Roommate's Memefiction

...I walk into the antique shop, not expecting to find anything interesting in it. However, I do come across the shopkeeper, who seems to be wearing that diving suit again. Now that I think about it,  I have never seen him without the suit on. He must be the silent type, because he never welcomed me or even said hello. He simply went to his back room: his latest catches he put in a fish bowl were a pink sea star and...a yellow kitchen sponge?

"nice", I thought to myself. I couldn't contain a smile. As I looked around, nothing seemed to be of interest except for this peculiar painting of a pirate in an orange coat. Upon closer inspection, I saw written on the lower left corner, "Painty". Suddenly, the painting spoke.

"Are ya ready, kids?"

I immediately stood back a bit, startled. "Must be a novelty prank", I thought. I amusingly replied, "aye, aye, captain". The pirate in the painting popped out of the picture frame as he came to life.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

This time I jumped. I was definitely not expecting this. I called to the shopkeeper in the back room. "Ocean Man?" He was only known by that name. He wasn't there. "He must be out diving again", I muttered. "Why would he have something like this for sale? To scare people?" I went back to "Painty", who was still awaiting an answer. Hesitantly, I replied again, "aye, aye, captain".

"Good." He then reaches out and grabs me. "In you go!" I started to panic and scream for help.

The shop, as well as the whole world seemed to disappear as the floor under me turned into a deep ocean. I struggled to break free, but it was no use. He was dragging me down to drown. Lower and lower into the depths I went as the pressure was slowly building up around me and I was losing oxygen. Everything was going dark, I was losing energy to fight back fast. I then thought this was the end for me.

But then, I hear a faint, muffled voice through the constant sound of air bubbles.

"Wwrrr, wwddr, wotrr."

The voice was getting closer. I couldn't see anything in the darkness, but I felt the the grip of the painting dissappear and another grip from someone else quickly take me back up to the surface, right when I was down to my last seconds of breath.

I open my eyes to see Ugly God, in a speed boat along with a couple of scantily clad women. He is rehearsing his song, "Water".

"You saved me?" He nods yes. "Thanks Ugly God!" He proceeds to write what I just said into a notepad, which seems to contain the lyrics to his song.

"How did you know I was drowning?"

"Okay, what?"

"You saw the painting, right? It somehow dragged me into this ocean."

"Goddamn, huh?"

"You saved me from a picture of a pirate who came to life."

"Okay, what?"

"The painting, you didn't see the painting?"

"Drip, splash."

"Are you listening to me?"

"..." He was silent for a few seconds. "Bitch, I'm balling like mike."

"What?" I asked.

"Bitch, I'm balling like mike."

"j..."

I then hear something up above.

"jam..."

It's getting closer...

"JAM!"

I see Charles Barkley falling from the sky at terminal velocity with a basketball in his hand. He is headed straight for Ugly God's boat. Then, I realised what is about to happen to my horror.

Barkley then performed a nuke-sized chaos dunk on the speedboat, the blast radius so large it killed us all.

Then I wake up in a cold sweat. Things are blurry, but slowly coming into view. There is a sharp pain in my leg and bandages all ogre me. It appears I'm in a hospital bed. I notice a nearby television on, showing a cartoon of a man making chocolate pudding at 4 in the morning.

"Ah, Mr. Stone, you're finally awake! Thank Siivagunner!" A girl with purple hair standing by notices me. She must be the nurse.

"Ugh, what happened?" I asked.

"Your grandad brought you here. You were in a coma for about seven weeks! I thought you'd never wake up!"

"Why? Why am I all patched up like this?"

"Oh, that. You were hit by...a spherical mecha or a robobot or something. It totally wasn't driven by me or anything!" She laughs nervously. "Well, bye!" The purple-haired girl quickly scurries off.

"Sigh..." I begin to watch TV. "What a nightmare that was." I begin to dose off. "Perhaps this next dream won't be so bad."

I then hear a voice inside my head.

"THIS STORY IS MINE!"

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