lost in the sauce

It was far from the first time that she had done this. Back before everything happened, there was her, an apartment, and a marijuana plant. It wasn’t perfect, but she sustained on it, fighting back the abusive whispers in her head with gentle silence and peace.

When all of that had happened, she had abandoned that fight out of grief and turned to something harsher. The taste of the liquor got its hooks into her, punishing her for being such a disappointment with a painful burn and taking a baseball bat to all of the rich feelings that came before, with the weed. She became numb, and it didn’t take long for that not to be enough. She needed to be even more numb, and the hissing she heard in the bottle in that awful state promised it could take her there. She would be foolish not to listen.

Before she knew it, she was dying. Eventually, it was too much for her body to handle, and only by the hand of the sister she had made sure didn’t find out was she even still alive. And even once she was stable, the harrowing still wasn’t over. Her body was wracked by tremors, and most of that week was completely gone from her brain, having been erased by countless seizures. She was told that she became violent, chasing after things that weren’t there, but she didn’t remember a thing about it.

Then, all at once, it was over. Not fully, no. The tremors lasted for a few more days after she had been released and driven to this farm. But suddenly, she could think. Suddenly, she could feel. And that might have been more jarring to her than anything else about this. She arrived afraid, dejected and in pain, left with nothing to keep those abusive whispers at bay. And the thing inside her mind that had tormented her for her entire life reveled in it. Around every corner, a new reminder that she was worthless, a disappointment, a load on the lives of everyone around her. Better off dead, because who would ever really love her?

It took a little while to accept that these people didn’t hate her from the outset. That the farm owner really had no ulterior motives, and that this nervous roommate of hers was in just as much pain as she was. They grew close as friends, that way. At least, she felt they did. It was hard to say what he felt about her, she couldn’t read minds. But she did think of him fondly. She still didn’t quite know what had led him here, but she had accepted by now that maybe she never would. But having the constant company was as much of a help to her as she hoped she was to him.

Now, here they both were, on the floor of the main house, with a platter of edibles before them. She didn’t hesitate to take one, taking it down in nearly a single bite before slipping on her headphones and just waiting. It always took longer to hit if you were eating it. After a while, she glanced over to her companion, who looked uncertain, as if he were about to reach for another one. She prepared herself to stop him, because there was no way he was ready to go on a trip that intense, but it was easy to see the expression on his face change when it finally hit. The uncertainty faded quickly into surprise, then contentment, and maybe even a little hint of joy.

She couldn’t help but smile about that, and the high hit her very shortly after. Yes, she remembered this, but it hadn’t hit this hard in a long time. The strums of the guitar sent a shudder down her spine, and her heart beat in time with the drumbeats. The synths sent a wave of sensation like being touched down her skin, gentle, like the touch of a human being. Colors were bright again, details were interesting again. Emotions ran like rivers through her, and no whispers were there to remind her of how terrible she was.

She motioned for him to come over, and gave him the second set of headphones attached to her splitter. Once he seemed settled, she chose something that she considered gentle to ease him into the feeling. She remembered her first time. The bass like a shove to the chest, waking you up to every burning detail. And when he opted to lean on her, she returned that favor.

That contact right now felt like the best thing she had ever felt. The warmth, the softness of his skin and clothes... Oh, god, had she always been this… touch-starved? Or was it just the shock of a high that she hadn’t felt in a long time?

No, there was no need to think about it now.

Just enjoy the moment.