Why am I depressed ?
Because of my past... the shit I've done, been through and did... My life is full of regrets, mistakes and things I've wished I've never did, ever. You know what I'll start from the very start. I fell in love with this boy...Totally head over heels for him... Loved him so much, i was either 14 when i lost my virginity to him because I thought that was something that would make him happy, and that it was just a part of loving someone... It felt right, I was young and stupid and I still am stupid.. We were on and off for a long time.. Until he cheated on me twice .... 😭😭 that's when I sorta started to change... I was never a slut at that time either. He was my first... but after that, I was heart broken, sad... I started playing guys , idn , I felt like every guy deserved to feel hurt, and like shit because that's how i felt.... after that i started talking to jason for awhile and we dated, not for long either... regret this to kinda.. but idn, I was in a very dark spot when me and him dated and idn we had sex and then like ppl told him I was a player and all this shit and that i cheated then he broke up with me... After that, he used me... Just to get a pair of fucking sweats back... I was hurt... but I moved on... then me and this guy started talking ( not naming him..) he always asked me to chill.. so one day I did, honestly I thought we were just gonna chill, as friends do... but we didn't... he forced me to have sex with him.. I didn't want to but he forced me😭😭😭 I didn't know what to do but to go along with it... I was scared, felt bad , like a whore... i told him that too... I felt so stupid and horrible of myself😭😭😭😭😭😭... then you know had s thing with a few guys , wheeled guys... People called me names.. Like I was ugly, worthless, a slut or a whore and I didn't believe that because well who would want to believe any of it.. I got bullied a lot from this one guy and he would normally get his friends to make fun of me too.. Like I was ugly, stupid, worthless, that i had low standards, he'd do anything to make me feel like I didn't belong& one day it got too much.. So i told on him and his friends... Then they would call me a snake and just make fun of me because I did that.. gr9 came and my friend Bryce.. he was my best friend and that's when I found out all about cutting and shit.. so I started to do the same, it was really bad...😭 then like idn, I've wheeled guys throughout that year and stuff :(. and like that's when I met isaac... he treated me ok... I thought I loved him😭 but I don't, I hate him. I really do. every time I hear his name, I don't miss it, I don't miss him. I hate him with everything I've got.. I told him everything and he lied to me. I was going through a rough time too.. and he had the nerves to do that... At the end of grade 9, was kinda really where I got super sad.. My best friend ( bryce ) told him everything.. he knows all about me.. we got into a fight , I forgot why but he called me a slut, a whore, and that i should go bang more guys and get fingererd by them ... i cut a lot ... because of that.. I wanted to kill myself... like I was so upset 😭😭😭😭😭😭 and just from that on I feel so worthless... and i just idn ...  I really had to open up to someone and that is you... I trust you with everything and I don't want to lose you.. None of these guys compare to you... now that's my relationship / love life..
now here comes the fam things..
where do I start with them.. it's like my grandma doesn't understand anything really.. I can barely have friends or anything (as you could tell) sometimes I just feel like she could care less about me.. We kinda fight a lot , but obvs I love her so fucking much😩😩😩. Some shit she says kills me tho.. like she called me a slut once.... because that's when I first said i was dating you.. it was nothing about you tho but it was more about me.. she always thinks so bad about me and everything.. I try my hardest to not disappoint her but it's like im not gonna enough or I'll never be good enough... 😭 and my siblings like yeah, they love me but sometimes their just so harsh on me like Darrien, he calls me a slut sometimes and all that and let's his friends pick on me and wonder why im so fucking sad and shit... and money, we're not rich :( my grandma struggles and it's like if she struggles so do I. she's so negative too!! always saying it's her time to leave and all that. Makes me so sad... and like ugh .. if I were to tell them I was depressed my uncle would say im stupid , my grandparents wouldn't understand😭😭😭. it's how I feel THO.. like sometimes im sad just for no reason :( neither do I want to be and when we fight it just brings a lot up on me. I don't want to lose you... and I just don't know what to do... but like.... I really do need your help😭 im losing it. sometimes I feel like no one will understand me or no one will ever... but I feel like in a way, you understand. I feel dumb to because of school... I was never really a smart person too, im kinda bright obvs , idn i do try but I justt idn it's hard, life's hard 😔😔😔. Im sorry forcing and stuff, im sure you would do it too.... if you were me at least..  I sometimes wish I had a happy life, and that my parents were still together... Like all my friends talk about their families and how they don't like their parents because they can't go out and shit.. but at least their parents are still together and they get to see them.. on the other side, I barely ever get to see my mom , like i Even question myself..: does she actually love me? she always says she's gonna change.. but she doesn't.... she's still the same person.. I don't even know if she's trying ... she could do a lot better then what she's doing right now and if she really loved me and my siblings , she would stop with all the lying and everything and become a better mom ... she makes me feel worthless... like she told me I was a mistake and that i wasn't supposed to be born.. like who's tell their own kids that? it's horrible and harsh and just disrespectful... But I still have a way of saying that i love her😭 and my dad on the other hand, idn, he rarely tries to get a hold of us, barely talk , like first time I talked to him i felt like I was a stranger, just like some random person ... I felt fuck all... 😭 and I see that he has a kid now and he's actually going to raise the kid too with his girlfriend/wife.. makes me feel horrible because he couldn't even take care of me and my siblings .. but what , now he can? I just don't understand why life is like this... :(.. life's hard :( and i over think a lot but maybe me telling you this will make you understand me more and see where im coming from.... :( I don't think I'll get far in life either, I feel worthless and just yeah :(. but that's just the whole thing really... so sorry for opening up to you kinda late 😔 but I needed it to get out of me.. I still struggle til this day and i need you and I can't lose you... because I think if I do lose you, I'll go nuts...😭 this is the story to my un perfect life. I feel really fucked up... I hope you don't hate me or anything 😔. but till this day it's like my past haunts me, like I meant to be sad and depressed and feel so worthless and that no one will love me.. that's why I push ppl away.. I've been used , played and now I just feel like every guy wants me for my body:( not my face, or personality... /: im ashamed of myself, I feel like I didn't just get disrespected but it's like i disrespected myself, i can't believe what I've done and who I've become.. im like a monster.... no one deserves a lot of shit i give them :/ but I am trying...I feel like I failed everyone :( it sucks... what i feel sucks.. this depression thing sucks.