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By: a guest on Dec 31st, 2011  |  syntax: None  |  size: 7.09 KB  |  views: 485  |  expires: Never
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  1.     *
  2.           o
  3.  
  4.             My dad would punish me with psychological torture. Drove me nuts Heres an example:
  5.  
  6.             >As a kid
  7.             >Tell dad to fuck off because im playing super nintendo
  8.             >Dad displeased at my french begins to formulate his plot
  9.  
  10.             >Wake up the next morning
  11.             >A small beanie-baby frog is on my pillow
  12.             >Scares the crap out of me
  13.             >Shrug it off
  14.             >Go to eat breakfast
  15.             >Pour cereal
  16.             >Small beanie-baby frog comes out the box
  17.             >What the fuck
  18.             >Go to school
  19.             >Backpack feels heavier than usual
  20.             >Check middle pocket
  21.             >Filled with, like, ten frogs
  22.             >Am thoroughly scared now
  23.             >Look out window to daydream as I often do
  24.             >Beanie baby frog on outside window sill
  25.             >Freak out in class
  26.             >Sent out in hall
  27.             >Get home
  28.             >Pitch black because lights off and drapes pulled
  29.             >Turn on light
  30.             >ENTIRE FUCKING KITCHEN FILLED WITH BEANIE BABY FROGS WHAT THE FUCK
  31.             >Scream
  32.             >Heavy knocks on door
  33.             >Turn around
  34.             >Man in frog suit pressing his face against the door
  35.             >Scream
  36.             >Run up to room
  37.             >Lock the door
  38.             >A single frog in the middle of the floor on top of a piece of paper
  39.             >Lift up frog
  40.             >Take note
  41.             >Read note
  42.             >"Open the door son"
  43.             >Scared, open door for frogman
  44.             >Frogman, silently,slowly walks to me
  45.             >"I know it's you, dad" I say
  46.             >He says in a voice nothing like my father's: "It is not, Shawn"
  47.             >I scream
  48.             >He takes mask off
  49.             >It's my uncle
  50.             >My dad comes into the house laughing like an idiot
  51.             >I pissed myself
  52.             >Dad laughs and says. "We don't say fuck in this house, boy. Now who's up for McDonald's?"
  53.  
  54.             Seriously Dad where did you get all those fucking beanie babies from?
  55.  
  56.  
  57.             There was another time when, while I was sleeping. he drove me about five miles away to where a Russian-American family he knew lived. The Russian man and woman treated me like I had lived there my whole life. I was there for twelve hours before my father came to pick me up.
  58.  
  59.  
  60.  
  61.             >Dad catches me looking at forbidden websites (read: porn [This was when I was younger])
  62.  
  63.             >I know he's going to pull something crazy because I had wisened up a bit
  64.  
  65.             >He just grounds me from the computer for four days
  66.  
  67.             >OK dad
  68.  
  69.             >Four days later, turn on computer
  70.  
  71.             >Every single image (desktop, everything's icon, the mouse cursor) was replaced by a weird-looking triceratops
  72.             >picture he made himself
  73.  
  74.             >Computer is rigged so that dinosaur roars come out of it 24/7
  75.  
  76.             >He superglued a toy Triceratops to the top of my monitor
  77.  
  78.             >It was like this for two weeks before he took it off.
  79.  
  80.             >He still has and uses that computer monitor, triceratops and all.
  81.  
  82.  
  83.  
  84.             >Come home from school
  85.  
  86.             >Dad's over at a Bend's house
  87.  
  88.             >Decide to eat ice-cream
  89.  
  90.             >He comes home when I'm in the middle of my third bowl
  91.  
  92.             >He is disappoint when I can't eat my dinner
  93.  
  94.             >The next day
  95.  
  96.             >I come home
  97.  
  98.             >He is standing there in the kitchen with a stem looker his eye with the Russian man from earlier story
  99.  
  100.             >Dad tells me to sit down
  101.  
  102.             >I sit
  103.  
  104.             >He reaches into the fridge and pulls out a container of Moose Tracks ice-cream, my favoritest ice-cream ever
  105.  
  106.             >He pulls out two spoons
  107.  
  108.             >He gives me half a spoonful
  109.  
  110.             >After giving me a taunting taste he and Mr Russia proceed to eat the entire bucket of ice-cream in front of me, >savoring every bite and slaking "MMMMMMM" and "00UUAA5HHH SOO GOOODDDIT sounds
  111.  
  112.             >I try to get up out of my chair my dad would tell me to sit back down
  113.  
  114.             >I tried to close my eyes or look away my dad would stick his fingers in my sides which I fucking hated
  115.  
  116.             >They force me to watch him and Mr. Russia eat an entire bucket of my favorite ice-cream
  117.  
  118.             > After finishing the dessert he gives Mr Russia a friendly beer and sends him on his way. and then asks what I want for dinner
  119.  
  120.  
  121.  
  122.             >Make 'That's What She Said!" joke to my dad 'He is disgusted by that form of humor
  123.  
  124.             >Two days pass 'Find my closet empty but for one shirt
  125.  
  126.             >A Turtleneck sweater 'He got one of his tech buddies to rig a small microphone opts that records my voice and after one second of me talking, it emits a 'That's What She Said!"
  127.  
  128.             >Have to wear it for a day to school
  129.  
  130.             >I couldn't tell whether to be angry at or impressed by my dad
  131.  
  132.  
  133.  
  134.             >I remember one
  135.  
  136.             >Get in trouble at school for putting gum underneath a desk
  137.  
  138.             >I just know my dad is going to pull some crazy shit ,Two weeks pass from the incident
  139.  
  140.             >Wake up one morning
  141.  
  142.             >A single wad of putty stuck on the ceiling ,it begins.jpg
  143.  
  144.             >Every night another wad of putty is stuck on the ceiling
  145.  
  146.             >This continues for one week
  147.  
  148.             >Dawn of the Eighth Day, There is a full circle of about fifteen wads on the ceiling ,What the fuck
  149.  
  150.             >Dawn of the Ninth Day. Smaller putties spell out "UNDER BED"
  151.  
  152.             >Oh god I know it's you dad. I'm not scared. I'm not scared
  153.  
  154.             >Look under bed
  155.  
  156.             >A tiny whole man made out of putty ,Dawn of the Tenth Day. Smaller putties spell out "IN DRAWER"
  157.  
  158.             >Scared look in drawer ,Another tiny little man made out of putty
  159.  
  160.             >Dawn of the Eleventh Day: Putties form an arrow pointing to the window
  161.  
  162.             >Look out window
  163.  
  164.             >Since it was a school day it was about 5:30 in the morning and very dark
  165.  
  166.             >I can't see shit captain
  167.  
  168.             >Flashlight comes on REVEALING A GIANT MAN MADE OF PUTTY OH GOD FREAKY AS FUCK MASK OH GOD
  169.  
  170.             >scream like a little girl
  171.  
  172.             >Dad runs in, 'What, What?"
  173.  
  174.             >MAN MADE OF PUTTY, DAD., wait, Dad? That isn't you? ,Dad tells me to stay the fuck inside
  175.  
  176.             >He runs outside
  177.  
  178.             >He and the Putty Man beat the shit out of each other
  179.  
  180.             >Fight travels to neighbor's yard behind hedge ,Dad comes out of hedge ,Dad gestures for me to come out of the house
  181.  
  182.             >I walk over to dead putty man ,Dad prepares to take off mask
  183.  
  184.             >NOBODY UNDER MASK
  185.  
  186.             >Russian Man steps out of nearby bushes holding a portable radio playing the Twilight Zone theme
  187.  
  188.             >Dad tells me not to chew gum in school
  189.  
  190.             >We walk back home and they tell me about how hard they worked on this one
  191.  
  192.             I think that this one wins. Can't believe I forgot it