cyberPunzel: Crack is a hell of a drug

“Elsa hasn’t been online in a week, Eugene. It’s really weird!” Rapunzel huffed, once again finding herself at the coffee shop with a rather worn-down looking Eugene.

“And Anna… Anna’s been weird too. She hasn’t called or texted me in… Eugene, are you even listening?” Rapunzel said, moving the cup that was blocking Eugene’s face. Eugene only snored in response, his cheek taking on the imprint of the iron table screen.

“Eugene!” Rapunzel whined, shoving the table to wake up her boyfriend.

“Whu? Izza Earthquake?!” Eugene mumbled, scrambling and looking around in a daze before focusing on Rapunzel’s pouting face.

“Sorry. It’s just me.” Rapunzel said, crossing her arms. Eugene sighed, rubbing his eyes and sitting up straighter. “Am I boring you, Eugene?”

“Honestly, a bit, goldie. Why do we have to keep talking about those two, anyway?” Eugene yawned, but Rapunzel could hear the irritation in his voice.

“Why? Why? Isn’t it obvious, Eugene?” Rapunzel began, but she only drew a blank look from the man. “Well, if you must know, it’s because…” Rapunzel said, pausing a bit as she tried thinking up of a reason. “It’s… it’s because… oh god… why do I talk about them too much?” her voice quavered with realization.

Eugene’s annoyed stare switched to a look of confusion as dark clouds began to form over Rapunzel’s usually sunny face.

“All last week… and the week before that. My life revolves around them!” Rapunzel moaned, burying her face in her palms.

“Whoa, calm down, blondie. I was just saying that…” Eugene began, but Rapunzel cut him off again with another wailing proclamation.

“It’s just Elsa… and Anna. Elsa and Anna. Elsa and Anna. All the thoughts running through my head. Elsa and Anna! ElsaandAnna! ELSANDANNA! ELSANNA!” Rapunzel said, reaching across the table and clutching at Eugene’s wrists.

“Okay, so maybe you’ve been a little bit concerned about…” Eugene tried to say, but it was impossible to get a word in edgewise as Rapunzel continued her manic rant.

“I’ve… I’ve been drawing them, Eugene. At first it was just to make sure Anna wouldn’t get too suspicious about me telling her I make art out of the both of them. A bust of Elsa here, a silhouette of Anna there. Some of them a little risqué, some of them all… all sketchy and in grey tones like Elsa does.” Rapunzel said in rapid fire, only pausing to bite her knuckle as more and more memories came pouring through. Even Eugene started to realize just how far things were escalating as Rapunzel’s chest began to rise and fall swiftly, taking in short but deep breaths.

“But then I… I start putting them in costumes in my drawings! I made Elsa Superman and Anna Lois Lane! And I made Elsa into a crossdresser! And… and I put Elsa on the Iron Throne and Anna was just around her naked. Elsa saving Anna from Smaug! And I had this weird one with swirls and Elsa hypnotizing… And… and oh god… my theories…” Rapunzel’s voice shrank as she drew back from clutching at Eugene’s sleeves.

“The theories. Right before I go to bed. Whenever I see the both of them. I just analyze everything! When they say chocolate at the same time. When they look at each other for more than a second. When they hug! WHENEVER THEY BARELY TOUCH EACH OTHER!” Rapunzel said, and it was starting to border outright shouting as other patrons began to steal quick glances and mumble to themselves.

“I get it Rapunzel. Let’s you and me take this…” Eugene said, trying to soothe Rapunzel away, but the petite girl just stood up from her seat in a jolt.

“I’M SHIPPING THEM, EUGENE! I AM A DIRTY, ROTTEN, DA-TRAWLING, FANFIC WRITING, HEADCANON MAKING SHIPPER!” She screamed, her hands grabbing hold of fistfuls of Eugene’s hair as she bawled. Eugene could only sit back, his hands gripping the armrests for dear life as Rapunzel had her meltdown.

“Okay. Whew, glad I got that out of my system.” Rapunzel said, standing up straight amidst the shocked café patrons and her speechless boyfriend.

“Hmm… actually, nope. Not at all. Eugene, I’m going to faint now. Try to catch me, alright?” Rapunzel said, smiling sweetly.

“Wait, are you seri…” Eugene said carefully, before Rapunzel swooned and fell forward. Only years of living on his toes gave Eugene the reflexes to catch the girl. Eugene leapt up, looping his arm around Rapunzel’s waist and turning her just in time before her head hit the pavement, and he held her like a ballroom dancer caught in dipping his partner. There was actually a small smattering of applause from the audience as Eugene gave a small smile and scooped up Rapunzel in his arms.

“Well, that was some meltdown…” Eugene thought “… but what do boats have to do with Anna and Elsa?”