RIP C. Martin Croker

I write this as a different person than I was 2 days ago.

I am destroyed and will never be the same.

Because so many have asked I wanted to explain what happened to my dearest Clay. I will not talk of this again here.

For the past 3 years not a week has gone by when I was not with Clay or messaging with him. He was my heart. Even when we had disagreements he messaged me to see if I was okay. Saturday, he was talkative and loving. We went to Ru San's to eat sushi as we had done a thousand times before. Then to the bookstore. While there he began to feel sick. I turned around and could not find him and shortly after realized he had gone out to the car. I quickly rushed him home as he began to throw up. I put him in the bed and begged him to let me call an ambulance. He would not agree.

I stayed with him for the next 2.5 hours, holding his hair back and putting a wet towel on his head. He began to feel better and we decided it must be food poisoning. We talked about so many things during that time. Friends, new exciting work and our relationship. We laughed and kidded each other.

He asked me to get something for indigestion at the store and I needed to bring my car back. So foolishly, I left for less than an hour to do this and returned quickly. The last thing he said was "How long will you be gone? Come right back. I need you here."

When I returned Clay was on the floor unconscious. I did CPR until the ambulance arrived and they pronounced him. This cannot be happening.

I regret leaving for those few minutes, I regret the ups and downs we sometimes had. But we always came back together and made it work. My saving grace is that we told each other often that we loved each other. We said it without hesitation and with a hint of a smile. We said it this day.

Clay loved his fans and friends so much. I heard so many stories about so many of you...I felt I knew you. He tonight would be sitting at his computer in awe, being humble and so very thankful for all the love that you have given him.

I do not know how I will go on. Safe travels my love. We will meet again one day.