"Masterful sci-fi espionage" - The Telegraph

"As you know," began the older boss employer woman, "our universe differs from the reader's in a few key ways, which I will now summarise even though this has nothing to do with our mission briefing/visit to a coffee place. Oh for the love of... main character, are you expressing your individualism and distaste for authority by buying extremely sexy extreme sports gear from over the  encrypted data network/by using magic?"

"It's a very character defining moment," said the protagonist. "It also establishes the encrypted data network/magical equivalent as being a thing, and that's good worldbuilding. So bite me, authority figure who constantly gives me breaks and preferential treatment."

***

"There's no time to explain," his best friend barked urgently. "I can't risk this information falling into the wrong hands."

Main character gritted his teeth. But this was part of the job. If you had too much intel while working in intelligence then nothing could ever happen.

"Fine. " But he wasn't happy about it. "But I'm not happy about it. I expected more from you, best friend. What're you having?" He added, because it turned out they'd been discussing matters of interplanetary security at a busy bar.

"There's no time to explain," his best friend barked urgently. "I can't risk this information falling into the wrong hands."

"Wait, I've suddenly understood the gravity of the situation. Are you, personally, delivering data despite the amazing encrypted data network or the magical contrivance which serves as the same?"

"The thing you just said has been compromised," best friend swallowed nervously, because he'd decided to have a drink after all. "I know I just said I wouldn't explain anything, but we needed a hook."

***

"This is just like a fantasy story or a science-fiction story or something, haha. This thing we're talking about is nothing but a legend, and in saying that I definitely won't have guaranteed that it's real and integral to the plot."

"You're probably right. Let's go back to preparing for the mission by painstakingly discussing the technical specifications of these incredible devices that are simultaneously mundane to us but also worth gushing over."

***

"I do not understand humans," said the elf and/or unfathomably advanced robot god alien, whose infinite intellect encompassed all of humanity's history and collective languages and cultures. "Being human means you are inferior or whatever. Also you use contractions so you are not as smart as I am."

"I really don't like talking to you, and for some reason this is seen as vile space-racism and not a perfectly reasonable response to you constantly being an asshole."

"Even though assisting with your mission would be simplicity itself for someone of my godlike faculties, I will still make you jump through hoops."

"Also it's flat-out gross that the author keeps comparing discrimination against your fictional godlike selves to discrimination against marginalised people in the real world."

"You do not understand the hardship of being a perfect immortal."

***

"In this dangerous career, you succeed, or you fail. And that means you die. Because of the danger." Grizzled mentor raised his shades, revealing that his eyeballs already had built-in shades. "I know all about danger because I used to work for your current employer before the danger drove me away."

"I noticed your magic/robotic arms and legs," said main character, and obviously this hadn't brought this up earlier because it's not a big deal in this supremely crafted setting. "So I believe you when you talk about danger. But I'm still going to go in over my head."

He looked sad, despite his completely unchanging expressionless face, and main character was also sad to defy him. But he didn't understand. If he listened to grizzled mentor he wouldn't be able to take revenge on the old man's killer in the final act.

"I'm sighing," he sighed.

***

"Please stop making jokes," said the elf and/or unfathomably advanced robot god alien, "I think I have already made it very clear that I have got an arbitrary block when it comes to understanding your more flippant modes of speech. Despite my kind being capable of stop-starting the Big Bang. Also you're inferior, I mean you are inferior."

"Fortunately I'm an established character now and so the writer is framing me calling you out for being an asshole as a funny quirk. And seriously. You are such an asshole."

***

"In this dangerous career," the mentor hissed, dying, "you succeed, or you fail." And having uttered the arc words, he used his last strength to do something totally badass but also it was ineffectual enough to leave the protagonist with something to do.

Having done that, he finished dying. He was dead now.

"No! Mentor! Don't die! I have so many questions that I should've asked seven chapters ago! I have so many things I should've told you, such as 'duck, there's obviously a laser sight/hex on you and you're about to get killed'! No! Don't go! NO!"

But it was all wasted words. Because he was dead.

***

"We seem pretty alike," said the elf, "but I don't like humans. But I like you. You're the one good human."

"That's very complimentary and not at all condescending," she said. "I imagine being an elf is just like being gay, in that the author doesn't know how to write either of us."

"I admit, for all my wisdom I didn't know you were gay. Perhaps we should discuss your gayness at great length and detail as a means of showing how sexuality is irrelevant in this setting."

***

"You're betraying me? Or betrayed, past tense, because it seems you might have something to do with the attack that killed my mentor?"

"I don't have a satisfactory reason for this treachery," said his best friend, "and that just bruises your ego all the more, doesn't it? That I literally have no reason to be behaving like this, nor do I have any explanation for this unexpected change to my character's voice. Possibly it was the antagonist who uttered these devastatingly pithy words in the original draft until this more dramatic alternative was found. But I'll revert to type in time for my ambiguous death scene, don't worry buddy. Forsooth."

***

"Your mouth tastes like a mouth," love interest growled, lustily. Then they had strict military sex to relieve the tension of the mission.

***

"Villain?! You killed my grizzled mentor, who was easily the most interesting character!"

"I'm a dull villain and I needed a way to establish my evil!" he laughed, maniacally. "Now readers will loathe me with all their being instead of maybe blaming the author for offing his sole worthwhile creation in a cheap attempt to escalate the threat!" He laughed. "P.S. grizzled mentor was just a bundle of long-suffering everyman clichés interspersed with vagaries about his badass past!"

"Yes but he was very likable! Now there's no need for me to hold back, Villain! Even though there's actually no good reason for me to have been holding back at any point in the story! Man there's a lot of exclamation marks!"

***

"Best friend... you just helped me? So that I could continue the fight? I thought you betrayed me!?"

"There's no time to explain," his best friend barked urgently. "I can't risk this information falling into the wrong hands."

***

"There's no way," said the older boss employer woman in an early setting-establishing moment. "This is the absolute concrete limit of magic or quantum nanotechnology psionics. There's no way to do the thing."

***

"Again, and  I don't care that this is in a different book, there's no way to do this thing. I've told you. It's like the one consistent thing in the setting."

***

"Jesus Christ he did it. Actually Jesus wouldn't have existed in this setting but goddamn I'm just so surprised he did the thing. He totally saved the day by being the sole person in recorded history who was good enough to do the thing."

***

"Your mouth tastes like a mouth," love interest growled, lustily. Then they had strict military sex to celebrate the relief of the tension of the mission.

***

Main character dropped the magic/robotic rose on the grave. He lifted his shades- and now his eyes too had built-in shades. He looked at the camera, because obviously this is going to get a TV adaptation, and said the arc words again.

The camera panned out and holy shit, best friend is secretly watching him with an ambiguous smile. Damn.