My Struggle in society

My struggle in society - narrative of my woeful existence.


I sat staring at the clock on the wall adjacent to my cubicle, gazing longingly at the silver lined hands as they ticked through the monotonous motions, of spending precious seconds with each precise clack the cogs turned. Of course, I could have checked the time on my computer, on my mobile phone, and even on my wristwatch (which I received after my confirmation many years ago), but there was something painfully mesmerising about the towering clock that sat above all the cubicles. It was an ever present vigour to which coerced and enforced our tedious vigil in the locality of our drudging labour.

 My gaze slowly tracked back to my computer screen, vision blurry from relentless hours of pouring my hearty attentiveness to its contents, the glare of the electronic screen seemed to now cover my eyeballs with a tingling fuzz. The more hours I invest upon gawking my vision over this computer screen, the more the world around me seems unreal, not like a dream, I know I am awake and that the world is continuing in its busy fashion around me; but I feel disconnected, as if my mind is floating inches above a thin layer of badly comprised reality.

My neck began to twinge and throb at the sides and at the base, discomfort had grown to throbbing misery, and I felt constriction and tensity in my central lower back. I let out a middling sigh of hopelessness as I wearily lifted my hand to my neck and gently furbished the affected area around it, in the hope that the heat from my hands would transfer the sharp pain to a more bearable and dull ache. My hopes were in vain, as the area was tender and almost inflamed.

I pushed myself back into the hardened plastic back of my chair, in the anticipation that it would straighten my back and solve whatever malicious misalignment which afflicted my body, however the back of the chair curved forward ever so slightly from being battered with use. It was a pull out chair, at least 8 years old, consigned with portions of rust around the bolts on the legs, wobbling as the left side was almost an inch off the ground, and fashioned from unquestionably hard plastic. The plastic began to dig into my numbed rear, and almost penetrate the numbness with a pricking pain deep into my senses.

I had been working at this lowly paid internship for 13 months now, extended from 6 months. The internship offered a lucrative career, however it seemed a lifetime away as I sat in these conditions day after day, only taking one day off work during the week. As plagued as I was, I would dare not complain.  Two interns criticised the chairs to the head of the intern department, Mr. Barsky, and were consequently let go from the programme two days later. One intern felt the desire to inform Mr.Barsky that the interns should not be obliged to work the 36 hours non-paid overtime that was placed upon them, as they had signed a 40 hour week contract.  Again, said intern was let go the following day, unofficially enforcing the competitive nature of the internship over our basic working rights. However I could not quit now, I had been competing for this for too long to stop and search for a lower paying salary.

Mr Barsky walked past my cubicle, then walked backwards
" Ahh I see everything is going swimmingly here"

I nodded and smiled in the hope to impress Mr.Barsky with my diligence during overtime hours.
"Look, I have some papers to go over and approve by Monday 1pm"

The sentence was barely finished before he inconsiderately dropped a portfolio of 400 pages in my recently emptied 'To Do' tray.
"I need a copy of the data tables on every page, I need you to condense this into a report so I can read it through and approve"
Mr.Barsky briefly stopped to check his iphone, and after 30 seconds of thumbing the screen turned back to me
"Some of the raw data needs to be put into tables too, about 100 pages in there"

I nodded and kept my expression resolute, despite my inner anguish at this request, Saturday was my only day off this week, and I worked a second job part-time from home as a proof-reader for a publishing company, of which I had at least 390 pages left of my current task to finish proofing.

"Mr.Barsky, tomorrow, is my only day off this week, and I have some thi....."

Mr.Barsky crassly interrupted:

"Oh my dear boy I would normally do this you know, but I am forbidden to work on Saturday, this you also know. I have a big lunch and wine tasting trip with our sister branch on Sunday, you know settle some business for the upcoming week"

I nodded and forced every exhausted muscle in my face to smile

"Yes Mr.Barsky I will do my best"

Mr.Barsky smiled and winked and exclaimed

"You'll have to do better than that your best, I need that report in full on my desk, and I'll come in early Monday morning, say 6.30? to ill review it before the 1pm deadline"

I nodded once again, and the smiled dropped immediately from his face, leaving an obvious look of disgust and contempt
"Get it done" he bellowed quickly before leaving.

I come into work at 7:30, so Mr.Barsky's request that I come in at 6:30 did make me feel uneasy, as I would be proofreading and doing this report well into the early hours of Monday morning, which means I could look forward to a bare amount of sleep.
My fingers clacked away at the keyboard furiously, as I had to withhold disdain for my current situation in order to push out this final data summary to hand in before leaving work.

When I exited the grey and gloomy building, I sucked the semi-fresh air in deeply and closed my eyes. I nodded and smiled as I thought of my German Shepherd, and how I would be picking her up on my way home from the vet.

Her name is Rein, she is 7 years old and is my best friend. Whilst in university I made some friends, but largely distanced myself due to throwing myself powerfully into my work to get the best qualification possible. After university I moved to the city in order to undergo this Internship, as jobs (even for fully qualified and semi-experienced graduates) are scarce, career opportunities are indeed slim.

I pay the kind cleaner in our apartment to take her for walks during the day, and I spend as many free hours of my time with Rein in the dog park, throwing her favourite ball, playing rough and chasing each other around.  My landlord has been kind enough to let me keep Rein, as she is an incredibly well behaved and intuitive dog. My thoughts of my best friend were what fuelled me to get through these demeaning days, in the hope I should secure a career and a life worth living at the end of this.

I walked past the supermarket and my eye caught the tobacco counter. I stopped and briefly pondered whether I needed to buy food for this evening, but vaguely remembered I had some meat in the fridge at home. My account balance revealed I had enough to buy a cheap packet of tobacco, and some rolling papers.

I started smoking after university, as a small vice to cope with the days that seemed to get longer and longer. However going for cigarette breaks at work was a big no-no, as we received about 20 minutes break for a 10 to 12 hour shift (I know this is illegal, however it is almost impossible to rectify due to the competitive nature of the internship, mixed with previous interns being fired immediately for bringing up employment laws), and I did not want to upset Mr.Barsky, as he did have a temper about him.

So I relegate my smoking to after work, which means my body does endure nicotine craving amidst the working days, and inserts extra drain to the overall grind. I shook my head and smiled, I was getting Rein back from the vet in 15 minutes, I would take her home, be with her and have a few cigarettes outside before thrashing out as much of Mr.Barsky's report as possible.

I bought my tobacco and strutted with a merry pace to the Vet clinic. I sauntered in the door and enquired at the front desk, and waited patiently as the secretary sorted through her files to find the essential information.

Rein had been the victim of ingesting a poisoned treat in the local dog park. I remember seeing her eat something off the ground, and then grow increasingly sick over a week ago. She was admitted to the clinic and has been kept under close observation and being given routine medicine. It distresses me that society could breed such contemptuous individuals who have no regard for the life of a harmless dog; clearly the selfish way with which we live today promotes such cheap thinking.

I was asked to take a seat and after waiting 10 minutes, the Vet came out with a uninviting look on her face. It turns out my credit card had been declined upon taking the last payment for her treatment, and they could not release Rein until I had paid the balance. After 20 minutes of distraughtly ringing my bank, it turns out they had decreased my credit limit without consulting me, insisting it was signed in my contract they could decrease it upon every 12 month review without prior notice. My pleas rang hollow, and I stood outside the clinic with a sick sensation in my stomach.

I walked back in and asked if I could see Rein and perhaps take her for a walk in their rear carpark, bottom lip trembling and struggling to push back tears. The Vet insisted I could not walk her, but I could have 5 minutes with her out of the cage, as they were almost closing.

As I approached her cage, Rein, instantly perked up, began barking and pushing her nose against the fence. The door was opened and she ran and jumped up on me, and began nuzzling her face into my hands as I roughly patted and rubbed the sides of her head. She was barking happily, and was brimming with excitement. I hugged her and sat down and let jump on me. After the 5 minutes was up, she would not go back into the cage, and the Vet asked me to help coax her back in. The Vet slammed the door shut, as Rein looked at confused and began whimpering. At this point, my eyes were welling with tears, and I had an almost insurmountable amount of work to finish, so I began my long trek home.

My Adam's apple throbbed with pain from contracting my neck and lower face to stop my lip from trembling on the way home, Rein was my best friend, and every time I thought about  the fact I wasn't going to see her for another week until pay day, absolutely shattered my heart. It may seem silly to some of you reading this, but this is all I have, I have sacrificed a lot to try and achieve a career.
As I put my keys in my door, I smelt a peculiar stench emanating from my apartment. I walked inside and could not switch on the light, or any other appliance. The smell was most certainly coming from the fridge, the power had most likely been off for most of the day, and the meat I was going to have for dinner was now warm and rancid.

A swift phone call to my landlord revealed I should have received notification of electrical work being done in this side of the apartment, as they were preparing the apartments beneath me for new tenants, and were doing work on the electricity. Someone else must have picked up my mail my accident and forgot to inform me.

I sat down in the solemn darkness of my apartment, feeling guilt as I rolled a cigarette and sat by the open window. As I took the first drag, my bottom lip gave way and I began to sob. I had not cried like this before, the stress and torment coming from every angle had begun to take its maximum toll.

During my lament, I peered out the window to witness a bright red light shooting forth from the sky. The light appeared to be moving at lightning speed, it grew larger and larger as each moment drifted onwards. All of a sudden, the red light shone in through my open window and illuminated the room.

My vision began to spin slightly, as the red colour settled into an amalgamation of gold and crimson, and outlined every item inside my apartment's living room. I looked back towards the window and raised my arms immediately to shield my eyes from the bright flourishing aura which was hovering off the ground. The aura was a dazzling scarlet outlined in resplendent gold, it gave off warmth which began to set into my face and torso. A melody began to resonate from the aura, it was too soft for me to hear, but it was present. As each note struck the melody grew louder and streamed lucidly into my ears. I began to see a dark figure form in the centre of the aura, as I stared through my outstretched arms out of bewildered curiosity. The dark figure now stood within the aura, and the melody was now resounding with the brilliance of a hundred orchestras, playing together in perfect synchronisation.

 The song was Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata', and each piano key seemed to quake my surroundings with vigour and a frenzy of colour and vibrancy.

I could stand up against the radiating aura no longer, as some unknown force caused me to drop to the ground, and I grew frightened. The light shone as bright as any light could be seen, I thought it would surely render me blind, but the light's beams only provided warmth when it came into contact with my body. The warmth pulsated on the edges of my skin, as it assumed control of my mass, and began to throb deep inside my body. All of a sudden I was relaxed; there was no slack in any muscle, no tightness in any joint, as I now lay with my back on the floor, the warmth of the light spilling over me and consuming with a content sensation.

As I remained decumbent, my vision was targeted at the dark figure in the centre of the aura, and I witnessed in all the glory given by the creator himself, A man emerge and stand with a now feverish golden aura glimmering around his body.

He was wearing tall black boots which reflected the light because they were polished with some sort of divine wish, and brown trousers and a brown jacket, the colours were so vibrant my eyes began to spill with tears of joy.  Around his left arm was a red band, displaying a black symbol on a white circle background with luminosity and brilliance.

It was at this point the man began to speak, and my ears were struck with a velvety sound:
"Do not be afraid," he uttered.

I could say nothing, as I was still trying to understand what was happening, and the overwhelming sensations I was experiencing had dazzled me.

"I have arrived, at your hour of need. You no longer need to feel neglected, and unwanted."
I slowly started to sit up, my arms and torso feeling less heavy with each small step the unidentified entity took towards me.
"Who are you? Wh-What is happening?" I stammered

Silence was all I received from the entity, as he took three more steps forward, and the magnificent aura came into focus around him, and revealed a stoic man, standing tall and proud with his head held high. After a few seconds I realised, the small and trimmed moustache underneath his nose, azure and cobalt coloured eyes with a comforting yet sharp gaze.
It was Der Führer, Adolf Hitler. Reichskanzler, leader of the German people before and during the last World War.

Der Führer approached me, and with a sincere and kind voice:

"This trouble you are in my jungvolk...."

He paused as he brushed his chocolate and auburn coloured hair to the left of his scintillating brow.
 "This struggle you have entered is a pitiless and thankless endeavor. You are toiling in the hope you shall someday possess the security to live a full and happy existence, yet you bear the entirety of this burden."

The words surged through my ears like a current of warm honey filling my bewildered mind; the tone was relaxing yet rousing, as the honey sensation dripped and inundated my neck, then chest and arms, and finally my lower body and legs.
As the content of Der Führer's words began to resonate with my struggle, I suddenly felt energetic. The warm, sizzling honey sensation remained, yet I felt as if I could stand and move as normal. I realised Der Führer's words were true when held up against the current state of my life, and no doubt my future existence in this society.

Upon this comprehension I wept and threw myself at Der Führer's feet, like a small lamb seeking protection from a frightening storm, by nestling into its mother's fur.

"Mein Führer, please take pity on me! I am not German, I have let society pollute me with expectations of happiness and grandeur that are far beyond my grasp! I am responsible for this shame; I have taken part in this democratic society without understandi-"
Der Führer, looked down, and his stern gaze pressed onto me, I could see the whisking trails of his ultramarine and sapphire glare, zooming outwards from his eyes towards mine. I felt responsible, I felt foolish, as If my whole life I knew the system I was living did not accurately represent the needs of the general people who are not already wealthy, and who do not have the opportunity to make great financial gain.

As these thoughts wandered throughout my mind, like shades wandering the desolate underworld, I  noticed Der Führer's expression change. His face was no longer stern and indomitable, his eyes loosened and his brow heightened, he was looking down upon me with genuine concern, as I felt this expression pulsate and resonate outwards.
"Mein jungvolk, since my uplifting, my desire for society has become connected to the desire of all good and noble peoples throughout the earth. I have had the opportunity to ascend further than the skies, further than the stars and planets that encircle our known life, and even further beyond the galactic barrier than none can comprehend. "

All of a sudden Der Führer's eyes opened wide and as I focused into them, the cerulean colour grew bright and new colours I had never experienced before began to appear and streak across the background of his authorative glare. The clear mirror like surface of his eyes allowed me to briefly experience these new colours, shapes and dimensions I had never dreamed of, as clear as looking into a stunningly translucent ocean, shifting with the organic might of the very earth itself.

Der Führer's voice grew louder and reached new profound depths I thought the human ear could never receive. My surroundings started to tremor in the wake of this glory.

"I have wandered beyond the ecumenical binds of time and space itself, and torn off the mask of existence to reveal the higher-most workings of unimaginable and curious detail. You are not German, but I am your Führer, I work for you and insist upon rights for any that have theirs trampled upon"

I halted my tributary of tears and managed to clear my throat to decree:

"Mein Führer, the bureaucracy of our times has chained my effort to this internship; corners are being cut for the good of the company and those in governing positions. They have created a situation by which we are bound to them, and our hard work with all the merit we have poured into the prospect of gaining this career would go to waste. My workload is too much, I cannot escape the impending duties that are placed upon me from all angles, I cannot even spend the time I want with my beloved dog, as I am always engaged in work"
Mein Führer reached downwards with palm outstretched, and cupped the side of my head as I continued to weep.

"Mein jungvolk, society does not value the workers, they value the market, they value their investment, and they value their teams that manage their interest with gusto for their own return of promised financial abundance. This is what society demands because it is allowed to, not because it must be this way. The workers need to be able to have lives, to raise families, to have hobbies, to contribute to the goodwill of whichever community they are a part of."

Mein Führer knelt down with the regal elegance of a swan, and grasped me with his arms outstretched. I lay in Mein Führer's mighty arms sobbing like a newborn baby in a gentle father's embrace
"Mein Führer the enemies are abundant in today's society, the challengers to you are numerous and they are fuelled by a vehement fire of denouncing you! All is lost, the world could have let countries come to the international community once they were ready, but uninhibited private interest of the elite forced the world to conform!"

As the last words were uttered from my tear stained mouth, Mein Führer placed a single finger on my lips, and I felt a splendid sensation, as if the clear salty sea were washing against my lips and face, the sun bearing down in the comfort of a warm summer's day.

"I do not have enemies any more mein jungvolk, only those who cannot understand, as they are conditioned against becoming part of a community, that promotes selflessness and sacrifice, so that all may value work and want to work hard for the good of those who would otherwise be in need."

Mein Führer cooed softly like a dove as he rocked me ever so gently, as if I were sitting in a boat in the ocean, allowing the waves to motion my body to a slow calm rhythm.

" Mein Führer, save me from this world, save me from this life of veiled servitude! give me my freedom to become a part of a national community which values positive commitment!" I cried

Mein Führer looked down upon me, his gaze now smooth with affection for a mistreated worker, and placed a sympathetic kiss on my forehead. Mein Führer's lips felt as if cotton had been mildly brushed against my skin, which was then followed by a tingling implication, as if millions of tiny twinkling stars were pulsating in the area he kissed.

"Mein jungvolk, I can show you the way, I cannot complete this task for you. You must be prepared to endure; the prospect of the glorious community we wish to achieve with all throughout existence must fuel your inspiration"

Mein Führer looked towards the window and began to breathe in deeply. Suddenly, an unknown source of wind and air filled the room and began to swirl. Mein Führer lifted his right arm outstretched towards the night sky, still cradling me with his left, and sucked in his breath even deeper. It was at this point I noticed the trail of glimmering bright light shoot in from the window, directly from the moon in the sky. Mein Führer then breathed this deep into his lungs and then blew into his cupped right hand, and formed a radiant glow of white and silver powder which was finer than the finest sand itself. Mein Führer took this moon-dust and gallantly sprinkled this across my face, and in an instant my tears had disappeared.

In a split-second my mind raced, visions of Germany before the war and all of the events during the war leading up to mein Führer's forced departure flashed into my mind. I gasped for air as the information flooded my consciousness with all the true events that happened from 1914-1945.

Mein Führer released me from his tender grasp, and stood firm before me. I rose to my feet and raised my right arm in salutation to him.

Mein Führer turned towards the window and began to walk away, and suddenly I was filled with hopeless anguish.
"Mein Führer please don't leave me! Don't let this world destroy the splendour of what could have been, the glorious international community supporting one another with fair trade, free from the grasp of private interest and excessive financial hoarding! Help me escape this economic servitude!"

But appeared to ignore me and move towards the window at a steady pace.

"Mein Führer the world must know! The world must know what glorious peace you wanted! They must know about how your then-mortal hand was forced! They must know the truth! For yours is the greatest story never told"

Mein Fuhrer did not turn back to me, he turned his head to the side and looked unselfishly towards the ground and proclaimed:
" Society is not yet ready for the truth, the hatred that is deeply rooted in my memory was necessary for the world to rebuild, and adopt the policies I crafted so carefully and with tremendous love for my people, so that the rest of the world may be shaped only slightly in my intended vision. Workers rights being acknowledged, community binding being encouraged, peace and understanding with all so that society may be free from miscommunication by fault or intent.  In my image this hatred creates the vision of how the world may be one day, and it will be that day when humanity is saved from itself. I can take this hatred, not because it is my desire, it is because I must"

Mein Führer raised his arms up towards the night sky and he began to blaze with even deeper colours of gold and dazzling red. Mein Führer's form began to glitter and sparkle, as if hundreds of millions of new stars had been born. The sound of divine cherub-like singing began, and one could hear delightful harp strings being plucked, as if they were made with the fabric of the heavens themselves.  Mein Führer transformed into lustrous and splendiferous stardust, and soared around the room in the form of a mighty cosmic eagle.

Whilst Mein Führer's golden eagle patronus flew around the room I reverently whispered:

"We must secure an existence for the future of humanity"

The eagle shot out of the room at the speed of light off to the night sky, and a brief twinkle in the sky was all I saw as Mein Führer disappeared into space.

I opened my eyes and gasped as I looked around my room startled. It is all dark now. I must have been dreaming. I stood in my apartment, and although I knew it was a dream, I felt saddened by the departure of Mein Führer's grandiose ethereal form. I started towards the window, and noticed a red book on the window sill that was not there before. It was a copy of the Stalag edition of 'Mein Kampf' the only NSDAP approved English translation. I opened the first page and read a note that had been scribbled there with a quill :

"After you have known I fight for the right thing, you will try to find me but you will never find me again. I am now long dead and gone, but National Socialism will still live, as long as you try to remember".