Generic Valentine Story

>Be normal Joe.
>Check date.
>See that it's the 14th of February.
>Don't be normal Joe anymore.
>Mission_start.mp4
>Come up with a good acronym for the mission.
>Objective: DLLTEG
>Deliver love letter to elf girl.
>Find out that you're pretty shit at acronyms.
>That however, will be resolved at a later date.
>Now, to get started.
>Look out the window.
>Observe the destruction.
>Poor fuckers run around, trying to escape their fate.
>That's what they get for not preparing for the day of the Rapeconnin-Ehm, Valentine's day.
>Seriously, for monsters, this day is what Christmas is for spoiled rich kids.
>The 'this is as easy as taking candy from a baby' day.
>Close the blinds and go downstairs.
>Look at the pot containing your father's ashes.
>Consider pouring some of it in a glass of water, then drinking it for good luck.
>Decide against it. Your echidna mother would fuck your shit up if you did that.
>Now that you think about it, how could she be your mother if it she's a monster girl and you're just a normal boy.
>press x to doubt.
>Feel your head pulsing like it was just hit by a frying pan.
>Decide to leave that matter for later.
>It probably isn't important.
>Go to the basement, check up on your tied up succuslut.
>Hold her hand while whispering things about friendship and platonic relationships in her ear.
>That should do the trick for the day. Fucking sicko.
>Hey, the Order Club at school has some requirements, having a private succubutt was one of them.
>Hiding her from the authorities is also one of them.
>...Yeah, you'd be in deep shit if the rape squad finds out about this.
>After president Ushi approved of it, tying up succusluts in basements isn't exactly legal.
>How did she become president again?
>Ushi Oni.
>Oh right, she crushed the competition.
>Literally.
>Those poor candidates...
>Half of them were probably russian puppets, so you don't feel so bad about them.
>Back on track.
>Moving away from the bound daemon, go to a randomly placed chest in the corner of the basement.
>Open it up.
>Pick up all the shit from the chest and put it next to the chest.
>Sort through it, and put the stories about brushing a imouto mershark's teeth back in.
>Those things are lewd as hell.
>Don't forget to pocket the number to that monster daki service. It'll be needed for tonight if your crush rejects you.
>Equip your gear during an epic montage.
>Stop acting like a retard and just get the gear on.
>That's more like it.
>Pull the succubi's tail just for good measures, and leave the basement.
>Go to your room upstairs, and jump through the window into the rose bushes below.
>Try to ignore the thorns.
>Don't succeed in ignoring the thorns.
>Cry a bit.
>Regain your composure and move through the rose bushes.
>Advance through it nicely, this is easier than you thought.
>Feel your collar getting pulled up, and along with it, you.
>It's a hellwan girl.
>Youresodeadkid.png
>Aren't those supposed to, I don't know, not be naked in a public space?
>For real, such indecency, they have no respect for moral guidelines, they're the lowest kind of rapists.
>They deserve to be locked up in a prison without bones to chew, and to be forced to suck gently on the key that locked them up.
>Oh, who are you kidding. Better escape quickly.
>Throw two squeaky bouncy balls in two different directions.
>Watch her frustrated expression as she runs off after one of the balls. Hah, balls.
>Works every time.
>Run away from the scene before she can return the balls to you. And smash your actual balls into the asphalt. That would be unpleasant.
>Jump into the bushes next to a sex shop. Yes, a sex shop. What, would you rather jump back into the rose bushes? No? I thought so.
>Find some red polyethylene rope. Who would throw such a convenient item in some random bushes? People that like wasting resources, that's who.
>The rope smells like ammonia though.
>You dread to think why that is the case.
>You then remember that you're in front of sex shop.
>Realisation.jpeg
>Disgusting deviants.
>Now you know why they'd throw this rope in here.
>To get rid of the evidence.
>Quickly crawl to the other side of the rope, back into the rose bushes.
>These are much better all of a sudden.
>Decide to stop these puny antics, and actually progress to your crush's house.
>That's more like it.
>Now, hit your head against a wooden fence like an idiot, anon.
>No, don't jump over it, you do not have free will in this greentext, this is not the Stanley Parable™. Do what I say, anon.
>...
>Alrighty then, now where was I? Right.
>Ignore the narrator's ramblings, and actually finish your task.
>Get up.
>Look around.
>Locate the house of your crush.
>And just walk towards it like a normal person.
>Good.
>Walk twenty meters to the right, and be in front of her house.
>That wasn't so hard, now, was it?
>Jump over the fence, because you're too lazy to ring, and knock on her front door.
>Wait a minute or two in front of it, until she opens the door.
>Find out that you knocked on the wrong door.
>Look at the Dark Mass that is taking place inside the house.
>This is really making you feel like a pedophile, does it not?
>Now, pull out your fire weapons and shoot them all to death.
>You must purge the heretics, yes, feel your rage surge, let them bleed.
>...
>Oh sorry, that was my mistake,I was reading the main focus of the 40K campaign, let's resume with the valentine story, anon.
>Scroll back to before you jumped into the bushes next to the sex shop.
>Yes, this scenario has been derailed right about there.
>After you escaped the hellhound, run into a backstreet, and behold a demonic ritual being performed on a random civilian woman.
>Back out of the street, and just go up on a ladder conveniently placed ladder, onto a building.
>Ran across the roofs of the complex, above the victims of the day of love, jumping from building to building.
>Upon getting onto the final ledge, jump off of into a puddle of slime.
>Point at scream that a hapless cherryboi is running away, and watch as a mob of girls, including the slime you were in run in that direction.
>Yet again, your escape is successful, decide to not try your luck again.
>A quick sprint later, your in front of your crush's house.
>Legitimately, this time.
>Knock on the door, and wait.
>And wait.
>And wait some more.
>Go to a flowershop and buy a bucket of roses while you're at it.
>Return to the house, and wait some more.
>Pull out your phone, and watch the trailer for the Fifth season of Ochimusha Jackie again.
>That shit will be lit.
>Finally, hear the door open.
>Greet the surprised and totally not prudish elf girl, and give her your letter.
>Receive a thanks, and see the door shutting in front of you.
>Stand in silence for a few seconds, before starting to think about your life as an old man with a lot of fat cats.
>Well, this is turning into a shitty Valentine quite quickly.
>Mission_accomplished.mp4
>Oh, shut up.
>Look down, and see a pink envelope.
>Pick it up, see your crush's name on it, and tear the envelope apart, to find a small piece of paper.
>Read: "Meet me in the park tonight. xxx"
>Mission_start.mp4
>XXX
>Now, that can mean two things.
>You're either getting hugged three times, or you're getting laid tonight.
>Both aspects seem quite appealing.
>This Valentine's day doesn't seem so bad anymore.