24 Hour Writing Machine

Stick your nickle in and get something.

Today, Feb 14th 2018, a challenge was struck in AiE thread 1139 where I would write for 24 hours straight. This is the collection of those sleepless hours. I promised quantity not quality.

#1) A Starting Ditty: About as dumb a start as any

#2) Anon Wont Sleep: Ponies are worried because Anon refuses to sleep. (Request)

#3) Feeling 80's Keen: Mayor Mare is sixteen, and there are not many bright things in her life. (Request)

#4) Honking Twilight: Twilight reacts to Anon's keys. She honks many times.

#5) How I Mooed Your Mother: How to Court a Minotaur (Request)

#6) How To Court a Gryphon: Same idea as above except more horribly done. YES I SPELL GRYPHON THAT WAY.

#7) Reverse Dumping: What if instead of courting a pony Anon instead was having trouble breaking up with one. Ending is loosely based on thread banter. (Request)

#8) Day Detention in Equestria: Little Anon got detention at school, but he's a rebel and tries to escape, something Cheerilee does not approve of. Things turn into a game of cat and mouse between Cheerilee and him. (Request)

#9) Fruity anonpencil: A random SCP appears in Equestria. Anon and the ponies has to try and deal with it. Based on http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-3552 and done in the style of anonpencil's writing. (Request)

#10) To My Brother's From Another Mother: Flutterrape one-shot

#11) Maud Letters: Sleep deprivation has set in

#12) End Thine Torment: It's over, in the dumbest way possible

===================================================================================================================

A STARTING DITTY

>Be Anon
>Day Day in Equestria
>While playing with magics that spit in God's eye Twilight brought you to Equestria
>The catch, you only get to be here for the next 24 hours
>24 hours to do all of the things you dreamed of until you are cast out forever
>To some such a short taste would be cruel, to others it would be like winning the lottery
>You, however, do not waste a single second looking a gift horse in the mouth
>For you know the true value of your sudden entrance and exit
>No consequences
"Hey Twilight, I set the palace on fire. Cause reasons."
>It is going to be a long day

===================================================================================================================

ANON WONT SLEEP

>As a newcomer in this world you thought it best to get a basic understanding of this world and its history if you were going to be stuck here for any length of time.
>Princess Twilight was happy to let you use her library with her and Starlight offering to help breakdown or translate any sections for you.
>It was a kind offer, Twilight even wanting to go so far as giving you classes on the subjects, but you learn best from a book.
>That was, however, two days ago, and your extended stay has brought more attention than you would like.
>A cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows sits in front of you, not made by your hand.
>You lean forward to grab the next book, and a pillow sneaks its way in as you lean back.
>Ignoring the group of onlookers is getting harder by the minute.

>"I don't understand. It's been two whole days. He should be asleep by now."
>"Don't worry Twilight, hot chocolate always puts me to sleep." says the bouncy voice.
>"I don't see how more sugar is supposed to put some pony to sleep, but I don't see the sense of a lot of things you do." says another.
>You turn the page with a heavy hand after failing to find any mathematics in another astrology tome.
>"Let's just hit him in the head hard enough that he falls asleep."
>"Rainbow, that is possibly one of the worst ideas I ever—"
>"Yo Anonymous! Think fast!"
>Grabbing the pillow like a shield you hastily duck and cover your head barely escaping the potted plant that flies by.
>"U-um, should you have warned him first? I mean, it was a good throw, but he was able to duck."
>"Heh, yeah. Force of habit."
>Hot drinks and invasive pillows are one thing, but now this is getting out of hand.
"What in the world is wrong with you?!"
>Seven ponies and one dragon scatter from the doorway.

>You return to your studies having changed your seat to face the door while whispers spill out from the hallway. When a pair of eyes creeps around the corner for a peek you catch their stare and they shoot back to the hall.
>”I think he suspects something.”
>Gee, you think?
>A soft pop comes from behind you followed by a brush of pony feathers.
>”So, Anon, how goes the studying? I see you’ve been at it for a loooooong time.”
>Thankfully you already read a book detailing teleportation preventing you from straight out jumping from your chair.
“It hasn’t been that long.”
>Twilight gives a horse giggle.
>”I know how it can seem that way when caught up in a good book, but even while you don’t notice it time waits for no pony.”
>”You know,” a second voice rings in, “I always find it much easier to concentrate after a good night’s rest.”
>You have a unicorn on each side whispering into your ear the temptations of sleep, but really…
“I’m not tired.”
>”But you have to rest,” Twilight continues, “staying up this long isn’t good for you.”
“It’s been like two hours.”
>”It’s been two days.” Corrects Starlight.
“Two PONY days. Not two HUMAN days.”
>”Huh?” the voices beside you and in the hallway shout in unison.

>Seven ponies and a dragon sit in the library facing the chalkboard up front where you crack open one of the heavier books.
“In Equestria your days and nights ‘operate’ by Princess Celestia and Luna supposedly moving the Sun and Moon. On my Earth the rising of the Sun and Moon are controlled by their proximity and gravity. I have been trying to find some numbers on mass and distance from your astronomy books, but any such information seems to be gone or missing. Unable to analyze the situation with math, I am forced to hypothesize that either your position in the solar system is vastly different causing your day night cycle to last twenty minutes.”
“Alternatively, after being controlled by the princesses for so long the rest of the world has adapted to the erratic behavior and now falls asleep at the first sign of moonlight.”
>You turn around from your diagram to find the entire group has fallen asleep save for the two bigger horses in the back of the class.
>”Anonymous, may we have a word with you?”
“Of course, this is all speculation…”

===================================================================================================================

FEELING 80'S KEEN

>With a rebel yell, she cried more more more

>Finally out of Mr. Dusty Tome's history class, you kill time waiting at your locker for your friend Cheerilee
>Pictures of you and her from concerts and dressed up for girls night out stick to the door while the various school books are stacked neatly underneath in alphabetical order
>By contrast Cheerilee's locker is a total mess, and the same could be said of most other student's, but for some reason having things in their proper order makes you feel glad
>A thought that causes your gaze to linger on the lone piece of paper sitting on top of the pile
>The aptitude test the school counselor gave to everypony to help them figure out their future
>Students all around the school were talking about how bogus the results were, and you cannot help but agree
>You, a politician?
>So what if your name is Mayor
>Just because you like things orderly doesn't mean you're some kind of...dweeb
>You are a go-getter, a pony's pony
>You make friends with everybody
>"Yo, Double Dare."
"Ugh, Anonymous. Gross me out the door."
>Almost everybody
>"Take a chill pill, I'm just wondering how your test went."
"It went...sour."
>"You? Little miss fancy pants?"
"I told you I don't have a crush on him! Like, stop spreading rumors."
>"Woah, woah. It's just an expression."
"I'm so sure. If it's just an expression then how about you stop using it?"
>"That bad huh?"
>You shut your locker door as if in defiance
"Politician."
>"Bummer."
>Yes. Bummer.
>"But it ain't all that bad. You hear about Dead Lift? His came back saying Mortician."
>The star charger on the team and bulkiest Earth pony in school?
"Mortician? I thought he'd be a weight lifter or athlete."
>"I know, right? Dude's the life of a party. Now he's going to be the death of them."
>This is more evidence these tests are in no way reliable

"What did you get?"
>"Me? I didn't take it."
"What? Why not?"
>"Human's don't get cutiemarks. I told Principal Pen Pusher that I'm too different from a pony for the results to be accurate."
"You're different alright. No wonder you're in such a good mood."
>”I prefer the term righteous.”
>”More like spazz.”
>Your pink pony friend slides beside you with her frazzle styled mane complete with brightly colored clips of various shapes
>”Brace Face, there you are. What did you get?”
>”What did I get on what?”
>Before Anonymous can continue the bell rings sending the lone human in Equestria darting down the hall
>The two of you laugh going towards the much closer gym while sharing each other’s results

>Later that night you sit in your room pondering the day’s events as a break between homework
>She may not think it, but you can see Cheerilee making a good teacher
>She’s smart, patient, and always happy to be around. She also has a real knack for breaking down complex ideas to make them easier to understand.
>She could probably teach at Canterlot U if she wanted to
>Does that mean being a politician really is your future?
>You have only two years to decide, and you have no ideas to go on. Until recently your main concern was how many concerts you and your best friend could go to.
>You could be a glamour girl, an actress, a salespony.
>You have the social skills and ponies often compliment your fashion. Even Anonymous says you dress nice, in his own dweeby way.
>But there is no inkling for you to be any of those things. There is no part of you that just screams ‘this is the path for me.’
>What if you waste years of your life studying to be somepony just to then go down a different path? Time is a limited commodity and you want to do more than earn bits. You want to help ponies; you want to leave your mark.
>This isn’t going to work.
>Grabbing your flashlight from the drawer, you signal Cheerilee’s window across the road.

>A copy of the pattern beams in response affirming that she will meet you at your secret hiding spot. Without missing a beat you hop out the window into the cool night air, expertly avoiding the branches from tearing your dress with the many years of practice, and hurry for the chance to clear your head.
>The pond at Ponyville Park is still with no ducks or fish to stir the water, the benches along the path surrounding the pond are vacant with all the ponies having gone home for the day.
>As a secret hiding place it is rather in the open forcing you to travel to the farthest edge where the burning street lights are only a glimmer. Although a long walk this works best for the two of you. Crude forts tucked away in the woods are more of a colt thing.
>You take your spot on the bench, put down your flashlight, and wait.
>And wait.
>And wait.
>What is taking that mare so long? Cheerilee lives right down the street from you. Any longer and the mosquitoes will eat you alive.
>Eventually the silhouette of a pony starts to make its way towards you.
“Finally.”
>Except as the pony gets closer the silhouette grows more and more until
“Anonymous?”
>”Hey Double Dare. Cheerilee said you needed to talk.”
“Well yes, but the idea was to talk with her.”
>”She got caught by her parents. I was out walking the streets when she called me to her window and told me where to find you.”
“Smooth move McFly,” you whisper under your breath, “of all the ponies you somehow manage to find him.”
“This place stays between us. No telling anypony.”
>”As if. Now, what’s wrong with politician?”
“H-how did you know that’s what it was?”
>”Even Dusty Tome could guess that. Half of you ponies are all freaking out about it.”
“It’s a big deal.”
>”It is. Now tell me what’s bad about it.”
>You sigh and Anonymous takes a seat next to you

“I’m not done being a teenager. Well, I am, but I expected to have a few more years before I had to start becoming a grown up. This test was a wakeup call. I need to think about my future and decide what I want to do with myself. I have to start planning where to go and how I am going to learn the skills needed for my job. You may not understand, but ponies sell cutiemarks as this sort of answer to who you are as if once you have it you know what you will do for the rest of your life. In reality, you have to wonder ‘is this me? Is this what I am truly meant to do?’”
>”Heavy.”
“There is also a lot of work to develop whatever talent you have, and how you turn what you are good at into a living is not always so clear cut. I guess I wanted to remain carefree for just a little longer.”
>The both of you let the sentence hang in the air free to disappear piece by piece at its own pace.
>”Then how about a test?”
“Huh?”
>”A test of your talents. To see if this is who you are.”
“A test was what caused the problem in the first place.”
>”Humor me.”
>You raise an eyebrow, suspicious of his intentions. He is a known trickster with a penchant for poorly timed jokes, yet the shallow depths of his eyes encourage you to take the chance.
“Fine.”

>Anonymous places a hand on his chest while straightening his back and puffing his chest.
>“As the sole human in Equestria it falls on me to play the part of representative for my race. There is an amazing world behind me that puts this world to shame. Buildings so tall they pierce the sky, adventurers launching themselves in rockets to explore space, to technology so vast and great that you could make a phone call from one corner of the world to the other if you were willing to pay the $20 a minute. I am one of billions of people currently standing on the edge of nuclear war as the two most powerful nations sit ready to destroy the world as well as each other with the push of a button.”

“You’re pulling my leg.”
>”I speak only the truth. Of course, it does seem ridiculous when you look at me. All that left up to a head banger who is likely destined to achieve little more than working in construction.”
>You give Anon’s statement the same peace he gave yours, but he has other ideas.
>”At least I’ll be here when the whole place goes kablooey.”
>That is a rather dark way to see the light side.
>”So, Miss Mayor, what is your political opinion on what I should do?”
>This is not what you had in mind when you planned to speak with Cheerilee to calm your nerves. Nor is it what you planned when you agreed to this little test.
>But life seems to rarely be going along with plans these days.
“Assuming what you say is true you have a big responsibility. I won’t lie that the reverse is something I can comprehend or that the role will be easy. Princess Celestia asked you to attend this school for a reason. For all of this magical technology you speak of, I would be very surprised if you told me there are many from your world that are as wise as her. A life of a thousand years sees much more than a thousand lives seeing one. She has truly seen how a single action can leave an impact over hundreds of years. You may be just one of your kind, but you have a real chance to bring the good of your world over to ours.”
>”As well as the bad.”
“Yes, but despite your many pranks I don’t see that in you. I believe you are a kind pony who can see where our world falls short, and find out how you can help fix it. You have already shown you see the problem with your own although you attempt to pass it off as a joke. Whether as a construction worker or an entrepreneur, something tells me that you will have an impact bigger than any pony.”
>Anonymous drops the mighty act, hunching his back and letting his gaze fall to the ground.

“And, as a friend…”
>His ears perk up again.
>”Hmm?”
“I’d say: Stop worrying about it so much, you spazz.”
>He laughs and places a firm hand on your shoulder
>“You’re pretty good at playing the politician. Far more genuine sounding than any of the one’s I know. Your friendship speech sucks royally though.”
>You tease with a stick of your tongue
“It changes based on the audience.”
>The two of you sit by the pond listening to the occasional croaking of the frogs and buzzes of the insects with smiles on your faces and dreams in your head. The moon marks its position in the sky with its reflection on the water’s surface passing the hour from evening to late.
>”So, feeling better?”
“As a matter of fact,” you sigh with an unfamiliar yet welcome resolution, “I am.”
>”Cool beans. In that case I’m going to head home. I’ll catch you at school.”
“That is probably a good idea. See you tomorrow.”
>The two of you stand to go your separate ways, but one last call holds your attention.
>”Oh, by the way, I was lying earlier.”
“About the human stuff?”
>”About taking the test.”


>Several years later an unmarked envelope arrives at your door the very day you are preparing to give your election speech for town treasurer. Eager to see if it is the cheering of a fan or perhaps a secret admirer you tear the envelope open and reach for the contents.
>Inside is a newspaper clipping with a small note attached.
‘Today marks the beginning of a new era for Manehattan. The city well known for its diversity of ponies has always had an issue with space pushing ponies farther and farther away from the city center and cutting into more and more farmland. One pony seeks to buck the trend and bring the city closer together, except that pony is nopony at all. The human Anonymous has gained approval to enact a new ambitious building plan using a new alloy he created called Steel to build up rather than out.’

‘This new building material is said to be tougher and more stable than bricks or stone allowing the creation of what has been dubbed as Skyscrapers. Anonymous has stated that he will be helping with the very construction of Equestria’s first Skyscraper himself.
In a related topic, Princess Celestia has given the go ahead for another of Anonymous’ plans relying on this magical alloy. A set of tracks holding a large steel wagon capable of pulling hundreds of ponies at time across long distances offer to connect the farthest corners of Equestria and beyond. These so called ‘Trains’ will be given further consideration after running a test track the short distance between Canterlot and Ponyville. Princess Celestia herself vows that if the results prove  satisfactory she will dedicate a national effort to laying tracks throughout Equestria and beyond.
Is this the change of society as we know it? Will this bring ponies far and wide to refer to one another as neighbors? Only the future can say for sure, but the confidence in Anonymous’ voice hints at an Equestria closer than ever before.’
>You smile at the text and admire the black and white picture of Anonymous standing next to a large beam of this supposed steel.
>You then grab the note.

‘Dear Double Dare,
I hear you are running for Ponyville’s Treasurer. Congrats. I knew you wouldn’t wait long to get yourself on the council. The life of an assistant is too mundane for a girl as rowdy as you. I know you’ll do great; you turned this idiot around after all. I wish you the best of luck just the same.
As you have read I am going to be tied up in Manehattan for a while. When the tracks for the Ponyville Express finally get laid how about you and Brace Face meet me at the new station? I’ll give you both a ride as honorary first passengers. A bunch of politicians and news staff will be there too so we can’t do anything too crazy. You know how stuffy those political types are. Celestia will be there too. Unlike the rest of them she’s cool. I’ll even introduce you girls.
Looking forward to hearing about your big win.
Love,
Anonymous
P.S. I couldn’t resist the alliteration.’

>If cheek bones did not exist your smile would fly right off your face. You friend has gone above and beyond everything he wanted to do. He also took the time to write to you, to show he cares, to remember and appreciate the help you gave. He even wants to repay you in a way you could never hope to match.
>Meeting Princess Celestia? EEEEEEEEEEEEE!
>This is exactly the kind of message you need to convey to ponies in your speech today. With a platform of friendship like this there is no way you can lose.
>Wait until you tell Cheerilee.

===================================================================================================================

HONKING TWILIGHT

>The engine of your truck rumbles and purrs from its work, fighting to stay cool as it takes you down the interstate from Washington to Missouri.
>Driving in the dead of night when traffic is at its thinnest finds you completely alone; the road colored a streetlight orange.
>This is what you do; taking goods from one place to another across long distances, rushing for time yet free to make your own hours.
>To make that time you often skip stopping at gas stations when nature calls unless you need a refill. Instead you favor pulling off the side of the road to do your business as to prevent yourself from loitering.
>It was that or pee in a cup, and there was something unsanitary about that.
>Again you pull over, like you have done many times before, hopping over the guard rail and walking into the woods with the keys in your pocket.
>The engine clanks as it breathes taking the time to enjoy the rest as much as you. Cold liquid pours through the radiator as hot liquid pours from you.
>And then, it stops.

>Simply in the daze of another day the sudden silence is not something you pick up on.
>Keys jingle in your pocket as you walk back, but you fail to find the rail.
>You were right by the road. There is no way you could have gotten lost.
>You hit the button to make the horn honk.
>”Honk.”
>The hell?
>You press the button again, and what you get is another very effeminate…
>”Honk.”
>Maybe the engine was tired, maybe the horn was damaged. That was making the horn sound weird.
>It can happen, right?
>Without much of an alternative you follow the sound.

>”This is not what I meant by finding myself!”
>A voice? Same as the horn.
>”Honk!”
>It is the same voice!
“Hello? Tractor-trailer? Have you been given sentience?"
>”Huh? Who’s there?”
“Trucktilda?”
>Climbing out from the last few trees your hopes of finding your big rig alive Optimus Prime style are crushed.

>No, what you see is far from the size of a truck nor the size of a family car. Even a smart car is bigger.
>Instead, standing in front of you is very small horse.
“This isn’t right.”
>”WHO ARE YOU?!”
>And she is purple.
“This is definitely not right.”
>”I’m warning you, don’t come any closer! I’m very powerful!”
>Did you mention her having a horn and wings?
>Said winged purple unicorn begins to glow in a display that is too much for your overloaded mind to take in right now.
>You do the one sane action left to you.
>”Honk!”
>Yup, it’s her.

“So,” you say calmly for your own sake as much as hers, “let’s ignore the impossible here and cut to the chase. Where is my truck?”
>Her wings stay fanned out increasing her size like a threatened bird and her horn still holds a pointed light at you with a purpose you can only guess at. Yet, she does stop with all the yelling.
>”Truck? What’s a truck?”
“Big metal thing on wheels. About twice as tall as me and as long as two or three of these trees lined together.”
>”I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“Makes a noise when I do this.”
>”Honk!”
>Those violet eyes that were measuring you with uncertainty seconds ago flame up to pure ire.
>”That was you!”
“No, it was my truck.”
>Her wings flap once raising her body up from its defensive position.
>”I don’t know anything about your blooming Honk!”
“The evidence says differently.”
>”What spell did you cast on me? How did you do it? You better undo it this instant or I swear to Celestia, Honk!”
“Look, maybe you swallowed a horn or something, I don’t know. I just want to get back to my truck. Then we can both continue on our separate ways like none of this ever happened.”
>”I did not swallow a Honk! Stop it!”
“Not until you tell me where my truck is.”
>”I told you, I don’t know where Honk!”
>She grits her teeth and the light of her horn grows more intense.

>You keep your hand on the keys in your pocket.
>Both of you stare at the other; you waiting for an answer her waiting for another punishment.
>Why does she have to be so stubborn?
>”Honk!”

>As her mouth shuts from the sudden outburst the rage sends a bolt from her horn directly into your chest.
>You are taken immediately off your feet and flung into a tree at speed knocking the wind out of your lungs.
>Your chest caves in, adrenaline comes alive to numb the pain, and you suck in air at length.
>A wiser man would be concerned about this unknown force capable of striking like a hammer from seemingly nowhere. A wiser man would perhaps back off and reevaluate the situation lest more damage be done.
>A wiser man doesn’t get paid to drive trucks cross country.
“You asked for it!”
>Wounded, but far from powerless, you hit the alarm button from your seat.
>”Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk!”
>An endless string of honks like that of a dying goose spit forth from the pony muzzle who tries to prepare what looks to be a second attack, but the forceful honking denies her focus.
>”I’m! Honk! Telling! Honk! You! Honk! To! Honk! Quit it! Honk!”
“Make me.”
>Famous last words as a tree branch falls and cracks against your head.

>Adrenaline is an amazing thing. It has evolved to allow us to do great feats and see through many dangers, but adrenaline has its limits.
>Everything goes completely black as your vision is disconnected with the world while a seething pain makes your head feel the size of a pillow.
>You lazily raise your hand for a feel, the act more mechanical than intentional, and find a cool liquid staining your hair. Your mind races with likely scenarios about to play out.
>Hopefully someone driving down the road will find you and call for help. You could wake up on a hospital bed or someone’s couch a little worse for wear but ultimately okay.

>You could walk blindly to try and increase the odds of being spotted, although you are just as likely to end up farther in the forest.
>Those are the best cases. Worst case you fall unconscious and go into shock. Or get eaten by wild animals.
>A muffled honking seeps into your ringing ears becoming louder and louder.
>Oh God she is going to eat you!
>Neurons fire as the effects of the stunning blow begin to fade bringing a blurry purple muzzle into view. Likewise the ringing in your ears slowly disappears allowing the full sound of the honks to take over.
>Despite the annoyance you stay completely still as not to interrupt whatever miracle is happening.
>Soon enough you feel like your old self; able to think and breathe easily except for the worried face honking in front of you.
>You push the alarm button again and the honking stops.
>”Finally.”

>You ignore the small horse in front of you, more worried about what you will find as you pull your hand from the back of your head.
>Blood runs down your fingers confirming the worst of what you suspected, but when you use your other hand there is none.
>”Are you okay?”
“What just happened?”
>”I healed you.”
>Your gaze returns to your rescuer who has a self gratifying smile.
“How?”
>”With magic of course.”
“Magic?”
>”Yes, magic.”
“You can’t be serious.”
>This erases the smile from her face.
>”What do you mean I can’t be serious? Did you think I would really just leave you like that?”
“I thought magic wasn’t real.”
>”Wasn’t real? But you put that honking spell on me.”
“No, it is part of my truck. It responds to this.”
>You hold out your keys for her to examine, then push a different button for emphasize.
>”Beep.”
“See?”
>Her horn instantly glows and tries to grab the keys but you close your fist.
>Seeing her attempt denied she backs off and tries to look innocent.
>”Strange, why would that react with me?”

“I have no idea, but maybe if we go to my truck we might be able to figure something out.”
>”I’m telling you, I have no idea where it is, let alone what a truck is.”
“Then point me back to the road. I parked right around here.”
>”You are far from any roads. We’re in the Everfree forest.”
“Never heard of it.”
>”Ponyville ring any bells?”
“Nope.”
>”How about Canterlot?”
“Now I know you are messing with me.”
>”You never heard of Canterlot?”
“I’ve heard of Camelot; the place where King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table lived.”
>As impossible as it is, you hope that this similarity may lead to some sort of clue as to where in the world you are.
>”I don’t know any of them. Are they in the Camel Kingdom?”
>Camel Kingdom?
>You are having a conversation with a fictional horse, a fictional horned horse with wings, with fur of a ludicrous color and the ability to do magic residing in a land of horse puns.
>Yet, the mere suggestion of a Camel Kingdom is the straw that broke the…no you are not going there.

“What the hell is going on! I just stepped out to take a piss!”
>Your partner in crime, or perhaps the instigator herself, tucks away as you shoot to your feet shouting obscenities and expletives.
>However, as your only source of any understanding you pounce on her.
“Where am I? Why am I here? Am I going mad? Did someone trick me into taking drugs? If this is some kind of joke? It isn’t funny!”
>”How many times do I have to say I don’t know? I just came out here to find myself.”
“Well you found me!”
>Light emanates from her horn again, and you immediately back off rather than go for round two.
>There is a pop, and then she is gone.
>”I said I don’t know!”
>You spin around following the shout. There near the top of the tree she stands far away from you with a long neck looking down on you and wings furled out.
“Neither do I!”

>”Then we both don’t know anything!”
“I know talking horses don’t exist!”
>”Neither do trucks!”
“Or magic!”
>”Or whatever you are!”
>Stuck staring at a creature that defies your very understanding of the world you continue the shouting match despite the obvious lack of results.
>Your mind refuses to let go of the truck, the one fact that could perhaps save you from whatever you are seeing. Each attempt is met with the same response from the now treehorse who screams about you and your spell.
>Instead of changing words you both simply get louder mutually frustrating each of you.
>Finally there is another scream, a purple light, a pop, and then she’s gone.

>Gone, alone, lost. Your only company is your anger and the moonlight.
>You press the button on your keys to flush her out, but this time you hear nothing.
>You truly are alone.
>’Quick,’ your brain says, ‘make a fire. You can sleep here and find the truck in the morning. Maybe this is all a dream.’
>You fumble in the dark for twigs and logs uncertain if your vague understanding of basic survival skills will be enough to get a fire going.
>Blisters begin to grow on your hands from the futile spinning sticks, and for the first time in your life you curse your aversion to smoking and the lighter it would provide.
“This is all a dream.” You repeat to yourself as failure upon failure has you looking at sleeping cold in the dirt.
>Mentally a physically exhausted you throw the sticks into the useless pile then say the dumbest thing in the universe.
“This couldn’t get any worse.”
>A familiar pop rings out and you grab the biggest stick you can find.
>The purple pony from earlier returns with her eyes on you yet her muzzle aimed low.
>”Y-you’re still here.”
>You hold your stance unsure whether to drive her away or let her speak and risk insanity.
“Yeah.”
>”I’ve done some thinking.”
>Your grip relaxes.

>”I came out here tonight because I was unsure who I was. A lot has changed for me in the last few days with your sudden appearance being the icing on the cake.”
“You weren’t a welcome sight either.”
>”I realized that, and I would hold it against you, but I am afraid the blame lies with me. The reason I came to this secluded area was to cast a spell; a dangerous spell that would show me a glimpse of my future. It was only supposed to be for a moment, and nopony was supposed to get hurt. I think the spell somehow interacted with you with unknown results.”
>Your grip tightens again.
“You pulled me here?”
>”Not intentionally!” she cries
“Then send me back!”
>”That’s what I want to try, but it could be dangerous. Especially if you don’t know anything about magic.”
“I’ll take the risk.”
>”Look,” she approaches you lighting the path with her horn, “please wait.”
>You keep her at an arm’s length
>”Magic is not to be played with. It can have serious repercussions. You could end up floating in space or in a new dimension entirely. You need to learn how it works before we can do anything, and I can teach you.”
“You? Teach me?”
>”I’m really good at it!”
“At teaching or magic?”
>”Both!”
>Do you trust this troublemaker? Everything she said could be a lie.
>Your stomach growls in want.
“You got any food?”
>Her eyes flicker to life like a burning candle
>”I have a dragon that cooks.”
>This cannot be a good sign.
“I am equally disturbed and intrigued. If I go with you will I be safe?”
>The horsey horse zips passed your spear and grabs your hand in her hooves.
>”You’ll be the safest pony in Ponyville guaranteed.”
>You can already tell you are going to regret visiting this place.
>”Just follow my lead and keep out of sight until I get everything ready. And whatever you do DON’T let Pinkie Pie see you.”
>You are definitely going to regret visiting this place.

===================================================================================================================

HOW I MOOED YOUR MOTHER

>How to court a Minotaur
>So, you are a filthy xenophile and your lust for love has brought you to the lands of Minos
>This book will help you understand the mino in your life in 5 easy steps
>Step 1: Be Loud
>Both male and female minotaurs come from a society where noise gets boys and whirls get girls. In order to hold their interest you will need to be a dominant personality in a crowd or at least act like it. A minotaur who is seen as having to protect their date is seen as having picked a weakling and will be ridiculed for it. Given the amount of pride on display, a relationship rarely survives this kind of response.
>Do not let that cause you to lose hope. Even if you are a quiet mouse who prefers to play the wallflower, you only have to act loud in public. Minotaurs are actually very reluctant to respond physically no matter how confrontational they act. As long as you stand up for yourself without going over the line there will be no problem.
>Step 2: Be Calm
>Similar to the lesson from Step 1, minotaurs will say and do a lot that would get anyone else hot headed. Usually this will involve lots of bragging, but can come to attacks on an opponents character.
>Often this will include a heavy amount of flexing and posturing especially between your minotaur and another minotaur.
>You may want to think that your minotaur cannot help showing off, but this is far from the truth.They do it because they have to. The next time you see your minotaur flaunting their muscles while arguing about whos is bigger remember that they are doing it for you.
>Step 3: Fights Stay in the Bedroom
>A minotaur will never fight with their significant other in public. Again with the pride, there is too high a chance of losing a fight around the relationship that minotaurs will only ever feel comfortable discussing such things behind closed doors. The will sing the high praises of how great the relationship is going to the moon when out in public, but the truth will never be shared in these situations.
>It is also difficult to initiate these sort of conversations because of the risk of losing, so you must vigilant on letting your minotaur know when something is seriously wrong as well as always be on the lookout for signs that your minotaur may be feeling neglected. This is one of the hardest parts in a minotaur relationship, but if you keep on top of it you will find it the most rewarding. There is a reason why fights start in the bedroom.
>Step 4: Meeting the Herd
>If you lean more towards the introvert side of the spectrum this is going to be the hardest part of a serious relationship. Minotaur families are loud and close. You will rarely find the time for yourself when visiting. Be prepared to go for a long time putting on the tough act, and use the time after everyone turns in for the night to recover.
>It is ill advised to instead use that time to talk about the relationship or prove your 'dedications of love.' If you do the both of you will not be hearing the end of it in the morning.
>Step 5: Evening the Playing Field
>Eventually you are going to want your minotaur to be a little less rowdy, especially when it comes time for them to meet your family, but there is nothing harder than changing a minotaur. You will need more than a little patience, you will need to drill the lessons in time and time again. Ironically, this is because you have to make the minotaur confident in when and where it is safe to let their guard down. You may know that your family won't judge the first sign of weakness, but he or she won't. This also means that you have to prepare your family as well for all of your hard work will instantly fall apart at the first sign of ridicule; real or otherwise.
>There is no easy answer for this one, but if you love them enough and give them the time to play it safe you will have a a happy relationship.

>Try some of our other books
>'How I Cawed Her Paw'
>'From Rough to Diamond Dog'
>'Sex Makes Babies'

===================================================================================================================

HOW TO COURT A GRYPHON

>How to Court a Gryphon
>So, you want the fug, yes? Catbird too good to stay away? We stand under.
>Follow guide to true happliness in 5 steps of easy
>Step 1: Catbird No Want You
>Gryphons be solitary creature. Need help from nobody. You offer help catbird laugh. You give help anyway catbird laugh again.
>Yet catbird be happy, though never say. Unless you be schmuck. No be schmuck and catbird like you. Have bits catbird like you too. My sister five bits for three minutes. Many enjoy.
>Step 2: Caring is of Having Dweebs
>No hold paw or hug in public. Bad sign. Instead stand far apart, but close enough to throw punch. Always be ready to punch.
>In home same applies. If male gryphon touch you no hit for yes, hit for no. If female gryphon you touch and she hit for yes or no. Expect many hits. If afraid of hits relationship no work. Beware of claws.
>Step 3: Fight Many Times
>Fighting make relationship strong. Always end in good time, unless fail altogether. Then time to move on.
>Even old catbird fight. Build strongest relationship. Keep children in line. You fight alongside gryphon no one defeat you. Make true for reverse.
>Step 4: Caring is Okay
>Sometimes being dweeb good. Catbird tough exterior for show. Occasionally gryphon need to hear words of encouragement and love. Rarely say, but will say. When catbird first say words of nurture know relationship serious. It would take big dumb mistake to ruin.
>Step 5: Eat Meat
>Beak not just for show. Gryphon carnivore, need to eat meat. Many catbirds not date outside species for this reason. If you ignore then catbird be okay. If you carnivore too gryphon bond most over cooking. Recommend cayenne pepper.

===================================================================================================================

REVERSE DUMPING

>While waiting in the checkout line for groceries you idly glaze over the magazine rack full of stupid gossip and drivel
>'Are you tired of your mare? Is your relationship the pits?'
"This magazine gets me."
>You pick up the magazine and flip to the advertised page
>'Ditch that loser without making your old hero feel like a zero. Or for an extra dose of revenge go all out. Just follow the chart below.'
"Sounds simple enough."
>'First question: Do you want to make them cry?'
>No. She's not that bad. Just boring.
>'Bring up the topic at her place during your next visit. State your reasons why and allow her to ask questions, but make it clear that the decision is final. Don't hold out or you will only make it worse.'
>Hmm, what does it say if I went yes?
>'Take them out to dinner at a quiet yet public place such as a local restaurant and be as loud as you can while going over every little failing of their character. Be sure to top it off by stating that you never want to see them again.'
>HOLY SHIT!
"HOLY SHIT!"
>"Is there a problem sir?"
>You look up to see the old lady at the cash register eyeing you carefully
"Uh, no, no problem."
>You drop the magazine back into its slot.
>Let's not take any pony's advice on the matter.

>On the way home you try to go over exactly what you are going to do in your head. It's not you, it's her. You mean, it's not her, it's you.
>The way she kept finding reasons to hook up with you was cute at first, and the strange questions kind of suckered you in.
>She was obviously interested in you which was a nice change of pace. It felt good knowing at least someone didn't see you as the stand out freak. Granted, in this colorful world it amounted to the equivalent of a high school crush.
>And that is all it ever was or ever will be. You need more than simple cuddling.
"I'm back!"
>Shit. You didn't think very hard.

>"Anonymous!"
>The cheery voice echoes against the walls of the crystal tree, and the sweetness has you cursing your own name.
>You heft the many bags of chips onto the kitchen counter, the fee of your landlord and await either the sudden burst of teleportation or the mad dash down the stairs.
>A zap and a poit can be heard from upstairs then a pink mare appears in your hands.
>"Welcome home."
>Starlight Glimmer. Of all the ponies it had to be Starlight Glimmer.
>You would have sworn it was the elements of harmony who would have proven to be the most clingy of horses. Each and every one of them has a heavy dose of crazy.
>Yet you hit the jackpot on nut jobs.
"Hey, while on my way home I was thinking. You know how you love playing games together?"
>She giggles and nuzzles into your chest
>"Of course."
"Well, let's play one right now."
>"Oh that sounds lovely, what should we play?"
"It's a classic. Hide and seek."
>Her head snaps up as if you asked if Granny Smith could be in a threesome
>"Hide and seek?"
"Yeah. I hide and you seek."
>"Sounds kind of childish. Buuuut, if it's with you I don't mind."
>You shudder at the result of your own analogy. Never-the-less you must press on.
"Great. You stay here and close your eyes, and count to 5 years."
>"5 years?"
"5 years. Gotta keep it fair given how great you are at magic."
>"Oh Anon, you're so silly."
>Starlight squeezes you ever tighter.
>You would be lying if you said you thought this would work.

>You sit in your room head thrown back to stare at the ceiling while petting the Glimmer laying in your lap
>This is going to be a pain. What did that magazine say?
>'Take her out in public and squash her confidence like a bug!'
>Your hand brushing along Starlight's side ceases up in an iron grip, but you quickly reign it in
>You can't do that to her. She's so sweet, soft, innocent...
>Damaged

>When she confessed why she had such a strange collection of ponies as friends it didn't take a genius to figure out why she became smitten with you
>You had no ties to her past, and frankly didn't see it as any more than another facet of her history. Certainly not the horse Hitler she kept making herself out to be.
>By all rights the worst she did was create a hippy commune mixed into a cult.
>Really, the worst you would do is make jokes referring to her as a communist if it wasn't something she obviously wanted to keep under wraps.
>No, no, no. You're backpedaling again! You are going to end up stuck just like the magazine said!
>You sit up straight causing the pony in your lap to shift.
"Starlight, I..."
>She raises her head looking up at you with those modest blue eyes.
>"What is it?"
>Come on you can do this.
"I think..."
>It is just a few words.
"I think that..."
>She pulls her head up higher.
>Just a few words damnit!
"I think that...your hair reminds me of toothpaste."
>YOU IDIOT
>"Huh. I guess I can see that. Does that bother you?"
"No," THIS RELATIONSHIP DOES, "just an observation."
>OF HOW MUCH OF A PUSSY YOU ARE
>"Are you sure you're feeling okay?"
"Yeah."
>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

>Day 47
>I want to die
>"Where do you want to go for dinner?"
"Is there a place that specializes in arsenic?"
>"I...don't think so."
"Suicide's fine then."
>"I'm not familiar with that restaurant."
>Snap out of it
"Sorry. I meant salad's fine."
>"You've been acting kind of strange for a while. Is there something you want to tell me?"
>Yes. So many things.
>"Have I gotten fat?"
"You're not fat. I'm just under a lot of stress is all. There's this girl who keeps bothering me, but I don't know what to say to get her to leave me alone without making her cry."
>"A girl? Who? I haven't seen you with any other pony."
>You're a smart girl. You'll figure it out.
>1 + 1 =...
>"Is it Twilight?"
>What?!
"No!"
>"Do you want me to get rid of her? I can do that."

"She's your teacher."
>Starlight gets close to your ear.
>"And they'll never find the body."
>You shove Starlight away
"What are you even saying? That's it, I need a drink."
>You grab your coat and storm out the door.

>Down at the bar you take a seat on the stool along with the many other single drinkers this night and order the hardest shot of scotch.
>In reality the glass is full of applejuice, but you can pretend.
>"What's the problem sailor?"
>A feminine voice nearby sings to you wearing a saucy lace. Frankly, at this point you don't even care and vomit your emotional baggage all over the mare.
"It's my girlfriend. I keep trying to break up with her, but I can't find a way that doesn't involve her crying."
>"I see. I always found the best way to break up a couple is with a dash of adultery."
"Lady, you're speaking my language!"

>You return to the crystal treebary about 15 minutes later, give or take.
"Starlight, I'm breaking up with you. It's not you, it's me. And her."
>Starlight is ready to burst into tears, that is until she sees your new partner.
>"Chrysalis?!"
>"I told you I would get my revenge Starlight Glimmer!"
>"Anon, she's just using you!"
"That's okay, I used her too."
>"We did butt stuff."
>Starlight's mouth hangs open, and Chrysalis takes the opportunity to transform into Starlight.
>"I simply am the better you."
>"I, I can do butt stuff too!"
>Starlight uses her own magic to turn into Twilight.
>”I never should have summoned him.” Twilight says before turning into a tree.
"Then who was phone?"
>Spike turns into a phone

>Equestria sucks

===================================================================================================================

DAY DETENTION IN EQUESTRIA

>Day Detention in Equestria
>You never thought you would see this day
>Your Mom runs this town
>And here you are stuck in school by Miss Cheerilee
>This will not stand!
>You stand up from your desk
>"Sit down mister."
>And promptly sit back down
>It seems you are not going to get away so easily with Cheerilee watching
"Miss Cheerilee, I have to go to the bathroom."
>Cheerilee doesn't even bother looking up from the paper's she's grading
>"You used that excuse last time."
>Drats
"Miss Cheerilee, can I at least do my homework?"
>She hums for a second then agrees
>"Okay, but if I see another crossword puzzle from you I'm keeping it."
>Hoho, no worries there teacher
>You pretend to work all the while counting down the minutes until you can strike
"Miss Cheerilee."
>"Ugh, what is it Anonymous?"
"I'm confused about the homework. What's the difference between Misses and Miss?"
>She recoils from the question
>"They're-they're titles for adult ponies. For a stallion you always use the title Mister. For mares you use either Misses or Miss; Misses for if she is married, Miss if she is not."
"Is not what?"
>"Anonymous."
>You use your best innocent child look.
>"You use it for a mare who isn't married."
"Ooooh! So that's why we call you Miss Cheerilee."
>Another blow with a similar reaction
>"Y-yes."
"I get it now. Miss is a mare who MISSED getting married. That's so easy to remember. I'll never forget it now."
>A drawer opens behind Cheerilee's desk
>"I-I'm glad to hear that. I need to step out for a minute. Don't you dare get out of that chair."
"Scouts honor."
>You salute and Cheerliee walks out the door
>Pfft. Like you're a scout
>You break for the window seeing the open skies of freedom and throw open the glass pane
>Using a school chair, you climb up and over the windowsill
>Spinning around in order to lower yourself to the ground you blow a raspberry at the empty classroom and place your first foot on the ground
>"Going somewhere?"

>Frantically you look down to see that the ground is actually Miss Cheerilee
>"You'll have to do better than that."
>With the fury of an eight year old you skedaddle back in through the window
>You make for the door but find yourself unable to turn the handle
>Peering through the sliver of glass you can see Miss Cheerilee's pen acting as a perfect wedge
>"I've had a lot of practice with troublemakers such as you."
>You return to the window and slam it shut as not to hear her
>You can't get out, you are trapped like a rat
>If you can't get out then you have to make her think you have
>Under the desk? Too obvious
>Behind the curtains? Too small
>In the lockers? The lockers!

>A click and the handle turns from outside with the strawberry schoolteacher proudly stepping inside
>"I hope you understand the plight of your situation, Anon. You are going to sit here and serve your detention...Anonymous?"
>Her careful eye examines the room for the usual suspects
>No one under her desk, no hoofs behind the curtain
>Everything looks pristine except one of the lockers is ajar
>The locker!
>"Oh where oh where could he be? I've searched everywhere for him."
>She inches closer and closer singing her faux worry
>"Aha!"
>She throws open the locker only to find it empty
>You drop from behind the chalkboard and run through the door
>"Anonymous! You get back here!"

>Huff, huff, huff, huff
>Boy she can run fast
>"Somepony stop that colt!"
>You run through the market with a now fuming red horse hot on your tail
>Bum rushing passed the bystanders you bob and weave through the crowd hoping to lose her in the process
>A few try to make a grab for you, but your quick reactions and high intellect make you a slippery target
>"Don't think I can't see you behind that cart!"
>However, your biggest rival has had years of practice

>The chase continues store to store, carts full with goods spilling their wares onto the road as you run more for the sake of being afraid what she might do if she catches you than wanting to get free
>Thank the stars for your high diet of sugary candy
>"Anonymous, if you stop now I won't be mad."
>She's bargaining, she has to be losing steam
>You turn around for the briefest of seconds to see where she is, but instantly turn back around after finding her right behind you
>And in that moment of not paying attention you run right into the flank of some fat pink pony
>Before you can recover the original hound on your heels dives into you tackling you to the ground
"Ow."
>"You're in very big trouble mister."
"Hehe."

>"I can't believe you ran off like that. What has gotten into you?"
"Detention's lame. I don't want to be there."
>"Well it's no sugar and candy for me either. The last thing I want to do is be spending Hearts and Hooves day at work."
"Then why did you give me detention."
>"You put mud in Diamond Tiara's mane and gave Silver Spoon an Indian burn."
"They deserved it."
>"I'm sure they did, but that does not mean you should resort to violence. If you simply told me it would be those two sitting in detention instead of you."
"Momma didn't raise no tattletale."
>Miss Cheerliee sighs
>"Of course she didn't."
>Quick Anon, change the subject
"If you want to go out for Hearts and Hooves Day then why don't you?"
>"You mean besides having to chase you throughout Ponyville?"
>You put your angel face back on
>"That won't work."
>Like hell it wont.
>She stares at you yet you hold strong
>She sighs again
>It totally worked
>"As much as I would like to go out, I have nopony to go with this year. You may not understand it now, but when you are older you will realize that the one thing you never do is go out on Hearts and Hooves Day alone."
"Then you can go out with me."
>"Anonymous!"

"Hear me out. Neither of us want to sit there in the classroom for the rest of detention. Instead, let's go to that restaurant Mom always talks about."
>"That would be highly unprofessional."
"I'd still be doing my time until I get to go home, and you'd be watching me. The detention isn't about the room. It's about being with you."
>"That was a very poor attempt at being sweet."
"If you gave me roses I'd say you were a rose. I'm working with what I got."
>Miss Cheerilee hums then stands up and moves beside you
>"Very well, Anonymous. Let's go have detention."

>At the restaurant the waiter returns with the bill
>"Here you go Ma'am."
"Ah, ah, ah. My treat."
>"Anonymous?" Cheerilee questions in surprise
"I believe you are familiar with my mother. Put it on her tab. Under Bon Bon."
>"O-of course, sir." the waiter responds
>Momma didn't raise no fool either

>>31861520
>Day Detention in Equestria
>You never thought you would see this day
>Your Mom runs this town
>And here you are stuck in school by Miss Cheerilee
>This will not stand!
>You stand up from your desk
>"Sit down mister."
>And promptly sit back down
>It seems you are not going to get away so easily with Cheerilee watching
"Miss Cheerilee, I have to go to the bathroom."
>Cheerilee doesn't even bother looking up from the paper's she's grading
>"You used that excuse last time."
>Drats
"Miss Cheerilee, can I at least do my homework?"
>She hums for a second then agrees
>"Okay, but if I see another crossword puzzle from you I'm keeping it."
>Hoho, no worries there teacher
>You pretend to work all the while counting down the minutes until you can strike
"Miss Cheerilee."
>"Ugh, what is it Anonymous?"
"I'm confused about the homework. What's the difference between Misses and Miss?"
>She recoils from the question
>"They're-they're titles for adult ponies. For a stallion you always use the title Mister. For mares you use either Misses or Miss; Misses for if she is married, Miss if she is not."
"Is not what?"
>"Anonymous."
>You use your best innocent child look.
>"You use it for a mare who isn't married."
"Ooooh! So that's why we call you Miss Cheerilee."
>Another blow with a similar reaction
>"Y-yes."
"I get it now. Miss is a mare who MISSED getting married. That's so easy to remember. I'll never forget it now."
>A drawer opens behind Cheerilee's desk
>"I-I'm glad to hear that. I need to step out for a minute. Don't you dare get out of that chair."
"Scouts honor."
>You salute and Cheerliee walks out the door
>Pfft. Like you're a scout
>You break for the window seeing the open skies of freedom and throw open the glass pane
>Using a school chair, you climb up and over the windowsill
>Spinning around in order to lower yourself to the ground you blow a raspberry at the empty classroom and place your first foot on the ground
>"Going somewhere?"
>Frantically you look down to see that the ground is actually Miss Cheerilee
>"You'll have to do better than that."
>With the fury of an eight year old you skedaddle back in through the window
>You make for the door but find yourself unable to turn the handle
>Peering through the sliver of glass you can see Miss Cheerilee's pen acting as a perfect wedge
>"I've had a lot of practice with troublemakers such as you."
>You return to the window and slam it shut as not to hear her
>You can't get out, you are trapped like a rat
>If you can't get out then you have to make her think you have
>Under the desk? Too obvious
>Behind the curtains? Too small
>In the lockers? The lockers!

>A click and the handle turns from outside with the strawberry schoolteacher proudly stepping inside
>"I hope you understand the plight of your situation, Anon. You are going to sit here and serve your detention...Anonymous?"
>Her careful eye examines the room for the usual suspects
>No one under her desk, no hoofs behind the curtain
>Everything looks pristine except one of the lockers is ajar
>The locker!
>"Oh where oh where could he be? I've searched everywhere for him."
>She inches closer and closer singing her faux worry
>"Aha!"
>She throws open the locker only to find it empty
>You drop from behind the chalkboard and run through the door
>"Anonymous! You get back here!"

>Huff, huff, huff, huff
>Boy she can run fast
>"Somepony stop that colt!"
>You run through the market with a now fuming red horse hot on your tail
>Bum rushing passed the bystanders you bob and weave through the crowd hoping to lose her in the process
>A few try to make a grab for you, but your quick reactions and high intellect make you a slippery target
>"Don't think I can't see you behind that cart!"
>However, your biggest rival has had years of practice
>The chase continues store to store, carts full with goods spilling their wares onto the road as you run more for the sake of being afraid what she might do if she catches you than wanting to get free
>Thank the stars for your high diet of sugary candy
>"Anonymous, if you stop now I won't be mad."
>She's bargaining, she has to be losing steam
>You turn around for the briefest of seconds to see where she is, but instantly turn back around after finding her right behind you
>And in that moment of not paying attention you run right into the flank of some fat pink pony
>Before you can recover the original hound on your heels dives into you tackling you to the ground
"Ow."
>"You're in very big trouble mister."
"Hehe."

>"I can't believe you ran off like that. What has gotten into you?"
"Detention's lame. I don't want to be there."
>"Well it's no sugar and candy for me either. The last thing I want to do is be spending Hearts and Hooves day at work."
"Then why did you give me detention."
>"You put mud in Diamond Tiara's mane and gave Silver Spoon an Indian burn."
"They deserved it."
>"I'm sure they did, but that does not mean you should resort to violence. If you simply told me it would be those two sitting in detention instead of you."
"Momma didn't raise no tattletale."
>Miss Cheerliee sighs
>"Of course she didn't."
>Quick Anon, change the subject
"If you want to go out for Hearts and Hooves Day then why don't you?"
>"You mean besides having to chase you throughout Ponyville?"
>You put your angel face back on
>"That won't work."
>Like hell it wont.
>She stares at you yet you hold strong
>She sighs again
>It totally worked
>"As much as I would like to go out, I have nopony to go with this year. You may not understand it now, but when you are older you will realize that the one thing you never do is go out on Hearts and Hooves Day alone."
"Then you can go out with me."
>"Anonymous!"
"Hear me out. Neither of us want to sit there in the classroom for the rest of detention. Instead, let's go to that restaurant Mom always talks about."
>"That would be highly unprofessional."
"I'd still be doing my time until I get to go home, and you'd be watching me. The detention isn't about the room. It's about being with you."
>"That was a very poor attempt at being sweet."
"If you gave me roses I'd say you were a rose. I'm working with what I got."
>Miss Cheerilee hums then stands up and moves beside you
>"Very well, Anonymous. Let's go have detention."

>At the restaurant the waiter returns with the bill
>"Here you go Ma'am."
"Ah, ah, ah. My treat."
>"Anonymous?" Cheerilee questions in surprise
"I believe you are familiar with my mother. Put it on her tab. Under Bon Bon."
>"O-of course, sir." the waiter responds
>Momma didn't raise no fool either

===================================================================================================================

FRUITY ANONPENCIL

"Anonymous. Breakfast is ready." cries the voice of Twilight Sparkle too sweet to be real.
>You must be in another dream. It is either that or she is trying to butter you up before some awful experiment that flies directly into the face of your rights as a human being.
"My patience is wearing thin~"
>Now you know it is the later, and you know the longer you avoid her the worse she is going to get. The last time you refused to get out of bed she set it on fire so that you had to steal Spike's basket so you were not sleeping on the floor.
"If you wait any longer I'm going to give the food to Spike."
"Food? Actual food?"
>Anything she is willing to give to Spike cannot be good for anybody, but on the other hand Twilight is also a very spiteful bitch. That could be actual food down there, like an apology breakfast.
>Deciding to risk the dangers of another day you get dressed and hurry down the stairs. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
"There you are." she says with a complete lack of venom.
"Morning. What are you yelling about today?"
"I'm not yelling," she giggles as if she believes her own lie, "I'm merely offering. Here, eat this."
>She levitates a plate into your hand with a slice of green and pink triangle on it.
"It's a watermelon." you say bluntly.
"It's a watermelon." she reaffirms.
>You poke at the slice first testing it for rabies.
"Poison? Magic? Mix of both?"
"It's a watermelon I found. I promise you I have done absolutely nothing to it."
>Good enough for you.
>You open wide and bite down on the seedless flesh leaving nothing but the rind for Spike to dig at.
>Twilight watches you with a sparkle in her eye, the kind she gets whenever she is looking to learn something new.
"How are you feeling?" she asks almost immediately.
"The fact that you are asking that makes me concerned."
"I merely am wondering if it was to your liking."

>Oh. Maybe she is trying to be nice. Maybe you are being a dick then one time she actually seeks to make amends in this miserable life.
"It's juicy, and sweet. Good watermelon."
"Here, have another piece."
>You do so without question.

>The next hour you sit in the bathroom cradling your stomach while groaning in pain. It's like a baby the size of a beach ball is trying to burst through your gut like some sort of xenomorph.
>You may actually die—HURK!
>Vomit spews out of your mouth into the toilet at a furious pace.
"So, how are you feeling?" the cold-hearted torturer calls from the other side of the door.
"What did you do to me?" you squeeze out between projectile vomiting.
"I don't know. I told you I found it. I have no clue what it is. That's why I gave it to you."
"I wish Spike," you cry out in pain.
"I'm here for you Anon!" he responds from beyond the door
"Was in my place." you finish.

>Your body balloons with whatever monstrosity has inhabited your body, the pressure pushing your internal organs to the side and causing too much pain to even move.
>Twilight transferred you from the bathroom to her lab, using her magic to keep you still instead of simply ordering Spike to drag you down the stairs in the most simplest act of mercy.
>You tell yourself not to be fooled, she no doubt only worries about keeping her specimen intact. If you could blink without screaming in agony you would probably drive a stick down her throat for what she has done to you.
"Very interesting," Twilight mutters behind one of her many charts, "It seems the protrusions have connected with your nervous system and react to outside stimuli by sending pain signals to your brain."
>Using a small metallic wand that holds a weak electrical charge she prods one of the stalks to prove her point.
>You fight to do your best not to swallow your tongue.
"Luckily for you I'm here to monitor the progress so that no outside contamination ruins the experiment."

>Please Death, please, make it all go away. Bring the pain of suffering to an end.
"Now let's take a look at those x-rays."
>You do not know how many days you have been stuck down here. The pain, the blacking out, the drugs all swirl together making the consistent passage of time as foreign as...as...your brain is too worn to even make an analogy.
"Arms and legs seem to be mostly developed. I can't wait to see what type of reproduction process this ends in. With how much of it is sticking out of the body already I would guess it will just rip itself apart from the host."
>You groan as the only act you can manage.
"Oh, hi Anon. I have great news. You're going to be a father!" she cheers.
"Uuugh."
"Don't try to be too excited. This is going to be your child you know, you could show a little enthusiasm. Especially after you giving me that lecture about Flurry Heart."
>Flurry...Heart?
>Father...Child?
>A sudden jab pulls at the very lining of your stomach. You scream bloody murder drowning out the gut-wrenching sound of tearing flesh.
"Oooh! Oooh! It looks like my hypothesis is right!"
>How you have a voice at all is a miracle, but the only thought dominating your mind is how much this hurts. If you were to be decapitated at this instant you would still be a screaming head.
>It does not take long for the pain to become overbearing to the point you faint.

>You wake up groggy, dry mouthed, and with a bloody tear along your chest that will no doubt leave a disfiguring scar, but somehow you are still breathing.
>You listen to the steady beeping of the machines, alone in the dark room and more than thankful for it. In truth, you would rather still be sleeping, but not having Twilight here is a close second.
"Morning sleepyhead."
>The purple pony appears out of existence bringing a close to your happy thoughts.
"I know you must be tired, but I couldn't wait to share with you any longer. Look!"
>She holds up a tiny human infant. A perfect human infant.

"It's your Son."
"Son?" you barely manage to croak out.
"Yup. I guess that makes the watermelon the mother. I ran some tests and although it looks just like you, its body is actually made up of fruit tissue. Isn't that fascinating?"
>She coos to the baby boy.
"Yes it is. It's very fascinating. Who's a little apricot? Who's a little apricot?"
>Fruit son?
"Oh, and since I know you are curious, I did a rudimentary poke around your organs after Junior popped out. There are no signs of any lasting damage. You'll make a full recovery."
>At last, the ordeal is over and you finally have some good news.
"Now let's go upstairs and let Daddy rest. Maybe next time we can try and make you a sister."
>What little fluid remains in your body pools around your eyes as you are too weak to weep.

===================================================================================================================

TO MY BROTHER'S FROM ANOTHER MOTHER

>Knock Knock
>You grudgingly get out of bed and open the door
>Fluttershy sits on your stoop
"It's 3 AM!"
>"Is sleep deprivation your fetish?"
"No! Now get out and never ask that question again!"
>"What about bags under mare's eyes?"
"If I wanted a NEET, I'd have hounded Twilight before she got wings."
>"O-oh. I see. Just Twilight then?"
"Maybe Rarity."
>"What do they have that I don't have?"
"A horn."
>You slam the door in her face and return to bed
>"I'll show you Anon. If that is what I must do then that is what I must do."
>You know she will do something crazy and come back
>But that's later, and right now you are just happy you are not
>Fucking Fluttershy

===================================================================================================================

MAUD LETTERS

"Dear Maud,
How are you? I am good.
Bye.
Anonymous"

>"Dear Anonymous,
>I am good. Thanks.
>Maud"

"Dear Maud,
Today was cold."

>"Dear Anonymous,
>Sorry to hear. The stone walls of the cave retains their temperature from underground.

"Dear Maud,
The cumulus clouds were very full today as marked by their grey color. It will probably rain tomorrow."

>"Dear Anon,
>Thank you for the notice. I will carry an umbrella."

"Dear Maud,
Pinkie says Hi.
HI MAUD! <3"

>"Dear Anonymous,
>Hi Pinkie."

"Dear Maud,
2000 is a big number."

>"Dear Anonymous,
>It is when you count to 20 100 times."

"Dear Maud,
I think this is the point where I go crazy."

>"Dear Anonymous,
>Sorry to hear that."

===================================================================================================================

END THINE TORMENT

>You stare at the computer screen idly passing the time
>'Hey. Hey you.'
"Me?"
>'Yeah, you. I can grant you the power to become stronger than you could ever imagine. You could have anything you want and crush anyone in your path. You would be able to blot at the very sun if you so wished, and ponies would bow at your feet doing anything you say!'
"Ponies?"
>'Forget that part. Interested?'
"Sure."
>A shadow spews from underneath your chair and envelops you whole. The next thing you see is a throne room full of various colorful ponies.
>"The Man on the Moon!"
>"No, it's the Man of Shadows!"
>"I thought we were fighting Discord again."
>"You're all wrong. It's Sombra with a new mane style."
>'Those are the ones. Those are the ponies who oppose your will and seek to destroy you.'
"Destroy me? But I don't even know them."
>'They don't care.'
"What about the two bigger horses hiding behind the six...seven...eight, are they multiplying?"
>'Crush them too. Crush all of them!'
"If you say so."
>You wave your hand just now noticing the weird black flame like gunk all over you.
"Hey, how ya doing? Name's Anonymous. Apparently I'm the next villain."
>"Alright girls," the pony in the middle shouts, "you know what we need. The power of friendship!"
>Six of the several small horses start glowing and rise into the air followed by a ray of color shooting from each one and culminating into one big beam.
>A literal rainbow splashes into you.
>You wipe off your shirt.
"Sorry, I'm not really looking for friends. We can still be...acquaintances."
>"Impossible!"
>"The elements have never failed us before!"
>The large white horse wearing fancy jewelry steps up from behind the group.
>"Anonymous, if I may ask what is it exactly that you want?"
"I dunno. A million dollars?"
>"Done."
"What? Seriously?"
>'Don't believe her lies!'
"I also want a place I can live for free. Made to my specifications."
>"Agreed."
>'What! Stop this foolishness!'

"Sorry pal, I've got what I wanted, and banishing people to the nether realm sounds like work."
>'You can't be serious! Think of the power you are throwing away!'
"Oh, and I want...that one," you point to the pink and purple unicorn
>"Me?"
"to be my guide. I don't want to find out later that my house was built in the ghetto."
>The black horse steps up to stand by the white horse.
>"The contract has been settled. Spirit, leave this body and never return again!"
>A magical wind whips the black goo from your body somewhere into the midnight sky
>'You'll regret this!'
"Oh, I like her. I change my mind. I want her to be my guide."
>"Very well. You may reside in the castle until a suitable abode has been constructed. In the mean time I suggest you learn the names of your hosts. I am Princess Luna."
>"And I am Princess Celestia. We both thank you for helping expose the remnants of the lingering darkness, and for being so willing to part with its temptation."
"Don't mention it. Working sucks."
>"If I may ask you another question Anonymous."
"Shoot."
>"What is a dollar?"
"Noooooooooooooooo!"
>The spirit was right, you do regret this

===================================================================================================================