Deprestrus -The Rise of Anon El Caballero (Super Retarded)

This story is bad and if you read it you should feel bad.


>Day Cinco de Mayo in Equestria
>It is Deprestrus
>It's like Estrus, but instead of ponies getting extremely horny, they all get extremely depressed.
>So it's not like fucking Estrus at all.
>It's probably to balance out all the happy they're normally shitting out.
>You walk to your house.
>All the mares have converged on it, getting their emo all over your front porch windows.
>You'd feel sad if they haven't been doing this crap for the past three days.
>They snuck into your home just yesterday because you left the backdoor open like a retard. Now all your sheets and towels are ruined because they keep crying into them.

>You are somewhat worried about your roof. It's covered in pegasi, and even though they're very light there is a constant danger of it collapsing.
>They mope about like pigeons who just saw the dog scene in I Am Legend.
>One will occasionally roll over and fall off, hitting the huddling earth p0nies below and setting off a chain reaction of baww.
>You reach your front door. You're forced to pry off a weeping Lyra who's upset because she can't properly operate your door handle with hooves.
"It's not fair, Anon."
>"Yes, tragic. There you go, now shoo." You set her on top of another mare and she buries her face in her hooves.
"I just want to play videogames with you..."
>"I only have one controller Lyra." You step into your home.
>Even more ponies.

>Fluttershy is kneading the small rug you have by the front door.
"Is...is sadness your fetish, Anon?"
>"No Fluttershy, it is not." You roll her up in the carpet and push her aside.
"What ab-abou-about me loving Rarity?"
>"Well that's certainly your own prerogative."
>She sniffles.
"Oh."
>Fucking hell, you need a beer.
>However all the alcohol in your house has been commandeered by the alpha pegasi who are currently perched on your ceiling fans.
>You see rainbow draped over a fan blade, and she's nursing a bottle of Vinyl Scotch.
"Anoooonn."
>"No, Rainbow Dash."
"Just buck me already, Anon. Just...I don't know...put your hand down there for a little while or something. Plleeaaaaseee?"
>"No Rainbow, because if I did that then everyone else would want a turn."
>And you don't want to make that mistake again.

>Rainbow groans loudly and tries to throw the bottle at you.
>It misses completely and instead bounces off the heads of the ponies on the floor. A small scuffle ensues as they fight for possession of the bottle and its remaining contents.
>There are empty bottles everywhere.
>These horses owe you so much money.
>Applejack wuffles up to you and hugs your leg.
"Anon, why don't ya like me?"
>"I told you a thousand times Applejack, I'm only attracted to black girls."
>Twilight perks up.
>"Not you Twilight."
>Her horn shorts out due to her heart breaking.
>This has happened six times so far.
>You grab the hat off of Applejack's head and toss it into the kitchen.
>She immediately starts sobbing and covers her mane with a throw pillow.
>She finds her hat hair horribly embarrassing.


>Your tolerance for this bullshit has reached its limit.
>You don't want to do this...
>Except you totally want to fucking do this.

>You break out your oversized sombrero that has "El Champion" written in big bold letters on it.
>You grab Octavia and rip off some of her mane and glue it to your face, making a shitty handlebar mustache.
>You throw Octavia in the trash.
>You take a deep breathe.
>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpQu5lg9i7Q
>IT'S ANON EL CABALLERO TIME!
>"LA CUCARACHA, LA CUCARACHA!"
>You start kicking wildly, p0nies go sailing all over your livingroom.
>You run along the walls, hitting the switches and turning on the ceiling fans.
>Maximum speed. There are feathers everywhere. Pegasi go flying from the fans and hit the walls with a satisfying "thud!'
"Anon, have you lost your mind?!?!?!?" Rainbow cries out.
>"SI DIOS QUIERE!"
>You pick up Fluttershy, still wrapped up in the rug.
"Orale, 'sta loca."
>You duct tape her to the end of your arm and use Flutterburrito as a club. You exit your house screaming, channeling your inner aztec and start bashing all the p0nies over the head.

>FlutterRam is doing its job amiably.
>You're pretty sure she's dead by now, but who cares, you're lawn is almost clear.
>Now you just have to take care of the roof.
>You aim Flutterito at your roof like you're samus from Metroid.
>Fucking hell, you love Metroid.
>You change your hand inside the rug to match the Plasma Beam Symbol, shoving it inside Fluttercannon's ass.
>She's so overcome with shock she's launched out of the rug like a missile.
>She hits your roof.
>It explodes in thousands of pegasi, flapping away and crapping all over your house in fear and marejooses
>Fluttershy is dead.
>This is the best Deprestrus ever.

>You throw El Champion to the ground
>You show them the dance of your people
>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYo0SDa7Bc0&feature=related
>Rainbow Dash bursts from your door.
>She mad.
"Anon, you have no idea how important Deprestrus is to us! We need to get these stupid emotions out of our system or else THINGS GET REALLY BAD...."
>Little did you know, if p0nies can't get sad, they get mad.
>All the ramaining p0nies turn red and start attacking you.
>Hooves, Hooves everywhere. Like rain in a thunderstorm.
>But nothing can stop The Dance.
>You bob and weave and yell "PINCHE TU MADRE!" while they hurt themselves in their attempts to down you.
>Celestia knows what you're doing, at it right pisses her off, but she can't do anything because she starts cutting during Deprestrus.
>Nobody knows what Luna is up to because nobody cares about her.


>Applejack charges you
>You pull a revolver out of your ass and spin it for thirty minutes straight.
>"The Colt Single Action Army!"
>It fires actual colts.
>"Six bullets."
>You spin it for nother thirty minutes.
>"More than enough to kill anything that moves."
>Half Life 2 Episode 3 is released.
>"Now you'll see why they call me re-"
>She bucks you in the nuts.
>"You're...pretty good." You groan before collapsing on the ground, cradling your frijoles.

>So there you are, on the ground, huevos in hand
>The music is still playing in your head.
>Applejack is now wearing her Stetson hat and El Champion.
>You start to cry, despite your self.
>The p0nies slowly come back.
>You find yourself being dragged back into the depths of your home. You try to fight back, but holy shit, your nuts.
>It's like you have a black hole in your gut and you can't get out of the fetal position. You're pulled onto your bed with no resistance and p0nies everywhere pile on top of you.
>Celestia and Luna join in.
>Rainbow positioned herself over your hand.
>You can't escape.
>Somep0ny started fucking around with your computer and now 'I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues' and 'Amarillo by Morning' are stuck on repeat.
>Deprestrus resumes as normal.
>This is still better than last year.