diary entry 5

Dear diary,

Do I stay? Or do I run for my life and never look back?

The closer I look, the more I understand that the plane is in turmoil underneath the surface.

Something is coming, and the embodiment of their law is nowhere to be seen. I don’t understand why they even need an embodiment of law as a living, breathing person, but it’s apparently what kept order on this plane, and his disappearance is hurting everyone and everything.

I meant what I said before. The whole multiverse is hurting. And to know how much suffering there is out there besides the flux of my home plane hurts me. I still haven’t even found home, and consciously I know I need to take care of that first.

But I smelled the sickness in the oil of that metallic plane.

I heard the ravaged groans of the abused dead and dying in the land where it rains teeth.

I saw the destruction caused by the bearer of those horns on the desert plane.

I tasted my own blood in a brawl against the feeders of a tyrant.

Being run down by those feeders and those survivors of the horn-bearer made me ashamed of what I am, and scared to show myself to the world. But as angry as I am with her, my sister’s words still rattle in my head. I know what she would say to me. Anyone who judges me for wings and tail alone isn’t worth my time. I should be proud of what I am. Consciously, I know that. I can’t help what’s wrong with my brain though, and my brain says that I am a being of shame that should hate herself.

I’ve always maintained I’m not fit to rule and maybe not fit to exist.

All I want is to share my music with the world, and I can’t do that if people won’t give me the time of day for what I look like. Maybe she is right. Maybe I should start disregarding them. I don’t need them in my life, right? They won’t like me no matter what I do. But it’s harder to start thinking that way than it sounds.

But none of that matters if I can’t even come to a decision on what to do here. I can’t just become the man that’s been missing for so long, even though this plane desperately needs its leader back. I haven’t been able to find my way home and this is the closest I’ve gotten.

I know I have a friend out in the multiverse who I can track down if I need to run away. They taught me how to properly follow aether trails, and it’s made reaching out for home that much easier. I still haven’t found it, but if I follow the trails, maybe I can find someone who can lead me home. And failing that, I can run back to the Academy. I know where that is.

But I still feel that pull to help people. I still feel that dark rumbling in my soul that something is coming. The plane is going to be moved to war. And who knows if I’ll be able to get away then? Is there anything that can stop a planeswalker coming and going? Knowing my luck, yes, and it’s on its way here and I’ll be trapped.

Without the wizard in the bubbles.

Without my friend.

Without anything. Not even my sister.

It turns out someone did notice my coming and going so often and came to investigate. He was so static-y that it made my fur poof up, and he was dressed pretty extra on a plane full of people who dress like they’re from Invictus’ fashion scene. He didn’t even look old, but there were gray streaks through his hair anyway. I didn’t even know it was possible that someone could detect where I was going and when I was going there, but maybe it explained the thunder I heard every time I came back.

He looked me up and down, looked at my tiny apartment and asked me why I was leaving the plane and returning so much. I told him I was trying to find my way home, and he told me to keep my nose clean, and then left. That sense of dread came back again. I hope he isn’t working with any mind readers. I’m not even doing anything malicious but the fact that anyone is watching makes me nervous.  I like it here, but I don’t like being known about at a time like this.

I don’t know what’s going to go down, but if something happens to me, then I hope some other planeswalker finds this book and knows where Chrontomus is, so they can tell my people what became of me.