diary

Sometimes when I lay awake at night I cannot help but remember the past. I dwell on it and obsess over it and think about it constantly. just weird snippets.

Like I remember in the late 1980s there was a trend of wearing Batman tshirts and all the kids were wearing them. The shirts were all black and the designs were mostly shades of grey and purple and yellow. The artwork all looked like it had been done by the same artist. I remember going into a Millers Outpost and they had a whole wall of those Batman shirts, all with different designs. There was this one kid at school who everyone used to call Batman because he had like ten of those shirts so all he ever wore were Batman shirts.

I remember there was a VHS video rental store just down the street from my house, in the 1980s. They used to get all kinds of free posters, cardboard standups and other promo items that they would throw away in their back dumpster. So me and my friends would dumpster dive back there and sometimes would find cool stuff. One time I found this poster for some cheesy Charles Bronson movie that had this super hot Asian chick who was barely dressed. I put that poster on my wall and it was my favorite for years. I would fall asleep looking at it.

Speaking of posters. When I was a kid in the 1970's I had this felt blacklight poster of a huge tarantula with all kinds of lightning and psychodelic craziness on it. That poater was awesome. I have since tried to find it on eBay and the like, but with no luck.

In that same bedroom I had wood panelling on the walls and pseudo-jesus used to look at me dissaprovingly through the knot holes in the wood. I had an episode of Omni magazine that had a story that talked about a girl being assaulted and it was actually kind of hot and I think pseudo-jesus dissaproved of that.

We had brown carpeting in some rooms, I pretended that was dirt, blue carpeting in other rooms was water and the crazy patterned vinyl tile in the kitchen was composed of automated clockwork razors that would grab you and cut you to shreds if you stepped on it.

One time a guy at my dads work cut off his fingers and some of his fingers got baked into bread. They threw that bread away. But I always wondered if maybe some dumpster diver got ahold of that bread and started eating it and found the fingers in it. He probably would have freaked the fuck out but if he told anyone about it then I am sure nobody would believe him, him being homeless and eating out of garbage bins and all.

I used to lie a lot. Well into adulthood I would lie. Not even about stuff that was all that important. Just about stuff that would support the narrative mythology that I had created for my life. Like I was into the punk scene in the 1980's but I used to lie and tell people I was into punk in the 1970's when it started. I got my first computer in the 1980s and I would mess around with it when I got bored. But I created this mythology that I was this total geek hacker kid in the 80's always dialing into BBS's and phreaking and shit.

But I don't lie like that anymore. Honesty really is the best policy. And my True life has been weird and messed up enough that there really isnt any reason to lie about it other than too cover up some of the truly bad stuff. But even then I dont necessarily need to lie about it. I just need to not talk about it.

One thing that I often find myself thinking about is just how absolutely similar my current life is to my childhood. When I was in my teens/twenties I was a totally different person. But I think that throughout my thirties I gradually morphed back into that same scared, awkward, dorky, introverted screwup that I was at age twelve. It is odd but it somehow feels like how it should be. The things I did in my teens/twenties seem like another person.