Can't stop thinking about you guys

To my love, my life, the goddess my wife
Unbelievable as it sounds, the goddess of my life
I treated you bad, I damaged your spirit
But I miss you so much, i need you to hear it
I know we can't go back, I'd love to go forward
But my love for you is unmesuarable  it cannot be bordered
I know that you're hurt, I know you're hesitant
But the way I feel now sets a whole new precedent
I hope you come back, I hope you can trust
I hope you still care, something tells me you must
I'm sorry for everything, the pain that I've caused
I love you too much, my love hasn't paused
I swear that it won't, no matter the terms
I swear that it won't, unless I'm in an urn
Please do not fear me, please do not hesitate
Please open your heart and allow these words to resonate
Ill never hurt you again, ill never again make a threat
Ill never treat you the same, wish I could forget
But I never can its the biggest mistake I ever made
Your beautiful face your warm soul, that I had caused pain
I love you more then ever, the memories so deep
I cannot escape you even when im asleep
I miss everything about you, from the smell of your hair
To the times that you've smiled, everything we've shared
Our beautiful boys, your angelic voice
Your fun sense of humor, gives me no choice
I can't help but miss you, I can't help but to cry
But not because I'm mad, but how hard I tried
I should have been more, I should have done less
If I can I will change that, with every last breath
Please don't feel judged, hope you can look at me
I'm not the one to judge, you deserve to throw the book at me
I've caused so much hurt, I didn't know at the time
But it was right in my face, wish I could have seen the lines
Ill be there when you need me, I'm here for you now
No matter the circumstance, I won't let you down
Ill do anything you want, anything allowed
Ill make sure the sun shines, ill vacuum the clouds
Ill treat you like I should have, gods greatest gift
I mean it when I say that, I vow not to drift
You cross my mind at least 500 times, and that's just in a day, you run through my mind
Wish I could see you, smile and wave
Wish we could talk, I constantly pray
I hope you know that in my soul
I love you so much I miss you Nicole
They say that god listens, that he grants prayers that's a vow
He's heard me a thousand times he's probably tired of me now
But I cannot give up no matter the signs
How can I give up, 500 times in my mind
I know you're still there, I hope you still care,
Please know im not lying, my souls been stripped bare
I don't want to argue I don't want to fight
I don't want you upset, no more want to be right
I just want to be there, for you and the kids
I just want to show you the things I've undid
I don't want to drink, because it makes me think
I'm tired of suicide, I don't want to blink
I'd love to be with you, just to hold your hand
Through the good times well have, and help during the bad
I know it's not too late, this hasn't sealed my fate
You're the only reason to live, with you life is great
Without you it's terrible, bitter and sour
The seconds are minutes, the minutes are hours
Whenever I can with whatever I have
I swear to make it better, to walk a fine path
As stupid as it sounds, I say in every letter
That even after all this we can be better then ever
You truly have my attention ill never cross you again
I swear on Connors soul ill be your best friend
This doesn't have to be where it ends it can be where we rebegin
For our sons and eachother, no more unforgivable sin
And no matter the price, whatever I have to pay
Whatever sacrifice you want from me
I'm just waiting for the day
When we can go back, erasing the black
Moving forward together on the right track
I miss them so much, it would truly be an honor
To help Rubin refocus and to be there for Connor
Please know I'm not angry, ill never question
What has happened lately, won't make a suggestion
You're all I want you've been all I need
You're the reason I function the reason I'd bleed
Just wish you believed me just wish you could see me
For what I really feel, just wish you could be me
Just so you knew how much I have changed
Just so you could see what goes thru my brain
It's nothing but love, regret and hope
It's only the thought of you that helps me cope
I know you're still out there, wherever you are
Please know that I'm here, no matter how far

To Rubin my friend, the best in the world
I'm sorry for everything, the way things unfurled
I should have been better, should have told you everyday
That I love you so much in every possible way
I wish I was there I know you wish the same
So we could walk to bk, so we could play games
Please know your dads different, I know things have changed
But ill always love you, sunshine or rain
That's forever plus 1000 sorry for the pain
That I have caused you, sorry for the threats
Sorry for ever saying that, still haven't yet
I'm still holding on, to hope by my teeth
I keep lying to myself, ill be back next week
But I know you love me, I know you haven't forgotten
All we've been thru, the ripe and the rotten
Ill do anything for you too, not just your mom
Ill fly to the moon, ill swallow a bomb
Anything I could just to make you happy
Ill let you shoot me again, I'd even let you slap me
You're my best friend bud, that can't be replaced
I swear to be everything, no time to waste
Ill take you out shopping, well go to the store
We can go play basketball, we can even go to war
Anything it takes, no matter the stakes
Ill prove I have changed, no timeouts or breaks
We can still be a family, I can still be your dad
I know I'm not like mine, he's one I wish I'd never had
We can still do this just need a chance to prove it
As long as the sun comes up as long as the moons lit
I just cannot go on without you guys in my life
I will for as long as I can but on most of these nights
I say that I won't, I say that I shouldn't
Just picturing you guys is the reason I wouldn't
I know it's not over, this is just a nightmarish pause
Life will go back to normal, I constantly beg god
I'm sorry for hurting you with thoughts of suicide
It's all I can tell myself when I go and hide
In a bathroom or on a couch, counting my blessings
Crying and squirming, constantly stressing
I know you guys are safe, but I know you know I'm not
Everytime you think of us just know thats what blocks the thought
But I need you so bad, not the life that I had
But now that I'm different, the life we can have
Every day the thoughts of you grow larger and larger
Hope I'm back with you soon so we can watch the chargers
Hope I'm back with you soon so we can change the course
This dreaded life that we've been living
Ill no longer be the source
Until then friend this isn't the end my love can't break it cant even bend so later tonight before you go to bed please say a prayer for our family and remember what I've said

Connor you're awesome, I cannot describe
How many nights I've laid here and cried
Thinking about you, all of our moments,you have been a blast
But please slow down my little man you are growing way too fast
Can't wait to see you can't wait to hold you I want to see you walk
You've gotten so big I can only pray that I'm there when you talk
I promise you everything, not that I need to you're already learning for yourself
It's amazing to know you and to watch you grow too, you filled my soul with wealth
I know you're too young to understand what I'm even saying
But i love you too, gods watching over you everytime I'm praying
I miss you so much your beautiful smile
Singing to you holding you god I'd run miles
Just to have you back in my life I'm sure that you miss me
I can see it in your precious face, even the dad don't kiss me
I love you so much I wish you knew how much you'd changed my heart
And not just me you've brought us all glee, your family's loved you from the start
Ill never forget the first time we saw you the first time I saw you yawn
I immediately melted, all of us did
To you I was immediately drawn
We all love you so much, me your brother your mom
You are the definition of special you gave us all hope, you made our hearts go calm
I love you so much I miss you too much
Cannot wait to see you again
You bring me hope, all of us really, can't wait to be your best friend
Me and your mom both agree, you are going to be something special
Anything you want to be, you'll take it to a new level
I cannot wait for the day, that your mom forgives me and we turn the page
So I can be there to watch you grow,  so I can pick you up so you'll always know that I'm your dad and I love you so much
Until that day you'll continue to touch, my old soul, all of ours, no more missing you no more emotional scars I love you son please know that you better and never forget the I love you forever, song I used to sing to you when you were down you always knew that we were there and we always will until then my friend you are perfect.
 I love you Connor and I miss you. I'm crying while typing this my friend. Ill try anything to see you again. God I love you.

So family of mine it's about that time that I rest my head and battle my mind
Well be a family again that's all I can hope please forgive me Nicole please read what I've wrote, ill never consider our family broken, as long as I'm around the words that I've spoken are as true as anything I've ever said I love you guys forever I'd rather be dead then to miss another day with you unfortunately that feeling is true so when ever you're ready please give me a call you guys are everything you guys are my all.

I love you Nicole. Please give our family one chance. Ill do anything for you. I've learned my lesson and will never hurt you again in any way. We don't have to talk about what has happened. It's a nightmare I don't want to think about ever again. I love you all too much to think well never be a family again. Please forgive me for all of us. Ill never question you, I don't want any type of apology or explanation. I would just like for you to hear mine. This truly is torture Nicole and I'm trying so hard to hold on. I love you eternally no matter what. Please don't be afraid of me. I'm a different me I swear to you. I've lost it all and will do anything if I get the chance. I can't describe how bad this is. I understand you. I need you guys. You are my oxygen. Please text me I won't text you back. I assume you don't trust me but please know that, just like you, our family is my life. I know you can relate to that. Ill never do ANYTHING to lose them again. Father's Day is a few weeks away. Please give me the greatest gift a father can possibly have. I love you.