dear kate

I'm not posting any personal information or account information other than a first name that's pretty common if this gets deleted for that or some pretense that this is a suicide note or whatever I'm sorry if this comes off this way in advance it really isn't meant to be like that.

Dear Kate

I'm sorry for attempting to contact you and I'm sorry to intrude.
I'm dying dood.
I just wanted to give you this stupid cheque for 20k that our government thought was appropriate compensation for being permanently disfigured and disabled.

As you know I got car jacked and beaten with an extendable baton to the point where my skull penetrated my brain causing seizures a severe traumatic brain injury and a 2 week coma.

You visited me in the hospital and gave me tissues when I cried and said I wanted to die. You also told me having epilepsy after what happened was livable that plastic surgery would make me look okay again and many other really kind things.
You did all of this while subwaying and bussing for an hour to get to the hospital in the worst snow storms our city's had in a decade. Sometimes my parents couldn't even visit me on those days but you showed up.

I'm scum I know that.
And I know my apologies don't matter.
And I hurt you bad.
And I'm not trying to apologize by giving you this money. I know you don't even consider it a lot of money. And I know it isn't anyway.
And I know you probably don't even want the money.

I'm so sorry if you're in another relationship or living at a different place and you find this creepy or intrusive.
I tried to just mail the cheque to your old address without a note or anything just a message to say cash it and thanks but it hasn't been cashed.

I don't want to contact your sister and e-interact it to her. For some reason I get worried she won't give you the money but I think that's stupid and that she will. But I'd rather try this method first.
I don't want to go and pay a lawyer and write a will and disturb my family even more into thinking I'll die tomorrow.
I don't want to get cut off my disability and end up spending that money to buy medication and pay for therapies that would otherwise be covered by my disability payment. It's basically like baby boomers in the government giving me a small amount of money just to take it all back for themselves and pretend they did something heroic.
I don't have anyone else to give this to except a complete stranger or charity.
I did that once before you know. After I got arrested and was really manic because jail was so hosed I gave a taxi driver 3000 dollars one night and he wept in the cab telling me he was going to give it to his family in another country.
That girl that accused me sent me an email this summer saying she was sorry and that it was all made up. That she hadn't want me to go to jail or have a criminal record. That her friend had called it in. But we both knew that because I had interviewed with the police without a lawyer I had given them an easy to manipulate case even without her testimony so it was pushed forward. It wasn't my kid btw. I was a loaded gun of trust issues when we were together. And though I had waited 3 years before trying to date seriously again. I still hosed up terribly.

I'm not trying to guilt you but please just take the stupid cheque if you have it and cash it. Or send me an email that you use for e-interact and I'll try to wire the money that way. You still have my email.

I don't know how wills work. I don't know if just your name is enough to transfer my assets or if I need something like a sin number or some other type of identification. I don't want to rush my death either. I guess I'll check out writing a will tomorrow not that there'll be anything left to give once I get kicked off disability and spend this criminal injury compensation cheque on paying for stuff that my disability should be paying for.

Anyway about me dying.
I've got tachycardia that isn't responding to any beta blocker, time, anything. Because of this I get dizzy and I fall a lot. I'm an insomniac. I always feel like my hearts going to explode and have a constant painful tightness in my chest. I'm even advised to not take the beta blockers because of past drug usage but my resting heart rate is so high I was prescribed various different ones just to see if any would help. They didn't.
From what I've heard something called my vagus nerve is completely hosed from the tbi so my resting heart rate even lying in bed is the upper 140s to 150 and when i stand i can hit 160+ let alone exercise. I always feel out of breath like I've just run a race but I can't calm my heart down. This plus the seizures make me wish I was dead. It's a situation where it's seems like if I don't get a worse tbi from falling and hitting my head from a seizure it will be from fainting or maybe if I'm lucky I'll die of a heart attack and that will be it. So it's really a constant roll of the dice that isn't getting better. In fact my resting heart rate keeps going up because I can't exercise to get my vagus nerve going again as it's pretty much damaged beyond repair. And they say I'll have my license again in a few months. I'd rather beaten to a inch of my life again than get behind the wheel of a car have a seizure and kill someone innocent.

I've got to be honest. I'm ready to die.
I'm ready to go it doesn't bother me at all except for the pain its going to cause people around me. That I won't be able to take care of daisy or gato anymore. That I can barely take care of them now and they're losing out.
But still death feels like almost a reward instead of sitting here half dead and disfigured all the time.
(and yes gato and daisy still play fight daily. except its more vicious and ends up with one of them yelping. and gato has never learned how to hiss she growls like a dog).

I don't know why doctors feel the need to play necromancer and bring back the obviously already dead that have a 2% chance of living and a 100% chance of returning disabled with severe brain damage. A higher chance to live as a 5 year old autistic kid in a wheelchair than a normal life. To live in pain torture and disability, alone, unable to do anything. And they call this a medical success and celebrate it because they denied you the dignity of death.

You said your friend Phil told you that I deserved what happened to me and I did.
You can use this money to go on a long vacation with him, or your boyfriend, or save it, go shopping, or do anything, build a huge terrarium for your hedgehog, get him a girlfriend hog anything you want it's your money. You're not going to be in trouble for cashing a cheque sent to you. It's not a will and you aren't my spouse so you don't have to worry about things like inheriting debt (though I have none) or talking to a lawyer or my family.

I cry about Claude being dead a lot still. It's been a year and I'm still hosed over it. I've gone to therapy so much for my issues over our breakup, Claude, my future, my past. 5-7 therapists a day in brain rehab even though I didn't really need cognitive skill brain rehab so it changed to general counselling and I did that for 3 weeks. I go to a counselor now that typically deals with surprise sex victims and people with TBI. None of this has fixed me. None of the medications I've tried have fixed me. I don't really want to be drugged into being content at this point. I just want to rest.

I'm so sorry I'm writing this here I hope it doesn't embarrass you if you even still post here or read these things. I'm so sorry I hosed up.

I hope you've moved on and are with a great guy that you love.
Before I got car jacked the last thing I wrote you was that there's a great guy out there for you. That that other guy who also posted on FYAD was a better guy cooler guy than me and would be a better boyfriend than I was. But when I woke up from that coma I was completely hosed. It was liking going back in time to when we were together. I didn't remember ever being happy for you moving on or writing it. I couldn't say the best thing to say when you asked me serious questions. I couldn't say what I wanted to say. I'm sorry for all of that.

I told you at the hospital once when you were walking with me through the maternity ward that I had been taken out of the breeding pool. That I wouldn't have another a girlfriend again. That people with TBI's have a 90% divorce rate. My therapist has told me to call you many times and so have other people but I never did till I got this stupid cheque. I never called till recently because I hoped and I somehow know you've moved on and that's only a good thing. I don't want to be a burden. And even if you called me and said you wanted to be my friend or just to talk I wouldn't want to. I'm sorry you ended up in this situation having to deal with this bullshit. It's my fault. I hope your mdd is gone. And I hope you're happy and in love with whoever you're with.

And if you do read this I hope you cash that cheque so I don't have to write a will or try to give it to your sister. I know you hate money as much as I do but this is free gently caress you to baby boomer draculas and the government money.

SA posters don't fill this thread with comments saying you'll take the cheque, or for me to kill myself, or asking why I can't spend the money on myself, other bullshit k thx.

I hope this thread doesn't get auto deleted. And I hope you read it Kate and that money leaves my bank account in the next few days.