Ok so it's like actually midnight and I have had a very monumental day since like, IRL stuff I basically planned out the next year and and half of my life and as such I'm very tired and like excited, hopefully, confused and like spooked. I want to just leave this confessional with something that I've had on my mind for a bit. In Ecuador, I made it a priority to be at social events while rounds were happening and as such, I realize that maybe I sacrificed my skill in that game for IRL friendship. this game it's the opposite. I have been down in this study basement every night like clockwork to be here and do my best to win this game. In the process, I could tell you like five of my friends who are having a good time without me and it's only going to get worse if I keep on doing these Orgs. I'm glad that this game is almost over because for as much fun as I'm having here, I'm slowly losing my friends that I made last semester simply because my life has become, Wake up -> Class -> study -> Org -> Sleep. And y'know sometimes this is fun and all, but it's really starting to hit me that I need to prioritize myself before anything else, not just in orgs, but also in real life. Am I happy with where I am in life? Do I feel like I'm going through the motions? What am I doing to make myself enjoy every single day? It's uncertainty of the future while also maintainging hope. I think if anything I' scared. I've never really had many true best friends in life and like, I feel like I'm already losing the ones I made in my dorm. I cna't let that happen. I know it's just one night though and I'm sure I cn makethis up some how. I mean I'm lucky enough to have SO whois completely supportive of me and these games and like I'm forever thankful that I'met them because they make me really ahppy and everything, but like, ugh. I just. I don't know what I'm doing with myself or my life or anyhting. I just want to go travel. I don't know. When bae came last weekend with the car, I was like "What if we just took off driving right here,right now?" I've always wanted to do something like that and just see where I end up. But I digress, I feel like I'm in a weird place in my life wher eI'm really not sure of anything because nothing is at all solid or concrete or anything. I don't know who I am other than I' m me, a Nuclear Engineering student who is planning on minoring in MAth and will be traveling abroad to Japan in the Fall of 2018. but even that It's like truly stable or anything. Augh I dunno. I'm so unsure of everything and scared for my future and everything. I'm so sorry I'm subjecting you to my inner fears and emotions and everything,but it's the only way I'm going to be able to feel better about anything when I go to sleep tonight. I feel alone and I'm scared Iguss is the main thing I ahve a problem with keep ing firends and that's my own fault and everything. the worst part is I don't even know why I'm like this sometimes. Like, I'm jsut so nervous and scared about thefuture and everything and like I dunno. It jsut feels like a weird ride and I'm never not stopping. I jsut man I wish that I had a best friend. Someone who is =my best friend sna dI'm their best friend. Like it it's one of the reasons in Orgs I feel like I have to altch onto someone because IRL i do' think I'eever had someone who's like my true best friend or anyting and it's like. It;s tough, it's really tough. You dom'nnee dto read this and I'm debating even deleting all of this before anything, but I guess we'll see. II should go to sleep though. I have class tomorrow. Good night[/spoiler]