The Dark Type comments
Chapter 1:
People don’t like dark types despite them being completely normal in every aspect? Is the society in this story objectively wrong to make the protagonist seem like a Nice Guy? Iruni liking dark types from the get-go gives up an interesting opportunity to have the protagonist struggle to overcome his own learned prejudices against them when he meets the titular character. Not necessarily wrong, but “society dislikes X, but protagonist loves X” is what I consider an early warning sign for a Mary Sue. It gets worse when later on someone says something negative about X and the character gets irrationally upset about it and begins grandstanding.

The encounter with the Gyarados made the protagonist seem suicidally stupid. There hasn’t been any comment on pokemon durability up to this point, but I assume that that a Dratini relying on an everstone to prevent evolution would fare better in this fight than a human. The Gyarados’s internal dialogue seemed to indicate the little rock had somehow been painful enough, surely the Dratini could have managed something. Regardless,  both of them running away, even if he let Azula go first would have been the common sense choice. This situation feels like another set up to make the protagonist seem like a Nice Guy.

“...strafe left around the lake to gain better ground” - Should he maybe be running away from the lake? I feel like “better ground” would really be any ground away from the water that has a lake monster in it.

“Bartholomew Iruni Thomas, but I like going by my middle name,” -  Full name introduction? It’s almost like he’s introducing himself to the audience instead of this person.

“Think nothing of it, my boy. And not to be rude, but my name would only complicate both of our lives if you knew it, believe me.” - I can’t read this without imagining the guy tipping down his fedora to cover his eyes as he says it. Maybe with a trench coat billowing in the wind.

“If I had to guess, it might be because in his mind, I think he thought what he was doing was right. Good and evil are only two sides of the same coin, matters of perspective, really…Well, enough of this dark talk. What’s your name son?” - I bet this guy's Giovanni.

“...would prove unsatisfactory.”  - “Unsatisfactory” means “not good enough”, not “bad”.

The would-be rescue party arrives together despite all of them being at different places: the sister at the store, the father at the bank, the gym leader I assume at the gym, the Houndour at the house, the Persian at the house (but missing?), and the Dratini that needed to be taken out for a walk but can find its way home and communicate the situation on its own just fine. I imagine Dratini sign language looks like a snake having a seizure. “What’s that Lassy? Timmy is being attacked by Gyarados at the lake? And he decided stay and dodge hyper beams while you came to tell us? Well...God gives and Darwin takes away.”

“He decided to keep that part secret unless they asked specifically” - What? Why? I can see how the conversation wouldn’t be worth mentioning to people who were only concerned for his safety, but there was nothing about that conversation that implied it should be kept secret.

“‘It seems odd that he would leave so quickly… and he hid his name…’ Pryce seemed to have more on his mind, but he didn’t push the matter.” - The gym leader is suspicious of the guy who saved a kid and then moved on? I would expect something more along the lines of “Wish I could have met him.”

Chapter 2:
Are they making the crippled kid do the cooking and the cleaning? Shouldn’t he be on bed-rest with his laundry list of broken and fractured bits? His sister is even calling him Gimpy, so she must realize this. Certainly the overprotective father should have something to say on the matter.

Having balls made specifically to allow psychic communication is interesting. Haven’t seen it done before.
An 18,000 degree space heater would melt a lot more than snow, like the people standing within twenty feet of it for example.
It took him and his tracking hound an hour to find a screeching Sneasel trapped under a tree that had just fallen, both of which were close enough to be heard from his house? Right.

“I can’t stand this. Karros, let’s go, but don’t rush over. I won’t cause her more pain.” - I get it, he’s nice and wants to help. Anyone would, you don’t need to reassure me that he’s a Nice Guy by having having him try to convince his dog that he feels bad for an injured forest critter or having the narration describe how near tears he is at seeing something that would not get the same response from most people with normal levels of empathy.

“It’s not as if anyone’s around to see anyway…” and “I could get in a lot of trouble in anyone from the League saw this” are both implying/saying the same things (typo in the second quote: “in” should be “if”). No need to restate. In the same vein of spoon-feeding information, I’ve also noticed that there’s generally a lot of telling going on in the story. We should be seeing things as they happen without relying the protagonist’s or narrator’s personal interpretation as much as possible, so when the Sneasel is injured and concerned about being left, we should see it described in such a way that the reader can figure out that it’s concerned without the narrator telling us its actions mean “Are you sure?”.

Another example: “It’s alright, don’t pull back; you’ll just do more damage that way. She’s just scared, that’s all. Show her you mean no harm. Let her see I’m only here to help. Just relax your hand and let her have her way.” This is all internal, but a reader could infer the same info if it just said that he held his ground or didn’t pull back and endured the bite.

Back to the “I could get in a lot of trouble” line, is there really no emergency clause for this HM rule? Why should someone lose their license just because they used one of the most useful survival moves to help out in a dangerous situation?

“letting loose an enormous Flamethrower and clearing a path for a hundred yards” - That’s literally the length of a football field. If a flamethrower can go that far without  hitting a tree, they’re definitely not in a place worth calling a forest.

“Yes, what seems to be the— Oh my lord!” - Nothing described in this scene would phase anybody, let alone a vetted nurse. A boy and a dog, covered in snow and panting - probably from trying to get out of the blizzard - and a bundle of something.

Protagonist passing out as he reaches the center is super cliche. “Lucky you brought her here when you did” is super cliche.

Does the pokemon center really not have spare balls lying around in case someone brings in an injured wild one? They could just catch the Sneasel and heal it immediately instead of leaving it to suffer a shattered leg.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. . . I didn’t mean to offend.” - I’ve never known a nurse who would kowtow to a self-righteous teenager who refuses take a simple compliment for what it is.  Luckily our hero - the defender of maligned dark types that he is - graciously decided to “let it slide”. In my first comment I mentioned that someone would say something negative about our protagonist's X and he would get irrationally defensive. Here it is already in chapter 2.

“My Houndour bit my hand through my glove to save me from falling on my broken shoulder.” - Good idea, lie about something meaningless that the nurse would understand completely. Disregard the fact that the nurse would be able to tell easily from the shape of the bite wound, which even the protagonist made note of, being circular and therefore nothing like a canine’s bite.

“‘Ask a Pokémon whether they wanted to be captured?’ The nurse laughed.” - Nobody in the history of pokemon training realized you could ask? That they had basic intelligence and would join you if they liked you? Or it’s so uncommon that the nurse thinks it’s absurd but our protagonist has no problem doing it twice because he’s some sort of paragon of Nice Guyness? Sure.

“Mr. Thomas, you’re in no condition to head back out into that weather!” - Listen to the nurse kid, she tolerated your shitty attitude and took care of you. I can understand a teenager preferring to sneak back home in fear of getting in some sort of trouble, but is his father really so unreasonable that a simple “heard something screaming - went to help it - saved a life - can you come pick me up?” wouldn’t calm him down? Otherwise, how was he planning on explaining that he got a new injury and a Sneasel between bed and morning?

Chapter 3:
The voice asked even though the answer didn’t matter and the main character would forget? Weird dream sequences never seem to work out for anyone.

Chapter 4:
This chapter begins with the stunning reveal that he didn’t think at all about how he would keep the Sneasel while hiding the fact that he left the night before.

“Iruni should have remembered that Espeon could read the thoughts of humans.“ - Yeah, he really should have. How could he possibly forget when it seems like this is the type of thing she does to him frequently for fun. If you were just trying to inform the reader that she could do this, it would have been better to just let readers infer it from the things she knew and the Iruni’s response to that.

“Ruby leapt up to Iruni’s uninjured shoulder” - Just how small is an Espeon?

“perhaps annoyed he made so little of an impression” - As he should be. He did all the work and his trainer gets the girl?

Fedora man is Giovanni. Called it.

“it was clear from his mere presence that he could easily wipe them out without much effort.” - What? Red’s shonen emo-ness is so powerful that that Honchkrow can just tell he could defeat them? Just because he looks confident and cocky while looking away from them or something?

So Kate had her Espeon puppeteer her brother for half an hour before bringing him into her room to interrogate him? That’s not cool. That’s actually horrible and disturbing. I don’t see any reason why he shouldn’t have been able to fill her in if she had asked normally, but after that I would withhold the truth on principle alone. Kate's a bad person and a worse sister.

Good thing Kate is here to tell us about how severe the wound is. If only there were some medical professional to treat the injury and advise him on its care before he got home, oh wait…

“ I can’t believe you were running around with a wound this deep! You could’ve passed out in the snow and bled to death!” - I had to delete this bit before when it turned out he fainted from seeing blood, but here it is: hand injuries do not tend to gush blood. There’s a relatively low amount of blood flow in the area, and a feline bite would likewise cause relatively low bleeding. A single bite would not cause enough bleeding to make him pass out, let alone die.

Getting a dream eater TM for an Espeon that makes a habit of screwing with him psychically? Genius. I'm guessing these two are supposed to have some sort of vitriolic friendship dynamic, but honestly it seems like his sister's pet cat just abuses him with her encouragement.

Going to locations indicated in cryptic text messages is probably a bad idea. If a mugger had stepped out of the fog, beaten him up, stole his card, and emptied his bank account, then he at least would have learned a lesson. Oh well. Why would Lance want to meet this nobody? I hope it's not related to the his high school research paper being groundbreaking enough to be handed off to professor Oak and then getting him added to the list of people to cryptically message. I have serious doubts about the scientific value of a high school report.

Chapter 5 apparently:

There have been way too many "catch the other characters up" moments.

"Recognized authority on dark types" - Just how big was this paper? Did he write a full thesis on dark types for a high school class? What is it about his paper that gives him advantage in terms of training promise over an actual talented up and coming trainer?

“Do try and follow HM regulations next time you feel the need to move anything large and heavy.” - The fucking pokemon NSA is real.

So the champion came to him and told him authorities all over think he has enough potential to join a secret project that involves gathering together trainers of great potential. Is there really anything to think about? He doesn't know anything negative about the operation. It honestly sounds like a dream come true for any trainer-to-be.

He wants her to dream eater him to learn about a dream he doesn't remember from a couple days ago? That's a really dumb thing to ask for and this is really contrived. Why is he so certain he dreamed something? In chapter 4 he said he couldn't remember if he dreamed at all and now he's saying he's sure he did.

Apparently Kate is really casual about Lance stopping by to talk to her brother?

I don't think any cut that you can casually bandage at home results in pooling blood on the floor. He didn't even bother asking the nurse to look at it.

I guess I was right about sensitive the protagonist is given his overreaction to simple facts about life and death in the wild for Sneasel.

This chapter reflects a little better on Iruni and Ruby's relationship.