Summer's Gone (Suzu route Act 4-7)

Summer's Gone


A series of sharp banging noises drag me from my slumber, I remember that I exist and I'm alive and...  and I'm in bed. Oh, what I would give to hold on to that last one.

Well. All three of them, I guess. I groan in protest, the morning light is a dull red glow against my eyelids, this is, no. Noo. I root around blindly, emergency procedure is as follows: find pillow, apply to face. There... done. But the banging continues.

I knew that, once we returned to Yamaku,  it would be hard to settle back into the mode of getting up earlier for class, if... if I was ever really in that mode to begin with. But something about this just feels wrong, it's got to be way too early. Miki, please no.

The knocking doesn't stop. I lift the pillow away, raising my head and begging for only five more minutes, but my plea goes ignored. Normally by now, if she had wanted to come in, Miki would have used her key, why... why doesn't she use her. Why hasn't. Why hasn't she done that?

It's no use. I open my bleary eyes, crawl to the side of the bed and slide out and onto the floor. The landing is a bit... it's a bit rougher than I was expecting, why is--no, more knocking, no more knocking please. I get to my feet and stagger over to the door, I know it's the first day of classes resuming but Miki what is the big deal, oh villain, villain, smiling, damned vill--

But it's not my dark-skinned best friend waiting for me on the other side of the door. It's not even just one person, it's two, and they're not smiling, they're both staring at me with looks of complete shock.

“Su... Suzuki?” Misha sputters, her eyes wide. Next to her, Shizune's hands hang limply at her sides, her mouth has fallen open.

I suddenly remember that I'm wearing nothing more than a plain t-shirt and panties. Well, and a knee brace. With something between a small shriek and a squeal I grab the door and pull it closed until I'm staring at the two of them through only a crack, my face is on fire.

“W-what are you doing here?” I mumble. Student council, outside my door, at some ungodly hour in the morning. Why? Why?

“What are YOU doing here, Suzuk... Suuchan~?” Misha invents the term on the spot, that's... great, another nickname, just what I need. But what does she... and now Shizune looks like she's regained her senses enough to look outraged, why...

Blinking heavily, I crane my neck to glance back at the room behind me. The walls are boring and plain, the floor is clean, the... the curtains, they're ugly.

Oh.

Right.

“I can explain.” I turn back to the two girls in the hall, but Shizune is looking away, mouth twisted in a pouting frown as she shoves an envelope towards me. Without thinking, I reach through the crack in the door and take it, pulling it back to me while keeping the door between us as if it were all that stood between me and absolute terror. It just might be.

Misha's laugh booms through the halls of the girls'... no, the boys' dormitory, she crosses her arms in front of her, grinning widely.

“Welcome back to school, Suuchan~!” She nearly shouts as the two of them turn to go. “Hope you had a nice break~”

Shizune gives me a look that says this is not even close to being over and I swallow hard, but they make their retreat. I peek my head out the door, watching their hands dance back and forth as they walk down the hallway. It actually takes a good minute or two for Misha's occasional bursts of laughter to cease.

In the sudden quiet, I can hear the sound of the shower running, just a little further down the hall. No, that's right, I...

I remember now. Closing the door, I stumble back to the bed--Hisao's bed--and collapse onto it, taking care not to crush the envelope in my hand. I want to know what the heck this thing is, but first things first, I...

I do, I remember. After that day with... with the painting, and my parents. I felt better being in my own house than I had for a long, long time. We spent the rest of the week together, as a family. Well, and Hisao. I know he had a hand in my parents finding me there, I know he went to get them. He told them there was something they needed to see.

I think, the more time I spend around Hisao, the more grateful I am to be with him. So the last few days of the break were good, I slept sound, slept well, and I clung to him every night not out of need, or... or not that kind of need anyway, but I curled up next to him and I was glad. Glad to be with him, and glad that he wanted to be with me.

And then when he had to head home to gather up his things before going back to school, I fell asleep in the middle of saying goodbye at the station. But it was okay, because I knew I would see him again when I got back to Yamaku, and I did. And then, well, this happened and now I'm here and... who's Iwanako?

Still plopped down face-first on the bed, I hold the letter in front of me, trying to study it while still blinking. It's... pretty, I guess. Neat, delicate handwriting, colorful design, addressed to Hisao, of course. I'm... I'm intensely curious. Or I would be, if I wasn't also intensely sleepy. Intent on sleeping. My eyes close on their own, my hand sinks to the bed. Five more minutes.


My second awakening of the day is much nicer than the first. I feel a hand on my shoulder gently shaking me, sleep retreats and I raise my still-heavy head to be greeted by the sight of Hisao. He's already dressed but still has a towel draped over his head and he... he smells amazing. I can't help but smile up at him and he returns it, it's still somewhat early in the morning but if the student council always do things that early, I don't know if he would have survived joining them, way back when. I know I wouldn't.

“Good morning.” He says, reaching up to finish drying his hair. When he removes the towel, that single lock immediately returns to standing position but he doesn't seem to notice, I stare at it for a few long moments before looking back into those warm brown eyes.

I want to say there's no such thing as a good morning, but this... it's not so bad, not with him here. “Morning.” I mumble, still smiling.

His gaze lowers. “What's that?” He asks, gesturing to the envelope that I still hold in one hand. Oh, that. I mean, I mean this. I suck in a deep breath as I sit up, stretching my shoulders.

“It's for you.” I say, holding it up. Hisao takes it gingerly, cocking his head to one side.

“How'd this get here?” He asks, his expression immediately stiffening as he looks it over.

“Magic.” I mumble, pressing my knees together as I dangle my legs over the side of the bed.

“Huh?” Hisao glances back at me. I frown and look way, the memory of earlier this morning causing a blush to creep back into my cheeks.

“Magic!” I insist, feeling my face begin to burn. In fact, I'm... I'm still not wearing very much, I rest my hands in my lap as I try to remember where my skirt could be hiding.

Hisao sits on the bed next to me, his brow furrowed as he works to open the envelope. When he succeeds, he pulls out a sheet of paper, adorned with images of sunflowers and fields, and written on in bright pink pen.

My heart sinks a little as he glances at me, but I know it's only fair. Judging from his face, this is probably something important, something he wasn't expecting to see.

“Do you want me to go?” I ask, beginning to search around again for the rest of my clothes. This isn't even my shirt, it's one of his, I was wearing my uniform yesterday.

“I...” Hisao frowns, he looks conflicted. I'm here for him, he knows that by now. But this is something that he might want to face on his own. He falls silent as he begins to read the letter, the moments stretch on and on. A strained quiet settles in, even as I can hear the sounds of the rest of the school coming to life all around us.

I slide off the bed, hunting down my clothes and changing back into my uniform. I try not to feel hurt, I don't have a right to be upset.

Hisao deserves to choose whether he wants to share this with me or not, after all, I refused to share my problems with him for a long time. I ran away, I changed the subject, I played them off as nothing. I don't have a right to be hurt, so... so stop it, I command myself. Stop feeling like that, stop feeling bad.

“Wait.” Hisao calls, just as I'm reaching for the door. “Suzu, wait.”

I turn around. He still looks uneasy, but he motions for me to join him and I do, I sit down beside him on the bed. Hisao glances at the letter one more time before coming to a decision. He lets out a long sigh but then he smiles at me, it's a little weak. But it's a smile nonetheless.

“Suzu,” he begins.

“Hi.” I reply with a wave. His smile kicks up a notch. He's definitely having trouble with this, but after all the things in my past that we've dredged up, all the parts of me that he's seen, I more than want to return that favor, and I think he knows that. He starts again, I'm not going to interrupt him this time.

“This letter is from... well, I guess you could call her my ex-girlfriend.” He says slowly. I remember him mentioning something about that before, when we were apart during the break, but he didn't go into detail and I was too tired to think too much into it. That's not a problem now, though. I... I hope this isn't a problem.

“Should I be jealous?” I ask, tilting my head to one side and giving him a playfully inquisitive stare. He chuckles.

“No, I really don't think you should.” Hisao's expression grows distant, he looks like he's sorting through old memories. But then he continues where he left off.

“She was a girl that I liked, at my old school. One day, she confessed to me and...”

Months ago, when we first met, he probably would have been grimacing as he said these words. He'd be struggling, and more than likely, he'd be bitter. The first time he ever told me about his condition, he'd acted like a man coming forward with his sins, or on his deathbed. Maybe he even felt like he was. But he doesn't feel that way now.

No, he doesn't, he closes his eyes once, exhales through his nose, and then looks back to me.

“...She confessed to me, and I had a heart attack.” He shakes his head, he smiles.

I laugh for a moment but instantly regret it, even though he doesn't look angry at all. He's still smiling, but...

“Wait.” I blink at him, feeling terrible. “You're serious.”

“Yup.”

“Wow.” I breathe, staring down at my lap again.

“Here.” Hisao hands me the letter. “See for yourself.”

“Are you sure?” I ask meekly, but he nods.

“Fair's fair. Besides,” he manages a grin. “I already made sure there weren't any scandalous parts.”

I let out a little laugh. Okay, Hisao. Okay.

I want to know more about you. If this is part of your past and you want to share it, then of course I'm here, of course I'm willing to listen. Or read, I guess.

I look down at the first page of the letter.

“Dear Hisao. How are you? I hope you are well and happy at your new school...”

“...The mood among the third-years seems to be very anxious about the final exams, even though they are so far away. The teachers are badgering us about it all the time...”

“...I think things like that are the main reason why the mood among the third-years is so nervous.” I crack a smile at that, so it's... so it's not just me who's worried. I can see Hisao studying me out of the corner of my eye, but I continue reading. There's a few more lines of small talk, but then the letter cuts to the chase.

“There are other things I want to say. I'm writing to you because I felt that there are things I should've said after the incident back in winter.” My pulse begins to quicken. The incident. So that must... that must be his heart attack?

“The truth is, the times when I visited you at the hospital made me worried about you. I am not talking about your health. You seemed to become more distant and disheartened.” Ha, dis... disheartened. I glance over at Hisao and he stares back, his expression is melancholy again, like some blend of pain and nostalgia, but he gives me another smile.

I have a feeling that things are about to get worse, but I manage to smile back before continuing to read, my eyes dart back and forth across the page in front of me.

“It was natural after something like that happened, I'm sure, but somehow I got the feeling that you had given up on something back then.”

“Happiness, maybe?” The words almost stop me in my tracks, they're... well, they're not exactly familiar. But what she's describing is.

I know what she means. I think I would agree, back when he first walked into my classroom, Hisao certainly looked like someone who had given up.

I'm... I'm sure I probably looked the same way, last year, the first time I was able to crawl back to class.

The letter continues. “I wanted to somehow express my feelings, but the right words didn't come to me.”

“I couldn't say anything to comfort you. I am really sorry for not being able to support you when it mattered the most, even though I like you so much. At least now, finally, I can be more honest.”

I'm grimacing softly now, not because someone else is talking about liking my boyfriend. That's not what's bothering me.

It's that Hisao was alone.

He was stuck in a hospital bed for who knows how long, recovering from what was probably the most terrifying and painful thing in his life, and he, he was--

He was all alone.

I want to look up at Hisao, I want to see his face now, but I force myself to keep going.

“If I could go back to those quiet days in February and March, I'd tell you not to give up on yourself.”

My free hand begins patting the space beside to me on the bed, searching instinctively. The next moment, I'm holding Hisao's hand, he grips mine gently but I still don't look up.

“That's what I would say. Maybe you wouldn't have drifted so far away if I had just said something. I hope you've managed to get back on your feet on your own.”

The letter ends with an invitation for him to respond, but I know she doesn't mean it. It's not an angry message, or anything like that, it's something to give both of them closure. That's my impression, at least.

Now that I'm done reading, I finally look up, I look over at Hisao and he's staring back at me, watching my reaction. The morning light bathes both him and our surroundings in a bright glow, but...

“I'm sorry.” I mumble, unable to keep from frowning.

“Don't be.” He says softly.

“But you were in the hospital and you, you were all by yourself and--”

“I got better.” He says, giving me one of his warm smiles. I... I love those.

His smiles. And him.

“It took me a long time to recover, inside and out. And it's true that I never expected to hear from her again.” He nods to himself as he says it, he looks like he's come to a conclusion, and now he's speaking to himself almost as much as to me.

“Suzu, a girl confessed to me and I had a heart attack. I spent four months in the hospital.” Hisao continues, looking straight at me. “But I can't live in the past.”

“I have too much going for me here, in the present.” He whispers. He reaches forward to gently stroke the side of my face and I close my eyes. I lean my head into his hand, wanting even more of his touch.

I get my wish. A moment later he leans forward and plants a gentle kiss on my lips, but then he retreats. I open my eyes to see him gazing at me.

“I'm not the person that letter was written for, not anymore.”

“You didn't give up.” I manage a smile. “And even if you did--”

“I won't do it again.” He says softly. “Not if you don't.”

I chuckle weakly, so you... you were thinking it too, huh?  Hisao, are you really okay with this?

I don't know, I don't know if he's come so far that he can put his past behind him this easily. But maybe he has, and I have to believe him, I have to take his word.

“We're not so different, you and I.” I mumble. I don't want to imagine him back there, lying in a hospital bed and growing cold and distant. I'm... I'm happy that he seems so much better now, I'm happy that I have him here with me and that I might have been able to help him come back alive again. Just like he's done for me.

Hisao raises an eyebrow, still wearing one of his smiles. “I don't think that's Shakespeare.”

It's not, but that doesn't matter now. “Shows what you know.” I retort, scooting a little closer to him until our shoulders touch. I beg another kiss and he complies, this one is longer than the first and I'm glad.

When we part, I reach over to pick up the letter and hand it back to Hisao, he doesn't look uneasy anymore. I don't know whether he was fine before, whether reading it was something he needed or not, but now, he seems to be at peace with its contents.

I don't want to bring up old memories, but if he's really all right with it, I can't help but wonder...

“What was she like?” I ask.

“Who, Iwanako?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “Was she cute?”

“Hmm...” He brings one hand to his chin, staring into space for a moment and taking on a thoughtful air.

“You know what? I don't really remember.”  He says, looking back at me.

“Good answer.” I reply with a wink. Hisao rolls his eyes.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” I whisper. I close my eyes and lean towards him, resting my head on his shoulder as his hand finds mine again. I'm glad you asked me to stay, Hisao. I'm glad you told me, thank you for telling me.

We don't say anything else for a while longer, I just soak up the morning sun as I enjoy his presence, his warmth. I know we need to get up. I know we need to go to class. But I need him a lot more than either of those.



I'd probably be okay with staying here all morning, but the beginning of the school day is rapidly approaching. We say goodbye and I manage to get back to the girls' dorms with just enough time to take a shower. Miki is moving a little slow today and I certainly can't blame her, when I arrive she's only just dragging herself down the hall to knock on my door and wake me up. Her surprise quickly gives way to mischievous curiosity when she sees me, and I'm okay with that, as long as it means no more banging on doors today.

I may not be a star student, but it still feels really good to be around so many familiar faces, to see all the other students walking across the grounds. It's... it's like the day before the break but in reverse, people are greeting eachother, talking about the things they did over their vacation, showing off new tans or pictures of their adventures. Miki fills me in on the latest gossip as we make our way through the halls and up the stairs, and I can't keep this smile off my face. Some people seem like they were probably dragged back to Yamaku kicking and screaming, but I'm really glad to be back at school, I'm even glad to be back in this same old classro--

This... this same old...

There's a sheet of paper sitting on my desk. It looks innocent enough, but when I take a few steps closer and look down, it's like staring into the face of an old opponent. I feel limp, I feel numb as I reach down and pick it up.

I stare at the rows of questions, the little bubbles for me to rate ideas on a scale of one to five, but there's no space for not applicable, not applicable, not applicable.

“Suzu?” Leaning on me, Miki peers over my shoulder. “Didn't we do that like two months ago?”

“Something like that.” I mumble. The rest of the class did, but I never filled it out, I... I ran away to the nurse's office. Back then, it managed to follow me, but I still escaped. Was I stupid, to think I could forget about it? To think I could just keep going like this and not have to worry about the future?

Do we have to fill these out, in order to graduate? What about our classes, are they going to start getting faster and more difficult and I won't have any idea how to--

“Hey.” Miki gives me a light slap on the back. My eyes refocus on the paper in front of me, I tear them away to look at her.

She gives me a bright grin, looking far too cheerful for someone who's awake at a reasonable hour for a change and about to be subjected to a day of grueling lectures after a month of freedom.

“Just make something up.” Miki says with a wink. “That's what I did. Don't stress about something like this.”

I open my mouth to protest, what if something even worse happens because of that, but behind her, the door to the classroom opens again and Hisao walks through... flanked on either side by Shizune and Misha. He looks a little uncomfortable but still in one piece, maybe they just found him straggling and brought him here, instead of taking him on a tour of their dungeon. The one in the basement. The existence of which I have yet to prove, but at this rate I just might get to see it for myself.

The three of them look at us, look at me. Misha smiles and waves, for a moment Shizune eyes me like a cat trying to decide if it should eat the mouse in front of it or just kill it, but her expression softens to a neutral, analytical stare when she sees my face.

Misha might be oblivious but Hisao doesn't miss it, he escapes from the pair and walks over to us.

“Are you okay? What's that?” He asks, looking at me with a mix of curiosity and concern. Miki shrugs, she probably thinks I'm just being silly and, and I probably am, but she wants to let me answer and I'm grateful. I feel like grimacing, I feel like panicking but I close my eyes for just a brief moment,

Here we go, here we are, we're back at school. I... I survived summer vacation, and I made it back here. I open my eyes, now Miki and Hisao are both watching me. Mutou staggers through the door looking like he would replace the blood in his veins with coffee if he could, that probably means the bell is going to ring soon. I should say something, I need to say something.

I might have been sinking before, but I find purchase in those warm brown eyes, only a few feet away from me. Hisao. I guess we both kind of got an unexpected reminder today. Of his past and... and of my future.

But he was able to put all that behind him, and thanks to him and Miki and my parents, I'm starting to get there too. And Miki, she isn't even worried, or at least, not about the little things. She's living in the present, and I want to be more like her, right? I don't want to feel scared and worry all the time now that I'm back here at school, now that I'm back with my friends.

I can't give up. I have to try. For Hisao, and for everyone else who has helped me come this far.

“It's a career survey.” I finally speak up, trying to keep my tone neutral. Hisao is nodding now.

“That's right, I remember. Didn't those go around a while back, though?”

I manage a weak smile. “I'm... not really good at things like this.” I say, remembering the times both he and my parents threw college applications and brochures at me, remembering that mess of a workshop, those few weeks ago.

From the look on his face, Hisao is starting to remember too. But the last student slinks through the door just as the bell rings, and there's no more time to talk. Miki drops into her seat with an exasperated groan, no doubt dreading the return to classwork and groupwork and homework, but Hisao stands there for a few more moments, he looks me in the eye. I stare back, this is... this is kind of like old times, but our teacher clears his throat, people are probably watching us now.

I motion for him to go, I give him a smile that I hope is a little more convincing than my last one, and I hope I mean it, too. Go on, Hisao, I'm only a few desks away from you. I'm not going anywhere.

Not right now, at least.