Shitty Self Insert

Shitty Self Insert, per the Request of Anonymous

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"So this is Yamaku, huh? Feh. I expected more." The wind ruffled my shoulder length jagged hair with that one red stripe going down the front as I stood in front of the Yamaku gates. I grabbed my katana cane and adjusted my Jansport on my back. I remembered what my mom told me yesterday and walked towards the main building. I made my entrance into the building and saw a tall guy wearing a suit like what Uncle Billy used to wear before he became an alcoholic.

"You must be Excus... Excellor... Exca?"

I smirked at the poor guy and rubbed my nose with my thumb.

"Excellius. Maximus Star Sasuke Excellius. The Fourth. But you can call me Max for short."

His eyes got wide. He was obviously impressed.

"Oh, forgive me. I didn't recognize you. It's an honor to finally meet the son of the 69th (lol) Hokage. My name is Mutou and I will be your homeroom teacher. I think the nurse wanted to see you but you're obviously in perfect health so we can just go introduce yourself to the class. Follow me please, sir."

I smirked at him again and raised my hand in front of my face. I didn't have to walk because I mastered teleporting like what Goku does in Dragonball Z after he comes back from beating Frieza man that was such a cool show but Vegeta was kind of a dick even though he became a good guy but I guess Piccolo did that too so it's okay.

"Try to keep up, mortal!" I shouted as my power aura surrounded me and teleported me to the outside of my class. I was in 3-3. I looked back up and saw Mutou right next to me. I brought him up too because I'm really nice and like to help people. I nodded at Mutou and walked into the class. Everyone started clapping because they knew I was royalty.

"Hello my new friends. My name is Maximus Star Sasuke Excellius. The Fourth. But you can call me Max for short. I like saving the world and being really classy. I have ADHD and bipolar disorder and depression and scissorphrenia and I know that Yamaku doesn't let people with mental disorders in but they made an exception for me because they know I am a nice guy. I am a nice guy and not a douchebag like you Alex fuck you stop linking people to my Deviantart page you're just jealous."

I nodded to the class and walked towards the open seat next to a girl with pink hair drill things. I could immediately tell that she was a lesbian or maybe bi and I decided to talk to her.

"Hello, Shiina. Yes, I knew your name I can read thoughts but only some things (see? he isnt overpowered). Can your drill pierce the heavens? Because that would be sweet."

"Wow Max you seem like a good guy. I really like your fingerless gloves and Vans. Hey, you seem like just the kind of guy that Hanako Ikezawa in the back could use in her life. She is really scared of a lot of things but if she had a strong nice guy like you in her life then maybe she will come out of her shell."

I understood all of this because I know Japanese perfectly. I looked at the back and I saw a girl with burn scars looking at me with a blush on her face. Her scars reminded me of my own dark past. Full of events that most people wouldn't understand. I cut myself a lot because I was hardcore but it was really because I hurt on the inside. The girl with blue hair looked at me and I knew her name was Shizune because I could tell. She started moving her hands and I immediately recognized it as ASL (or American Sign Language for you uneducated people) (edit: okay I know that she would speak Japanese sign language but shove off this is my story okay?)

[Yeah Max go for it I'm sure that she would really like you because I think you are very manly and handsome kind of like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast but less hairy and more mysterious and dark. Thak god you are here.]

[Silly Shizune god isn't real open your eyes and see the truth so watch Neil DeGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye and Ancient Aliens on History channel everyday from 4-6 with new epsiodes every Friday.]

I smirked at her and stood up making sure to grab my katana cane and my bag that I got from Hot Topic during that sale last week. I flashed over to Hanako and landed lightly on one foot. Mutou didn't mind because he already knew that I was smart enough like I already knew about how to find the area of a triangle geez.

"Hello, Hanako. I can already tell that we are meant to be together forever. I pledge myself to you milady and I promise that I will defend you forever and ever and forever." I reached out my uncursed hand and gently brushed her hair out of her eyes. "You are really beautiful, kinda like a rose mixed with a supermodel. There is no need to be scared, my love. I will forever love you I pinky promise okay?"

"Wow, Max. I did not know you felt that way. I accept and I will be your girlfriend. You are really cool and not creepy at all. See Sarah from English class? She knows how to spot a real gentleman when she sees one."

Using my powers I teleported us to her room and she showed me her boobs and even touched my penis. It was awesome and we even had sex a few times. She became outgoing and cool like me so we saved the world after we graduated from high school and we had sex all the time and life was freaking sweet (Peter Griffin voice) and we lived happily ever after. The end.