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- >The bright red glow of your bedside clock reads 11:45 pm; Colgate’s never gotten you up this early.
- >It’s been 5:00 am routinely, every single goddamned morning since you moved in, so why is she shaking you awake before midnight?
- >You’re about to ask that very question, but she puts a hoof to your lips to silence you.
- >Her bright blue eyes stare at you intensely through the darkness, displaying a clear but mysterious tenacity.
- “Colgate, what the fu-“
- >”Shhhhh! Shush!”
- >You raise an eyebrow to ask the question without actually speaking a word.
- >”Anon,” She leans forward to whisper directly into your ear. “There’s someone outside!”
- >You roll your eyes.
- “So what? I remembered to lock up.”
- Colgate still looks worried.
- “Worst case scenario: it’s some drunk who can’t support his cider addiction. There are no serious criminals in Ponyville.”
- >“They looked like a serious criminal. They had a balaclava and everything!”
- “They’ll leave when they realize they can’t get through the front door.”
- >Your proven wrong when the unmistakeable noise of a shattering window echoes throughout the house.
- >Colgate jumps into your arms.
- >”Anon, are we gonna die?” she squeaks.
- >You don’t have to strain your ears to hear the racket downstairs.
- >The intruder seems to be mercilessly destroying everything you own. They’re clearly not here to steal any of it.
- “Yeah, probably.”
- >If the commotion downstairs is anything to go by, you’re home has been broken into by an escaped mental patient on a murderous rampage.
- >You don’t expect a single piece of furniture to have survived.
- >”How long until he finds his way upstairs and slaughters us?”
- >You hear heavy hoofsteps on the staircase.
- “Hopefully enough time to confess something.”
- >Colgate narrows her eyes. “Confess something?”
- “I’ve been hoarding soda and stashing it under my floorboards.”
- >Colgate gasps. “That’s a serious betrayal of my trust, Annie! You should have removed sugar from your diet completely! Out of solidarity, if not out of respect for me!”
- “I’m sorry.”
- >She shuffles her hooves nervously. “But… I-I’ve got a confession too. I’ve been testing experimental teeth whiteners on you while you sleep.”
- “Wh- COLGATE! Are you insane?”
- >The intruder’s hoofsteps steadily get closer to your bedroom as they make their way down the hallway.
- >Colgate just smiles innocently.
- “What do you mean ‘experimental teeth whiteners’?”
- >”That’s not important!”
- “What have you been putting in my mouth?”
- >”Well, Twilight was telling me about ponies in pre-Equestrian times using urine and goat milk to-“
- “COLGATE!”
- >”Come on, Anon, that was weeks ago! I’ve moved on to testing some homemade carbamide peroxide solutions. And it’s working! Look at that smile!”
- >She laughs nervously.
- >“No, that’s more of a scowl, Anon. Smile! Like this!”
- >She gives you an adorable smile that would melt your heart under different circumstances.
- >”Don’t be like that!” Colgate pouts. “I want us to die on good terms, Anon.”
- >The intruder has stopped outside your bedroom and is banging heavily against the door, making the whole house shake.
- “You’re right. I forgive you, Colgate.”
- >She throws herself at you and wraps you in a close hug.
- >The door smashes open, and without thinking it through you impulsively kiss Colgate. A strong minty toothpaste flavour fills your mouth and nose, and overwhelms your senses. She kisses you back without hesitation.
- >Somewhere in the middle of the tight embrace, your tongues meet. You feel Colgate’s heart beating rapidly against your chest, either from fear or from pleasure.
- >A moment of mental clarity prompts the question: why are you kissing this psychopath?
- >Because you won’t live to face the consequences.
- >But you’re not being murdered.
- >Why aren’t you being murdered?
- >You pull away from Colgate, who has her eyes shut tight, and look toward the smashed remains of your doorway.
- >The intruder stands there, dramatically illuminated by the lights from the hallway. A grey pegasus with something dark pulled over her head.
- >Wait- you recognize that bubble cutie mark.
- >”H-hello?” Calls out Derpy Hooves, sheepishly. “I got a sock stuck on my head by accident!”
- >You reach out and pull the fabric off of her head, revealing Derpy’s googly eyes and messy yellow mane. “Hi, Anon. Hi, Colgate. I think I broke some stuff.”
- >You can only stare in disbelief.
- >Derpy looks embarrassed. “I’m really sorry. Do you need some help cleaning up?”
- “N-no. Th-that’s okay. Thanks for offering.”
- >”Okay, if you say so. Good night, guys!”
- >Derpy steps over the scraps of wood that used to be your bedroom door, and leaves.
- >You hear more stuff smashing downstairs and another “SORRY!” shouted over it.
- >Your heart drops into your stomach as the weight of what just happened starts to sink in.
- >The pony you just kissed has her eyes locked on you, and is blushing heavily.
- >”Annie, I’m flattered but… I wish we could have waited a bit longer to swap saliva.” Colgate says with a shrug. “The last whitener I tested on you was probably pretty toxic.”
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