To what once was my dearest friend,

I loved you. I still do, but a part of me is so dead right now that I cannot help but feel empty.
I don't know any other way to say it but this one: I love you even if you kill me. You are the person I trusted the most, even if everything I ever said about having trust issues was true I wanted to just overcome them for you.  I did in the end and I trusted you not to leave me, I gave you the space you wanted to and I wanted to be as strong as possible for you, whenever you needed it. I am so incredibly sorry that you feel that our friendship disappeared like dust in the wind. Every word you say has a meaning to me. I am writing this because we might never get to talk again and I just want to put my heart into it once and for all. If this is the last conversation we'll ever have  then so be it, but I feel like if I don't write this and send it to you I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. If this is really to be our last conversation than I want you to at least have this letter when thinking about it. I never lied to you, not even once. I was always sincere in my feelings and I really tried my best for you. I am human too and I told you once that when we started our friendship I am a lot worse of a person than you could imagine. I was so afraid of losing you that I ended up really doing so, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that either. I trusted you, cared for you more than anyone else in my life. Even if this friendship is to end now I am still not going to ever forget about it. Even if do, I won't. Not now and not in 60 years when I'll be old and in a wheelchair. I will still remember you as that one friend who gave me the happiest 8 months of my life. Even if we couldn't be together IRL it didn't matter because we had each other to talk to, to listen to, to joke to each other about and to just be around one another. I don't know when exactly all of this changed but I don't want to consider our memories as just "dust in the wind". I really don't want to lose you still, even if I know that I don't deserve you.