[12:20:23 AM] *** Call ended, duration 33:37 ***
[12:24:14 AM] X: Did I say something?
[12:24:56 AM] X: You already go to bed?
[12:24:57 AM] X: =/
[12:25:26 AM] Faenix: I just want to be able to do something for you. And I get so absolutely frustrated that I can't.
[12:27:00 AM] X: Fae, what I want, you can't give. You won't ever be able to give.
[12:27:30 AM] Faenix: I know. And I'm sorry.
[12:27:34 AM] X: Hell, even if you could, you wouldn't want to.
[12:27:41 AM] X: It's alright. Just wish you didn't feel that way.
[12:28:14 AM] Faenix: Can't help stressing and worrying about the ones I love.
[12:28:53 AM] X: It doesn't matter. In the great scheme of things, it just doesn't matter. I just wish I didn't exist.
[12:30:06 AM] Faenix: Who the hell cares about the great scheme of things?
[12:30:26 AM] Faenix: I want you in my life. And if there's anything the dragon is going to be greedy and possessive about, it's that.
[12:30:58 AM] X: I don't. I don't really care about anything. If there's one thing ever, that I could have, it'd be that I was never born. I don't want to exist. I don't want to feel. I don't want to want. I don't want to desire. I don't want to be here. I'm just tired of living.
[12:33:22 AM] *** Faenix wraps his arms around you. ***
[12:38:41 AM] X: Honestly, I just wish I wasn't such a coward. I wish I wasn't so scared of the unknown that I could just end it because when I'm 'happy'? It's just a distraction. It's just a facade. It's hiding what I really feel. That I'll never be truly 'happy', that I'll never have what I 'want' because I don't even know what I want. I don't have a gender. I don't want to be me. I don't have an identity. I don't feel like I want anything specific. I really don't. I haven't most of my life. I've found things that are mildly interesting for a time, amusing perhaps. But never anything that I 'wanted'. Even being a 'girl' (as big of a laugh as that is) is the closest thing I can find to being 'me' because what 'me' is, is so ephemeral, so ethereal that I can't put it to words.

I'm not female. I'm not male. I'm not human. I don't know what to call who and what I am because I am not even sure I should exist. I just. Want. To. Stop. Feeling. Stop thinking. Stop wanting. Stop moving. Stop breathing. Stop existing. That's the only true thing I want. The only thing I've ever thought about ever in terms of wanting is the fact that I'm just tired of life. That everything that has ever happened has taken effort, time, exerted energy, and managed to suck up space that I didn't even want in the first place.

Y'know, I died when I was a baby. Did you know that? My cord got wrapped around my throat. I died for 3m. I used to speculate that might be what made me 'transgender' although that's even a joke with myself because I"m not transgender. I'm transexistence. What I think is that the fact that I lived was a cruel, cruel joke by reality and that I was supposed to die. I was supposed to die on that table and not have a future and that everything that happens is some fucked up, wacked out experiment to see how long it takes for me to take my own life."
[12:42:27 AM] Faenix: I'm sorry, love. I wish I could give you just a fraction of the happiness you give me.
[12:42:54 AM] Faenix: And even if I'm nothing more than a distraction for you, if it can help ease the pain even just a little, I'll happily be so.
[12:43:33 AM] X: Honestly, I wish i could feel true happiness. Not just fleeting, transient happiness. But actual happiness that I don't have to work at to get. That isn't an effort just to acheive. My only resting place, the only place that I return to time and time and time and time and time and time again is this. This place of self loathing, self hate and self depceciation that makes me wish it was over.
[12:46:09 AM] X: Y'know if I could get a promise, or a guarantee that the 'next world' is just non-existence. a blackness. Non-entity. Simple ceasing to exist? I'd end myself as soon as I can.
[12:46:14 AM] X: I'm so tired.
[12:46:23 AM] X: I'm tired of seeing everything and only wanting.
[12:46:30 AM] X: I'm so tired of trying and finding my efforts wasted.
[12:46:43 AM] X: I don't know how people do it.
[12:47:13 AM] X: I don't understand how people that know they can do more, REALIZE they can do infinitely more struggle through dead end, shitty jobs, retarded bosses who know less, and stupidity.
[12:48:50 AM] Faenix: Because they hope someday that it'll be rewarded somehow.
[12:48:55 AM] X: IT NEVER IS THOUGH
[12:48:58 AM] X: IT NEVER IS
[12:49:03 AM] X: I thought the same
[12:49:05 AM] X: I bought the same lie
[12:49:09 AM] X: Everyone kept telling me
[12:49:11 AM] X: It gets better
[12:49:14 AM] X: BUT WHAT IF IT DOESN'T
[12:49:21 AM] X: WHAT IF EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER DONE IS FOR NOTHING
[12:49:24 AM] X: WHAT IF IT NEVER GETS BETTER
[12:50:04 AM] X: I married, got a degree, tried for multiple companies, worked MULTIPLE differnet genres of jobs, had a kid, had multiple relationships, had trials and tribulations to match most people doubly my age.
[12:50:08 AM] X: AND WHAT DO I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT?!
[12:50:12 AM] X: Nothing.
[12:50:13 AM] X: ....
[12:50:16 AM | Edited 12:50:30 AM] X: Nothing.
[12:50:40 AM] X: 30 years and not a single thing to show for it.
[12:55:26 AM] Faenix: I'm sorry, love.
[12:55:34 AM] X: Is what it is
[12:55:51 AM] X: Just go to bed, I'll be back to my fake self tomorrow