The Gang Plays A Tabletop Game

Dice were interesting things. They were fickle, they were fun, but most of all, they were fair.

“Can you guys just fucking leave already?”

Freddy looked up from the cards in his hands at Mike, who scowled back at him through the window to his office. The bear, and the rest of the animatronic cast for that matter, was camped outside of one of Mike’s doors. The four of them had been there for what felt like hours, and no amount of heckling from the peanut gallery could get them to pack their things up and go.

Freddy put his cards down and absentmindedly swatted Bonnie’s hand away when the rabbit attempted to peek. “What do you mean, Mike? We always crowd around your doors at night.”

Mike’s scowl deepened. “Yeah,” he said, “for a few minutes or so. Then you wander off to do other shit until you decide to start bothering me again.” The guard thought for a moment, then reached out with a hand to jab the light button a few times.

Bonnie and Chica hissed at the lights, their eyes momentarily darkening to pure blackness with white pinpricks, but Freddy was nonplussed. “Listen, Mike. We deserve some time to ourselves to de-stress every once in a while. What better way to do that than by playing a game?” The bear picked his hand back up, cleared his throat with a thoroughly unnecessary cough which spit sparks from his neck, and then glanced at Chica. “Got any threes?”

Chica double-checked her hand, then mumbled a soft “Go fish.”

“Well,” Mike said. “Can’t you pricks just go and play your game…” Mike rubbed his chin. “I dunno, literally anywhere else than here?”

“You know, Mr. Schmidt, you seem like you could use some de-stressing of your own. Maybe you’d be interested in a game or two?” The bear wriggled his eyebrows at Mike.

“The only thing I’m interested in is you three leaving so that my power doesn’t run out.”

Bonnie took the chance to jump into the conversation. “You know, you might be able to convince us to leave if you play with us a bit first. There’s a game in the back we’ve been meaning to play for a while now and you’re in a perfect position to join in with us.”

The guard snorted. “Oh yeah, what’s that? Candyland? Old Maid? Chutes and Ladders?”

“I thought it was called Snakes and Ladders?” Freddy said.

“Hold on,” Bonnie said, getting up from their spot sitting on the floor with a small grunt.  “I’ll get everything we need to play.”

Mike called down the hall at the rabbit as they walked away. “I didn’t agree to shit yet!”

He was ignored.



Bonnie dropped an excessively large and heavy binder on the floor. The impact was loud and made a cloud of dust shoot up, and Chica squawked in fright and scrambled back before she realized what was going on.

Mike peered out the door, then sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You brought fucking Hazards and Horrors.”

“Oh, good!” chirped Bonnie. “So you know it.”

“Yeah, I used to play it with some buddies on the weekends back in high school,” Mike said. “But that’s not the point. Why do you even have that and why should I bother playing it?”

Bonnie was unfazed by the questions Mike fired off, instead counting on their fingers. “Well first of all, after some dumb Satanism scare a few years back we found a bunch of copies in the dumpster out back, so we snagged everything we needed to play. Second of all, if you don’t play with us then we won’t leave.”

Mike set his jaw and stared back at the rabbit for a while, then sighed. “Fine. Fucking fine. But I don’t have any supplies, and I sure as hell ain’t going to open this door.”

“Dice and sheets are in the top left drawer,” Freddy chimed in, pencil stuck behind his ear and focus almost entirely centered on his character sheet.

Chica shuffled her feet, trying and failing to meet Mike’s eyes. “We were hoping that you’d be the game master for us.”

Mike felt a headache coming along.

Freddy clapped two massive hands together. “Alright, so who’s playing what?”

Chica was the first to speak up. “I was planning on playing a female human Priest. We might need healing, so…”

“Marvelous,” Freddy said. Chica smiled under the praise and ducked her head. “Bonnie?”

“Minstrel. Also human,” Bonnie answered simply.

“What gender?”

Bonnie’s only response was a smile.

“Okay, well I’m going to play a troll Barbarian.” Freddy rubbed his heads together and chuckled. “It’ll feel nice to cut loose and crack some heads.”

Mike sipped his coffee, desperately wishing that it was both hotter and in more abundant supply. He would be needing it.



The town of New Cumnock was a small one. Its houses were squat and thin, and if its streets could be called cramped then its alleyways would be downright claustrophobic. Regardless, smoke trailed merrily into the sky from many dwellings, and the people walking down the streets and avenues seemed to be a happy bunch.

The only area of interest nearby was the quarry which lay just beyond the wall surrounding the town, although a path which ran into the nearby Mossflower Woods – more of a trail stomped flat by countless feet over countless years than any true road – could lead travelers to a nearby abbey.

The most noteworthy thing about the town, however, was its inhabitants. A wide collection of races called New Cumnock their home, from lanky elves to stubby gnomes and everything in between. New Cumnock was a town on the edge of mostly unclaimed wilderness – mostly because various tribes of varying savagery had long ago staked their claims on the Woods and the steppes beyond – and therefore all manner of those danger-and-treasure-seekers knows as adventurers passed through regularly.

In the sole tavern of New Cumnock, a meeting between a small group of adventurers was taking place. Each were drawn to the town for their own reasons, but as they were all heading the same way they decided to travel together.

“Bahahahaha!” The laughter of a troll drew the attention of the tavern briefly. He was incredibly large, the edge of the table he was sitting at barely capable of reaching his knees. A massive green hand came down to slam the table with a meaty thwack, and the two others sitting at the table hurried to grab their drinks to keep them from spilling.

“Tell me again, what you did to puny goblins,” the troll demanded through his howls.

The human sitting across from him, dressed in various shades of reds and purples and entirely androgynous, smiled back at the troll. “Well, like I said. First I set up some illusions…”

The third and final member of the group, a girl dressed entirely in neutral blacks and whites, sighed into her cup of juice. She was meant to be heading to the nearby abbey to help teach some of the children which lived there, and when the two she sat with offered to travel with her she had at first thought herself to be quite lucky. Travel companions made any journey more enjoyable, after all, and the Mossflower Woods held no lack of danger.

Now, though, she was feeling as though it was quite unlucky of her to stumble upon them. They had sat around the tavern all day, confident that if they waited long enough something interesting would come their way. All of her insistences that there would surely be something interesting in the woods if they would only travel through it were met with scoffs from the human and gentle head patting from the troll.

The girl sighed again, longer and deeper, as she saw a distressed woman run into the tavern, look around frantically, and then run to her table when her eyes alighted on the other two. This would only encourage them.

The woman, as it turned out, needed someone to help her find her friend, who had gone missing in the Mossflower Woods. The troll immediately accepted, stating that he was unable to refuse a request from a damsel in distress – although not in such articulate words – and was out the tavern door, club in hand, before the other two could even get out of their seats.

“Thank you so much,” the woman cried profusely. “I cannot offer much as a reward, but I swear you three will not leave empty-handed.”

“Yeah, yeah,” muttered the androgynous one, before slinging a lute onto their back and heading for the door. The priestess followed close behind.

“Wait,” cried the woman. “May I at least know the names of my heroes?”

The minstrel pointed a thumb at themselves, “Bon,” and then gestured at their companion. “Chi.”

With that, they were gone. Bon and Chi had to sprint to catch up to the troll’s long strides, and it wasn’t until they had passed the town’s walls before they were even with him.

“Geez, hold up Fred,” Bon said. “You know we can’t run as fast as you.”

The troll, Fred, laughed at him but slowed down. Bon and Chi nodded their heads in thanks and kept pace with him.

“You left before we could even talk about payment, too,” Bon continued, slightly annoyed.

Fred shrugged, his shoulders moving up ponderously slow. “Just want to hit stuff.” He emphasized his point by smacking his club against his palm.

“I get ya, big guy, but not everyone is satisfied with just making things go splat.”

Chi thought to herself that even no payment at all would be worth it as long as they traveled at least partway to the abbey.

Together, the threesome traveled into the Mossflower Woods. The trees were sparse at first, but grew denser with every step until a canopy of leaves blocked all but the most stubborn rays of sunlight. Birds chirped and insects buzzed, and in the far distance a small stream gurgled. It was peaceful, and it seemed like nothing could interrupt the relaxing atmosphere.



A loud crash echoed throughout the building when Foxy stepped on some dice and slipped. He sailed through the air like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel, did a somersault, and landed flat on his face. A moment of shocked silence later and he jumped up, nose pointed at an angle and hook pointed at Mike.

“Yarr, Mr Schmidt. Ye forgot to check me Cove, and now I’m goin’ ta make ye pay for it!”

“We’re kind of in the middle of something, Foxy,” Bonnie said drily.

Foxy jumped and spun around to face the rabbit. His good hand flew to his chest. “Bonnie! Don’t scare me like that! When did ye get here?” At that, Foxy lifted his eyepatch and peered around, only just now noticing the others. “And, uhh, the rest of ye.”

Bonnie facepalmed. “Like I said, we’re busy right now. You can skewer Mike later.”

“He can do so such thing!” Mike yelled.

Foxy looked at the dice, the sheets of paper, and the makeshift map Chica was drawing on construction paper in crayon, all of which were lying on the floor. Then he looked at the three animatronics, sitting in a loose circle. The he looked back. He rubbed his jaw with his hook, cursed when it made yet another hole, looked at Mike, rubbed his jaw again – this time with his good hand – and hummed. The gears in his head were grinding together as they overworked themselves.

“…Yer all playing that nerd game!” He finally shouted. Chica went back to doodling a map. “All of ye, yer all a buncha nerds!”

“Are you quite finished?” Freddy asked patiently.

“Dorks! Dweebs! Wonks!” Foxy yelled. “… Alright, now I’m done.”

Freddy nodded his head. “Alright then. We were just in the middle of a quest to rescue someone lost in the woods if you’d care to join us.”

“Don’t mind if I do.”

Freddy made room for the fox, who sat down and promptly grabbed a character sheet and a pencil and began writing.

Mike’s headache got worse.



Birds chirped and insects buzzed, and in the far distance a small stream gurgled. Not all was peaceful, however. The obvious sounds of a struggle could be heard just ahead of the group, and they hurried forwards to discover the cause.

There, in a clearing, was a figure dressed in all black and brandishing a dagger. As they watched, the figure did a pirouette and lashed out with their short blade, drawing a red line across the throat of a kobold which was charging forward with a spear. The kobold tumbled to the ground and didn’t get up, and the figure turned to face them.

“Halt right there,” he called, “Lest my kunai draw thy blood and my terrible jutsu end thy lives!” His empty hand came up and formed a fist, in which a dark flame blazed.



“Foxy, what the fuck,” Mike said. “You’re a Thief, Thieves can’t use magic.”

 “I’m no thief, Mike. I be a ninja.”

“Must not be a very good ninja if we found you that easily,” Bonnie muttered.



Introductions were hastily made and the thief – “Ninja, Mike!” – joined the group. Kitsune, as he was called, had journeyed into the forest in search of a powerful foe to vanquish, and was planning on traveling deeper in hopes that a worthy opponent could be found there.

It didn’t take much longer for Kitsune’s desires to be fulfilled, for it was only moments later that the party rounded a bend into a clearing and came across a terrible beast. It was massive, even larger than Fred, and a penetrating gaze which left them all rooted in place. The beast shifted, and sunbeams filtering through the leaves flashed along its scales. The beast stretched out a pair of wings, aimed its pointed face into the sky, opened its fearsome jaw, and exhaled. A gout of fire blazed into the sky, painting the surroundings in an orange glow.

Even as the wave of heat blasted across them, Fred and Kitsune whooped with excitement and sprang forward. Their weapons were held at the ready, and they rushed forwards, ready for battle.



“A dragon, Mike?” Bonnie said. “Really? We’re way too low level for this encounter. We’ll all get wiped in a single turn.” The rabbit frowned at the guard through the window of his office.

“Oh, gee,” Mike drawled sarcastically. “It must really suck to have someone try to set you up for failure by putting you in a scenario that’s impossible to win.”



It was only moments later that the party rounded the bend into a clearing and came face-to-face with a large panther feasting upon a corpse and a dark elf sitting on a stump polishing a sword which glowed with an inner light.

Both panther and dark elf looked up at the intruders into their clearing and took aggressive stances. The panther licked the blood off of its lips and crouched down, ready to pounce, while the elf held its sword in both hands and prepared to charge.

Fred, Kitsune, and Bon all prepared for combat while Chi moved a half-step back and prepared her healing spells. The latter two didn’t fail to notice that the half-eaten corpse on the ground matched the description of the man who had gone missing.



“That’s kind of lazy to put the person we’re looking for right here as our first encounter,” Freddy said.

Mike downed what remained of his coffee and ignored him.



Combat started without any exchanged words. Fred waded into battle, trying to attract as much attention as possible and confident in his ability to take any damage dealt to him. He frowned down at the foolish dark elf warrior wielding a magic sword when it stepped forth to oppose him, and the panther slinked behind the troll before leaping for his back and raking its claws against his tough hide.

Fred grunted in pain, momentarily distracted, and blocked the follow-up sword slash with his club. The metal of the sword dug into the wood, and Fred took the opportunity to land a hard kick to the dark elf’s stomach. The dark elf bent double, bile rising in its throat, but it pulled its sword free and began a flurry of strikes.

The panther raked its claws on Fred’s back once again, and then bared its fangs before attempting to bite through its prey’s neck. Fred flailed around when he felt the teeth, bucking like an angry bull in his attempts to shake the panther free.

Kitsune darted into the fray wielding his dagger. It flashed in the sunlight, small slices drawing blood with every move the ninja made. He danced around Fred, targeting both the panther and the elf and dashing out of reach whenever they attempted to retaliate.

In the back of the clearing stood Bon and Chi. Bon held a crossbow in one hand and intermittently fired bolts, aiming mostly at the panther clinging to Fred’s back. In between every projectile the minstrel barked out an insult or melodically sang a tune. Magic was weaved into every syllable, mesmerizing all who heard it. Fred felt himself grow stronger with every word he heard, while the elf grew clumsier with every insult.

Chi was also weaving together magic, except hers was focused on healing. She was unable to keep up with every cut made on Fred’s body – there were just too many already there, with more being opened up every second – but what ones she did focus on closed up with a hiss.

Alas, the tide of battle soon turned. The dark elf landed a powerful blow on Fred, felling him, before turning to face Bon and Chi. His glowing sword grew steadily brighter, until it flashed with a light more intense than the sun. Bon and Chi were left blinded, unable to see a target to cast their spells. All they could hear was bellows of rage from Fred and the snarls of the panther.

Kitsune cursed. Fred lay on the ground, grappling the panther and incapable of defending himself against the dark elf. He rushed forward, dagger raised in the air, and tried to draw attention to himself in order to give Fred a chance to fight back. Unfortunately, it worked too well, as both of his enemies instantly pounced onto him.

When Bon and Chi finally regained their vision, it was to see Fred and Kitsune both incapacitated on the ground and their two enemies rushing towards them. Before Bon could act, Chi stepped forward. From beneath her robes she pulled a mace covered in wicked spikes. Then she leaped forward, met her two opponents, and promptly bludgeoned them both to death.

Blood sprayed in an arc with every swing of her weapon. The first blow was an uncharacteristically powerful one to the head of the panther, which killed it instantly. The dark elf warrior tried to move back and assume a defensive stance, but Chi was upon him before he could do so, and he met a similar fate after three crushing swings.

Chi continued to hammer her mace into her unmoving opponents. Their skulls slowly became unrecognizable, turned into a smear on the forest floor. Fragments of bone flew everywhere, and her robes were soon stained a dark crimson.



Everyone stared at Chica as she continued to pantomime swinging a weapon. She released a savage grunt with every swing, bashing against the tile floor until it broke beneath her assault. Then she threw her head back and yelled. The shrill yell echoed down the halls, and when she finally stopped her eyes were wide and her body was shaking.

Then Chica looked around at everyone. Freddy was staring back at her with even wider eyes than her own, Bonnie refused to meet her gaze, Mike had his head hidden behind a screen, and Foxy had his eyepatch flipped open.

The fox whistled appreciatively and then chuckled when Chica hid her head in her hands. “Didn’t know ye had it in ye, lass.”

Chica buried her face even deeper into her hands and tried to sink into the floor.



Chi healed Fred and Kitsune after the fight was over before collecting what was left of the corpse they were sent in to find to take back to town.

“What we do with corpse in town,” Fred asked.

“Hand it over to the authorities, I guess,” Bon answered. “They usually stick them in a metal coffin and then bury them at the next nightfall, if I’m remembering correctly. As long as there’s enough to bury, at least.”

Chi frowned. How sad.

The group made it back to town without incident, and quickly handed the corpse over to the proper authorities. The woman who gave them the quest sobbed tremendously while Fred tried to comfort her, and gave them a meager reward for their troubles.



“And then you all said your goodbyes and went your separate ways, never to forget what little time you spent with one another. The end. Now could you get away from my damn doors? I’m running real low on power here.”

“No need to hurry us, Mike,” Freddy tutted as he cleaned up.

Bonnie, meanwhile, was talking to Chica. “I didn’t think we were going to make it out of there after that dark elf got a crit on Freddy, but you paying that panther back with one of your own was pretty cool.”

Chica preened under the praise, much more excited than any of the others had seen her in quite some time. “I know, it was awesome!”

Foxy hopped to his feet and walked down the hall, tossing a wave over his shoulder as he went. “I’ll see you losers later, I’ve got some late-night anime to catch up on.”

Mike collapsed into his chair. “How about we never do this again, okay?”

Freddy smiled back at the guard. “How about you roll a die to decide your fate?”

Mike snorted but did so anyways. “Oh no,” he said in a flat monotone. “I rolled a 1.”

Freddy chuckled. “Critical failure. Your poor luck seals your fate, as you fail to notice a spirit manifest itself beside you. It watches you for a while, waiting for you to realize its presence. The room grows cold, and it is only when you see your breath that you realize something is wrong. A shiver runs down your spine, and you slowly turn only to meet your doom.”

Mike rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to make a smartass remark, only to notice his breath rising from his lips in a curling white mist. He felt something cold run down his back, and he spun around to check the rest of his office.

A golden Freddy costume sat collapsed against Mike’s desk. It was completely empty of any endoskeleton, and yet Mike could feel its gaze locked onto him from its empty eye sockets.  He didn’t have time to scream.

Freddy hummed a tune under his breath as he tucked away everyone’s papers into a binder for next time. Bonnie and Chica walked ahead to the party room, Chica talking Bonnie’s ears off and Bonnie listening amusedly. Freddy smiled at the sight and followed after them. It was nice to see Chica come out of her shell once in a while.

The bear animatronic paused at the end of the hall and glanced back to the office. He tsked and shook his head. “How unfortunate.”