Riding The Snake

>Day Diggity Dank in Equestria.
>You know who the fuck you are.
>Wait...
Derpy, who IS Anon...? Like, who are ANY of us, really...?
>Looking down at your blaze buddy, you see a range of emotions cross her face as she considers this, before she turns to you with an awed look.
>"I... I never really thought about it... That's deep, Anon..."
We never stop to contemplate the important things.
>Pausing all other thought processes, you apply your considerable focus and heightened mental capacity to this question which is as old as the universe.
>Next to you on your couch, Derpy also seems to be philosophizing internally.
>She stares slightly upwards, with a scrunched muzzle and unblinking eyes.
...
>"..."
>Snapping back to reality, you glance at the clock and realize that you've been staring at the ceiling for the past 15 minutes.
...What were we just talking about?
>Snapping out of it herself, she looks at you in confusion for a moment, before smiling and shrugging.
>You shrug back, and then feel an all too familiar sensation in the void of your being.
>You remember the question now, and you realize who you really are.
>You are Anon, and you are hungry.
Want to load another bowl and then bake muffins? Muffins with dank in them?
>Derpy closes her puffy red eyes and nods at your sage like wisdom.
>"More than anything."

>20 minutes later sees the 2 of you giggling like idiots, as you put the batter for your...
>Muffins, right... Batter for your muffins into the oven.
>"Wanna lick the spoon~?"
Oh god yes, I want to lick the spoon so fucking bad.
>Smoke floods the house, a product of your water pipe, aptly dubbed Dick.
>One of your greatest joys in life is coming home after a hard days work, sitting down, and choking on Dick.
>A fresh wave of giggles erupts from around the spoon in your mouth at that thought, only to be interrupted by some yelling from outside.
>"I think you have some pones in your front yard."
>Your face instantly goes from elation to hardened stoicism, and the spoon drops to the floor with a clack.
...Go get the vacuum cleaner.
>It always comes down to this, when will they learn?
>"...What's a vacuum cleaner?"
...
Oh right, different Anon. How do you have stuff like ovens, but not vacuums?
>"...?"
>Hearing panicked knocking on the front door, you pull your long dead phone from your pocket and hold it to the side of your face.
Hello...?
>Recieving no reply, you lower the phone and stare at it vacantly for a bit.
>"Anonymous? What are you looking at?"
...They must have hung up...
>Glancing up from the blank screen, you see the newly arrived Twilight standing before you with a concerned look.
Oh, hey. When did you get here?

>"I just let her in~ She says your house is on fire."
>You can almost feel the exclamation point burst into existence above your head with an alarm sound.
>"No, I said that I thought it was! Why is there so much smoke pouring out of your house? ...And why are your eyes so red?"
Why is your face so purple?
>A sharp gasp from Derpy makes you regret lashing out.
...I'm sorry, that was uncalled for... The smoke is from Dick.
>Receiving a look of confusion that you should have expected, you wait for her to ask the obvious.
>"...Is... Dick a new dragon friend of yours?"
No, Dick's a bong. For smoking herb.
>The confusion on her face evolves into uncomprehensiveness... non-comprehension? Incomprehension? Whatever, a word that sounds like a leveled up confusion.
...Don't worry about it. Hey, want to stick around for a muffin? They're almost done.
>She stares at you with a raised eyebrow for a few more seconds before nodding with a smile.
>"I have been so busy lately with being a Princess, I miss being able to just sit and enjoy a treat with my friends."
>Oh, you'll enjoy it alright.

>"Hey, hey guys...? If I try reeeeally hard, do you think I could become the Princess of muffins?"
>Twilight looks over at her like she just shit in Celestias teacup.
>"It isn't that simple, Derpy, being a princess is a huge responsibility. It doesn't work like that."
>Derpy looks down sadly, disheartened by the answer.
Why not? It did for you. You're already the Princess of muffins in my book, Derpy.
>Recovering her bright smile as you scowl at Twilight, she flies up to hug you before removing the finished muffins from the oven.
>Leading your guests to the living room, you sit as Derpy passes the baked goods around.
>Scarfing two down immediately, you reach behind the couch for your acoustic guitar, as Derpy clops her hooves with muffin in mouth.
Hey, you want to hear the best song that has ever existed, ever?
>"Sure, that sounds lovely! What's it called?"
Freebird.
>Beginning to play haltingly, you make out of pitch "wah" noises with your mouth for the lead guitar parts.
>Twilight is trying to keep a grimace from coming to her face, if only for politeness' sake.
If I lea- Wait.
>Stopping as you make a mistake in the chord, you adjust your fingers and continue.
Leeeaave here tommo- Wait.

>A 40 minute time lapse, and the mares in front of you are crying quietly.
>Twilight's feelin it now, after having eaten several muffins.
>As you finish the song they begin to clop their hooves together in applause.
Thank you. I wrote that.
>"T-that was... Beautiful Anonymous..."
Yeah, I'm pretty amazing. So, how ya feelin there, champ?
>Derpy puts a hoof to her mouth, trying to stifle her giggles at the thoroughly blazed Princess.
>Wiping the tears from her eyes, which are now red as the devils dick, with a forehoof, she looks at you with a joyous expression.
>"I feel great! I can't recall the last time I felt so... Bubbly..."
>She's staring down at Derpys' Cutie Mark as she says this, and promptly breaks into a bout of snorting laughter.
>Chuckling to yourself, you nod.
Yup, no idea why this stuff was an illegal substance back home.
>Twilights' laughter immediately stops.
>"..."
...
>"...Anon? What made the eagle ill?"
>...You... You don't... Wut?
Wut?
>"Y-you said it was an ill eagle substance."
>Staring down into the sincerely questioning gaze of the pegasus, you slowly smile while reaching over to ruffle her mane.
...God damnit you're adorable, you have to be doing this on purpose.
>She blushes while looking extremely confused as you rub her head.

>Suddenly a wide eyed Twilight is screaming in your face.
>"WHAT ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME WHY IS MY TONGUE SO DRY!?"
>Whoa, red alert.
>After moving her back from your personal bubble with a hand, you calmly explain to the huffing Princess.
Chill, it's just a plant. Hardly deserves the title of drug.
>That did it. She's looking close to tears now, but it's better than that murderous twitch thing she had goin on a second ago.
>Though, you can see the paranoia settling in as she panics.
>"A Princess of Equestria doing drugs...! What would Princess Celestia say...!? She'll probably throw me in the dungeon with the rest of the criminals...!"
Hey, no worries. Not like anyone needs to know.
>"We won't tell~"
>"THERE ARE WORRIES! WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT!? WHAT IF THE GUARD WERE TO COME AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR RIGHT NOW LOOKING FOR CRIMINAL SCUM!?"
>...Fuck.
>You dive off the couch towards your wooden coffee table, in an attempt to un-jinx the room before Murphy makes you his bitch.
>You were too late.
>A hard knock on the door comes just milliseconds before your own knuckles meet the wood of the table.
>Twilights' face mirrors your own, as you both turn towards the door in wide eyed horror.

>A heated discussion begins between the two of you in angry whispering.
Damnit Twilight, you can't say something like that and expect it not to happen...!
>"This isn't my fault, this whole situation wouldn't be happening in the first place if you hadn't drugged me...!"
You love it, and you know it...!
>"No I don't, I wish I had never stayed...! Now what do we do...!?"
>Another deliberate knock causes you both to look up and see Derpy, just as she's opening the door with a smile.
>"Hello the-"
>"AAAAAAAAAAH YOU CAN'T LOCK ME UP IN A DUNGEON, I'M A PRINCESS!!!"
>Your acoustic guitar is suddenly pulled up in an aura of purple magic, and viciously hurled through the doorway over a ducking Derpy.
>You wince as the rapidly spinning musical projectile shatters against the head of Big Mac, who promptly slumps onto your porch, unconscious.
>You wince again as the still screaming Twilight leaps through your window, and gallops away with shards of glass stuck in her mane.
>Looking back and forth between the stallion on the floor being prodded by Derpy, and the newly broken window, you can't help but snicker.
Heh... What the fuck, Twilight...?
>Dragging Big Mac inside, you toss him on the couch and load another bowl.






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