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Brains, grains, and automobiles (by DictatorAnon)

Dec 23rd, 2013
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  2.  
  3. >Be Anon
  4. >Portal between worlds has been opened, but you're the only one there right now because you're a test subject
  5. >By this point, Celestia is comfortable with human products being transported in
  6. >Of all the things humanity has to offer, from vaccines to computers to military technology, one thing has caught Equestria's attention and adoration above all things
  7. >Cars
  8. >Sure, their trains are just as fast (sometimes even faster) than human cars, but something that propels you as quickly and more comfortably than a train without using other ponies for motion was a simply astonishing technology
  9. >The ease of customization was also a boon to ponies, as there is a car to suit whatever needs you may have
  10. >However, you warned Princess Celestia of the impending dangers of air pollution and other strains this would have on the environment
  11. >But Celestia already had a plan for that
  12. >Thanks to the same magical horsefuckery used in trains, every car sold and used in Equestria has a catalytic converter full of crystals that neutralize all byproducts and release water vapor
  13. >And the cars can, by that same horsefuckery, be converted to run on household refuse
  14. >After the environmental issues were hashed out, regulation was next
  15. >Licenses were mandatory for automobile operators, drunk driving laws, etc.
  16. >Over time, the Mane 6 got used to the idea of owning a car
  17. >Applejack got a Ford F-150 for hauling around apples and cider
  18. >Fluttershy got a Toyota Prius V for carrying food and small woodland creatures while reducing her fuel expenditures
  19. >Pinkie Pie got a Mazda Speed3, because it was fast and had a smile on its face, which made her smile
  20. >Rarity, of course, went for a Ferrari F12 Berlinetta because it was as elegant as it was swift
  21. >And Rainbow Dash didn't have a car because not only did she live in a cloud but she was the fastest pegasus alive (But she did like the look and speed of the Koenigsegg Agera R)
  22. >Twilight didn't have a car yet, but that was for one very crucial reason
  23. >She couldn't pass the driving test
  24. >She knew what she had to do to pass, but she was so uncoordinated when she was behind the wheel
  25. >7 tries, 7 fails
  26. >By the 7th time, she was so crushed that she refused to leave her house, but she didn't tell anyone that, as they were all too busy enjoying their newfound rides
  27. -------------------
  28. >"Anon, I'm concerned about Twilight. No one has seen her and she hasn't been responding to my letters." Celestia said with restrained worry
  29. "Yeah, and I hear her library's been closed for a week straight now." You said with equal concern, but less hidden.
  30. >"Which is why I want you to go and reach out to her. If you find her there, send me a letter at once. If not, then you know what to do next." Celestia said with much gravity as she looked out a balcony upon her kingdom
  31. "It's like you read my mind. I'm on it, Ma'am!" You yelled with conviction as you ran down the hall and to where your Nissan GT-R was parked.
  32. >Seatbelt, ignition, gear selected, and you were off in a cloud of dust
  33. -------------------
  34. >In the now empty library, a single alicorn was crying in her bed, words muffled by the pillow she was face-down in
  35. >"I can't believe I failed something so easy!" Twilight screamed into the wall of down feathers
  36. >She flipped herself on her back, revealing her tear-soaked face and messed-up mane
  37. >"Everyone else has a license and I'm stuck here with no car! Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie, even Fluttershy has one!" She yelled in frustrated sadness while flailing her forehooves madly
  38. >At this realization, she blew her nose, tossed the used tissue in the pile surrounding her bed, and continued sobbing
  39. -------------------
  40. >Pulling up to the library, you can already sense something is amiss
  41. >You pull up next to the library, put it in park, and step out, rubbing your back
  42. "Note to self: Stiff suspension and dirt roads don't mix. What I wouldn't do for some paved road." You say, regretting picking the street-ready Godzilla for this run.
  43. >You knock on the door
  44. >No response
  45. >You go to open the door
  46. >It's locked
  47. "Looks like it's time for a little human muscle!" You say as you prepare to barge through the door
  48. >Ramming speed!
  49. >Your shoulder begins to ache, but you felt the door give way a little
  50. >You try again
  51. >And again
  52. >And again
  53. >And again
  54. >You make enough of a crack in the door to get your head in
  55. >Books are strewn all over the floor, barely any are left on the shelves
  56. >Either she was having a mental breakdown or she's been kidnapped
  57. >The thought of either gave you a sudden boost of adrenaline, enough to get you through the door
  58. >You listen intently
  59. >Muffled sobbing can be heard from upstairs
  60. "Twilight? Are you there?" You call out cautiously
  61. >No response, but the sobbing is still audible
  62. >You decide to head up the stairs, trekking your way over the masses of books all over the floor
  63. >You stop and listen at the door
  64. >Sobbing intensifies
  65. >You could knock on the door, wait for a response, and then walk in
  66. >But that would be too easy
  67. >Clearing a path, you go back to the bottom of the stairwell, lead with your good shoulder, and once more engage ramming speed
  68. >This time the door gives way immediately and your momentum causes you to fall forward into one of the piles of snot-filled tissues
  69. >Twilight screams in surprise
  70. >"A-anon! W-what are you doing here?"
  71. "I feel violated." You say disgustedly as you pick yourself up and dust yourself off
  72. >You get a good look at Twilight as you get up
  73. >Runny nose, red and puffy eyes, tear-drenched face, and a heavily distorted mane
  74. >A big, hot mess
  75. >You decided that it'd be best if Twilight tidied herself up first, it'd help her calm down and make her feel less miserable
  76. >You waited in her bedroom as she showered, inspecting what can be seen past the mounds of tissues
  77. >Several driving self-help books were seen, some were wet with tears, others were ripped to shreds
  78. 'If this is because of what I think it is, then she's being incredibly silly' you thought to yourself
  79. >You decided you'd help tidy up her place a bit, starting with the bed
  80. >Just as you finished, the door to the bathroom opened in a cloud of mist
  81. >She looked much better, and to some extent, relieved
  82. "So, what's all the ruckus about? Her highness having issues driving?" You inquire in a caring way as you invite her to have a seat on the bed
  83. >You could see she was trying very hard to suppress her tears
  84. >"It looked so easy, Anon. Every one of my friends have their licenses and are out driving around town (In Pinkie's case, literally in circles), and here I am with no license!" Twilight said, clearly frustrated by the situation
  85. >"I don't get it, Anon. I. Just. Don't. GET IT!"
  86. >She stomped her hooves angrily
  87. "Simmer down, Twi, or you'll be crashing through the floor. So what is it you're having trouble with? Shifting gears? Parallel parking? What?"
  88. >"That's just it: I don't know! It's as if the car knows not to cooperate with me as soon as I get in!"
  89. >The alicorn gave a deep sigh
  90. >"How does everypony do it, Anon?"
  91. >You gave a light chuckle
  92. "Driving doesn't come easy to everyone, trust me. I couldn't count the number of times I ruined my gearbox because I was so shit at gear changes. Thankfully, my dad showed me how to do it right before I ruined another transmission." You say wistfully, reminiscing your days on Earth
  93. >You can see that this cheered her up, but she was still visibly upset
  94. "Tell you what, why don't I teach you how to drive? I'd say I'm a damn good driver."
  95. >She was opening her mouth to object, but you stopped her mid-breath
  96. "And before you go about bringing up the interspecies differences, remember that we've worked through that issue before" you say to her with a wink
  97. >She looks away to hide her blush, but you know she got the point
  98. >You lead the way out of her room and down the stairs, only to have to take the express route thanks to a misplaced book
  99. >You hear a small giggle at your expense
  100. "Oh yeah, where's Spike? Isn't it his job to clean all this shit up?"
  101. >Twilight looked down at the floor, clearly downtrodden
  102. "Ah, ok."
  103. >Smooth, Anon, real smooth.
  104. "How about we clean all this up first and then head out?"
  105. >Her face, and her horn, lit up at the chance to sort her books
  106. "Hold it!" You exclaim, index finger outstretched
  107. >She gave a small yelp and dropped a pile of books she was levitating
  108. "Since we don't have all day, I'm afraid you'll have to just shove books in every available crevice. I can't stand to see this failure of yours gnawing away at you for long."
  109. >You kneel down to her and put a hand on her shoulder
  110. "It pains me as much as it hurts you, believe me." You reassure her.
  111. >She gives you a warm embrace with her forehooves and finished with a quick peck on the cheek
  112. >"Good point, Anon. I'll sort these later. Could you get my car keys while I sort these?"
  113. "Sure, where are they?"
  114. >She points to a small table with a small drawer in it near the door
  115. >"It's in the little drawer there."
  116. >You sprang into action, making a beeline for the little table
  117. >You open up the little drawer and take out the keys inside
  118. >On one of the keys was a rounded square with a large "H" inscribed in it
  119. 'I have a bad feeling about this. A REALLY bad feeling'
  120. >"Ok, let's go!" Twilight said, walking towards you and the door
  121. >You follow her to behind the treehouse where you see what she used for her practice runs
  122. >You scream out of sheer horror at the mere sight of it
  123. >It was a 1995 Honda Civic
  124. >The paint was absolutely ruined
  125. >Rust
  126. >Rust everywhere
  127. >Several pieces of trim were missing
  128. >Only one stock wheel cover remained, the rest were gone
  129. >You were absolutely seething with rage at this point
  130. "Who the fuck let you ride around in this rust bucket?!?"
  131. >"Well, they said this brand was known for its reliability." Twilight said sheepishly
  132. >Reliability my ass
  133. "Who are 'they'?"
  134. >"The salesponies at the used car dealership in Ponyville"
  135. >You were going to have a "word" with those fools after you've taught Twily how to control these metal mammoths
  136. "Stay here, I want to test this thing."
  137. >You approach the car with some trepidation
  138. >The car door unlocks and opens without incident
  139. >You open the hood
  140. >The engine is a brand new Honda VTEC, to which someone had fitted an aftermarket turbocharger to
  141. >The intercooler was also a custom job
  142. "I...what...WHY."
  143. >Fuck it
  144. >You decided to start it up
  145. >BRRRAP BRAP BRAP
  146. >Oh god, please, anything but a ricer
  147. >You beckon Twilight over to the car
  148. "Did you buy it like this?"
  149. >"They told me it went as fast as Rarity's car!" Twilight said incredulously
  150. >There are no words that are capable of describing your rage right now
  151. "Well, if I'm going to teach you, I don't want to be caught in this thing."
  152. >You exit the car and go towards yours
  153. >"Anon? Where are you going?"
  154. "I'll be back in a second."
  155. >You back your car behind hers and secure a tow line from your car to hers
  156. "Now, where can we train you?"
  157. >"There's a clearing in the Everfree Forest we can go to."
  158. "Cool, get in my car and show me the way."
  159. -------------------
  160. >You two arrive at the clearing after getting a bit lost in the forest
  161. >You didn't care, as long as you had fuel in your tank and that she was with you, safe and sound
  162. >You unfastened the tow line and parked your car in a shady spot
  163. "All right, let's see what's what." You say, getting into her car
  164. >She gets in, immediately losing any good feeling she had before
  165. "Start her up." You instructed
  166. >She put the key into the slot with her hoof and twisted it until it was in the starting position
  167. "All right, now foot, err hoof, on the clutch and shift into first."
  168. >She depressed the clutch pedal and used a forehoofhoof to switch into first, putting her hindhoof on the brake
  169. >"Ok, now what?"
  170. "Press on the gas pedal, VERY GENTLY."
  171. >She did so, lifting up off the brake pedal and pushing down lightly on the gas pedal
  172. >The car began with its BRAPS, but gently
  173. >They began getting louder as the car gained momentum
  174. "All right, so far, so good. Now make a right turn."
  175. >She put on the right turn indicator, slowed down and initiated the turn
  176. >Mid-turn, her hoof slipped and she stomped on the gas pedal
  177. >BRAPS intensified
  178. >The car's tail end came out and began spinning in a circle, forming donuts
  179. "OH GOD, TWILIGHT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?"
  180. >"WHOOOOOOOOA!" Was the only response that could be offered
  181. "TWILIGHT! TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE GAS!" You yelled as you held on to the panic grips for dear life
  182. >She complied, but out of fear smashed the brake pedal
  183. >The car stopped looping around, only to have the passenger side come off the ground
  184. >The car was now diagonal
  185. >Springing into action, you grabbed the steering wheel, turning it in the direction of the lean
  186. >This brought the car down with a thud and to a stop
  187. >You undo the seatbelt as quickly as you can and practically leap out of the car
  188. >You notice Twilight is still in the driver's seat, petrified as if turned to stone at the sudden turn of events
  189. >You rush over to her side, open her door, undo her seatbelt, and get her out of there
  190. "Holy shit! Are you okay, Twilight?" You ask with alarm
  191. >She responds by breaking down, sobbing profusely
  192. >"It happens every time I set hoof in that infernal contraption!" She managed between sobs
  193. >You embrace Twilight, patting her on the back
  194. "There, there, Twi. I'm sure you're not at fault."
  195. >"How would you know? I'm probably Equestria's worst driver." Twilight said, obviously troubled by what had just occured
  196. >You gave her a determined look
  197. "I KNOW you're a great driver. In fact, I'm willing to risk something important to me to that end."
  198. >You get up and walk to her car
  199. >"A-anon?"
  200. >You take it and park it in another shady spot next to your car
  201. >You get out of her's and get into yours
  202. >The engine comes to life and purrs idly
  203. 'Finally, back to a real engine.' You thought, relieved to be relieved of that incessant farting sound
  204. >You drive it to the same spot where you first drove that accursed Honda to
  205. >You step out, keeping the door open and the engine running
  206. "All right, Twilight. I'm so sure that you're a good driver that I'm staking my own car on it."
  207. >She looks at you with an expression of shock
  208. >"B-but Anon, what if it happens again?" She blubbered
  209. "Nonsense! Those idiots sold you a car that you weren't able to control and they knew it. Come on, I'll show you you're more than ready."
  210. >You beckon her into the driver's seat, close her door, and get in the passenger's side
  211. "All right, same as before. Put your hoof on the clutch and shift into first."
  212. >She did so
  213. "Now, ease onto the gas."
  214. >Very carefully, she applied the throttle
  215. >The car's purring began to grow louder as the car began speeding up
  216. "All right, now make a right turn." You say with cautious optimism
  217. >Again, she slows down, puts on the indicator, and begins to turn
  218. >No slipping this time
  219. >You breathed a sign of relief
  220. >You look over to see that she is just as relieved
  221. "Now..."
  222. >You keep making impromptu directions for her to follow, keeping her on her feet
  223. >She's doing quite well
  224. >After about two hours of this, you tell her to park the car where you left it
  225. >She backed it into the spot, put it into neutral, and engaged the parking brake
  226. "See? I told you you can do it."
  227. >She responded by embracing you with both her wings and her forehooves
  228. >"Thank you so much, Anon! I couldn't have done it without you." She said, tears of joy running down her cheek
  229. "Aw, it was no big deal."
  230. >"But wait, what are we going to do about my car?
  231. >You look over at the rust heap sitting next to you with absolute disgust
  232. "Don't worry, I'll handle it." You said, repressing your anger as strongly as possible
  233. >For now, you just secured the tow hitch to her car, switched places, and drove off to her house
  234. -------------------
  235. >You stop in front of her treehouse
  236. "All right, Twilight, get some rest. You'll need it for tomorrow. I got you a spot at the DMV tomorrow morning. I want you looking sharp for your driving test tomorrow."
  237. >She never looked more eager to get to sleep
  238. >"Ok, I'll go to bed right away! Oh, and Anon?"
  239. "Hm?"
  240. >You were surprised with a passionate kiss on the lips from the lavender mare
  241. >"Thanks again for what you did today. I couldn't muster the strength to ask for help."
  242. "It's fine, Twi. It happens to us all. Now go get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow morning."
  243. >"All right. Goodnight, Anon."
  244. >And with that, she got out of the car and into her house
  245. >You waited until the lights to her room were out before you drove off
  246. "Hmm, something's been bothering me all day."
  247. >Instead of taking the left to go home, you went to the right
  248. >You drove up to a large periwinkle and pink building
  249. >The Carousel Boutique
  250. >You park your car at the side of the building, being sure not to bump Twilight's car into yours, which was still in tow
  251. >You see that the lights are still on, so you knock on the door
  252. >An ivory unicorn answered the door
  253. >"Anon, darling! What a fabulous surprise! Do come in." Rarity said with welcome surprise
  254. >You obliged her and entered, having a seat on the sofa
  255. >"Oh, pooh, I should have had some tea out and ready. Seems that I was unprepared this time." Said Rarity with genuine disappointment
  256. >"But enough about that. Tell me, what brings you by?" she said as she resumed working on a dress she had out
  257. "I was wondering if you had any idea where Spike went. I went to go visit Twilight today and I didn't see Spike in the Library."
  258. >Rarity stopped her work
  259. >"You mean you haven't heard?" She inquired astonished
  260. "No, what's up?"
  261. >"Spike was kidnapped a week ago."
  262. "WHAT?!?"
  263. >"I know, I was just as shocked as you were. Twilight had no idea that he'd been kidnapped until she woke up the next morning."
  264. "Why didn't she contact Celestia?"
  265. >"She tried, but Celestia was away at a meeting with your species at the time. She figured it was utterly hopeless, so she became a recluse, that is, until you showed up."
  266. >You were in complete shock right now, you couldn't think straight
  267. "Rarity?"
  268. >"Yes?"
  269. "I need something to drink. Now."
  270. >She rushed over to the kitchen and got you a tall glass of water
  271. >You gulped it down ferociously
  272. 'Oh my God! THAT'S why Twilight was crying so much! God dammit, I need to fix this somehow. I need to fix this NOW!' You thought in a panic
  273. >"Anon, calm down! The Royal Guard have been searching all over Equestria after myself and Rainbow Dash notified Shining Armor. We're hoping for the best, but these things usually don't pan out" Said Rarity dejectedly
  274. >The both of you breathed a heavy sigh
  275. >This is bad
  276. 'Well, I might as well do something to cheer her up.' You thought
  277. "Rarity, what would you say to spending the evening at Twilight's house? I don't want her to be alone tonight, and I was planning on surprising her by staying over, but I have somethings I need to do now. Would you mind doing me the favor? I'd be in your debt for a while."
  278. >"Oh, but of course, darling. I know how stressful it must be for Twilight. I remember losing Opal for two days, I could barely sleep or work!" She said in her trademark dramatic fashion
  279. -------------------
  280. >After gathering some things in an overnight bag, You and Rarity were ready to set off
  281. >She placed her things in your trunk and you two set off
  282. -------------------
  283. >You dropped off Rarity at Twilight's treehouse
  284. "Thanks again for doing this, Rarity. You have no idea how much this means to both me and Twi."
  285. >"My pleasure, darling. I'm always glad to help out a friend of mine."
  286. >You waved goodbye to Rarity and set off towards your room in Canterlot, with the Civic still in tow
  287. >"This is what Twilight was driving all this time?" Celestia asked with horrified astonishment
  288. "Yep, and it nearly killed us both today."
  289. >Celestia inspected the car, taking care not to get too close to it
  290. >Venturing to be bold, she poked at the trunk lid
  291. >A piece of the rusty trunk broke off and fell inside
  292. >She leapt back in surprise
  293. >Something then becomes clear to you: You never checked the trunk of the car
  294. >You open up the driver's side door and activate the trunk release
  295. >The trunk doesn't open
  296. "Hmm, must be rusted shut. Oh well, only one thing to do now."
  297. >You go over to the trunk lid, and following the Solar Princess' lead, punch at the trunk lid, causing more and more of the trunk to come off
  298. >Eventually, enough of the trunk comes off that you can see inside of it
  299. >Something purple and green is lying in there
  300. "No..." You mutter in fear
  301. >You punch enough of it off that you can pick up what's in the trunk
  302. >It's warm and a bit weighty
  303. >Everyone in the room gasps in astonishment
  304. >It's Spike
  305. "Get him to a medical center, immediately!" Ordered Celestia
  306. >You could feel his pulse, but it was weak
  307. >You handed him off to the Guards who took him into a Mercedes-Benz G-wagen in Royal Guard livery and sped off, lights flashing
  308. "What the hell is going on here?" You shouted with bewilderment
  309. "I suspect we shall know more once Spike's condition is stabilized." Said Celestia
  310. >You didn't really know what to do with yourself
  311. >Twilight almost killed both you and herself in that car today
  312. >You found Spike in the car you both almost got killed in
  313. >You know Twilight is just putting on this facade for you so that you don't know what's going on
  314. >But that facade is for a reason
  315. >But why?
  316. >Why would she need to hide something like this from you
  317. >"I think some rest is in order, Anon. The Guards will tell us when Spike has stabilized." Celestia assured
  318. "Yeah, you're right. It's been a long day." You say, just now being overcome by a wave of exhaustion
  319. >The both of you then proceed to your respective bedrooms
  320. >Celestia's wasn't that far away from yours (should a human emergency arise, you would always be on hand)
  321. >But before she headed off to her room, she lingered around for a few moments
  322. >"Anon?"
  323. >You turn around as she puts an encouraging hoof on your shoulder
  324. >"We'll get whoever's responsible, whatever it takes." Celestia said resolutely
  325. "If it's the last thing I do."
  326. >Celestia then left to her own chambers as you entered yours
  327. >You stripped down to your undergarments, set an alarm for 07:00 and collapsed on the bed
  328. -------------------
  329. >BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
  330. >Reflexively, you wave out your arm in an attempt to suppress the clock
  331. >Your hand is too far from the nightstand
  332. >You roll onto your back
  333. >Just barely
  334. >One more roll ought to do it
  335. >You go for another roll
  336. "Oof!"
  337. >That one landed you on the floor
  338. "Oh, for fuck's sake."
  339. >You get up and shut off the alarm
  340. "Got ya, you little fuck." You say, still groggy from your rude awakening
  341. >You check the clock again
  342. >07:00
  343. 'All right, Twilight's test is at 09:00, so I have until then to figure shit out.'
  344. >Not wasting any time, you begin your routine
  345. >Shit, shower, shave, brush your teeth, get dressed, head down for breakfast
  346. >You see that Celestia already beat you to it, seeing her chow down on a large stack of pancakes
  347. >"What? It takes a lot of energy to raise the sun." Celestia said defensively
  348. "Hey, your diet, your business." You say, as you grab a plate and a glass and go to join the Princess at the table
  349. >You were also served pancakes with a tall glass of milk
  350. >Your favorite
  351. "Did Luna have her breakfast already?" You say before stuffing your face with syrupy goodness
  352. >"Yes, she's already up in her chambers resting up for tonight."
  353. "Ah."
  354. >You take a swig of the milk to help wash down the pancakes
  355. "Any word on Spike?"
  356. >Celestia levitated a napkin to her mouth to wipe off the syrup before answering you "He's in the Canterlot Medical Center. He's conscious, but he's still weak, so don't expect many answers."
  357. "I only need one."
  358. >You devour the rest of your pancakes, take care of your dinnerware, and head to the Canterlot Castle Garage
  359. >Every car you could imagine is stored here
  360. >And you have access to all of them
  361. "Ah, it's like Christmas morning." You say aloud with a shit-eating grin spread across your face
  362. >What to pick, what to pick
  363. >You don't want to make the mistake of picking a street racer for these roads again
  364. >Hmm
  365. >A Suburban?
  366. >Nah
  367. >A X5?
  368. >Nah
  369. >A Q7?
  370. >Nah
  371. >Not even a Humvee?
  372. >Nah, too slow
  373. >Aha!
  374. >You retrieve a familiar curved key fob with chrome on the edges, the timeless three-pointed star at the center
  375. "Merry Christmas to me."
  376. >Speaking of which, you should probably attach Twily's present to yours
  377. >You put her present on a car trailer and attach it to your car
  378. >You get in your car and turn the key
  379. >The gruesome 5.5 liter engine roars into being, ready to assault any course you give it
  380. >A chill of pure bliss races down your spine
  381. >Seatbelt, mirrors, gear selected, and you're off with a thunderous roar
  382. -------------------
  383. >Today's the day, Sparkle!
  384. >No more failing
  385. >No more crying
  386. >No more shutting everyone out of your life
  387. >You are going to pass this test today
  388. >All thanks to Anon
  389. >You check the clock
  390. >08:30
  391. >"Better get going, there might be a line forming!" You said with sudden urgency
  392. >You get your house keys (Anon took your car keys separately) and head out the door
  393. >You lock it and head around back to where your car usually is
  394. >You stop dead in your tracks, as your shitty Honda is nowhere to be seen
  395. >"But I-"
  396. >You start looking around, becoming more panicked by the second
  397. >"Oh no, oh no, OH NO!"
  398. -------------------
  399. >'Man, I hope I'm not keeping Twily waiting.' You thought as you checked the clock
  400. >08:20
  401. >Eh, you'll be fine
  402. >You notice the road was becoming smoother
  403. 'Ah, must be near Ponyville'
  404. >You figured this meant you could hustle a little faster
  405. >So you did, completely forgetting that there was an entire car attached to the back of yours
  406. >You stepped on the accelerator a bit more
  407. >The engine responded, roaring louder and increasing the revs
  408. >This didn't last long, as you saw a sign that indicated heavy pedestrian traffic was ahead
  409. >You worked the brakes so that you slowed down without lunging yourself out of your seat
  410. >Turning onto the main thoroughfare, you see the Library
  411. >With a purple alicorn flying in every which way around it
  412. >Fuck
  413. >You quickly pull up in front of the Library, trying not to waste time
  414. >You'd need all the time you could get
  415. >Just as you got out of your car, Rarity exited the Library unnoticed by you
  416. >"TWILIGHT! CALM DOWN!" Both of you shouted in unison
  417. >Both of you quickly turned to one another and winced a bit at the suddenness of the encounter
  418. >Well, at least she stopped freaking out
  419. >"Anon!" Shouted the purple pony, still aloft
  420. >"I can't find my car and my test is in 30 minutes!"
  421. "Don't worry about it. I brought you one to use."
  422. >You point her to the car you had attached to the trailer
  423. >A lavender Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG Black Edition
  424. >Celestia had the colors made especially for Twilight, as this was both the Royal Sister's gift and your gift to her
  425. >One hell of a gift to split
  426. >Unfortunately, thanks to your rough driving, it was all covered in dirty snow
  427. >Looking at this, you gave a toothy grin and put a hand behind your head
  428. >Once again, smooth, Anon
  429. >"Oh, this is simply unacceptable! I can't let one of my best friends drive around in such a filthy car!" Exclaimed Rarity with disgust
  430. >Her horn gave a light blue glow and a large cauldron was levitated from inside
  431. >She poured the contents onto the car, clearing it of the dirty snow
  432. >Immediately afterwards, there was a new, shiny coat on the car
  433. >"Well, at least the snow is off." Rarity said, giving an embarrassed smile
  434. >You give a massive facepalm
  435. "Whatever, the engine will take care of that. Twilight, can you come down already so that we can go get your license?"
  436. >"Oh, right. That." Said Twilight giving her trademark sheepish grin
  437. >She landed and was about to get in your car until she took a good look at it
  438. >"Uh, Anon?"
  439. "Yes?"
  440. >"Aren't cars supposed to have 4 wheels, not 6?"
  441. "I'll explain on the way, now get in!"
  442. >With that, the three of you got in, strapped in, and set off
  443. -------------------
  444. >"Oh, thank Celestia the line isn't too long." Twilight said with relief
  445. "You wouldn't have had to worry about that, anyways."
  446. >She looks at you with a puzzled look on her face
  447. "I got you an appointment, remember?"
  448. >"Oh yeah."
  449. >There's that grin again
  450. >You gave a light chuckle
  451. "All right, let's get you set up to take that test."
  452. >You released the car from the trailer and gave the keys to Twilight
  453. "Just remember, don't get cocky, Twilight. Remember to breathe, too."
  454. >"Don't worry, I've learned my lesson, thanks to you."
  455. >She gives you a winged embrace, which you return with your arms
  456. >Damn, her wings are warm
  457. >You could stay there for a bit, keep yourself out of the cold
  458. >But you couldn't
  459. >You knew what you had to do
  460. "Hey Rarity, are you free to help Twilight out with anything if she needs it?" You say giving her a quick wink
  461. >She realizes what you're getting at
  462. >"Of course, darling! Anything to get my best friend through this accursed exam." Rarity said with enthusiasm
  463. "Thanks, Rares. I have to take care of some last minute things, but I promise I'll be back before you know it!" You say as you step back into your G63 AMG 6x6 (pic related)
  464. >"Good luck, Anon!" They both say simultaneously
  465. >They both winced a bit at the unexpected unison
  466. >Heh
  467. >Seatbelt, gear, and you were off again, this time towards Canterlot Medical Center
  468. -------------------
  469. >After dropping of the trailer in the Garage, you pulled up to the Medical Center
  470. >You go inside and approach the nurse at the counter
  471. "Excuse me, what room is Spike in?"
  472. >"The dragon, right?"
  473. "Yes."
  474. >The pink-maned mare clicked a few times on her computer
  475. >"Let's see here...ah, there we are. He's in room 117, ICU."
  476. "Much obliged."
  477. >Thankfully, this hospital was logically organized
  478. >Room 104
  479. >Room 109
  480. >Room 113
  481. >Aha, room 117
  482. >The room's front wall is glass, allowing you to have a look
  483. >Your heart sinks in your chest at the sight of the poor dragon
  484. >Breathing apparatus
  485. >IV lines
  486. >EKG wires
  487. >Heart monitor
  488. "What the hell happened to him?" You wonder aloud
  489. >"More than you can shake a hoof at, that's for sure."
  490. >You spin around on your heals, striking an aggressive stance
  491. >Phew, it's only a doctor
  492. >White mane, bluish-gray coat, yellow eyes
  493. >Seems trustworthy
  494. >You relax your stance, which also puts him visibly at ease
  495. "What do you mean 'more than you can shake a hoof at'? Broken bones? Internal hemorrhaging? What?" You ask in a distressed tone
  496. >"He's experienced a lot of blunt force trauma, which did cause him a lot of internal hemorrhaging. We also found several deep gashes in his back, which is surprising given how tough dragon skin is." The doctor said somberly
  497. >He saw your look of horror
  498. >"But luckily, our finest were on hand and we've treated his wounds. Now it's just a waiting game." He said, still clearly saddened but somewhat uplifted
  499. "Is he able to have visitors?"
  500. >"Depends if he's awake yet."
  501. >He motioned towards the door
  502. >"Shall we?"
  503. "After you, sir."
  504. >You held the door open for him and you both walked in
  505. >"Rise and shine, sleepyhead. How're you feeling?"
  506. >Spike slowly opened his eyes, sat up in his bed, and rubbed his eyes
  507. >"Ugh, anything's better than that stupid trunk." He said groggily
  508. >He looked up at you
  509. >"Oh hey, Anon. Nice to see you." He said yawning
  510. "Hey, Spike. Nice to see that you're still in one piece." You said jokingly
  511. >"Heh, yeah. I just can't believe neither of us couldn't fight them."
  512. >Your interest has now piqued
  513. "Who had to fight who?" You ask, cocking an eyebrow
  514. >"WE had to fight those stupid car salesponies. They were encircling us and the next thing I know I'm in a dark box."
  515. >Some veins were popping out on your forehead and a flurry of questions were popping out of your head
  516. "What did they look like? Where were you two assaulted? Who else did they threaten? Where do they work? Why would a bunch of car salesponies threaten you?" You ask, desperation in your eyes
  517. >Spike was taken aback by the sudden volley
  518. >"Whoa, slow down, Anon! I don't really remember much about them, just that they all had blue shirts with little H's on them."
  519. >Fucking Honda dealers
  520. >"That, and their eyes were green. It was really weird."
  521. "Where can I find these creeps?"
  522. >"I'm not sure, but we were in Ponyville when this happened, if that's any help."
  523. "It narrows it down a bunch, thanks for the help, Spike."
  524. >"Yeah, anytime."
  525. >Before you fully exit the room, you turn and face Spike at the doorway
  526. "Spike?"
  527. >"Yeah?"
  528. "Whoever did this is going to pay a very steep price for this."
  529. >With that, you stepped briskly back to your car
  530. >Which was being towed
  531. >Oh HELL no
  532. >Moving quickly, you enter the driver's seat
  533. >Locking differentials engaged, "L" selected, a bit of gas
  534. >You begin to tow the tow truck
  535. >The operators have horrified looks on their faces, as though their worlds came caving in just now
  536. >But why let them off easy?
  537. >You decided to make a spectacle of it
  538. >You drove them around Canterlot's shopping district, where the ponies stood there in both astonishment and amusement at your antics, distracting them from the cold
  539. >You then decided to parade them around Canterlot Castle, making a circuit of the palace
  540. >The Guards certainly got a kick out of it
  541. >You stop at the entrance to the Castle and roll down your window
  542. "Had enough, boys?" You yell to them, feeling quite smug
  543. >They respond by unhitching your car and speeding off as far away from you as possible
  544. "Heh, that ought to learn 'em." You say, rolling up the window
  545. >You arrive back at the Garage to resupply
  546. >That 5.5 liter may be vicious, but it's also thirsty
  547. >You manage to move an oil drum marked "FUEL" to the rear end of the 6x6
  548. >Retrieving a magic hose from the wall, you attach one end to the barrel and another to the fuel tank port
  549. >The hose does the rest, pumping "fuel" from the barrel to your tank
  550. >You still had no idea what they used here
  551. >While the car was being fueled, you opened up the tailgate and felt around the truck bed for a button
  552. >Upon finding it, you push it, revealing a secret compartment that has a metal case in it marked "Motherland's Best"
  553. >You open it to inspect it's contents
  554. >Everything seems to be in order
  555. >You close the case, the compartment, and the tailgate
  556. >"Expecting trouble, Anon?"
  557. "Your Highness!"
  558. >You instinctively take a knee
  559. >"At ease, Anon."
  560. >You rose again, back erect
  561. "Uh, yes, ma'am. I spoke with Spike and he said he and Twilight were both assaulted in Ponyville by a bunch of green-eyed Honda dealers. I refuse to take any chances when it comes to the safety of those I care for. Twilight and Spike could've been killed!" You assert, keeping your hands respectfully behind your back
  562. >"I know, Anon, I know," Celestia said, sighing "but you must remember that we Equestrians are a peaceful bunch, so if you plan on doing anything rash, we can't help you."
  563. "I understand, ma'am. But I'm not concerned. I may not look it, but I'm no brute. I'm capable of higher thought and I have a moral compass. Violence is never my first choice." You say earnestly
  564. >Your moral compass isn't going to get you into heaven anytime soon, but what she doesn't know won't kill her right?
  565. >Celestia turned away and walked seemingly absent-minded along a row of cars
  566. >"Very well, Anonymous. I trust you to use your better judgement today. I WILL be watching." Celestia warned
  567. "Understood, ma'am. I'll be sure to be on my best behavior." You say with undetectable sarcasm
  568. >Oh look, the Internet finally gave you a useful life skill
  569. >You walk over to the fuel barrel and notice the hose is limp
  570. >You remove the hose from its connecting points and put it back where you found it
  571. >You also roll the barrel back to it's place
  572. 'All right, no dicking around.' You though
  573. >Ignition, seatbelt, gear, and the 5.5 liter rips through Canterlot
  574. >Since you weren't carrying anything this time and you were dashing through the snow in the Everfree Forest. you figured you could give it the beans
  575. >And you did
  576. >Thankfully, Equestria opted for a speed limit style like Germany's: Rather restrained in urban areas and completely unfettered in rural areas
  577. >And since nobody lived in the Everfree (besides Zecora), you knew you could unleash the monster living under your hood
  578. >60 mph
  579. >70
  580. >80
  581. >90
  582. >The engine roared louder with each passing second
  583. >100
  584. >110
  585. >120
  586. >To compensate for your speed, you turned on your high beams to get a better view ahead
  587. >Nothing but snowy trees and a long snowy path
  588. >Oh boy, here we go
  589. >More throttle (if that was even possible)
  590. >130
  591. >135
  592. >You see that the straight, snowy path is about to end soon and lead you into an impromptu rally stage
  593. >You ease onto the brakes on the brakes, applying pressure steadily
  594. >120
  595. >105
  596. >90
  597. >70
  598. >50
  599. >Slight left
  600. >35
  601. >Medium right
  602. >20
  603. >Sharp right
  604. >40
  605. >Slight left
  606. "If Santa had to deal with this, I'd be impressed." You mused to yourself, attempting to keep yourself on the road
  607. -------------------
  608. >You arrive in Ponyville, car covered in snow
  609. >Time: 11:00
  610. "Ah, shit." You swear aloud
  611. >You make a hasty U-turn and speed off towards the Library
  612. -------------------
  613. >"I don't understand, where could he be? It's been two hours since we got home!" Twilight wondered, clearly anxious
  614. >"Oh, I'm sure he'll be here soon, you know Anon cares very much about you." Rarity assured
  615. >The two ponies gazed out of the window in Twilight's bedroom
  616. >"You don't think 'They' got him, do you?" Twilight asked, distraught at the thought
  617. >"Nonsense, he's a capable, uhm, what do they call him again?"
  618. >"Human."
  619. >"No, no, something else. I think it's a colloquialism, it starts with a 'M'."
  620. >Twilight thought about it for a moment
  621. >"Oh, you mean 'man'?"
  622. >"Yes, that's the ticket!" Rarity exclaimed
  623. >Twilight looked down at the ground, somewhat despondent
  624. >First Spike, and now Anon, too?
  625. >Tears were welling up in her eyes
  626. >Rarity, sensing her friend's lament, went and gave Twilight a warm embrace
  627. >"It's like you said, darling: Everything is going to be fine." She said, consoling the princess
  628. -------------------
  629. >Time: 11:10
  630. >"Gah!" You exclaim, frustrated
  631. >You'd have time to be mad at yourself later, she'll do it for you first
  632. >Car in "Park", parking brake on, seatbelt off, and you bolt to the door of the Library
  633. >The wind was blowing sideways, but your ushanka shielded most of your head from the cold
  634. >Your face, on the other hand, was losing heat fast
  635. >You rap on the door with your knuckle quickly
  636. >The response was almost immediate, with the door being opened with an aura of light pink
  637. >"Anon!" Twilight shouted with glee
  638. >Huh?
  639. >You were then dragged into the treehouse, the door slamming behind you
  640. >"Oh Anon, thank Celestia you're back! I was worried you wouldn't show up!" She said, squeezing you half to death
  641. "Wait! I need to do something first!"
  642. >You pull the key for the G63 out of your pocket and press the lock button
  643. >You listen intently
  644. >beepbeepbeep
  645. "Ah, there we go." You say with peace of mind
  646. >Twilight looked like she wanted to say "Are you fucking kidding me?" but let her face do the talking instead of her mouth
  647. "Anyways, why did you think I wouldn't show?"
  648. >"Ah, well, you see, uh..." Twilight started
  649. >You'd caught her off guard
  650. >Your suspicion was immediately roused
  651. >Should you tell her now, or later?
  652. >You look at her
  653. >She looks like she wants to say something, but can't
  654. 'Damn, my kingdom for a Magatama.' You thought
  655. >Guess it's time
  656. "Twilight," You begin as you knelt down to her "I know about what's going on."
  657. >"What?" She says, dumbfounded
  658. "I know that Spike was kidnapped and that someone had forced you to drive that piece of shit. I know they 'sold' you that Honda. And I know for a fact that Spike is fine, because I found him in your trunk. I just need to know one thing from you."
  659. >She looks up at your face, in disbelief that you knew
  660. "Who did this to you? I promise, no, I swear that they will be subject to my vengeance." You say, rage being suppressed
  661. >"I...I can't say. They threatened my life if I told anyone."
  662. >There are those veins again
  663. >The nerve of these chucklefucks, threatening your waifu, moreover Equestrian royalty
  664. >But this does make you think
  665. >Whoever can threaten Twilight must have a lot of power behind them
  666. >A LOT
  667. >You get up and walk towards the door, hands made into fists
  668. "Then if you can't stay here, you're coming with me." You say to Twilight
  669. >"But Anon, they'll murder you!" Twilight objected
  670. "All right, then, let me tell you why that's bullshit. As your numerous tests have indicated, I'm immune to magic, and I've got more overall endurance than any stallion alive or dead. I think I can handle myself."
  671. >"Anon, I'm afraid she might have valid concerns here. These aren't ordinary ponies, they're changelings." Rarity chimed in
  672. >Well shit
  673. >That explains a lot
  674. >But you know what this means
  675. >Peace is not an option
  676. "All the better. I'm not that great at haggling, anyways. Now come on, we're going to 'report' a few lemons."
  677. >Twilight, still doubtful, followed you to the car, Rarity accompanying her
  678. >You open the door for the two of them, close it once they enter, and get into the driver's seat
  679. >Ignition, seatbelt, brake disengaged, gear, and you were off
  680. -------------------
  681. >"There. That's the place." Twilight pointed out as you were driving
  682. >Honda of Ponyville
  683. >You should have known it was this place
  684. >Negotiations for dealerships in Equestria were still in limbo because of the possibility of increased crime, since cars were so popular
  685. >True, there have been thieves coming from Equestria to Earth to boost cars, but human law enforcement is highly effective, something ponies aren't used to
  686. >So for now, all cars are bought through middlemen, or middle pones
  687. >But again, you should have suspected this place
  688. >After all, it was the only one
  689. >You park directly across the street, so as to be less conspicuous
  690. "All right, I'll go in and take care of the changelings, you two stay here and keep the doors locked. If anyone, ANYONE, comes and asks you to open the door, don't. Keep it locked until I show up and say the password."
  691. >"Which is..?" Rarity enquired
  692. >You gave it a bit of thought
  693. >Something you know really well, but something no one from here would
  694. >Something human
  695. "Garuda 1." You say, struck with inspiration
  696. >The two looked at each other and shrugged
  697. >Clearly, they've heard weirder
  698. >With that, you get out and head to the tailgate, accessing the secret panel and "Motherland's Best"
  699. >PP-2000 plus ammo
  700. >Check
  701. >Beretta M93R plus ammo
  702. >Check
  703. >A blade for close quarter encounters
  704. >Check
  705. >You stow everything so that it presses against you as closely as possible to keep it concealed
  706. >Closing the case, the panel, and the tailgate, you walk quickly to the dealership
  707. >You notice some "salesponies" through the big glass windows
  708. >They eye you with suspicion
  709. >And green eyes
  710. >Yep, this was the place
  711. >You bust through the double doors
  712. "Oi! I've a score to settle!" You say, furious
  713. >Just as you finish the sentence, you hear a loud click from the door behind you and all the windows are suddenly shuttered
  714. >About 20 "salesponies" came out to "greet" you
  715. >"Ah, so this is the infamous human we've heard so much about." Said one of the changelings
  716. >You had no recourse
  717. >"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
  718. >You had so many things you wanted to say, but only one thing came to mind clearly enough to say
  719. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you peo-, er, ponies?" You exclaim
  720. >The changelings smile at your frustration
  721. >Seems like these feed of butthurt rather than love
  722. >"We want the same thing you do: Revenge."
  723. >Ok, now you're confused
  724. "What are you on about?"
  725. >One changeling stepped forward from the group
  726. >Slightly taller than the rest, more developed, slightly more chitin on his back
  727. >Yep, the leader
  728. >"In case you don't recall, we were humiliated by these ponies when we tried to take over Canterlot. We were sent packing. But if that wasn't enough, our Queen starved to death, because the Equestrians were on to our little tricks and thus blocked us off from love." Said the Leader
  729. "So then how are you here now?"
  730. >"Because we've had to adapt to use a new food: Fear. We earn our food by terrorizing the citizens. The more word of our handiwork spreads, the more food we have. A win-win for us." He said, smiling deviously
  731. "So in other words, you've turned into a bunch of cowards?" You say defiantly
  732. >He responds with a wicked laugh
  733. >"Oh, how you humans think you can conquer everything. Let's see how you like it when you're the one being conquered!" He shouted
  734. >Just then, five changelings leapt at you and another five flew up to keep you bombarded with magic
  735. >Draw!
  736. >PP-2000 was out first
  737. >You shot at the one attacking by ground in the middle
  738. >1, 2, 3, 4, 5 bullets took him down
  739. >The other four were coming on just as strong as before
  740. >As you fired upon your next target, a bolt of magic just barely missed you, hitting the shuttered window next to you
  741. 'Time to move, I guess.' You thought as you ran behind a Honda Pilot, taking cover behind the engine block
  742. >You decided to peek around and take pot shots at the ones on the ground
  743. >Just as you did, one of the airborne ones dove at you
  744. >You sidestep him, watching him faceplant into a wall
  745. >You run up to him, smack him with the butt of your gun, and put one right in his eyes
  746. >Two down
  747. >One just turned the corner of the Pilot to find you finished massacring its comrade
  748. >It screeches, causing the other changelings on the ground to charge at you and the airborne ones to fire even quicker
  749. 'Come on, haven't those years of gaming taught you shit?' You thought, pulling the trigger with an enemy in your iron sights
  750. >Slowly but surely, your threats were downed forever
  751. >And then there was one
  752. >But you saw none
  753. >You crept about the store, keeping tags on what was around you
  754. >You were in the Service area
  755. >The doors were still locked
  756. >So, what would it be, Anon?
  757. >Would you sacrifice stealth for action and shoot off the locks?
  758. >Or would you play it safe, preferring to lurk in the shadows?
  759. >You weren't going to stop until you got your revenge and drank his courage right from his heart
  760. >His rich, tasty courage
  761. >Switching to the M93R
  762. >The door was locked in your sights
  763. >One squeeze
  764. >Poppoppop
  765. 'Open sesame.' You thought, breaching through the door
  766. >No sooner had you stepped into the Service Bay entrance had you heard something
  767. >Something sinister
  768. >Something eerily familiar to you
  769. "No...it can't be." You mutter in disbelief as you're convinced your ears are lying to you
  770. >That low growl
  771. >It was coming closer by the second
  772. >You knew it well
  773. >It was a 5.8 liter V8
  774. >But not just any V8, a Super Snake
  775. >And now you were face to headlights with it, Bi-Xenons shining into your eyes
  776. >But this one had a few, modifications
  777. >Half of the windshield was covered in metal, save for a small bar of bulletproof glass, and the other half was all bulletproof glass, save for 3 horizontal bars of metal
  778. >2 miniguns sat on the hood
  779. >Armored body panels
  780. >And you could make out something at the back of the car, something thick and metallic that was just barely wider than the car
  781. "Frankenstein."
  782. >The miniguns were spinning up
  783. >You beat a hasty retreat back into the dealership
  784. >You had gotten no further than the entranceway of the main lobby when you heard that growl behind you
  785. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
  786. -------------------
  787. >Meanwhile, the two ponies sat helplessly in the G63, awaiting the return of the human
  788. >"Anon, please return to us." Pleaded Twilight to nobody in particular
  789. >"Relax, Twilight. Anon is a capable gentleman, I'm sure he-"
  790. >Rarity was cut off by a sudden crashing noise from across the street, followed by a maniacal growling noise
  791. >They look in the direction of the noise, only to spot a black coupe fishtailing wildly with a humanoid clinging to the hood of it
  792. >As it passed by, they vaguely heard the sound of a human scream "Garuda 1!"
  793. >"Anon?" Twilight wondered, utterly at a loss for words
  794. >She instead opted for action, getting into the driver's seat
  795. >"Twilight! What in Equestria are you doing! You don't have your license yet!" Rarity exclaimed, bewildered
  796. >She was immediately presented with a light blue piece of plastic held by a light pink aura
  797. >It had the alicorn's picture, name, address, and other vital information on it
  798. >"And besides, Anon went to these lengths for me, the least I could do is return the favor." Twilight asserted, selecting the gear and mashing the gas pedal
  799. >Rarity's heart was warmed from this deep bond between Twilight and Anon, but this was negated when she needed the panic grips to cope with Twilight's cornering
  800. -------------------
  801. >Your hands were rapidly losing their grip, thanks to the cold metal and being shaken by this guy's driving
  802. >But you had to hold on
  803. >You had to get this guy
  804. >You heard the minigun spin up again
  805. >You were still in Ponyville
  806. >You reached for your knife
  807. "Not today, fuckjob." You scream, severing the ammo feed from the miniguns
  808. >But this cost you your grip
  809. >You tumbled onto the road, listening as the Super Snake slithered away from you
  810. "Well, at least he can't kill that many ponies." You said with ground teeth
  811. >You were sore everywhere, and you had probably broken a bone, you couldn't tell because of the adrenaline
  812. >You got up on your feet with some effort
  813. >Wait
  814. >Another engine?
  815. >This was a roar, not a growl
  816. >Boxy shape, Bi-Xenons, thick tires
  817. "Twily!" You yelled with joy as you limped towards her
  818. >The behemoth came to a sudden stop
  819. >You went around to the back and got into the truckbed
  820. "Follow that snake!" You yelled through the glass
  821. >You were jerked forward by the acceleration
  822. -------------------
  823. >It didn't take long to track down the Super Snake, as it's the loudest thing in a 20 mile radius
  824. >And true to its name, the Super Snake wasn't handling the cold well
  825. >You knew what Frankenstein was capable of taking, so you came correct
  826. >You opened another, smaller panel in your truckbed
  827. >You pulled out what looked like Playdough with some wires in it
  828. "Get me closer!" You ordered
  829. >The 5.5 Liter roared in response
  830. >The Super Snake growled louder in retaliation, but only ended up spinning its wheels
  831. >You pulled alongside him and tossed down your "present" at his window
  832. "Stop the car!" You shouted to the driver
  833. >As you lurched forward, you took a trigger from that same small compartment
  834. "Merry Christmas, you fuck."
  835. >Click
  836. >Fireworks
  837. >You had slain the Super Snake
  838. >As soon as you stopped, Twilight rushed out and hugged you
  839. >"Anon! I-"
  840. "Shh, don't say anything. I just want to enjoy a quiet moment with you while everything is right with the world." You say, exhausted and battered
  841. >You stay in the hug for a few minutes, Twilight keeping you warm with her wings
  842. >"Ahem!" Rarity interjected
  843. >You two immediately disengaged the hug
  844. "Er, right. Let's get you two home."
  845. >You get into the driver's seat with a bit of help
  846. >Seat adjusted, mirrors, seatbelt, gear, and you were whisked away
  847. -------------------
  848. >After dropping Rarity off and thanking her for all she's done, you pull up to Twilight's Library
  849. "It's been quite the adventure, hasn't it?"
  850. >"I just can't believe this began over something so trivial and escalated to something like this."
  851. "Yeah, me neither."
  852. >The both of you breathe a sigh of relief, knowing everything has passed
  853. >Well, almost everything
  854. >"Hey, Anon."
  855. "Hm?"
  856. >"Can we go visit Spike? I was really worried about him."
  857. >And now that you think of it, you could probably get yourself patched up at the same time
  858. "Sure, I need something from there, anyways. Let's go say 'hi' to your number one assistant." You say, managing a smile
  859. >She gave a big smile and squee'd
  860. >And that's what you fought for today
  861. >You fought for that adorkable face and its adorkable expressions
  862. >Something worth more to you than GT-Rs, more than S-Classes, more than Aventadors, more than Continental GTs, more than Veyrons
  863. >More than anything
  864. >Gear engaged, and you rode off to Canterlot Medical Center
  865. >Canterlot Medical Center
  866. >A top-notch hospital for the citizens of Canterlot
  867. >Well, at least those of Equestrian proportions
  868. >You limped out of your car, parking it in the garage this time
  869. 'Those tow truck fuckers better not come back, I swear to God.' You thought angrily
  870. >Suddenly, your injured right leg was encapsulated with a light pink aura
  871. >"Really, it'a the least I can do after the lessons and what you did today." Twilight said modestly
  872. >You didn't feel any pain as the magic acted like a brace
  873. >You check yourself into the hospital
  874. >"Um, sir? I'm afraid we can't accommodate you in the regular rooms and all the rooms for our, larger, patients are occupied. However, you've been triaged into the yellow category, so you'll be the first to get an examination room." A nurse informed you
  875. "That's fine, I'll wait. Thank you." You said, hobbling over to a seat
  876. >"Anon, are you sure you'll be fine by yourself for a bit?" The alicorn inquired
  877. "Aw come on, I'm a big boy now. I'm sure Earth's diplomat to Equestria can handle himself in a hospital." You jested
  878. >You both had a small giggle
  879. "Now go on, you deserve to see him."
  880. >The lavender mare hugged you again, wings included
  881. >Oh, those wings were heaven on, Equestria
  882. >The plushness of wool blanket and the warmth of a heat lamp
  883. >You longed to stay in this oasis, but all good things must end
  884. >She darted towards room 117
  885. >'Good thing everything here is so logically organized.' Twilight thought as she galloped towards room 117
  886. >Upon arriving to the ICU unit, Twilight was taken aback by the sheer number of wires hooked up to Spike, but she remembered Anon's words
  887. >"'I know for a fact that Spike is fine.'" She muttered aloud
  888. >Putting on a brave face, she entered the room
  889. >"Spike?" She ventured to call out
  890. >Twilight checked the monitors
  891. >Heartrate, brain activity, O2 levels, respiration
  892. >Everything checked out
  893. >So then what was the matter?
  894. >Twilight looked up to a clock on the wall
  895. >Time: 17:00
  896. >"Oh, that's it. He's probably napping."
  897. >She gave a big yawn
  898. >"That's ok, I could go for one, myself." She said, settling into a chair that was in the room
  899. >Her eyes gained weight like a kleptomaniac's collection of license plates
  900. >She was soon dozing off in dreamland
  901. -------------------
  902. >"And one more roll of gauze, and... perfect!" Exclaimed the doctor, wrapping your splint in gauze and medical tape
  903. >You move your leg around, testing it a bit before you le it take on any of your weight
  904. "Thanks, doc! First Spike and now me." You complimented him
  905. >"Much obliged, Anon." Said the now-familiar gray-coated stallion
  906. >Just as you were about to wrap up the formalities, an idea struck you
  907. "Is it safe to walk in the cold with this?"
  908. >"It should be, yes."
  909. "Can I still take the loads I used to?"
  910. >"Sure, why do you ask?"
  911. "No reason." You say, suddenly looking up
  912. >You shook his hoof and exited the hospital
  913. >Walking on your newly patched leg was painless, provided you weren't running
  914. >It wasn't the best fix, but it got you up and at 'em
  915. "Let's see, Christmas is still on and I've yet to spend my annual bonus. Let's fix that." You thought aloud, stepping into your G63
  916. >Seatbelt, ignition, back out of the space, put it in drive and you were off
  917. -------------------
  918. >After scouring the city for over an hour, you found a gem retailer
  919. >Your bonus afforded you 3 fist-sized gems: A ruby, a sapphire, and an emerald
  920. "I'm sure the trifecta will be a nice break from all that shit they feed him in the hospital." You thought aloud as you put your purchase in the passenger seat
  921. >Now what to get Twilight
  922. >You don't see her often, so she's always asking you questions about Earth life
  923. >And she goes absolutely bonkers over books
  924. 'Hmm, now if only I had something that combined humans and books into one.' You thought, heading towards Canterlot Castle and your room there
  925. -------------------
  926. "C'mon, please still be here." You pleaded to no one in particular
  927. >You were rummaging about in all of your drawers for Twilight's present
  928. >A human anatomy and physiology textbook
  929. >Sure, it was dry and past due by three years, but you were in a whole different universe
  930. >That, and Twilight liked that sort of book
  931. "Dammit, not here, either." You swore, closing the drawer
  932. >You decided to take a break and have a seat on your bed, butting your head in your hands, exhausted from the last two days
  933. >The door was suddenly opened slightly
  934. >Through the crack in the door came a medium-sized striped rectangle held by a combined yellow and dark blue aura
  935. >You'd say that it was book-sized
  936. >It was floated over to your bed
  937. >You held it after it had been released from its telekinetic grip and the door was closed
  938. >There was also a note on the back of it
  939. >"Anon, sorry for borrowing your book without permission. We were just really curious about your kind. Perhaps you could come to our chambers one evening and give us a live demonstration of human endurance...
  940. > -Celestia & Luna
  941. >Your cheeks were suddenly flush with color
  942. "Maybe all those rumors I hear about Celestia ARE true." You ponder aloud as you grab the pre-wrapped book and head back to the car
  943. -------------------
  944. >It was a short stint to the hospital from the Castle, much to your benefit
  945. >Much to your detriment, however, you still had to walk to reach Spike's room
  946. >You proceed as best you can to Spike's room, bag and book in hand
  947. 'Well, at least I'm out of the cold.' You reflected
  948. >Walking down the hallway to Spike's room, you notice something different about the staff now
  949. >They all had red hats on with a white puff at the end and a fuzzy rim
  950. "It's always the little things in life that count."
  951. >You managed to hobble your way to Spike's room, which is quite a feat considering you were carrying about 15 kgs. worth of gifts
  952. >You peer in through the glass to find two slightly moving purple lumps
  953. >Must be knocked out for the night
  954. >Speaking of which...
  955. >Time: 19:45
  956. >Damn, time flies when you're being sexually harassed by the rulers of a large kingdom
  957. >You were still feeling sore from earlier today and your leg ached for a break
  958. >You pulled up a second chair, moved it next to Twilight's and sat down, placing your gifts between yourself and Twilight
  959. >"Eh, if you can't beat 'em," You gave a long and deep yawn "join 'em."
  960. >As you drifted off to sleep, you recapped what you've accomplished
  961. >Taught a royal how to drive
  962. >Saved her life
  963. >Saved her assistant's life
  964. >Saved the lives of countless ponies
  965. >Killed some changelings
  966. >Got your Phoenix Wright on and got to the bottom of this damn mystery
  967. >Got to spend Christmas with your most beloved pone
  968. >And most importantly, got to drive fast in the snow
  969. >Not bad for a human in Equestria
  970. >Sweet sleep took hold of you
  971. >And it couldn't come fast enough
  972. =================================================
  973. END
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