Holy Shit, I Can't Believe I Actually Wrote This - Short

"You fucking wot m8?"
>It's happening again
>The Blackwall Rebellion
>Ponies everywhere dying at the hands of rebel scum attempting to conquer Equestria for their dark loving lord; Elmo
>You knew that the TV writer's pact to peacefully crossover shows would never go through without its victims
>Now pseudo-muppets roam the land, feeding upon the minds and flesh of fillies and their parents
>The last line of defense is a prison that you had convinced the princess, god bless her soul, to set up when she was still around
>She didn't believe in capturing and placing these puppets on trial; she foolishly believed that ponies and Sesame Street characters could live in peace
>Well look at where she is no--
>*BANG*
>"SIRE! THEY BREACHED THE WALLS!"
>Oh shit. Here they come!
"ALL STALLIONS AT THE READY! PREPARE TO FIRE YOUR CANNONS ON MY COMMAND!"
>"How do we use these things again?"
"OH FOR FUCKSA--"
>"Hee hee~.. You're my best friend.."
>The voice of death interrupts you from afar
>No.. he couldn't be here..
>Why would he risk himself on the frontlines?
>It must be a trap; an attempt to demoralize you
>It--
>"AH-AH-AH~! LET'S COUNT ZE DEAD MEN!"
>A large purple vampire runs into the room, arms flailing
"IT'S THE COUNT! FIRE FIRE FIRE!!!"
>Half of your squadron successfully fires their cannons, while the other mess up in one way or another and sit their like idiots
>But it doesn't even matter
>As soon as the cannon balls reach The Count, he fades into the shadows
>..
>Silence..
>"VON!"
>A purple hand appears from the corner of the room and drags a screaming stallion into it
>"TWO!"
>And again, he picks off a victim without them having a chance to recognize what is happening
>"THREE!"
"GET AWAY FROM THE WALLS!"
>Everypony rushes to the center of the room, but the chaos allows The Count to pick off a few more in the meantime
>"FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE!"
>Finally, your brigade is out of harms way
>"SO HOW MANY DEAD MEN ARE THERE? AH-AH-AH~!"
>One of the stallions breaks down in tears and screams
>"Nine! There were nine!"
>"Wrong! Z'ere were eighty-nine! Let's play again sometime!"
>After that, a purple bat flies from the shadows out of the room
>"Eighty-nine?! What does he mean by that captain?!"
>Y-You don't know
>Eighty-nine dead men? He only got nine of them, though
>There are still eighty of you left
>Did he mean?
>"Hee-Hee~! Come play with Elmo!"
>Oh..
>No..
"He counted correctly.."
>"W-What do you mean s-- AHHHH!"
>In a split second, the stallion speaking to you is smothered by a gigantic ball of red fur
>The sounds of his bones crushing underneath it bring you flashbacks of the battlefield where you had heard encountered him once before; the time you had lost an entire battalion in less than an hour
>It's..
>"ELMO LIKES THIS HUG! PLAY WITH ELMO MORE!"
>At the sight of the enemy's leader springing onto your faithful soldier from seemingly nowhere, the rest of your soldiers begin to panic
>Some of them try to attack the red furred beast, while others attempt to run away deeper into the prison complex
>No matter what they choose to do, though, their end is the same; smothered by a living children's toy in its hug of doom
>Pony after pony, they all eventually fall, leaving only you and a red stallion from some hick farm cowering up against a wall
>"A-Ah just wanted to let ya know! Ah always loved ya, Anonymous!"
"Who the fuck even are you?! Have we ever even met before?!"
>"EEYUP!"
>In a desperate last attempt to save his commander (and apparently love interest? wot?), the red furred, orange maned, stallion charges the much larger bipedal red furred beast
>"FOR MAH COUNTRY! FOR MAH SISTERS! FOR MAH APPL--"
>*CRUNCH*
>You fall upon your knees as the last of your soldiers is crushed before your very eyes
>"ELMO WANTS TO PLAY! WILL YOU PLAY WITH ELMO?"
>That's it..
>Equestria lost..
>There is no hope left..
>I-It's
>"ELMO WANTS A HUG!"
>I-It's..
>The beast approaches you with open arms, slowly walking towards you to let you dwell in the fact that you have failed before you meet your maker
>"ELMO LOVES YOU! HE WANTS A HUG!"
"It's all--"
>"--Ogre now laddeh!"
>Wait, what?
>Suddenly a large green fist appears above your head, punching Elmo from behind you
>As Elmo flies back from the the force of the hit, his head turns into an onion
>Is that?!
>I-It couldn't be!
>"Don't count your layers before they peel."
"SHREK?!"
>You turn your head to see the one and only true ogrelord of all fiction standing behind you with Big Bird's head clenched tightly in his fist
>"How about we get these here creepy sock puppet creatures out of you're kingdom and send them somewhere, FAR FAR AWAY."
"..Shrek is literally life."
>...
>*CRASH*
>Rampaging through the fields, plowing over the torn up corpses and fluff of your enemies, on Shrek's back
>This is a story about Anonymous fighting against the odds to take back Equestria for the ponies
>More power than any pony battalion ever gave him, a single ogre literally carrying him to victory
>It was the greatest moment in the entirety of pony history
>The world saved by a--
>"Grandpa! This sounds stupid! There is no way that Ogres exist. I never even heard about this war you are talking about!"
>---
>Your satyr grandson interrupts your story, obviously not believing anything you have been telling him
>"If this really happened, then why are there still so many ponies around? Why would this never be taught in any of my classes? None of this makes sense!"
>Poor young lad, his intelligence has never allowed him the luxury of an imagination
>You slowly move your wrinkly, shaking, hand over his head and look into his eyes
"You see, not many still believe in Shrek. Even those who witnessed his glory and lived to tell the tale are in disbelief and refuse to accept what actually happened. Equestria just refuses to accept such a dark page of history for them, many of the ponies just couldn't handle it."
>"But.."
"Shhhh.. Just know that your grandpa Anon knows what he is speaking about."
>You look up, out of your window, into the night sky
>A tear falls down your eye as you relish in each breath granted to you by your ogrelord savior
>The fact you could even live to have such an unimaginatively smart grandson like this one
>"Grandpa.. Are you crying?"
>*sniff*
"You see, I'm a believer. Without a trace of doubt in my mind.. I'm in love.. I'm a believer, I couldn't leave him, if I tried.."
>Shrek is love.
>Shrek is life.

- THE END -