tfw no bounty hunter gf

>pay someone 20,000 credits to commit some harmless minor crime that doesn't hurt anyone, but is still annoying enough to be illegal
>then, put a 20,000 credit bounty on his head
>pay him an additional 20,000 credits to avoid every bounty hunter except Zam Wessel
>when she catches him and brings him to you, you pay the 20,000 credit bounty to her
>essentially just paid 60,000 credits just to orchestrate 5 minutes of interaction with Zam, them time for her to drive up, take her credits, and leave
>worth

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>your bounty hunter gf's newest target is embedded with a Hutt for protection
>they signed on as an "advisor" but really they're just a thug
>have to somehow get into the palace to get to him
>brainstorming ideas
>she comes up with the classic "a new dancer for the hutt is secretly an infiltrator"
>ok sure, that works great. She's really hot, and she's really agile, and she could easily pass for a fancy dancer
>"well, that's the thing. I have to focus on identifying the target. I was hoping you would be the decoy"
>she holds up a gold bikini outfit and smiles devilishly at you
>10 minutes later, after many protests, you find yourself wearing a very breezy golden bikini with purple loincloth. "How cute", you think to yourself sarcastically, "her favorite color".
>getting ready to head to Nar Shadaa to start the mission
>ask her why you had to change now, and not when we get there
>"In-flight entertainment of course." she says with another grin, "You're going to practice dancing. We want it to be convincing, right?"
>the entire way to Nar Shadaa, you try to dance sexy for her
>between her giggling, she does offer some advice, and by the end of the trip you feel confident in being able to fool a lazy-eyed hutt
>get to the palace, she disappears as soon as you get there, leaving you alone to talk your way in
>Gamorrean at the door puts a hand up and grunts, his intent clear
>he pushes a button, and a Twi'lek majordomo pops his head out of the door
>"yes, yes. Come in! Hurry, we are behind schedule! His Eminence and Paragon of Girth Kedda The Hutt grows impatient!"
>you're ushered into a large audience room, the smoke clouding your senses but not enough to mask the unmistakable form and smell of a Hutt
>"Boodoo chikwa at tashi no gondo?"
>"ah, yes, Your Excellence" you say with a bow, and begin to dance
>you start off just emulating what you've seen other dancers do, you've seen plenty of holos of dancers
>you think you're doing pretty well, considering your inexperience, but the majordomo's brow is furrowed and the Hutt already looks sleepy
>you decide to mix it up a bit, and start incorporating some of the moves you've seen Zam pull when you guys were running from rooftop to rooftop escaping from CorSec last summer
>the jumps and twists and twirls you add in to your routine get the Hutt's eyes open again, and he starts clapping his mitts together and bubbling
>this goes on for what feels like forever, your calves aching and your breathing heavy
>surely Zam must be almost finished, you can only hope
>but just as this thought crosses your mind, so catch a glimpse of a purple suit seated among the onlookers
>no, don't tell me
>yup, it's her. Sitting and relaxing, watching you dance. As if it was a relaxing day at the theater
>a bit of annoyance wells up in you, but it's drowned out by your aching calves
>the extra attention the Hutt paid to you quickly tuckers him out, and the sound of his steady snoring fills the room
>you take a bow, and head backstage
>once backstage, you head around to the side, Zam is already there to meet you
>"I thought we had a mission here?! Why were you just watching?! Where's your target?!"
>"Oh that's all taken care of. Yeah, he just sort of agreed to surrender once I showed up in his room. I guess he figured no one could make it into the palace"
>"ok so why didn't you signal me that were good to go?!"
>"well, I was enjoying the show, of course"
>not sure whether you're more embarrassed or annoyed, you decide to sort it out later, and you follow her to your ship
>when you get on board, you move to your gear to start putting your clothes back on, but she puts a hand on your arm
>"there's one more part of the mission"
>"and what would that be?"
>"in-flight entertainment for the journey back, of course" she says with another of the grins that you've come to fear


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>make a routine stop for fuel and supplies during a journey to Nar Shadaa
>buying some nerf jerky from a street stand for you and your bounty hunter gf while she refuels the ship
>suddenly, Hutt enforcers jump out of the alley and start beating you up
>she taught you a lot, so you get a few of them pretty good, but there's just so many of them
>fall over in the rain, vision blurring as you are knocked unconscious
>wake up in a hutt palace dungeon
>get beat up and shocked like Han Solo on cloud city a bunch while they keep demanding where Zam is
>apparently, you've been targeted to get info about her
>she must have pissed off a Hutt
>you kind of wish she would have warned you this might happen, but here we are
>endure all the beatings and zapping, never give them a scrap of information about her, despite their efforts
>they give up and just toss you in the back to die
>a few days later, you hear some yelling and an explosion, followed by blaster fire
>dumb hutts, always in-fighting
>but the baster fire is getting closer, the sound begins to echo through the prison it is so close
>then, you hardly believe your eyes
>it's her
>she runs up to your cell and shoots the door mechanism so the door opens because this is star wars
>she grabs your hand and starts leading you out
>you escape to the ship, and fly away
>you ask her what that was all about
>she asks if you told them anything
>you say of course not
>she asks again, and says it's really important she knows how much they know so she can act accordingly
>tell her again that you told them nothing
>say that every time you almost told them something, to stop getting beat up and zapped, you just thought of her and that helped you get through it
>she sees the scars and burns and bruises all over your body from the torture
>she says "I love you..."
>you say "I know"

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>she wants to spice things up
>you have 10,000 credits and a day's head start to hide anywhere in the galaxy
>if she finds you in 5 days, she gets to do whatever she wants with you
>if you successfully hide, other way around
>you secretly let her win by bribing a bunch of airport guards and stuff to tell her where you went but to act like they're not going to tell her
>she catches you and treats you like any other bounty, stun cuffs and thrown in the back of the ship and everything
>when you get home, best sex ever

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>she puts on a pretty human female face when you have sex, thinking that is what you want to see
>tell her no, that you want to see her face
>the face of the woman you love
>she will never be so touched that she briefly genuinely smiles before remembering her snarky smart ass persona and makes some one-liner joke at your expense

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>bounty hunter gf says she has something serious to talk about
>sits you down at your ship's pazaak table and is quiet for a second, before speaking
>"I think we have our toughest mission together ahead of us"
>"well I'm ready! What is it? We've beaten Hutts and criminals and CorSec and everyone else we've come across. How bad could it be?"
>"Worse than those I'm afraid" she says, looking sideways at the door
>"no way it's worse than when that Hutt sent his pet rancor after us, and we escaped by jumping in the sewer..."
>"worse"
>"what then?"
>"my parents want to meet you..."
>"oh..can't we fight another rancor or something instead?"

>a day later, you find yourself on the world of Zolan
>at the entrance of a estate, Zam takes one final moment to remind you of a few things
>"remember, I'm an archeologist, and my money comes from museum grants. We met when we were working together on a dig site. We're happily married"
>"some day we will be happily married"
>"yeah, maybe someday. It's cute you keep asking"
>you are cut off by two Clawdites coming out of the home and greeting you
>"Zammie! It's so nice to see you again! It's been a few years!"
>apparently, this is Zam's mother
>"yeah, you know, work...."
>"And you must be the human we've heard so much about! How wonderful to meet you finally!"
>you extend your hand to shake theirs
>even though you knew it was coming, the cold leathery skin Clawdites have is always jarring after being used to shaking hands with other mammals for most of your life
>"Oh! Such warm hands! no wonder Zammie likes you so much!"
>"Mom...."
>You had sort of picked up on this already, however
>Naturally, you being a warm blooded mammal must be an added luxury of cuddling with you for your reptilian partner

>as you enter the home, you pass by a bevy of scanners and what looks like medical equipment
>"oh, don't mind those, you get to skip all of that"
>you had heard about this, when you started reading about Clawdites, given your relationship with one
>apparently, when dealing with each other, Clawdites will take DNA samples to verify each other's identity, even among friends and family
>even in informal settings like bars and clubs, Clawdites will often wear ID cards that display their actual identities
>given their racial capabilities, you suppose this is reasonable, but you're glad you don't have to deal with that
>it may seem paranoid to an outsider, but you suppose it's just normal for them. Their society had to develop somehow, and being a race of shapeshifters, there is bound to be some concessions to that

>dinner is uneventful
>Zam recounts many stories of exciting times in the archeology business; of rare finds and noteworthy expeditions
>All false, of course
>when asked how you two met, you manage to give a very detailed and very sappy story about there being a cave collapse, and the two of you being stuck in some old caverns together, and finding your way out together, and overcoming various obstacles like old security systems and ancient defenders of the vault and all that
>a riveting tale, and surely one that would have been fun, had it happened

>as the evening winds down, Zam announces that the two of you have a lot to do tomorrow, and should take your leave
>as you are approaching your ship, you mention that it felt like a successful mission
>"I suppose so. I suppose it doesn't really matter, I feel bad for not telling them what I do, but they would just worry"
>wow. The sarcastic bounty hunter with the facade of never really caring about anything does care about something
>"so you DO care about something!" you say, jokingly
>"don't push your luck Nerf herder"
>and with that, you enter the ship and begin planning your next daring adventure


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>bounty hunter gf gets an assassination contract
>you tell her not to take it
>you guys aren't murderers
>the people you catch are all criminals, you're basically just more selfish police as far as you're concerned
>she says the money is too good
>turning this down would be foolish
>besides, it wouldn't be that much different than a normal job, you just shoot them instead
>she sounds like she's trying to convince herself as much as you
>tell her that if she goes, it will be without your help
>"aww, don't be that way"
>she nudges you with her elbow
>"What would I do without my suuuuper smart slicer watching over me! You keep me so safe hacking security and making sure I can do my job!"
>"stop..."
>"I wouldn't even know where to start looking to hire a temp! You're the best! No one could replace you!"
>her flattery is transparent, but that doesn't mean it's ineffective.
>You *are* the best, after all
>"fine, I'll come along, for you, but I still don't like it"

>during the trip to tatooine, you go over the mission
>"so, who's the target?"
>"a real dirtbag. The contract said don't even bother bringing him in alive, they just want him gone. A price for "alive" wasn't even listed and the bounty will only be paid with proof of death"
>"grim. So what'd he do to deserve that?"
>"well, the bounty is from a local Hutt. A young upstart named Jabba who is at war with other crime syndicates for control of the planet."
>"Why doesn't he just take care of this himself?"
>"he wants to send a message, He wants it plastered all over the place, and people running around chasing him. Makes it less likely people offend him in the future. Which also gives us a shot at making a reputation for ourselves, since it's such a public case"
>"ok, sure. But what did he actually do to piss off a hutt?"
>"apparently a dancer ended up dead after a night with him. And he had enough cases of being abusive towards them, that his defense against the accusations was short lived"
>"But before you get any ideas about Hutts being noble and looking out for their employees, don't. It's all about profit. People don't like dead bodies. It makes gamblers and socialites nervous, and when gamblers and socialites are nervous, their purse strings tighten. Jabba would kill his dancers for fun before helping them or freeing them. But even he sees how this situation is affecting his profits."
>"Makes sense I guess. I don't like this, but at least he's a scumbag"
>"Don't worry, everything will go great. It always does" she says with a half grin
>Your plans rarely go well.
>Your career is built on improvisation and intuition, not careful planning.
>Sometimes you wonder if she even remembers things like you do