= Civilzation V =
Civlization V (Civ 5) cannot be reviewed without discussing its processor, Civlization IV (Civ 4), one of the best games of all time. Civ 4 is a brutally honest experience, one where nearly every twisted Game of Thrones style power play can be performed on your opponents, or performed on you. Recklessness is punished, cowardice even more so. To make it halfway through the game you must hatch insane drastic plans and hope you have not overlooked some fatal flaw in them. Your heart will pound and your nails will be bitten.
Compound this with Civ 4's history theme, which is no mere coat of paint. So brilliant is Civ 4's design that, midway through executing one of these aforementioned insane drastic plans, you will realize that the plan you are executing is a an analogue of some Real Thing That Happened In History. Then you'll realize that the board game pieces look quite a bit like the actual people involved in the analogous historical event, except they're Souix instead of British. Then you'll realize that you have inadvertently written your own Alternate History story, solely by being a human actor in this randomly generated world. You will want to call HBO and pitch your show.
The magic of Civilization IV all relies on the very high probability that you will get your ass kicked, for reasons you didn't even think of or get warned about (seriously, a list of Ways to Lose in Civ 4 would be the size of a phonebook). A large number of people didn't like this. They didn't just lack the strength of character to make themselves get better at the game. They lacked the strength of character to be happy that they lost for extremely interesting reasons. These pathetic Civ 4 hating BABIES got the privilege of being the star of unique Shakespearean tragedy, and all they could think to do was complain that they didn't win. Wah wah give me bottle!! I'll have you know that I have lost games of Civ 4 dozens of times, and won exactly twice. If I didn't lose all those games, maybe I would have gone through college without ever asking a girl out.
So yeah, the haters and the quitters, there were a lot of them, and as a result Civilization IV did not attain blockbuster success. Then focus group research led to some meetings, and some meetings lead to some changes in priorities, and some changes in priorities led to changes in management, and some changes in management led to Civilization IV's sequel, Civilization V.
Now onto what I think of Civilization V. I believe that Civilization V is an attempt to appease everyone who likes the idea of getting a Civilization experience like the ones they have heard about from Civ 4 players, but who cannot stand even the slightest blow to their ego. I believe it has no personality, it has no education value, it has corny addiction-oriented design, it says nothing interesting about history, it says nothing interesting about itself, it says nothing interesting about the person playing it, it doesn't let you make bad decisions, and it barely lets you make decisions at all. I believe that it's a cynical product which soothes you with it's white lies and tells you you're a winner. I believe that it's better to watch PewDiePie play it than to play it yourself. I believe that the Civilization Facebook game was significantly better. I believe that to play Civilization V is to forever yearn for substance. I believe it is Cookie Clicker with a pretense, and I despise it.
1/10