The Reflect Project transcripts

Transcription of letters from the Reflect Project, a project by Trent Bell that asks convicts to write letters to their younger selves, as shown in this blog post: http://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/145/Convicts-Write-Letters-To-Their-Past-Selves-You-Have-To-See-What-They-Wrote . Paragraphs have been added to make them easier to read in this transcribed format and in some cases a few minor spelling corrections made to, I hope, more accurately reflect the intended style of their authors. In all other ways, the following transcript contains the letters as they were written to the best of my ability to transcribe them.

* * * * *

Brandon,

It hurts to be sitting here writing you this letter. Our journey has been tough, it has been filled with pain, tears, and heart ache; I made a lot of mistakes. I write this letter now in order to caution you of what may lie on the road ahead if you don't open your eyes, and also to tell you what has become important in life as a result of where I have been.

The year is 2013, and you have been in prison for four years now. The specifics of how and why aren't what's important right now, there's a bigger picture. You got here because of ignorance, because of a mind set, and because you were trying to be someone you are not. Just know that people will always try and test you, and no matter what you think, only a real man can walk away. Anyone can fight, the weakest people can fight. Anyone can act or react with violence, but a <b><u>REAL MAN</u></b> can turn the other cheek and walk away.

Things are going to happen that will make you bitter with those closest to you; you have to be the bigger person and confront your problems, talk them out. Express yourself. Don't run away from your problems.

No matter what happens your family loves you unconditionally. They will be there when you need them most and you least expect it. They will always pick you up when you fall. Love them and help them at every opportunity, they deserve it. Don't be afraid to love, and when you do, love completely. Being young is no excuse, if you love someone show and prove it. Do the right thing now so you won't look back and wish you had done better, or done more. Watch the company you keep, your true friends deserve the world.

Dedicate yourself to things that are worthwhile. Do something positive each day. Always have courage, "with courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassion, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity." (Keshavan Nair). No matter what, always love yourself.

Sincerely,
YOU

* * * * *

Dear Pete,

It's great to be able to talk to you, I'm 55 years old now, and living in prison for the past six years. Let me tell ya kid, it's no way to live. A lot of the things you're going to do are good, a few of them are really stupid. If you think something might be a bad idea, believe it! Don't do it. If you think you feel the Lord in your life, believe it! You will receive many blessings, many signs of what you should do. Keep your eyes open wide and pay attention, do what is right, and you won't need to go to prison. God loves you, live by His word.

Pete

* * * * *

If I could write a letter to me I would start by telling myself that life isn't always beautiful. Sometimes it will knock you down, but the struggles make you stronger and the changes will make you wise. Make sure you always respect your parents, even if you think you are in the right, and always tell them how much you love them. You can never tell them enough and you never really know how much time you have together. Make sure you stay in school even if you struggle that diploma is more important then you think not just to yourself but also to your children and parents. When you got to that high school get together and have a few drinks make sure not to get into any vehicles because it doesn't turn out good for anyone. Never try to fit in too much because a lot of times you will try to be someone you are not and it will lead to many mistakes. When you meet the love of your life, you will know when you do. Make sure you marry her and spend every minute making her happy. Never take time for granted you never know when you could lose it all. If it was meant to be than everything will work out. Just don't give up. If you were to take anything from this letter I hope this is it, Never lose the person you really are because it may be to late by the time you find yourself again. I hope this letter finds you well.

* * * * *

Dear Younger Self,                             Year of 2013

Hey Kid! Do you know who this is? It's YOU at the age of "31" years and speaking to you from your future that wasn't destined. It sounds strange but listen up this is "news you can use"! I think we really need to have this heart-to-heart conversation for your sake to prevent you from ending up with a 29 year prison sentence as projected. The penitentiary is a place you grew up fearing similarly to the graveyard because it was always referenced for the sole purpose to scare you. Well you believe <u>me</u> don't you? It is not where you want to be! Ever! why? It is emasculating, full of suffering, restrictive, populated with the worse people, there's no females, you have no true friends, your family can only visit or write you, the food is subpar, and you will diminish as a person unconsciously if you don't guard your mind, heart, and psyche.

I want to deter you from traveling a destructive path that endly will lead you to disaster and ultimate self destruction. Don't you enjoy your freedom... making your own choices... eating what you like...going wherever you want, etc.?! In a mere moment you could react without thinking properly and jeopardize all those liberties. There's a beautiful world you will one day want to travel and fully explore that's filled with interesting people and meaningful opportunities. Of course, I am aware of your great potential, natural talents, and attributes that are hardly unnoticeable despite your adolescence; but you're reckless, stubborn, and negatively influenced by your peers and environment to the point you foolishly reject wisdom, warning, and valuable guidance.

Nobody is so smart they have all the answers to Life's lessons Geoffrey.. "A smart man learns from his own mistakes but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others." Learning things the hard way is sometimes best but not usually the best way, it comes with a price that's damaging. Your inability to think beyond the present will prove to be detrimental eventually-think before you act or react... some actions or words spoken you'll regret and can't take back!

It's important that you understand the importance of the morals, principles, and integrity instilled in you by your parents and embrace them. Furthermore, it is imperative you learn to love those that love you and learn to use great measure in discernment. Carefully judge the character of the people you surround yourself with (especially women), "They can hurt you the most"! It's common that the things people like the most can end up becoming vices, unhealthy habit or negative altogether. For instance you are passionately drawn to beautiful women, money, and recreational drug use, and gambling at your age <u>already</u>. This is a recipe for a problematic future. They say, "there's nothing new under the sun", which relates to the fact those specific things have been around and part of humankind forever! They have also brought countless men to their demise. So do you want to be great or forgotten?!

You are gradually evolving into a "man", which by definition consists of an extensive list of elements-integrity, character, self-reliance, strength, morals, and principles-soon you'll truly understand. You love your mother right? Before anything else she is first a woman. In honor of her treat women accordingly reflective of how she raised you to be- respectful, mannerable, compassionate, and understanding. Never compromise your standards, future, or 'freedom' by reacting without thinking. Be slow to anger and remain in your character. Avoid violence. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship because we are all only "Perfectly imperfect" at best.

Love and hate can't relate so never hurt the people you care about. You will surely make numerous mistakes and have regrets and so will everyone around you, so don't be judgmental or critical of others. You must be willing to forgive those that ask or deserve forgiveness in order to be forgiven yourself. This will always be challenging because hurt, betrayal, and disrespect are all strong emotions with lingering effects. Be strong and persevere in the event of adversity. Believe and you will achieve as long as you put God, your family, and good health first. Be smart!

From me
to you,
yourself

* * * * *

William,
Looking back on how my life has turned out I want to give a little insight about how my decisions have impacted myself and the people around me. When you turn sixteen years old your parents get a divorce and this forces you to take on an unfamiliar role as a parent as well as an older sibling. You quit school to work full time and you will do the honorable thing. You will help support your younger siblings by buying them food and providing them with clothes. Not only will you sacrifice your schooling but your free time as well. You will be there at sporting events and all school activities.

As the summer season comes to a close and your job ends things will once again be very hard. The thought will run through your mind for an opportunity to come up with another way to get money. Please think twice before you turn to stealing from a guy who ripped off your brother. This is a fork in the road and I have choosen the wrong way. I choose to steal this guy's stuff and got caught. I received six months in jail and from there had a hard time finding work after that. There is always another choice and you must find it. I have spent most of my life behind bars and you are worth much more than that.

* * * * *

Jamie,
There so much that has gone on in my life. So many mistake have been made. Jail, drugs, stealing, and lying to those who trusted me. The only good think that has ever happen was the day my daughters were born. Even with them we made bad decision. Why couldn't we have done the right things in life. Dropping out of school, thinking we knew it all was a real big mistake. people who said they were friend were only influences. We allowed them to get into our head. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, we knew better when we done wrong but done it anyway. We can't blame no one but ourself. Is it here in this jail and says Jamie, how could we have been so stupid to commit another crime after getting such a break 2 month prior. I just shake my head. We are better than this. Being incarcerated is not a place people should want to be. Jamie you need to get yourself together. There is still so much life to live. I stand in front of my mirror and drift off to the days when we played little league baseball. We had so much fun. Or when we cuddled our kids. We chose a path that in life was wrong. 20yrs all but 10 is a very long time but we will get through it. Doing what we have done in life is not what I would want to see anyone go through. Life is far from over Jamie. The mistakes we made in the past are the mistakes we will learn from. I say this now and I say it tomorrow, "Don't do what I did."

* * * * *

Dear Bob,

In the first few months after graduation in '64 you allowed three job opportunities to slip through your fingers. Any of them had the potential to be a career, most noteably a career in the Canadian R.C.M.P. equivalent to the F.B.I. here in the U.S.A. It took you coming to prison and having time to reflect on your past to make you realize just how good you had it as an only child living in the country on a 150 acre farm. You were not smart enough to appreciate all the good things you had in life till it was far too late. You lived for tomorrow not for today.

As you started hanging with the wrong crowd, namely a cousin 7 years older. He'd take me along with his friends on overnight salmon fishing trips. Liquor was always present and wanting to feel like you fit in your drinking began. You looked up to your cousin like a big brother, which turned out to be a poor choice on your part. I rarely spent time with anyone who didn't drink.

It took another 10 years for your life to start spiraling out of control. Driving 18 wheelers and the bright lights of Montreal dazzled you. Booze, drugs and all nite parties made trucking and home life a living hell. You sabotaged 2 marriages and as a result I'm here doing 55 years.

After 27 years in here I now know when choosing friends whether it be family or others be careful of those choices. Do we have similar goals in life with them? We let drinking and drugs shatter our dreams and our potential future.

* * * * *

A letter to the younger me -
Hello. This is the older, future you. I want to reach out to you & hopefully help save you from becoming me-a veteran of the prison system for over 20 years. If you pay attention to me & consider my advice, you just might avoid this particular future, & maybe you will decide to create something special with you life.

First things first, accept the fact that you are special. You were born that way. Be yourself and you will attract good people to you. When you try to be different, in order to fit in, you will lose more and more of your true identity. Always recognize that you need to be a friend to yourself first.

Also know that your family loves you and will always love you. Don't over-analyze their love or compare it with the love of other families. They do the best they can with the tools that they have. Love them back without expectations and without condition, and the bonds will remain strong.

Finally, no matter what negative experiences you suffer, they <u>do</u> <u>not</u> have to define you. You have the power of choice... always. Be quick to smile, slow to anger, and treat all people with the respect they deserve. That is how you will avoid becoming me.

Robert
Payzant

* * * * *

Dear Adolescent Self,

You may not believe me - but please listen - your innocence and virtue is a precious commodity, do not recklessly squander with carelessness.

Respect others without giving away your own empowerment.

Follow through on your healthy passions and find your flames of inquiry. Find ways to be inspired without sacrificing your integrity and self-worth.

Be humble with others; see them as precious stewards of a borrowed vessel with an adopted lens of perspective. Another's faith is their foundation their crutch - and should not be something to dismantle, demolish, or posture against.

The best attitude is gratitude - practice this in every moment, every environment, and with every breath - this attitude will protect and guide you.

Always question everything, and constantly develop your mind. However, stand up and defend for injustice - namely your own. Allow yourself to believe in your dreams without giving up to peer pressure or insecurities.

Recognize the universals and be respectful of them - they mean everything do not take opinions too seriously.

Every decision you make affects everyone around you most importantly your own future. Think first, test it with your heart, and create.

Silence the critiques by ignoring them and work torwads manifesting your highest potentials.

Surround yourself with positive influences and guard yourself from those that do not yet share this practice remain vigilant on your own path without living out others' perils for them.

Cherish friendships and most importantly your family which will always be family. Take opportunities to learn from your elders and adopt their wisdom.

Give back often and frequently.

Allow yourself moments to grow and mature daily.

Remain a clean vessel without intoxicants or pollutants as the world is a challenge enough without burdening your future potential with such hindrances. Free yourself of the hideous burden that such substances have shown to inevitably swallow your spirit, chafe your willpower and subsequent ability to fulfill childhood dreams and adolescent goals from maturing into nurtured human potential.

Life is a precious gift-do not dwell on the past. Laugh often and keep moving forward-experience contentment.

Love
Your
Body
and trust its wisdom

In Light,
Kaihlil
Nigro

* * * * *

Dear wes,

I'm reaching out to you today and I pray that the words of my heart are encouraging enough to keep you from making bad choices that could change your life forever. Spending your life in prison is no fun at all. You lose your freedom and people in time forget where you are. It becomes a lonely world in a very short time. There is so much more to life than drugs and alcohol and the life of crime doesn't pay. Wes I have seen and done it all and 20 plus years later I'm still in prison paying for bad choices I made in life.

Don't be like I was. You can be better than me and avoid the prison systems. You have the opportunity to succeed in life if you follow your parents' advice. I was a runaway and rebelled against everything I was told to do. Tough love is what it's all about and when we think we can do things on our own that's when we fail. You don't want to grow up behind prison walls throwing your life away as I did. You have choices in life and if you reach out to people that really love and care about you I promise you won't be a failure as I was.

I made many bad choices and always ask myself the questions what if. 1) What if I had stayed in school. 2) What if I had of chose better friends? 3) What if I had of said no to booze and drugs. 4) What if I had of listed to my parents. Oh how I could have lived a better life and avoided prison. You get that chance being a young boy with your whole life ahead of you. Ask yourself what is it you want for your life? What makes you happy? Whatever that happiness may be, I promise you it's much better than being locked up in prison a world filled with loneliness and darkness from being away from family and loved ones.

Wes, I believe in you, so many people do, you just have to believe in yourself. You can do whatever you set your heart to. Don't follow my footsteps for I promise you it's no life you want to live. My advice to you would be to stay in school and follow your dreams. Everything else will take care of itself.

Wesley
Knight
7-10-13