The NA Dream 2: Papa Shroud’s Revenge



Scene 1
Homicide detectives and police case shroud’s apartment.
Rain falls on the windows.
Searching through all of his things.

Police 1
Hey chief check this out. ( squints eyes at running computer ).

Chief
I don’t see anything. Looks like a computer to me.

Police 2
No, Chief, look! Someone’s using it.

Chief
My god… (removes sunglasses, close up on face). It’s a ghost computer.
in notepad, the computer types “I will return”
Quick cut to title “THE NA DREAM PART 2”

Opening Credits
Camera pans over rainy Canadian landscapes and cities.
Maple syrup runs down the streets
Beavers chirp in the trees

Scene 2 (C9 Gaming Mansion)

Hiko with a racoon skin cap (http://www.ampco20.com/pics/crockettcoon-brown1.jpg)
Alright boys, I think it’s time we move in together. I think I’m ready for that level of commitment.

freakazoid
But I’ve been living with sean for months already!

sean
You have???

freakazoid
I’m sure you don’t care (wink)

sean
why didnt you tell me sooner? You could have slept more comfortably in my bed.

freakazoid
I already was sleeping in your bed (winks at n0thing).

Hiko
We’ll be moving to the great white north, the land above the states. And we’ll be moving into papa shroud’s old house.

Skadoodle
Ooooh fuck yeah bud!

n0thing
but g-g-g-ghoooosts! (runs and jumps into freakazoids arms)

Hiko
there aint no ghosts! That’s crazy talk. Speaking of ghosts, I forgot that we have been playing with 4 people at all of our majors. Meet our new fifth player…

dark figure emerges from hallway
Who’s that pokemon

n0thing
It’s charizard!

swag’s face appears in charizard outline

swag
surprise mothafucka (smiles through his braces) my mom is gonna let me play with you boys!

sean
I thought you were banned?

swag
my dad is csgo and got me unbanned. plus, 17 year olds aren’t old enough to be responsible for their actions! Everything I did was skadoodles fault! And look at him… Walking a free man

Skadoodle
Gaben said if I could beat him in air hockey I could play again, so I fixed the match and won!

swag
I swear that once i get my braces out, I will bite you in the throat you slimy son of a bitch.

freakazoid steps in (angrily, ranting)

Freakazoid
Alright, everybody knows the best way to get good at cs is to get swole as fuck, so we’re gonna start training you skinny bitches. n0thing and swag, come snort this protein powder.

they snort the powder
nothing gazes into sky.
world starts to spin
fade to black

Scene 3 (roadtrip)
Hiko (in a raccoon hat and mustache is driving his PT Cruiser with sean, n0thing, swag and freakazoid in the passenger seats.
n0thing
Hiko, freak is taking up 3 seats!

Freakazoid
I need it for my biceps, ok?
Hiko
I’ll turn this car around, n0thing you’ll have to sit on sean gares’ lap, freak needs room for his colossal biceps.

sgares
Oh i don’t mind (wink) it’s gonna be a bumpy ride

Hiko
Keep an eye out for our exit. Swag! Get your grease off the leather. Jesus christ.

-swag sticks his head out the window and hangs his tongue out like a dog for some reason

Hiko
God dammit! We just missed our exit!

n0thing
I need to pee!

sgares
You’re not going anywhere! (winks)

Hiko
We’ll stop up here to get out for a second.

car pulls over at gas station
everyone gets out, but everywhere n0thing walks sgares is hugging him from behind.

Scene 4
-cut to shroud’s house
    - huge mansion on a cliff
-lightning strikes
-n0thing and swag hold eachother

n0thing
h-h-h-iko i told you it would be sp-sp-spoooooky

Hiko
Kids say the darndest things (snorts some protein powder)

-freakazoid grabs all of the luggage and sprints up the long driveway leading to the gaming mansion
when he gets inside he vaults off the wall onto shrouds bed after a short dance routine



Hiko
Here’s the gaming house! Just as shroud left it. We’ll all have to share shrouds bed. The computers are in the basement.

-skadoodle opens fridge and it's filled with frosty jars of maple syrup

ska
ooh fuck yeah bud!

-n0thing and swag wander off to look for food

n0thing
Man, i sure am hungry scoob- uh, swag.

-swag taps n0things shoulder

n0thing
not now swag! (eats some expired mayonnaise with fingers)

swag
Did that armor just m-m-move?

n0thing
g-g-g-g-g-GHOST!!!

-n0thing and swag run screaming to hiko

hiko
GHOSTS DON’T EXIST!

Scene 5 (shroud basement)
the team is checking out shroud’s 30 monitor setup
his stream is still running
freaky shuts it off and says “No one wanted to watch that anyway”
Swag
Hey what’s this? (looking at notepad)
It says “I will return”

n0thing
That’s it, I’m outta here!



hiko
how many times do i have to tell you that ghosts don’t exist!

skadoodle
ok gang, we’re gonna set up a little trap
-takes maple syrup out of back pocket and pours it on floor
-suddenly the house starts shaking
-swag and n0thing hold each other, shivering.
-a pale figure arises from the maple syrup

Ghost of shroud (still as pale as when he was alive)
It is I, shroud, I have returned!

Hiko
g-g-g-g-g-GHOST! (runs away screaming)

n0thing
dad what are you doing here?

Ghost of shroud
This is my house! I want to help you avenge me, as a ghost I can enter the game. And spook your enemies!

Skadoodle
Alllllright Let’s train!

everyone high fives
cut

Scene 6 - in gaming basement

sgares
Alright guys, we going to get some good strats here we go!
If we win the pistol we will all buy scouts because the pistols in this game are weak and people move slowly.

sgares
freakazoid, I want you to sneak out into the other teams sound booth and pin down the other team with your galactic rhinoceros limbs.


sgares
n0thing, you put ice down their pants before the game starts.

sgares
Freakazoid, make us some semphis bombs so we can train better.

freakazoid
You got it, babe.

freakazoid goes to the kitchen and grabs some adderall tablets and a jug of protein powder.
He grinds up the tablets in the bulk of his elbow crevice.
He puts the protein powder and adderall dust in the blender.

freakazoid (to himself)
what am i missing? Freaky! You know this! (he starts bashing his head thinking of what he needs).
That’s it! How could I forget. (smashes a glass on the ground).

Freakazoid digs through his pockets and pulls out many stickers.

freakazoid (still to himself, staring at his stickers in his hands)
My stickers. I love my stickers. Sticker stookie stickies. Who’s a good sticker. You're a good sticker.

freakazoid puts his stickers into the blender and grinds the concoction to a fine powder.
He pours the powder into 6 glasses of water.

freakazoid
Semphis bombs up!

All of cloud9 downs the semphis bombs.

Scene 7 - At ESEA LAN

 all the pro teams race to the event, cloud9 gets there second
cloud9 rolls up in the mystery machine outside the lan.
They exit the back and enter the building.
Cloud9’s first match is against EnvyUS
cut to casters booth.

Semmler
Well Golly, Anders.


Anders
Well golly.

they look at each other for a few minutes

Semmler
Well you know that ESL has been cracking down on performance enhancing drugs in the e-Sport scene. They are making sure that no players will use any drugs at LANs anymore.

cut to cloud9’s booth.
They are shooting heroine and downing semphis bombs.

Anders
Oh yeah, Semmler, there new precautions will ensure no PEDs are used. Well it looks like the game is starting. Shall we take a look at the in-game communications to see what the teams are thinking about going into the match?

Semmler
I would love you if we did that.

-he stares longingly at anders

Plays audio from cloud9 comms

freakazoid
do you guys think I should buy some more stickers?

n0thing
You guys down for breakfast burritos after this??

Plays audio from EnvyUs comms

Happy
sean… eh.. the gares.. he name…! it is sean, eh… de… gayest. eh? eh?

kennyS
oui, oui! Baguette!

NBKappa
Omelette, du fromage.

all of envyus laugh and high five, but you can see the last bit of soul leaving happy’s eyes.
Anders
Now for the mainstage event we’re going to have KittyPlaysGames moonwalk for an hour and then do a LIVE CASE OPENING. If you’d like to watch the cs game someone's streaming it on their phone in the alley out back.

-Kitty moonwalks, thousands of horny men watch in amazement
-Opens a nova sanddune FT
-Only MILFazoid, n0thing’s mom, and a couple of homeless people living in the alley behind the venue watch the actual game

Skip through the LAN. cloud9 lose hard.

Scene 8 - Back at the gaming mansion

Hiko
Alright big boys, we got absolutely rekt. Almost as bad as swag’s mom reks him when he doesn’t clean his room (they all have a hearty chuckle)

Swag
And I bet and lost my stickers (whimpering)

Freakazoid
(In a swelling rage picks up swag and throws him across the room onto a glass table which shatters) FUCK YOUR SKINS

(after a short pause) heh, sorry...
-blushes and blows swag a kiss

Seangares
We forgot to use our irl globe trotter strats and our secret weapon, the g-g-g-ghoooost!

Swag
More like global elite trotter! (hearty chuckle and high fives all around)

Hiko gets a call

Hiko
Oh boy, here we go, this is probably cloud9 saying that we’re all fired. (he picks up)

Cloud9
Hiko! You and the team are a disgrace to North American Counter Strike! We must rebuild our brand! Do house tours! Use Snapchat! Be homoerotic enough to get the fans GOING! MORE STREAMS! We don’t care if you win, hiko. Just don’t dissapoint us.

hiko hangs up

n0thing
Papa shroud, grab the camera! We’re doing a house tour.

Papa shroud gets out his flip camera and starts filming n0thing.

n0thing
Okay, for the first stop on our tour we have hiko’s room.

opens door. There are dozens of hats lined on the wall. Raccoon Hats, Baseball caps, Fedoras, Top Hats, Those cool hats that carnival people wear that have the stripes.
Bottles of hair grower and takeout containers from the Hiko grill cover the floor.

n0thing
Next stop, Swag’s room.

n0thing opens the door to reveal a dark cave. You can hear the whispers of swag echo through the cave. “My precious” he screams. “My iBuyPower stickersssss” he screeches.

n0thing
This is where swag forages for trinkets and jewelry in his free time.
Our next stop is mine, sean, and freakazoids room. Freaky and seany share this bed over here.
I sleep in the hot tub filled with ice and sometimes in the condom canyon between the bed and the wall.

there room is filled with hair products, makeup, weights, bags of ice, and a pile of the sleeves that they cut off of all of their shirts.
n0thing
Alright follow me boys, next we’re gonna take a peek in ska’s room
-he opens the door and the room is a sound proof plain white box with absolutely nothing in it, skadoodle is sitting cross legged in the middle of it rubbing maple syrup on himself.

Scene 9 -

Hiko
(cheeks rosy) Big boys, I’ve got good news! I’m on the phone right now with the, wait for it, HARLEM GLOBE TROTTERS! They’re gonna help us train for the major. It’ll be a slam dunk adventure!

-The globe trotters walk into the gaming house and start breaking everything with basketballs
-montage of training
-players spinning keyboards on their fingers
-freak pouring ice down n0things pants
-swag lights fire under skadoodles chair

Hiko
I think that’s enough training. Let’s get on to the major!

Scene 10 - at ESL One Cologne

Cloud9 rolls up in the Mystery Machine
Sean Gares gets out and trips, his glasses fall off

Sean (crawling on hands and knees)
My glasses! My glasses! I can’t see without my glasses!

Machine
Halllright guys welcome back to another major case opening event! Here we are at esl cologne. We have the best teams in the world here ready to play: cloud9, joshog's steam group, Summit and his wife, and OPSCT's h1z1 squad!

Pansy
That's right. Now whoever wins this tournament will of course be the winner. Let's watch some exciting critical strike!

-someone whispers in Pansy's ear

Oh, right, sorry. This is counter strike apparently


-montage of group stages
-cloud 9 and fnatic are the only teams that remain
- cloud9 realize that they can't beat fnatic because they only trained for basketball in the team house

Hiko
(Throwing his fedora on the ground) I forgot we had to play CS and we only trained for basketball. Let's bring out our secret weapons

-cut to analyst desk

Thorin
(Wearing pelt of bear and balaclava) It appears for the final both teams have agreed to play a game of basketball for the final of this major. Now fnatic plays a bit like the 1970s lakers, however we haven't seen cloud9 play.

HenryG
(Wearing flyest fit ever seen in esports) the producers are now bringing out the alcohol for the casters because this is gonna be a painful final

-cut to friberg in a monkey costume with banana crown handing the casters a platter of alcohol

Friberg
Here you go my kings

-cut to fnatic and cloud9 warming up on the court of cruise
-audience is overwhelmingly confused because they've never seen a real sport before
-flusha tries to pass a ball to JW but it curves and ends up in the basket

Dennis
You made a grave mistake boys

N0thing
Oh yeah? Check this out

 - n0thing jumps to dunk but dunks himself through the hoop

Freakazoid
It's just the jetlag

-game begins
-fnatic starts off strong playing like in high school musical as they sing "get ya head in the game"
-they boost Olof on JW so he can dunk
-crowd starts chanting "Olof pass, Olof pass"
-halftime score is 420-0 in favor of fnatic

Anders
Fnatic is really nailing their dance routine and it's paying off big time

Semmler
It sure is. Cloud 9 is getting absolutely REKT. Let's get into the second half!

-they go in for the kiss but the camera cuts


-cloud 9 huddles
-really just an orgy

Hiko
Alright you youngsters it's time we bring out the big guns ;)
-Hiko wolf whistles and the Harlem globetrotters rush out onto the court

-globe trotters star destroying fnatic
- they pull olofs shirt over his head and he falls down a well
- n0thing pours ice down Dennis's back and he curls up into a ball
- freakazoid lights flusha on fire

Freakazoid
You need to get a tan bro

- curly from the globe trotters spins Krimz on his shiny head until he's too dizzy to walk.

- cloud9 ties the score 420-420, but it's not over yet

suddenly a large van pulls on to the court with a large valve sign on the back
Valve himself gets out

Valve
All of you harlem globetrotters are permanently banned from all Valve sponsored events

all of the globetrotters are taken away
people hit twitter and reddit immediately
“it’s unfair that the globetrotters were banned because Valve never explicitly stated that globetrotter tactics were against the rules”
“they should have known… in real sports you can go to jail for bringing harlem globetrotter tactics”

in all the confusion, valve forgets to ban the rest of cloud9
the clock is winding down

Hiko
I ain’t trying to take this to overtime, let’s go cloudlings!

JW
I’m gonna finish off cloud9 right now just like how I finished off shroud’s life!

JW dribbles up the court, dodging and weaving
without the globetrotters, cloud9 is nothing
JW jumps to dunk
clock at 0:03

Papa Shrood as ghost
No! I won’t let you do this to me again

shroud’s ghostly figure emerges from the ground
he grabs the ball and it slides right out of JW’s greasy hands like a slippery stick of butter
shroud flies across the length of the entire court in the opposite direction using his ghostly powers
clock at 0:02
Dennis grabs shroud’s leg mid air

Dennis
Not today, maple leaf!

shroud falls to the ground, struggling, but he still has the ball

shroud
one… last… shot

shroud turns on his periscope stream
clock at 0:01
shroud throws the ball

shroud
thanks… for the donation… gamerdude69....

the ball curves perfectly into the basket
cloud9 wins 422-420
the crowd erupts into applause
all of cloud9 jump for joy and hug

Hiko
What in tarnation? By golly, he did it! He really did it!

hiko throws his cowboy hat on the ground while letting out a roaring “Yeeeehaaaawww!”

n0thing
dad you did it!

sean and freakazoid start making out
skadoodle is seen in the crowd waking up from a long nap

skadoodle
did I miss something?

Semmler
What an absolutely phenomenal finish we’ve seen out of this game!

Anders
Really, it truly was some brilliant CS out there. However you’ve got to give some kudos to fnatic for almost coming back at the end.

Semmler
I just think what shroud pulled off was INSANE. I mean, despite being dead he manages to do a full court length dunk and stream at the same time.

anders and semmler now think their mics are off and the stream has gone to commercials

Anders
Semmler please can you take out the garbage every once in awhile? It’s like I work and work and work and I get nothing in return!

Semmlers
Anders, hold on-

Anders (boiling with rage)
Who do you think dusted your antique doll collection? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK DID THAT? Was it that girl Sheryll you’ve been seeing?

Semmler
What are you talking abou-

Anders
Yeah I didn’t think so!

Semmler
Oh, and we are back! We’re going to be ending the show now guys I really hope you enjoyed it.

Anders
Thanks for all your support guys, we’ll see you again soon!

cut to cloud9 getting in the mystery machine behind the venue

Hiko (tears in eyes)
I just want to say how proud I am of all of you. We went out there, gave it our all, and restored glory to NA basketba- I mean CS. Boys we’re hittin’ the saunas!

swag
Our teamplay was a real slam dunk!

everyone high fives and has a hearty chuckle

sean
And now it’s my time to say something guys. I am leaving cloud9, I have other dreams in life that I want to pursue. Like starting a tier 3 NA team with star players like a2z.

sean leaves the mystery machine
it starts to rain
he walks off into the gloomy distance until his cute ass is seen no more




THE END (TO BE CONTINUED???)

/u/_SYNTAX_ERROR_, /u/RobotCamelJockey