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So this has been a long time in the making. I've wanted to do something like this for a long time, but... I don't know Basically, this is going to go over what things are like for me on a daily basis in the hopes maybe some people can understand.

Now, I could go through what I do daily, and no one would care about that, hell I don't care about that. So instead let me talk about how I feel every day. It's something that doesn't come up in conversation and if it did, I certainly wouldn't give you this long winded an answer, but it's a truthful one and an honest one.

So here goes...

If you want to get to into my mind... First imagine you have an invisible... imaginary friend. This friend is always right behind you, to the side of you, near you, but you can't see them, you can only hear them. They say things over and over, things like this, or variants thereof:

No one likes you.
No one has ever liked you.
No one ever will like you.
No one will love you.
No one has ever loved you.
No one ever will love you.
You are unlovable.
You are unlikable.
You could fall off the face of the Earth tomorrow, and no one would care for more than 2 minutes.
Your family is more like a group of related people who have no relevance to you, and probably barely even know that you're alive. Let alone how you are, what you do, how you feel, etc.
Your friends are in pretty much the same boat, and only hang around to use you for whatever reasons they need to at the time.
You have accomplished nothing.
You never will.
You could be an amazing and interesting person, but no one wants you to be.
You might as well be invisible.
You're going to die.
You're going to die and there's nothing you can do about it.
Everything will end.
Everything will stop.
You won't get to hear new music anymore.
Watch new movies.
New TV shows.
Play any more videogames.
Not that you're doing any of that now.
You can't enjoy things anymore.
You probably won't be around to see virtual reality.
Which is sad cause that's about the only way you would ever get to live anything close to a decent life.
You won't reincarnate.
You won't regenerate.
You're not a time lord.
You don't have a companion.
Everything will just turn black.
You won't wake up anymore.
No reset.
No do over.
No easy mode.
No 2nd player.
No afterlife.
No nothing.
Just black.
There are 3rd graders that have had more romantic relationships than you have at 30.
There are probably 1st graders who have had more girlfriends than you have.
Scratch that, there definitely are.
You're too fat.
You're too ugly.
You eat too much.
You're not talented at anything.
You'll never be the best at anything ever.
You're not even halfway good at anything anyway.
Why do you even bother trying things.
You're no good to anyone.
You should kill yourself.
You have no girlfriend.
You have no wife.
No kids.
No future.
No prospects.
No one gets you or your dumb jokes.
You don't have a job.
You can't have a job.
You can't deal with people.
People can't deal with you.
You can barely even go outside anymore.
Everyone hates you.
They talk about you behind your back.
You're stupid.
You never finish anything.
You're a quitter.
You should quit life.
What good are you to anyone?
What do you do all day?
You're fat.
You're old.
You're gonna get older.
All your best years are behind you.
You never got to go to college.
You were never popular.
You never will be.
People don't want to listen to anything you have to say.
Your opinions are meaningless.
You are inconsequential.
What will you ever contribute to the world?
What would it matter?
You will never be happy.
You will always be sad.
You will only get more sad.
Day after day you will get worse.
Do you really want to live like this?
Do you?
DO YOU?

And this voice says these things... things like it. Over and over, on repeat. On shuffle. On and on. And it gets louder, the more you listen to it, the louder it gets. The more aggressive, vicious, hateful it gets.

And as that is happening you get a feeling of cold, a shiver, it could be 100 degrees, but you definitely get a feeling like you're too cold. And it travels up your spine. Then you feel electrical shocks, again starting at the base of your spine, radiating out to your arms and hands, your head, everywhere. You shake violently. You lose control of your muscles. You lose control of your voice. You make sounds like... a beaten dog, a monkey, you scream.

And you do this until you physically can't do it anymore. Literally your muscles won't do it anymore. And you blank your mind, not consciously, but as what is now an instinct. Then you freeze. And you stay this way, with nothing on your mind, not moving for what feels like a long time. Until something snaps you out of it. Maybe you need to be doing something, maybe you were on your way to it, then you just collapsed onto the floor and are now in a ball. But you get over it eventually, you move on. It may come back, in 1 second, 1 minute, or 10, maybe an hour, maybe you won't feel that way for the rest of the day. You never know for sure.

Why? Because you need to do things to occupy your mind. Because if you're thinking about something actively, if you're focused on something, you can't hear the voice, or it gets very faint. It's when you don't have anything to do, those moments in-between, right before you go to sleep for instance, where it's the worst. And honestly that's why you stay up later than you should a lot, because you want to go to sleep, you don't want to lay there and think about things, because you thinking means you hear that voice, and even if you do go to sleep you will SURELY wake up screaming. And you don't have anything else to pull your focus. And that's not a good situation for you. And it sucks because you used to love that time, to think, to daydream, to have ideas and thoughts. Now you're a prisoner of your own mind, with no way out.

That's just one simple thing. On top of that, you're depressed, you have no self esteem, you have no support group of people helping you. You don't even know HOW someone would help you even IF they wanted to. Which they don't.

So you just do nothing all day and all night. And you know you're doing nothing productive, just occupying your mind. There's nothing else you can do. So you deal the best you can, but it gets worse all the time.

You just hope, with what little optimism you might have left, after so many years of having things go badly for you, that someday maybe things will get better. You know they won't, you've accepted they won't, but you hope that maybe you'll be surprised... but you won't be.

And that... is more or less how I feel. Every single day. Sometimes worse, sometimes much worse. I just thought maybe someone might listen, and if you did. Thank you, seriously. There's not much that can be done for me, and even less that people would actually DO for me, but you did listen... or you skipped ahead to the end. Either way, thanks for listening, putting yourself in my shoes for just a moment. If you'll excuse me, I got to go get back in those shoes. Bye.

Don't feel obliged to respond. No one ever does.