Kahooting for a booting.

I think I found the plot that you so clearly have lost. But good news on the amazon delivery though, turns out your left hook will be delivered on Monday. I just saw your nans tomb on time team when she was buried in the cretaceous period and by golly that head shape is so peculiar I would compare it to a chip shop bin. But that isn't as ugly as you. How did you see us trying to leave school if we were on the colonnade outside D-block? And where were you off to when you caught us because there weren't any under 12s in the tards room if that's what you were looking for. The only thing you should be looking for now is your brain cells after I suplex city you into a brick wall with the words “Orkneys a bell end” graffiti sprayed on it. In fact, you should be looking for a decent excuse for when your parents ask you why you are such a noncey faggot and then disown you. That's if you have any family members left when I torch your nans house when you’re having your family gathering.

P.S. I've just seen a frog with a tumour as big as your head, and my word, compared to you it was beautiful. And that tumour is big, because let's be honest your head is about 700 cubic metres. Listen matey, if you so much as utter a word at me or Richard again I'll shove your prize possession football so far up your arse you'll be breathing the offside rule, which I'm surprised is not the case now as your forehead is about a mile offside anyway. I will suffocate you with a sports direct bag for life if you look at me one more time with that radiator head of yours. What fucking radiation do you emit from that thing because it's about as big as the earth, and the core of your brain will supply me with a year’s worth of electromagnetic waves.

Honestly fella your head looks like the BFGs scrotum except your head is about 11 times bigger than them. You my son, need to learn the infamous 2B's. Behave and Be quiet. If you have not learnt that for homework before the left hook arrives in the post, I'll sell you another one with free next day delivery.

Don't expect to see me on Monday. In fact, don't expect to see anyone but the guard of heaven’s gate. After I'm finished with you, you'll be walking around attached to a drip for three years but because I want you to die quicker and in more pain, I'll replace your drip with hydrochloric acid that was collected from your dead nan’s stomach.

The last thing you want to be doing is looking at me. In fact, looking in my general direction will land you with a blow to the left jaw. I will use your calamitously shaped head as a bowling bowl and don't you worry sonny Jim, I'll get as many strikes with your head as you will get with my fist. You better hope Alex is not at a session in Billacombe because that's where your first missing body part will land and I'm sure Alex will not be happy if your ring finger clashes with his noggin.

Also you'd better hope the man from the John Lewis advert is not home because you will be in for a rude awakening when your thighs destroy his shed. There's one ferry out of order right now and I could land an Antanov AN-225 on your head let alone park a few cars on it. Do you want the good news or bad news first? Well tough luck because I'm picking for you. We'll start with the bad news which is that your head still looks like a stillborn baby, which won't be stillborn after I do CPR on it with my boot.

The good news is that when I've shit on your eyelids you will become slightly more attractive and could possibly compare with the chip shop bin from earlier. But that's only if the bin has been Kuh-hooting. Kuh-hooting for what you ask? Well it's pointless telling you I should just demonstrate on your head but I'll give you the rundown. It's Kuh-hooting for a booting which is not as bad as what your Kuh-hooting for which is a shooting with my 44 glock which I will carefully extract from your Vauxhaul Corsa and precisely pop two pellets in the back of your bean. Not only are you Kuh-hooting for a shooting but you are also grafting, grafting full pelt for a shafting which will be carried out by my good friend no neck newton who will leave you looking like a dodecahedron.