Was our government really on such a bad trip that in its confusion it had mutated into a pseudo fascist amusement park where only the rich had express passes. The recession and the outraged puritans have raised a generation who seem to be bred for the rat race, maybe we were just all expected to be computer science majors.  Precious sleep was fought back by flashbacks to the beggar claiming the name Al Capone in the waning moments of my trip clutching at me for cigarettes and young flesh the blue rims of his eyes boring into me. I still had trouble wrapping my head around what I could have done to help him. There was an ivory tower stuck between us that no matter what side my person landed on I resented. I had selfishly thought of my bed all day I was finally here and I wasn't sure I knew what to do with it. I have doubts that the acid was still even affecting my internal workings, but with no break to let my mind adjust my thoughts were still warped and geared toward the fast paced trip.
	I had one solitary insight that didn't strike me until days later, I wondered if I had imagined it all. The blustered moral dilemmas and great vibrations I had been aching to understand and vocalize were they even real. I had initially dismissed the possibility of any pointless dramatization and uproar but had it been there all along controlling me with ideals I couldn't understand. I felt intensely hypocritical and my shame was immeasurable, had I been projecting my own shallow woes onto the people around me and forgotten to understand their own. Was I so prideful that I thought my fucking pocket change made a difference in a poor man’s life or was I a hopeless romantic because I thought my words meant more. There is a fine line between self indulgence and compassionate teaching, I think I’d began to understand it a bit that night. My own ideas were equivalent to dirt, which raised the question of why would I try and publish them, the only thing I could honestly feel were people and any amount of intersubjective harmony was worth more than all the personal victories in the world. Was there any hope of agendas ceasing to be about ideal societies and ideal people and begin to revolve more around care and compassion. In the very moments since these insights struck me my heart has swelled with a joy which remains unrivaled. Perhaps this is not the way for everyone, but it had become the way for me. I slowed my breathing and tried to consider myself to be asleep and just waited for my brain to catch up. The great presence of hatred in the world threatened peace still though. There were wars fought over burning regimes and great cultural divides founded on efforts to change each other to obey the rules of our personal kingdoms. There was an omnipresent exchange of ideas which was miraculously discordant. I watch the horizon for a great wave which I dreamed of,  an unstoppable effort for the sake of love which would carry us all away.