tommy

<Scene:  An office with a desk and two chairs,
 one on each side of the desk.  On the visitors
 side sits a man in glasses.  This is Mr.
 Perkins.  Rowan (a school headmaster) enters
 from the back carrying a tea set.  During the
 following conversation he prepares a cup for
 himself and his visitor>

HEADMASTER: Well now Mr. Perkins, it was good
of you to come in.  I realize that you are a
busy man but I don’t think this matter
could be discussed over the electric telephone.

PERKINS: No, no absolutely headmaster.   I mean,
if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I
 want to nip it in the bud.

HEADMASTER:  Well, quite frankly,  Tommy is in
trouble.  Recently his behavior has left a great
deal to be desired.

PERKINS: Oh dear.

HEADMASTER:He seems to take no interest in
school life WHAT-so-ever.  He refuses to muck
in on the sports field.  And its weeks since
any master has received any written work from him.

PERKINS:Dear me.

HEAD:  Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he wasn’t
dead I’d have him expelled.

<long pause as Headmaster sits down and sips his
tea.  Perkins looks up.>

PERKINS:I beg your pardon?

HEAD: Yes! Expelled!  If I wasn’t making allowances
for the fact that your son is dead, he’s be out on
his ear.

PERKINS: He’s dead?

HEAD: Yes... he’s lying up in the sick bay now.
Stiff as a board and bright green.
And it’s very typical of his current attitude.

PERKINS: <shocked> But...

<Headmaster stands up and moves behind Perkins>

HEADMASTER:You see, the boy has no sense of
moderation. One moment he’s flying around like
a paper kite and the next moment he’s completely
immovable.  And beginning to smell.

PERKINS: Well, how did he die?!?!

HEADMASTER: Is that important?

PERKINS:<incredulous> Yes, I think so!

HEADMASTER: Well, it’s all got to do with
the library you see.
We’ve had a lot of trouble recently with boys
taking out library books without library cards.
Your son was caught and I administered a
beating, during which he died.  But you’ll
be glad to know the ring leader was caught,
so I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble
with library discipline.  You see, the library
card system...

<Headmaster sits down, mid lecture and picks
up one of the library cards>

PERKINS: Wait... I’m sorry....  You BEAT my
son to death?

HEADMASTER: Yes, Yes.  So it would seem.
Please, I’m not used to being interrupted.  You see,
the library card system was introduced....

PERKINS:Well, exactly what happened?

HEADMASTER: Well, apparently the boys
were just slipping into the library and
TAKING the books.

PERKINS:No, during the beating!

HEADMASTER: Oh, that.  Well, one moment
he was bending over; the next he was
lying down...

PERKINS: DEAD?!

HEADMASTER: Ummm... deadish.  Mr. Perkins,
I find  this rather morbid fascination with your
son’s death quite disturbing.

<stands up and puts down the card, walking
back around behind Perkins>

HEADMASTER: What I am talking about is his
attitude, and quite frankly I can see where
he gets it from.

PERKINS:Well, did you have to beat him to death?!?!

HEADMASTER: Well it was perfectly obvious to
me the first day here, I fear.  I wondered
then as I wonder now if he hadn’t turned
out a very different boy indeed if you had
administered a few fatal beatings early on.

<Perkins removes his glasses and stands up,
looking as if he is about to "get medieval"
on the Headmaster>

PERKINS: Are you MAD?!?!

HEADMASTER: I’m furious!  In order to accommodate
the funeral,I’ve had to cancel afternoon school on
 Wednesday!

<a bell rings and the headmaster moves to the door>

PERKINS: This is preposterous!

HEADMASTER: Yes it is.  Or at least it would be...
if it were true.

PERKINS: WHAT?!?!

HEADMASTER: I’ve been joking, Mr. Perkins.
Pardon me, its my strange academic sense of humor.
I’ve been pulling your leg.

<Mr. Perkins sighs with relief>

HEADMASTER: I wouldn’t cancel afternoon school to
bury that little shit!