How Far Chapter 8: Last chance

	I gasp awake, my arms flying out from my sides. I grip the fine silk sheets and feel my eyes open, although it’s more out of instinct than real purpose. I was born blind.

	I can feel my breath slowly steading as I realize I’m in a bed, and it takes me a moment to remember that I lay in my cousin’s guest room. I place my hand to my head and run it through my long hair, feeling the tangled mess. I try and remember my dream, but all I can remember is the faint sense of falling.

	It figures. I’ve been having nightmares for weeks and I can never remember what they were about. It’s frustrating, but it wouldn’t do to just complain about it.

	I can hear the faint sound of footsteps to my right, towards where I remember the door is. The person’s gait has a sense of purpose, meaning it’s not Hideki, but its lighter, meaning it’s not my uncle Jigoro either. That means it’s either Akira or…
I pull my covers up and lay my head back against the pillow, closing my eyes. While my cousin and I have been getting along more, I’m not too keen on the idea of attempting to converse with her this early. I hear the person approach the door, and they enter without even knocking. Fitting that the girl who can’t hear wouldn’t-

	“Lilly?” whispers Akira’s rough voice.

	I feel a blush twinge into my face at my assumption, but it must be hidden from view. I hear Akira enter into the room and approach the bed I lay on. Even knowing that it’s Akira, I still don’t want to get up, so I stay silent. My mind falls on the subject that it had spent all of last night on… Hisao.

	Akira walks over to the foot of the bed and sits on it, and I can’t help the bitter thought of wishing she was Hisao instead. If he had come into the room I would have leaped up from bed and thrown myself into his arms… but no. I need to calm down, I think to myself. I’m being unfair… but it’s alright if I just do it in my mind, isn’t it? Just for now, I decide. I’m giving up more than enough, I think I’m entitled to a bit of moaning.

	Akira doesn’t speak, and it just makes me want her to go away. I begin feeling guilty over my thoughts, I love my sister more than the world…

	Slowly, Akira gets to her feet and approaches the head of the bed. She lets out a long sigh, still standing over me. “I’m so sorry Lill…” she whispers, and then walks out of the room. I feel guilt pang in my chest and allow myself a grimace as she leaves. It’s my decision to go after all. She isn’t forcing me.

	I don’t really want to get up still. I’m already all packed, and there’s nothing to even do besides wait for the flight at 11:30 tonight. Our father booked a late flight so that we could get there before sunrise, saying that he and Akira had business to attend to come morning. Even on our first day, our father has need of her… It really speaks of how important she must be to the business.
You know you’re not going to sleep more anyways, may as well get up.

	I turn and raise the covers from myself, and swing my legs from the bed. I decide to make it later, wanting to get ready first. As I begin to feel my way towards my clothes that I had laid out, I hear footsteps in the hall once more. I turn as the door opens. “Hello,” I bid to the person who enters the room.

	They don’t answer though, and I hear them step forward. I hear a knock on the dresser as the person approaches, and I feel them take my hand. I recognize it at once as Shizune’s hand, and she deposits something with a handle into my own. I feel it with both hands and realize that it must be a brush as I run my hand through the bristles. “Thank you” I say, remembering that Shizune can read lips. She stands for a moment, and then places her arm on my shoulder. Soon after, she spins away and leaves.

	I’ve been making a lot of bad assumptions today. Regret fills me as I realize that this is another relationship I’m leaving behind.

	It doesn’t take long for me to get ready, and once I dress I make the bed and leave the room. I attempt to navigate the house without using my cane, instead sliding my hand softly upon the wall towards the other guest room. I can hear Akira talking further down the hall.

	“Yea, we’ll be leaving around 11:30 here,” said Akira. She pauses as she listens, and I head in her direction. “Well it says we’ll get there around 3:30. No, I’m not happy about it either, Arthur, but that’s how it is.” I stop outside her doorway. Given that I can hear her voice unobstructed, her door must be open. She must be busy… Maybe I shouldn’t bother her. “Well than take it up with Hiroyuki, he picked the time!” Akira says our fathers name with venom in her voice. The name Arthur was familiar to me too, but I couldn’t place it. “Yea yea… I know. Alright, well we’ll see you around then. I bet the old man won’t even be awake to welcome us. Yea? Ummmm, I’ll bet however much 5,000 yen is in your currency. Pounds? Yea, well you figure it out, I have enough to do today. Yea yea, alright. See ya.” I hear Akira snap the mobile phone shut, and she approaches the door. I knock on it, and feel the door push open before me. “Oh, Lilly. Hey, I was just going to come and wake you.” Akira said to me with a hint of surprise.

	“Yeah, I just woke up actually.” I say. She comes closer to me, then backs away quickly.

	“Bleh, have you not showered?” I frown, disapprovingly at her.

	“Well I don’t really know their… you know…” I say, trailing off.

	“Oh, right. Guess it’d be kind of hard not knowing the bathroom. Well it’s alright, you can just shower when we get home,” she says brightly. I frown at her all the same.

	“You know, it’s not polite to comment on somebody like that. It’s only been a day anyways, I’m sure I smell fine.” I say scowling.

	“Hehe, whatever you say, stinky,” she says with a laugh. Before I can retort, she embraces me in a hug and I can’t get myself to push off of her. “I’m only joking. You’re fine.” She breaks off the hug, but still holds my shoulders and I can tell she’s staring at my face. I open my eyes, holding them open. I know people can be… uneasy talking to someone when they can’t see their eyes. “I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, you know that right?”

	Slightly taken aback, I answer “Of course.” She hugs me again, and then takes my hand in hers and begins pulling me away from the room. “Come on, we got a big day ahead of us!” She leads us through the hall and down the stairs. I don’t really remember the layout, so having Akira lead me on is a boon.

	“What do you mean, big day? I’m already packed and all,” I tell Akira. She doesn’t respond, but I hear her chuckle slightly. I feel her pace increase, “Come on, it’ll be fun. Just trust your big sister for once!” I hear a door unlatch, and I feel the fresh new summer air come pouring into the air conditioned house. Akira tugs me alongside her

	“Akira wait! I don’t even have shoes!”

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	I sulked the entire car ride.

	Not because Akira wouldn’t tell me where we were going. I’m used to her keeping secrets and surprises.

	As we stopped in front of our destination, Akira enthusiastically shouts, “We’re here!”

	“That’s great Akira, but where exactly is here?” I respond.

	“Oh quit being so negative, come on let’s go!” With that, she opens up her car door and jumps out. I follow suit, stepping out tentatively with my bare feet. Akira dragged me bodily to the car against my protest. I feel the warm asphalt and sigh as I think how badly I’ll need to shower after this. “Come on!” Akira shouts from up ahead, and I walk off of what I assume is a driveway onto a side walk. She reaches out and takes my arm, and as she leads I sense there’s something familiar with where we are. I smell a flower patch to our right as we walk along, and Akira warns me of a step ahead of us.
If I stub my toes, I’ll kill her, I think to myself.

	Suddenly, she reaches down and takes my hand. “Here,” she says softly. She guides it forward until it’s just below face level, and I can feel the stone of a building. She raises it slightly, and I can feel something carved into the brick. It takes me a moment to realize there’s more carvings, and my fingers trace through each, forming them in my mind.

	The number 07 is carved into the wall, and just under it, Akira and Lilly Satou residence.

	I can’t really find the words to reply. This is the apartment we grew up in, the home that Akira and I shared for years. She had moved out of it into an apartment closer to work when I had moved to Yamaku. “How… Why does it still have our names on it?” I ask, this being the only thought I can form.

	Akira chuckles almost sadly. “I kept paying the rent on it, I figured we might… you know. Need it again. Ms. Suzuki gave me a deal, and she seemed pretty sad when I told her we would be leaving.”

	Ms. Suzuki was the old woman that was our landlord. She was friends with our mother, and had almost taken us in when our family left. We paid next to nothing for rent, until Akira started insisting on it that is.

	“Come on,” she says, placing a guiding hand on my back. “Let’s go inside.” I hear the click of a lock as Akira turns the key, and we enter into our old home.

	Instantly, a flood of memories pierces my mind. I remember that precisely 5 steps to my right is a wall that will lead to the kitchen, only 15 steps away. To my left is a stand with a bamboo plant that Akira was desperately trying to keep alive… or, she had been when we were still here. A quick pass over the space with my hand confirms my suspicion, the plant is gone. Akira sighs as she enters the room, and I hear her flop down onto what I presume is our old couch. “God, I’m going to miss this thing,” she says.

	“Akira…” I say, trailing off. I’m unsure of where to go with this without sounding resentful. With a pang, an unwanted thought about Hisao comes to mind. He always wanted me to be straightforward, I think to myself.

	“What’s up, Lils?” She sounds unconcerned, and I can’t help the feeling of resentment increase slightly. Perhaps I should just say it.

	“Why did you bring us here?”

	Silence. I can tell she’s looking at me, but she must not know what to say. I tentatively step forward, unsure really myself of what to say. She breathes out a large sigh, making it easier for me to look at her. “I figured we should come and say goodbye,” she mutters, seemingly unsure of herself in a very un-Akira way.

	I walk forward, feeling the familiar carpet patterns on the bottoms of my feet. I reach out, touching the edge of the couch. I gently sit down next to her. She’s doing this with good intentions, just let it go.

	“Alright,” I say, forcing a smile on my face as I turn to look at her. “I’d like that.”

	“Good!” I can hear her shift, but I stand up before she can place her arm around me. “I’m going to go see my old room,” I say, swiftly walking in the memorized direction. I don’t honestly want to be here.

	I’d rather still be in my room at school, waking up next to the familiar breathing…

	I feel the carpet give way to wooden floors as I make my way down the hallway to my bedroom. I’m reminded about how the dorms at school were compared to our apartment, which in truth was more of a home. After all, mother and father looked after us in at least one way.

	I enter my bedroom, and the moment I close the door I just want to cry all over again. I spent so many night here wishing I could leave this place and be with our parents, but now that it’s happening I don’t want to go at all. I wish Hisao was here, even if he’s still mad at me, even if he wants me to go, I wish I could throw my arms around him and just cry. But that’s not the Sato way, is it? Bitter thoughts creep into my mind, and I walk over to my bed and sit upon it. I have to give up everything I have, and I can’t even be sad about it. I’m only getting more frustrated, so I lay back against the wall and try to relax.

	I miss my family, I think to myself. I miss mom and dad and all of us just being together. I miss mom reading to us when we went to sleep, I miss how being around dad always made me feel safe even though I couldn’t see. Even though things felt different when we went to visit, that was probably because of our aunt’s sickness. Things will be better. You’ve made the right choice, I tell myself.

	I hear footsteps in the hallway, followed by a slight knock on the door. “Hey Lilly? It’s me,” Akira says, awkwardly. Why doesn’t she just come in?

	“The door is unlocked,” I call out to her.

	“Yea, well, my hands are kinda full. Can you get it?”

	I resign myself to my fate, I will be strong and carry on for my family. Just as I always have. I get to my feet and walk towards the door, opening it.

	“I got you something,” Akira says. “Hold out your hand!”

	I comply, and as she puts a cone shaped object into my hand, a drop of something cold splashes onto my bare foot. “Ice cream!!” She seems to have recovered fairly well. I’m grateful to hear her sound much more like herself.

	“Oh, well than you very much,” I say, slightly bowing my head. “What flavor did you get me?”

	“Nu-uh, no spoiling it! Take a lick!”

	I try to smell the flavors, but Akira must have gotten different ones because there’s a mix of smells in the air. I raise the ice cream to my lips and lick at it, and the taste makes me freeze.

	“French Vanilla, you’re favorite!!”

	I can’t stop the tears from coming.

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	The ride home was… uncomfortable. Akira and I returned to the Hakamichi household in silence, and the moment we got back I went into the guest room and closed the door. I haven’t come out since. I don’t want to, I want to lay here forever and just sleep, but I can’t get my mind off of Hisao. What’s he doing right now? Where is he, I wonder to myself. Is he thinking about me? Does he even care anymore?

	I hear a knock on the door, and I realize I must have spaced out to not hear them approach. “Come in,” I call, sitting up to face the door.

	The door opens and someone enters the room. “Will you be joining us for dinner?” It’s Hideaki, my little cousin.

	“No, but thank you. I’m not feeling particularly hungry right now.” It’s true, I don’t think I could stomach anything with how horrible I’ve been feeling today.

	He pauses, as if unsure what to say, and I can hear him fidgeting. “Are you sure?” he finally asks. “It’s a long flight back to Inverness.”

	“I am quite sure,” I reply.

	Another pause, more fidgeting.

	“Why are you leaving?” he asks.

	The unexpected question hits me, but what is stranger is the tone that he asks it in. It’s almost as if he doesn’t really care to know… Which must mean he wasn’t the one to ask the question. That’s not fidgeting, its sign language.

	Anger courses through me as I realize that BOTH of my cousins are in the room, and they didn’t care to tell me. “Tell Shizune that she very well knows why. I have to go,” I say, emphasizing the venom in my voice. How dare she come in here and-

	“She means, why are you leaving him?” All pretense of her not being in the room are gone now as he addresses her openly. I don’t know how to answer, whether from the directness of Hideaki or from Shizune’s question. “You know,” he goes on, seemingly interested this time, “It’s none of my business, but you really should ask yourself why.” With that, I hear them both turn and walk from the room.

	“I’ve asked myself that question more times than I can count,” I mutter barely above a whisper.

	The door closes, and fresh tears take hold in my eyes.

	This is the last time, I promise to myself. This will be the last time I cry.

	I turn and bury my face into the pillow, letting out sobs of sadness and frustration until I finally feel the pull of exhaustion and I slowly fall asleep.