My Experiences with Alyssa Bereznak

My name is Jon. You may know me as one of the best Magic the Gathering players in the world. Or you may have just heard of me because of the recent articles on Gizmodo and Reddit.

So the story is this: I made an OKCupid account a while ago, I forgot when. Even though you're the world champion of MTG, girls still seem to avoid you (hot normal girls at least). Also I think liking a person romantically just because he's the best at something is kind of a shallow reason for starting a relationship, so I don't really start any love with female fans.

Looking at all the people around here I see this hot chick. As you do on OKCupid, you send messages to them. I've never really been fond of sending "u r so cute" or "lets hav sex" IMs, so I decided to just play it out safely, typing on "You should go out with me." I guess the girl really did think that I seemed normal, or she was super desperate for a date. She was pretty ugly, but for the sakes of trolling I decided to go forward with it.

Anyways, she then gave me her real name. So I searched it up, as any intelligent human being would when they're given the real name of an internet stranger. And HOLY CRAP, I had stumbled into a landmine. I found her LinkedIn, her Google profile, her Twitter, and all sorts of other information that retards put on the internet these days. Most importantly, I found of her relationship to Gizmodo. Obviously due to the cancerous nature of Gizmodo, I just had to troll her. I read her article on Ayn Rand and even thought, "Maybe she'll even write an article about me if I troll her hard enough - she's a journalist, after all."

I agreed to meet her for a drink. She wasn't that great looking, probably a 4/10. I've had female fans offer to blow me who were 8-9/10, when she, some pretentious wanna be blogger was a 4. I thought that she would be a nerd for posting on Gizmodo, but it turned out that she was quite normal. More of a hipster than a true nerd, really. But of course, Gizmodo is full of hipsters, isn't it. We talked about some inconsequentional stuff, family, friends, work, etc. So right as we were about to go to the show that I got discounted tickets for, I let out the bomb. I hinted at the fact that I played Magic, implying that I was good at the game, and finally concluded it by saying "I'm the world champion."

It was obvious from her facial expressions that she thought I was lying or didn't really care. So I smiled and laughed, pretended it was a joke, and went along with her to see the show.

After I got home I researched her up better, finding out the identities of a couple of her friends. Or in her perspective, "infiltrated [my] way into OKCupid dates with at least two other people [she] sort of [knew]".

The next time we met over dinner and started our conversation. We first talked about random stuff about our lives and childhood and stuff. I could see that she was impatient to say something, and kept on trying to end the small talk fast. I guess she must've searched up my name, found all the articles and forums about me, and found out my real identity. In the end I could tell that she was desperate to say something, and I commented, "you look like you've been wanting to say something all this time."

So she asks me if I'm really the world champion of Magic the Gathering. I replied, and she began to ask me a barrage of questions relating to it. At first I thought it was the typical fangirl response, but then I realized that she, being a hipster rather than a true nerd (going to Gizmodo and posting trash every day), wouldn't care a slightest for Magic the Gathering. I could see her disgust at my geekiness, and it was funny. It was the expression that an actress would make if they had a slug on their arm; a true look of disgust. Except that her face was far, far from the quality of an actresses'.

Our dinner ended about that time, so we started to part ways. I knew from the way she hurriedly walked that she didn't want to see me every again. It was pretty funny, actually.

The moral of the story is nerds: she won't look past your nerdy ways. Hipsters will always pretend to be interested in nerdy stuff on the internet, but be repulse and bored by it in real life. True journalism is dead; tabloid journalism is the wave of the future.

Also, trolling a Gizmodo intern is quite a lulzy way to start an internet shitstorm.