHH!
  56.  
  57. BOZOS OF BASKETBALL
  58. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  59.  
  60. BRETT MORRIS
  61. AARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
  62.  
  63. BRUCE REID ROBINSON II
  64. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  65.  
  66. BUCKINKAEDING
  67. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  68.  
  69. BURDRULZ
  70. AAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHHHH
  71.  
  72. CHAD
  73. AAAARRRGGGGHHH!
  74.  
  75. CHANSON
  76. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  77.  
  78. CLEM DAWG
  79. AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!
  80.  
  81. CLYDE
  82. ARRGGHHHHH!!
  83.  
  84. CODY SKULLY
  85. AAARGGGGGGHHHH!!!
  86.  
  87. COMMON SENCE
  88. AARRRRRGGGGGHHH!
  89.  
  90. CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD
  91. AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
  92.  
  93. DAN ENGLER
  94. ARRGGHHH!!!!
  95.  
  96. DAVID GALEHOUSE
  97. ARRGHHHHHH!
  98.  
  99. DEXDEXTER
  100. ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH
  101.  
  102. DR_BALLS
  103. ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!
  104.  
  105. DRBLUEJEANNS
  106. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  107.  
  108. DUBDUB74
  109. AAGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!
  110.  
  111. EARPANTHER
  112. AAARRRRGGGHH!!
  113.  
  114. ERIKA THOMPSON
  115. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  116.  
  117. EVANMD
  118. ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
  119.  
  120. EVERYBODYLOVESFROZENDRPEPPER
  121. ARRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
  122.  
  123. FAILEDBITS
  124. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  125.  
  126. FATTY2DICKS
  127. AAAARRRRRGGHHHHHHH!!!
  128.  
  129. FREJA
  130. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  131.  
  132. GABE DANON
  133. AAAARRRRGGGGGHH!!
  134.  
  135. GAME OF SCONES
  136. AGGGGHHHH!
  137.  
  138. GAYHAMMER
  139. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  140.  
  141. GED
  142. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  143.  
  144. GEORDIE MCGRATH
  145. AAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHH!
  146.  
  147. GNARLY RIFF DUDE
  148. AAAAAAGGHHH!!!
  149.  
  150. GOOFUSOMEGA
  151. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  152.  
  153. GOOFYMALETWERK
  154. AAAAARRGHHHHHHHHH!!
  155.  
  156. GREGGY
  157. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  158.  
  159. HAGGPLANT PARMESIALEX
  160. AARGGHHHHHHHHH!!!
  161.  
  162. HAYZIE BONE
  163. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  164.  
  165. HIPSTERNONSENSE
  166. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  167.  
  168. HONLADS
  169. AAAARGGHHHHH!
  170.  
  171. HOT - SLUNCH
  172. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  173.  
  174. HUNTER
  175. AAAAAARRRRRGGHH!!
  176.  
  177. ICLUBSODAS_OVER_THEHEAD
  178. AAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!
  179.  
  180. INNER G'
  181. AAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHHH
  182.  
  183. JACOB C
  184. AAAAAARRGGGHH!!!!
  185.  
  186. JAKE FOGELNEST
  187. AAAARRRGHHHHHHHHH!
  188.  
  189. JEFF ULLRICH
  190. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  191.  
  192. JEFFREYPARTIES
  193. AGGHHHHHHHH!!
  194.  
  195. JOE KING
  196. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  197.  
  198. JOE LERINI
  199. AAGGHHHHH
  200.  
  201. JOE MCGURL
  202. AARRRRGGGGHHHHH!
  203.  
  204. JON ONYX
  205. AAAAAAGHH!
  206.  
  207. JOSHARMINIO
  208. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  209.  
  210. JUAN SWARLOS
  211. AAAAAAAAGGHHHH!
  212.  
  213. JUGHEAD
  214. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
  215.  
  216. JULY DIAZ
  217. ARRRRRGGGGHHH!!
  218.  
  219. KLEM_JOHANSEN
  220. AARRRGGGGGGHHH!!!!
  221.  
  222. KYLE O'KEEFE
  223. AAARGGGGGGHH!!!!
  224.  
  225. LETS KISS BRO
  226. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  227.  
  228. LUKE HENDERSON!
  229. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  230.  
  231. LYNDON JOHNSON
  232. AAAAAAARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
  233.  
  234. MART J
  235. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  236.  
  237. MASTER_BLASTER
  238. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!
  239.  
  240. MATTCAMERON
  241. AAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  242.  
  243. MEAN DETECTIVE
  244. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  245.  
  246. MICHAEL BAY OF PIGS
  247. RRRGHHHHHHHHH!!
  248.  
  249. MWN
  250. AAAAARRGGGGHH!!!
  251.  
  252. NEWBIE BY NATURE
  253. AAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!
  254.  
  255. NEWTMAN98
  256. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  257.  
  258. NOT ERIK
  259. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  260.  
  261. NOT_YOUR_MOTHERS_DICK_JOKES
  262. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  263.  
  264. OCTERDOCTOPUS
  265. AAAAAARRGGHHHHHHH!!!!
  266.  
  267. PAPA JOHN LEGUIZAMO
  268. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  269.  
  270. PARAPPATHERAPTOR
  271. AAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!
  272.  
  273. PATSMEAR
  274. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  275.  
  276. PINTMEEF
  277. AAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!
  278.  
  279. POIKA
  280. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  281.  
  282. PRESTONSINFIELD
  283. AAAARGGGGHHH!!!!
  284.  
  285. RATPACK
  286. AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH
  287.  
  288. RAXOZELLET
  289. AAAAAAAGGHH
  290.  
  291. ROBERT GOODWIN
  292. AARRRRGHHHHHHHH!!!!
  293.  
  294. RYGEL
  295. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  296.  
  297. SALADJESSERAPHEAL
  298. AAARRRGGGGGHHHH!
  299.  
  300. SAM.
  301. AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHH!
  302.  
  303. SARAH
  304. ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
  305.  
  306. SCOOPS
  307. AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH
  308.  
  309. SCOTCHBINGINGTON
  310. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
  311.  
  312. SEAN PAUL GIAMATTI
  313. AAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH
  314.  
  315. SHOWSHOWBRO
  316. AAAAAAGHHHHHH!!
  317.  
  318. SKIZELO
  319. AAARRGGGGGGHHHHHH
  320.  
  321. SLATERBOI
  322. AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!
  323.  
  324. SLY SANDERS
  325. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  326.  
  327. SOMEBODY
  328. AAARGGGHHHHH!!!
  329.  
  330. SPENNY AND THE JETS
  331. AAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!
  332.  
  333. STRIT JOHNSON
  334. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  335.  
  336. SYDNEY BRISTOW
  337. AAAAAAARGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!
  338.  
  339. TAKEHOMEJOKE
  340. ARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!
  341.  
  342. TARTAN
  343. AAAAAAARRRRRGGHH!!!
  344.  
  345. THE NARNOLD
  346. AAAAAAAARRRRRGGHHH!!
  347.  
  348. THECLASSYHOBO
  349. AAARRRGGHHHHHHH!
  350.  
  351. THELONIOUSJUNK
  352. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  353.  
  354. THEREALUNCOOL
  355. AAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
  356.  
  357. THINKOFTHECHILDREN
  358. ARRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!
  359.  
  360. TIM ATKIN
  361. AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!
  362.  
  363. TIM TREESE
  364. ARRRGGGGGGHH!!!!
  365.  
  366. TOBY KEITH SWEAT
  367. AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!
  368.  
  369. TYMARCINIAKK
  370. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  371.  
  372. VALERIE BRYANT
  373. AAAAAAARRRRRGGHH!!
  374.  
  375. WHATUPWHATDOWN
  376. ARGGGHHHHHH!
  377.  
  378. IN THE WAKE OF THE STEAMROLLER, SCOTT CONSIDERS THE BLOODY SCENE.
  379.  
  380. SCOTT AUKERMAN
  381. Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!
  382.  
  383. THE END
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