A Very Nintendria Christmas

  [pan over live-action houses]
    Narrator [Anya]: And now, direct from Encino, America's favorite pirate and president of the Zora Blackwood fan club, Cherry the Pirate. ‘‘[The exterior of Cherry's house is shown. The name "Cherry" appears. Inside, Cherry is wrapping presents]
    Cherry: ’’ [to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, yo ho ho ho ho ho. ‘‘[she notices he's on air] Oh! Hi. ‘‘[she waves] I'm Cherry the Pirate, president of the Zora Blackwood fan club! ‘‘[She notices a long piece of confetti on her hook and tries to shake it off. She pulls on it and whacks herself in the eye, giving her a black eye. She switches her patch over to the other eye] Hey, that's better! ‘‘ [Denzia, a puppet bird on strings, flies in]
    Denzia: ’’ [squawk] Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
    Cherry: That's right, Denzia! It is Christmas. ‘‘[she limps over to the fireplace] And there ain't nothing better in the seven seas than a Bel Air Christmas. It sure is a magical time of year. ‘‘[she blows on her pipe, and bubbles emerge] Why, I'll bet old Zora is gearing up for Ranthael Claus right now! ‘‘[She picks up a picture of Zora. Cut to Zora, holding a remote]
    Zora: I sure am! ‘‘[She presses a button on the remote. A large chimney rises from the ground next to her house, and a gigantic funnel pops out of it with the words "Welcome Ranthael" in neon letters] I'm ready! ‘‘ [Cherry laughs]
    Cherry: Not bad for a creature with no vertebrae. ‘‘[she puts down Sponge's picture] And I'm sure our pal Jack is doing his share of the decorating. ‘‘[She picks up a picture of Jack. Cut to Jack standing by his house with a dopey smile on his face. Zoom out to reveal a single Xmas ball hanging from the antenna on top of his rock. It snaps off and hits the ground, and Jack does as well. Now, Cherry is mixing cookie dough] I too am also preparing for Christmas. ‘‘[she lifts up the mixer] Hmm, unbaked cookie dough! ‘‘ [she takes a lick] Mmm...
    Denzia: ’’ [squawk] Denzia want cookie dough! ‘‘[he flies over, squawking] Cookie! ‘‘ [Cherry ducks]
    Cherry: Denzia! No! ‘‘ [Denzia flies back and forth]
    Denzia: Cookie! ‘‘ [squawk]
    Cherry: Get out of here!
    Denzia: Cookie!
    Cherry: Denzia!
    Denzia: ’’ [squawk] Give me a lick!
    Cherry: Back off, you flying freak! ‘‘ [Denzia flies on the counter]
    Denzia: ’’ [squawk] Clarify please.
    Cherry: ’’ [The Cookie Dough is shaped like Zora and Jack was shown] This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots. ‘‘[Cut to Hans reaching over and ringing a bell. Cherry looks out the window] What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells means!
    Children: ’’ [off-screen] Free ice cream! ‘‘ [Cherry laughs]
    Cherry: No, you silly livers! ‘‘ [sternly] No!
    Denzia: ’’ [squawk] Man overboard? ‘‘ [Cherry walks over to a desk]
    Cherry: You, I'm ignoring. ‘‘[she sits down] No, it means it's time to open fan letters! ‘‘ [Denzia flies over with a letter in his beak]
    Denzia: ’’ [squawk] Here you go! ‘‘ [Cherry tugs at it]
    Cherry: Thank you, Denzia. ‘‘[Denzia's not letting go] Yeah. OK Denzia, thank you! ‘‘[Denzia squawks, still not letting go] Come on, give it, you birdbrain! ‘‘[Denzia squawks some more] Quiet, infernal bird! ‘‘[She uses her hook, now with a pair of scissors on the end, to snip Denzia's rope. Denzia squawks and falls to the ground. Cherry nods] Hmm. ‘‘ [she sits back down] This letter comes to us from...
    Fish Head: ’’ [as voiceover] Name and address withheld! ‘‘[Cherry tears the envelope open, pieces of it flying all over the place. ‘‘ [She pulls up her eye patch and replaces it with a pair of reading glasses with one eye covered up]
    Cherry: And he writes, "Dear Zora, I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..."
    Fish Head: ’’ [as voiceover] Name and address withheld! ‘‘[Cherry gets up and takes off her glasses. Now her eye patch is back on]
    Cherry: A very good question. But you know they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Bel Air.
    Denzia: ’’ [squawk] They didn't?
    Cherry: No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain. ‘‘[She pulls down Denzia's strings. Denzia, as well as its puppeteer, falls to the ground. Cherry hangs a homemade Zor ornament on a Xmas tree. Zoom out, showing the entire X-mas tree, which is decorated with many similar Zors, as well as ornaments featuring Jack and Tia, and a few gift boxes] There was a time when no one had even heard of Christmas in Bel Air. ‘‘[she snaps his fingers] Hey! Who wants to hear the story of Zora's very first Christmas? ‘‘[Cut to Denzia, who looks very drowsy and with bloodshot eyes. Cherry turns around] Denzia?! ‘‘[she sees an empty bowl of cookie dough, accompanied by a foghorn noise] You ate all me cookie dough! ‘‘[we see Denzia is now incredibly fat. The whole lower half of his body, along with their strings, falls off, leaving only his head]
    Denzia: Squ-ouch! ‘‘ [Cherry shrugs]
    Cherry: Oh well! On with the show!
    ’’ [We see Sponge waiting on a hill near Jax's treedome]
    Zora: ’’ [laughs] Today, I'm gonna sneak up and get that Jax with a super sneaky karate move. ‘‘ [practices karate]
    Zora: What diabolical act is she committing now? ‘‘[Jax plugs in Christmas lights] Fire! Don't worry, Jax, I'm coming! Stand back, Jax, fire! ‘‘[instead of throwing water on tree...throws it on Jax] Huh? So I guess there's no fire?
    Jax: What in the name of Discord is wrong with you, Zora? Haven't you ever seen a Christmas tree before?
    Zora: Christmas who?
    Jax: What?! You've never heard of Christmas?
    Zora: Is she a friend from Glacientyr?
    Jax: ’’ [laughs] No. I can't believe you haven't heard of... ‘‘ [makes an adorable face] ...Christmas.
    Zora: Tell me more about this... ‘‘ [imitates Jax] ...Christmas.
    Cherry: And so, Jax wove the magical tale of gumdrops and pennywhistles. She told of toy-making elves and flying reindeer. But best of all, she told of the one they call, Ranthael Claus.
    ’’ [At Krusty Kat]
    Zora: And everyone pretends to like the fruitcake.
    Tiamat: Yawn.
    Zora: But the best part is you can write a letter to this guy, Ranthael Claus, and tell him what you want, and when he comes he brings it to you.
    Jack: Just like a genie.
    Ms. Kit: I dunno about you fuckers, but any guy who's giving away free stuff, is a friend of mine.
    Zora: That's the spirit, Ms. Kit. ‘‘[grabs a piece of paper] Here you go! You can get started on your letter.
    Tiamat: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
    Jack: Like a genie.
    Ms. Kit: Pipe down, Tiamat. I'm trying to concentrate. This thing is as good as a blank check direct from the First National Bank of Ranthael Claus.
    Tiamat: Oh, brother.
    Jack: Yeah.
    Zora: Ok, who's next?
    Jack: Ooh, ooh, me, me!
    Tiamat: Ooh.
    Zora: Here you go, Jack.
    Jack: There's no words on this paper.
    Zora: Not yet.
    Jack: Yippee! A writing stick.
    Zora: C'mon, Tiamat. Write a letter.
    Tiamat: Zora, grow up will ya? No one's going to give me a gift just because I write them a stupid letter. ‘‘ [Jack's letter tears in half]
    Jack: Zora, I ripped my paper. Could I have another one?
    Zora: Sure, buddy. Here you go. Okie dokie, Tia... ‘‘ [Jack rips his again] ...mat.
    Jack: Uhh, Zora... ‘‘[hands him another piece] Thanks. [sits down and starts writing with the paper on top of the pencil] Dear Sant... ‘‘[paper rips] Doh! Not again.
    Zora: Here, Jack, watch me. Dear Ranthael, what do I want for Christmas, you may ask? All I want is for you to visit gentle folk here in Bel Air. That is my wish. [puts the letter in a bottle] Jack, I designed this mechanism specifically to shoot bottles to the surface. The hopes of everyone rests on the success of its maiden voyage. Fire in the hole!
    [bottle shoots up to the surface]
    Jack: Ranthael! Haha. Where's Ranthael?
    Zora: Ranthael doesn't come till Christmas Eve.
    Ms. Kit: Ok, thundercunt, my demands, uhh, I mean, my letter, is ready to go.
    Zora: Great, Ms. Kit. What did you wish for?
    Ms. Kit: A pony.
    Zora: Really?
    Ms. Kit: With saddle bags full of money! ‘‘ [shoots a bottle up to the surface]
    Jack: Here you go, Zora.
    Zora: What did you wish for, Jack?
    Jack: Another piece of paper. ‘‘ [bottle shoots up to the surface]
    Zora: And what did you wish for, little girl?
    Grace: Front teeth.
    Diana: I could use a new hat.
    Clara: I need a new hairstyle.
    Makvala: How about a glass of water for my teeth.
    [lots of bottles get shot up to the surface]
    Tiamat: Excuse me, coming through, out of the way.
    Zora: Great, Tiamat, you finished. What's your wish?
    Tiamat: My wish is that the people of Bel Air will stop paying any attention to the inane dribble that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.
    Zora: Gee, Tiamat, maybe Ranthael will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said. Ok, everybody, we've got a lot to do now that we've summoned Ranthael Claus. We must ready ourselves for his arrival.
    Everyone: Hooray!
    Zora and Jack: ♪It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday. Not your normal, average, everyday.♪
    Tiamat: ♪Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree! Zora, Jack, why'd you do this to me!?♪
    Zora and Jack: ♪The world feels like it's in loverly! ♪
    Tiamat: ♪Go away before I harm you bodily! ♪
    Zora and Jack: ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow! Hey, Jack, who's that under the mistletoe? ♪
    Tiamat: ♪What? Who, me? Would you look at the time, I should go! ♪
    Plankton: ♪People seem a little more brotherly! ♪
    Ms. Kit: ♪Here's a special something to you from me! ♪
    Zora and Jack: ♪Even all the trash, on Christmas it smells so sweetly! This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! ♪
    Zora: ♪La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! ♪
    Tiamat: ♪What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy!?♪
    Zora and Jack: ♪Step outside, we've got something for you to see! ♪
    Tiamat: ♪Zora, take this stuff down immediately! ♪
    Zora and Jack: ♪Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree! ♪
    Citizens: ♪Tonight things are as good as they seem to be! ♪
    Jack: ♪A star on top will complete all the scenery! ♪
    Citizens: ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! ♪
    Cherry: Is Tiamat right? Can there be a Christmas under the sea? Stay tuned! ‘‘[shaking, putting her hand and hook upon her ears. later] It's about time you got back! Now I can finish me story! So, Zora was sending the last of the letters to Ranthael...
    Citizen: I hope he can read Portuguese.
    Zora: Ahh, that's the last letter. Huh? Wait! Tiamat hasn't written her letter yet! ‘‘[runs to Tiamat with a pencil, bottles, and paper in hand] Tiamat! Hurry! Tiamat, Tiamat! Hurry! [runs into Tiamat's house and upstairs to have her write his letter]
    Tiamat: Zora, what are you doing?
    Zora: Don't worry, Tiamat. I'll help you get started. [writes letter for Tiamat] Dear Ranthael Claus...
    Tiamat: Zora, forget it.
    Zora: Right, too formal. Hi Ranthael...
    Tiamat: Zora, no.
    Zora: Howdy, Claus?
    Tiamat: [pushes Zora out her door] I'm not writing a letter to a figment of your imagination.
    Zora: But, Tiamat, when Ranthael comes, you'll be the only one without a gift.
    Tiamat: Zora, how many times do I have to say it? I don't believe in Ranthael Claus!!
    Zora: C’mon, Tia, all you have to do is write a letter. What have you got to lose?
    Tiamat: My self-respect. My sanity. My lunch. [closes door]
    Zora: Tiamat, c'mon. [everyone tries to get Tiamat outside]
    Citizens: C’mon, Tiamat. Don't be a party pooper. C'mon out.
    Tiamat: ’’ [pokes her head out her window] Ranthael Claus is a big phony! Zora has got you all fooled.
    Zora: C’Mon, Tiamat. C'mon! [closes window and gets in bed]
    Tiamat: Those idiots are gonna be up all night while I get a full night’s sleep. ‘‘ [tries to sleep but the singing outside wakes her up]
    Citizens: ♪Oh, Ranthael's coming tonight, tonight. Ranthael's coming tonight. Ranthael's coming tonight, tonight. Ranthael's coming tonight.♪
    Zora: C’mon everybody! Let's sing till Ranthael gets here.
    Citizens: ♪Oh, Ranthael's coming tonight, tonight. Ranthael’s coming tonight. Ranthael's coming tonight, tonight. Ranthael's coming...♪
    [its morning and they are tired]
    Citizens: ♪Ranthael's coming tonight, tonight. Ranthael's coming tonight.♪
    Daniel: Hey! Where's Ranthael?
    Zora: Uh, he should be here any minute. ♪Ranthael's coming tonight, tonight. Ranthael's coming tonight.♪
    Citizens: Oh, c'mon. Enough of this. ‘‘ [everyone argues]
    Daniel: Thanks for the lies, Ms. Fairytale! Let's go waste our time somewhere else.
    Zora: Hey, guys, where's your Christmas Spirit? He's just running late.
    Jack: He probably just stopped for a snack! Fat guys get hungry right?
    Zora: Yeah! ‘‘ [they wait and wait and then one of the jellyfish jars break on Zora's head]
    Jack: Never trust a genie. ‘‘ [Jack and a snowman walk away]
    Tiamat: ’’ [alarm goes off] Ahh, morning already? Oh, boy! ‘‘[speaking in a megaphone] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas. Wait. Oh, I see a great Christmas photo op. could you move in a little? Say Ranthael Claus.
    Zora: ’’ [very sad face] Ranthael Claus. ‘‘ [Tiamat takes picture]
    Tiamat: Aww, our first Christmas. This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas. The first Christmas is this Christmas. ‘‘[donkey appears on screen making noises] Cause it feels like the first Christmas to me. ‘‘ [laughing at Zora]
    Zora: You were right, Tiamat. This is a stupid holiday. ‘‘ [takes out a present] I still want you to have this.
    Tiamat: What? What's this?
    Zora: A present. I made it for you so you wouldn't be left out when...Ranthael came!
    Tiamat: Oh, gee, I, uh, you know I...
    Zora: You're welcome.
    Tiamat: Zora? He made me a present? It's probably a jellyfish net, or an old Krabby patty, or... [imitates a hillbilly] his favorite underpants. Haha. [opens present] Why, it looks like a clarinet. [smells it] It smells like one, too. Handcrafted on driftwood. And it's even got my name on it. [finds a button that says "push"] What's this? [pushes the button and 3 wooden Tiamat's with clarinets come out and bob up and down] Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. Oh, I feel like a...I feel like a...I feel like a... [donkey appears on screen and makes noises] big jerk. What have I done to poor Zora? Uh, hey, Zora? I...Zora? [Zora is on a ladder trying to get his lights down]
    Zora: I guess I won't be needing this. [slides down with the lights in hand] That's better. [a gray cloud comes and rains on Zora]
    Tiamat: Poor little guy. All she wanted was to spread a little joy.
    Zora: I better get this stuff off of Tia's house.
    Tiamat: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!
    Zora: Huh? Hello? Who's there? Huh? Hello?
    Tiamat: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!
    Zora: Hello? Yes. Who's there? Huh? Hello? Show yourself. Yoo-hoo. Hello? Who is it? Huh?
    Tiamat: Up here you dunce. ‘‘ [looks like Ranthael Claus] I mean, uh, Merry Christmas little girl.
    Zora: ’’ [gasps] C-c-could it be?
    Tiamat: Yes, it is I, Ranthael Claus. Ho, ho, ho... ‘‘ [slips off the roof and hits the ground]
    Zora: Hey, you're R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Ran... ‘‘[takes a deep breath] R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Ran... ‘‘ [takes a deep breath] R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Ran...
    Tiamat: Hey, uh, kid, take it easy.
    Zora: R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Ran...thael... ‘‘ [faints]
    Tiamat: Zora? Zora? Zora?!
    Zora: R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Ran...
    Tiamat: Don't do that again.
    Zora: I knew you'd make it, Ranthael. Hey, Ranthael, where's your big, round belly.
    Tiamat: Well, that, um, is a result of, uh, undersea pressure on my body.
    Zora: Where's your reindeer? And your flying machine?
    Tiamat: Uhh, I loaned them to the Easter bunny.
    Zora: And what about that jacket? ‘‘[pokes his jacket and laughs] I knew you were suppose to have a stupid one but, that things ridiculous. ‘‘ [laughs]
    Tiamat: Alright! I'm Ranthael.
    Zora: ’’ [glues a jump onto Ranthael] Ranthael! This is the greatest you could've given me. Thank you for bringing Christmas to Bel Air.
    Tiamat: I didn't bring Christmas to Bel Air, Zora; you did.
    Zora: I did? ‘‘ [faints and falls on Fred's shell]
    Fred: Meow.
    Tiamat: Merry Christmas, Zora. Merry Christmas! Whew! I'm glad that's over.
    Shelly: Do you have a present for me, Ranthael?
    Tiamat: Oh, well, uhh, you see, I'm not really...
    Zora: ’’ [laughs] Go ahead, Ranthael Claus. See, he is real. He made my Christmas wish come true, he won't let you down.
    Tiamat: Uhh, right, just a second. ‘‘[searches in his house for stuff] C'mon, let's see. What do little girls like? A box of matches? Or a shaving kit? A copy of my birth certificate? There's got to be something around here. Think. Think. Think. Ha! Perfect! ‘‘ [hands the little girl a wrench] There you go, little girl! Ho, ho, ho!
    Shelly: Thanks, Ranthael. ‘‘ [scratches the wrench like it was a puppy]
    Tiamat: That almost felt good. ‘‘ [Tiamat then notices a long line of citizens waiting for presents] I didn't...who?
    Daniel: Hey, Ranthael, where's my present?
    Vera: And mine!
    Astra: And what about me?
    Tiamat: Uhh... let's see what Ranthael has for all you good people. ‘‘[searches for stuff in his house] Think fast, Ranthael. Gifts for good people. A-ha! A bowl of mashed potatoes for you.
    Jennifer-Millie: Thank you, Ranthael. This is just what I wanted. ‘‘ [puts bowl on her head] A new hairstyle.
    Tiamat: ’’ [gives the little girl two forks & gives Jack a clock] Here you go, Jack.
    Jack: Wow. ‘‘ [punches a hole through the clock] A wrist watch.
    Tiamat: ’’ [gets everything else in his house to the citizens] What was I thinking? I gave away all my stuff just 'cause Zora wouldn't be sad. Am I insane? ‘‘[Zora knocks on the door] You might as well take the door. It's all that's left.
    Zora: Tiamat! You missed him! He was here just like I said! He gave us all presents. He was jolly and he had a beard. His nose was big and he had rosy cheeks. He was friendly and kind. ‘‘[turns Zora towards the door and pushes him so he walks] And Ranthael is... oh, his belly was small but hisleather jacket was dumb with Christmas joy. He was so nice Tiamat...
    Tiamat: Well, at least it's over. ‘‘[notices a bottle with a letter in it on the ground] Huh? What's this?
    Ranthael: Dear Tiamat, thanks for all your help! You've been a real good girl this year. Warm regards, Ranthael Claus. [letter disappears into thin air] Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! ‘‘[in his sleigh flying] Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho. ‘‘ [does a crazy dance while saying his "ho ho ho"]
    Tiamat: Yup, I'm insane. [plays his wooden clarinet in the ending tone of the episode]
    Ranthael: Merry Christmas! [back at Cherry's house, a sailboat with a homemade Zor and Jack moves in front of a picture of the island, which has a bunch of presents on it]
    Cherry: Dee dee, dee dee dee dee. ‘‘[in Zor's voice] Ahoy, Jack! It's Christmas Island! ‘‘[in Pat's voice] Presents, ahoy! ‘‘[in Sponge's voice] Hooray! ‘‘[she starts making storm sound effects] Oh, a storm! ‘‘[in Jack's voice] Yay! I mean yikes! ‘‘[she makes more sound effects and begins speaking in her own voice] Oh, we're going down! ‘‘[She keeps making noises. Zoom out to show the boat is on Cherry's head] Trim the sails! Hoist the yardarms! Turn on the Weather Channel! ‘‘ [she screams]
    Man on Set: ’’ [off-screen] Cherry!
    Cherry: Oh, hi kids. Boy, that Zora makes me as jolly as a roger. Well, I hope you enjoyed Zora's Christmas tale. And I hope your Christmas is better than sunken treasure. [She takes the boat off her head. Denzia flies out, and there is a nest was under him, and in it are a few eggs wrapped in bows. Cherry picks one up] Aw... Denzia left me a little Christmas present. ‘‘[She laughs. Then she goes over to the mistletoe] Arr, ye old mistletoe. And you know what that means. ‘‘[she sprays breath freshener in her mouth] Ah, time for somebody to kiss Cherry the Pirate! ‘‘[she makes kissing noises] Come on, who's it gonna be? Come on! Kiss the captain! ‘‘[She laughs. Denzia flies over and squawks. Cherry screams]
    Denzia: Give us a kiss! ‘‘ [Cherry goes to avoid him]
    Cherry: No! No, not you! ‘‘[Denzia keeps flying around squawking] No, not you Denzia! Get out of here! No, Denzia! I don't wanna kiss you! No, we talked about this! Denzia! No!
    Denzia: Kissy, kissy!
    Narrator: Well, it looks like Cherry's pretty busy at the moment, so I'll say it for her. Good night, and happy holidays.
    [the words "Happy Holidays" are spelled out on screen]