feels bad that i get consistently ignored when i feel bad bc dealing with me is a massive pain especially when they try to challenge my low self esteem

but that low self esteem reaches delusion like levels of belief! i'm mentally ill! i've been this way for longer than i can remember! i don't enjoy being like this! if i have an outburst that's the culmination of all my socioeconomic factors and 8 straight years of mental illness it can't be expected to go away just bc someone sent me a tweet saying "i don't hate u" with little evidence to back it up tbh!

but i'm mentally ilL! i have to internalise every single thing i come across! obviously if this happens it means i don't deserve comforting or consolation! i'm not worth it! i'm not worth dealing with! not getting comforted while having a breakdown about how i think no one cares about me will just reaffirm my suspicions that no one cares about me!

my mental illness is a feedback loop! i hate not getting attention but i hate getting attention too! i hate not getting worthless compliments but i hate them too! i hate useless meaningless attempts at comfort but i hate not getting them too!

i don't want anything to change i'm just angry about it! i'll die from having self esteem but i'll also get riled the hell up if anyone on the internet dares to argue with me about i should feel better about myself! i hate being comforted! i feel bad when i'm being comforted about having low self esteem precisely because i have low self esteem! i want to die! bad!

i don't want anyone to read this and feel bad and do something about it i just wnt to die
god i hate myself for this bad post i hate myself so much i feel slightly ill
GOD I'M SO
fjucking wasted the night by being mentally ill
i hate myself so much that i feel like breathing is attention seeking. even if i don't tweet about something i'll feel that the urge to do/say it is attention seeking. at its core

i think i have other things to say but my thoughts are VERY scattered and this took like 3 entire attempts to right

god no offence but.. the duality of man but........... it rly is bs that this happens....... it feel s bad.... but my self loathing is suffocating me...... i can't consider my position injustice.... if this happens it's a natural progression and was meant to.......it's no wonder that people hate me god it's this close but anyway

i mean what RLY TAKES THE CAKE is that it's not like i rly try to comfort other people. so as usually as like every other day of my life today i'm just being horrible and manipulative and nasty and expecting something without giving anything in return or putting in the effort myself. as usual i'm horrible