If you don’t know who /u/DarqWolff [1] is, goddamn, I am so excited for you, because all this is going to be new to you. There are going to be a shitload of links as we explore one of the most compelling Redditors. The bolded links are the most drama-packed and delicious. Everything else is non-essential, but still relevant to capturing DarqWolff's essence.
Without further ado, the quintessential monomyth protagonist, the Hero with a Thousand Faces[2] : DarqWolff.
Chapter 1: The Call to Adventure
/u/DarqWolff [3] , a 13 year old teenager, has wandered the world of Reddit for a long year, and has avoided any controversy. His posts mostly consist of asking for help for his various projects, such as a Zombie movie[4] , and an anime[5] . None of these projects materialize, but it is clear that our hero is destined for great things. Most noteworthy is his attempt to learn programming[6] , where DarqWolff is convinced he has what it takes to become a programmer, and that his failures are because of programming’s stupid teaching methods.
Chapter 2: Supernatural Aid
A 14 year old DarqWolff asks the mysterious AskReddit oracles for relationship help. ”Why is it so easy for me to make friends, yet impossible for me to get a girlfriend? [7] ”. The masses respond, pointing to his young age and his ego. When told he has an ego, our hero drops lines like, “There's just something that it points out about our society that makes me want to fucking kill everyone.“
Chapter 3: Crossing of the First Threshold into My Little Pony
At about this time, DarqWolff has become a brony, who he identifies strongly with. DarqWolff launches a furious tirade against the rest of Reddit in /r/mylittlepony[8] , where he says the rest of Reddit is too stupid for him[9] :
|I'm extremely intelligent by every measure that's accepted in the actual psychology community. I got a 1650 on an online practice SAT test in seventh grade, without preparing for it
Chapter 4: The Act of Trials
Despite getting a 1650 on an online practice SAT test in seventh grade, without preparing for it, DarqWolff returns once more to /r/AskReddit[10] to ask for help regarding his mother[11] .
|Alright, so, I want to be the CEO of Google when I grow up, in short... I have a great personality with few flaws. I know that if I have any level of opportunity at all, I can accomplish virtually anything.
When called immature and a child, DarqWolff predictably loses his shit and tries to rally the Brony community[12] to support him.
Chapter 5: Atonement with the Mother
DarqWolff continues to have family problems, when his mother files for “PINS petition, Person In Need of Supervision or something like that, which is basically probation that your parents sign you up for.”[13]
| I'm not going to get into Exeter or Harvard or MIT, because it's on the record that I'm on PINS... It's extremely unlikely that I'll even make a million dollars, let alone the billions that I was hoping for
MLPloung offers helpful advice like, “Emancipate yourself.” DarqWolff updates a few days later.[14]
As his obsession with My Little Pony deepens, he creates the subreddit /r/TaraStrong[15] , dedicated to the voice actress of Twilight Sparkles, one of the pony characters.
Chapter 6: The Meeting with the Goddess
For perhaps the first time, DarqWolff is happy, posting “I am truly just happy” [16] Why?
|A particular pony fic seems to have totally changed my life... I've had a crush on Twilight Sparkle for like, forever. In the fic I read, which I'm unfortunately not allowed to mention here (unless the mods get back to me and say it's OK), there's a portrayal of Twilight Sparkle as a person living in the real world. Then it portrayed a romance with her, which was executed flawlessly, made me ridiculously happy, and stuck with me, causing me to think through a lot of things, starting with my views on / behaviors in romance in general, and then progressing to, like, my entire self... it's not that I have a crush on Twilight Sparkle so much as that I've always had a crush on her phenotype... She just happens to embody all the traits I love
With his love life going swimmingly, DarqWolff turns his attention to the professional world, e-mailing GabeN how to be a millionaire.[17] DarqWolff disagrees with Gaben and the /r/gaming[18] community, believing he has the intelligence to become a billionaire.
Chapter 7: Apotheosis
At this point, DarqWolff decides to help others, and creates /r/MyLittleSupportGroup[19] , a subreddit where bronies provide support to each other. However, a huge schism occurs between DarqWolff and the MLP community, most of which has been lost to a particularly fierce scorched earth policy.
An eye-witness recounts:
http://i.imgur.com/QvWia.png [20]
At the same time, DarqWolff is extremely active on /r/mylittleandysonic1[21] , an insane sub for bronies centered around ponyporn and other random shit. DarqWolff tries to run for mod[22] , spamming several threads. At some point (possible after not becoming a mod), DarqWolff turns against /r/mylittleandysonic1[23] , and creates a new account,/u/ShitMLAS1Does [24] . This further alienates him, and these events collide as the MLP community turns on one of their most active members.
/u/Evil_Toaster [25] , moderator and community figure of /r/MLP[26] , appears, banning DarqWolff.[27] DarqWolff promptly loses his mind, “I cried for about twenty minutes”[28] and decides to withdraw from MLP subreddits, beforeshortly returning[29] .
DarqWolff enters depression, and goes back to /r/MLPlounge[30] , saying “I feel trapped”[31] Things get pretty dark.
Also at some point he has celebrated his birthday, and he is now 15. DarqWolff does try to work on his depression though[32] (link to SRD thread about this[33] ).
At about this time, DarqWolff tries to argue in /r/funny[34] about relationships, despite admitting he is “A guy who’s never been in a relationship.”[35] (link to SRD thread[36] ) He argues with everyone over his advice and his intelligence when Evil_toaster shows up, and DarqWolff fucking loses his fucking mind everywhere:
|I just got the first spontaneous nosebleed I've ever had in my life. Shut the fuck up right now before you actually send me into a psychotic rage and ruin my entire life. I can't fucking deal with you right now. Even if you're completely right, which you're fucking not, just be the bigger man and get the fuck out.
Chapter 8: The Ultimate Boon
Having undergone huge catharsis from the MLP schism, DarqWolff has become a better person. He understands himself better, and is thus rewarded by the universe.
DarqWolff posts to /r/Relationships[37] , asking “How do I stop having so much anxiety about my girlfriend?”[38] Oh god, has our hero finally lost his mind, and started dating Twilight Sparkles?
|We met online (haven't met in person, planning to) and were friends for a while before developing romantic feelings for each other.
Aww! But then DarqWolff asks /r/legaladvice[39] /“A 16-year-old and a 15-year-old living in different states attempting to get married. One of us likely can't get parental consent. Is there any way this could be possible?”[40] (link to SRD thread about this[41] )
This brings us to the present, but the story isn't over.
|I'll be happy to update on my loving, awesome, fairly perfect, invincible relationship with the most amazing girl on the planet.
The Future?
If Joseph Cambell[42] is correct, there must be a happy ending. DarqWolff will see the light, and must Cross the Return Threshold, returning from MLP to the normal Reddit population. There, he will be the Master of Two Worlds, and become a transcendental hero who will unite MLP and Reddit, bringing harmony to both.