andrea (2:47:53 PM): are you mad at me?
alvin (2:50:05 PM): Honestly, It's a hard feeling to describe.
alvin (2:50:12 PM): What makes you say that
andrea (2:51:12 PM): idk lol and thats fine, i understand
alvin (2:51:59 PM): I wouldn't say I'm mad at you, per say...but frustrated at the entire situation
andrea (2:52:22 PM): i see...4
andrea (2:52:26 PM): i see*
alvin (2:52:46 PM): I think it's also cause I lowered my medical dosage recently
alvin (2:52:56 PM): Since...I recall you saying that it sometimes causes depression
alvin (2:53:25 PM): Stupid idea but...I don't like feeling like a piece of fucking shit all the time.
andrea (2:53:27 PM): you shouldnt lower it without the doctors order
alvin (2:53:30 PM): So I cut it in half.
alvin (2:53:47 PM): too late for that lol
alvin (2:54:48 PM): So instead of moping around I just feel ticked off for some reason. I'm not sure if it's better or worse than before, but I definitely feel less like a powerless fucking dumbass
alvin (2:54:59 PM): Definitely more crass and sarcastic...but it happens
andrea (2:55:37 PM): i see well you have a lot of things to deal with...
alvin (2:56:14 PM): Mhmm.
alvin (2:58:45 PM): You know, people have been telling me that it's your loss, and not mine. And I'm inclined to agree with them.
alvin (2:59:20 PM): And I feel horrible for thinking that way, but I can't help it
andrea (2:59:23 PM): ...errr and your point?
andrea (2:59:35 PM): it's true anyway
alvin (2:59:38 PM): Nothing really. No point to be made.
alvin (2:59:54 PM): I'm just...acting stupid again.
alvin (2:59:57 PM): Sorry,.
andrea (3:02:23 PM): no need to say sorry
alvin (3:05:24 PM): I just don't even feel like I'm even your friend anymore tbh and it hurts even more
alvin (3:11:09 PM): And here we go again. I'm getting ignored lol.
andrea (3:12:55 PM): maybe it is better this way
alvin (3:13:43 PM): You're just running away from things all over again.
alvin (3:16:03 PM): Maybe I was right all this time. You really do hate me lol.
alvin (3:17:13 PM): I'm sorry Andy. For all this.
alvin (3:20:20 PM): All I ever did was love you and this is what I get back lol.
andrea (3:20:34 PM): sorry al
alvin (3:20:40 PM): It's fine.
alvin (3:21:15 PM): Actually, it isn't...It's not fine. Not this time.
alvin (3:21:51 PM): You always say you're sorry. All the time...but don't do anything else.
andrea (3:22:06 PM): shouldnt have started anything
andrea (3:22:17 PM): i knew it was gonna be like this sorry
alvin (3:22:35 PM): I had an inkling it would end up like this too
alvin (3:22:42 PM): But still I tried
alvin (3:23:07 PM): And I still am. Despite how bitter I may sound now, you're still Andy, the person I love.
andrea (3:23:31 PM): loved*
alvin (3:23:37 PM): No. I still do.
alvin (3:23:52 PM): and it hurts...a lot.
andrea (3:24:41 PM): i dont have the right to comfort you
alvin (3:24:54 PM): I'm not looking for comfort
alvin (3:25:01 PM): Im looking for my friend
alvin (3:25:05 PM): I want her back
andrea (3:25:33 PM): tori?
andrea (3:25:36 PM): less?
alvin (3:25:38 PM): You.
andrea (3:28:09 PM): idk what you want me to do
alvin (3:29:12 PM): Just don't push me away any more. Talk to me normally. like we used to do. At least acknowledge all the things I send you lol.
alvin (3:29:22 PM): Cause tbh
alvin (3:29:28 PM): it's pretty darn rude xD
andrea (3:31:08 PM): cos i am rude lol
alvin (3:31:15 PM): Yes. Yes you are :/
andrea (3:31:25 PM): yup
alvin (3:31:48 PM): Ice cold too :?
alvin (3:31:51 PM): :/
andrea (3:32:02 PM): mhm
alvin (3:32:40 PM): And you always always run away when things get hard
andrea (3:32:56 PM): cos i hate dealing with it
alvin (3:33:27 PM): you hate dealing with me too im guessing
andrea (3:33:48 PM): not just you
alvin (3:34:59 PM): That hurt. After everything you finally admit that you hate me.
andrea (3:35:34 PM): nah i dont hate you i just hate dealing with it
alvin (3:35:59 PM): The problem with that though, is that by not dealing with it doesn't make the problem go away, Andy.
andrea (3:36:33 PM): yeah but at least it cools off my head
alvin (3:38:11 PM): sigh
alvin (3:38:28 PM): We're really acting immature about all this, both you and I
alvin (3:40:11 PM): I just find it poetically ironic that you use the same thing your ex said to you, to end the relationship with me.
alvin (3:40:34 PM): But meh...Enough about that.
andrea (3:40:50 PM): but i didnt leave you for another guy
alvin (3:42:02 PM): You didn't, that's true. But still, the words were eerily similar no matter how you cut it.
andrea (3:42:33 PM): ok
alvin (3:42:44 PM): If you have things to say to me, do it now, Andy. I'm letting out the dirty laundry to dry.
andrea (3:43:12 PM): the thing is...i have nothing so ill leave it as it is
alvin (3:43:34 PM): Nothing at all? Really?
alvin (3:44:22 PM): At least get mad at me,
3:46:08 PM: andrea has logged out
3:46:45 PM: andrea is now online
andrea (3:46:58 PM): maso
alvin (3:47:01 PM): ...
alvin (3:47:03 PM): LOL
alvin (3:47:27 PM): You really know how to break the mood xD
andrea (3:48:00 PM): it just comes out naturally
alvin (3:48:22 PM): I feel terrible...Sorry. I'm sorry for everything. For all this chidlish behavior on my end, Andy.
alvin (3:48:33 PM): I shouldn't have said anything
andrea (3:48:46 PM): meh it's gonna happen again
alvin (3:48:51 PM): It probably will
andrea (3:48:54 PM): it's always like that
alvin (3:50:36 PM): I hate being so childish about this
alvin (3:50:38 PM): It's not me
alvin (3:51:41 PM): I hate letting it all out on you when it's not your fault.
alvin (3:53:48 PM): It's just...I see you happy and all, cracking jokes with everyone else, And I start to wonder, if you're even remotely bothered by all this...Cause it sucks feeling like only my world is falling to pieces.
andrea (3:57:29 PM): im not the kind of person to usually show it
alvin (3:57:49 PM): You never were lol. That's a trait about you i admire.
alvin (3:58:01 PM): I'm transparent.Always have been.
andrea (3:58:10 PM): ok
alvin (4:02:34 PM): Oh btw, don't ever say that you wish we hadn't started this. Sure, the fallout is crap...but that doesn't change all the good times too. Both piles of good and bad things exist. One pile doesn't make the other pile any less significant, memorable, or important.
andrea (4:03:09 PM): yeah but now im regretting it
alvin (4:03:21 PM): why? cause it sucks right now?
alvin (4:03:43 PM): In a few months, give or take, we'll be laughing at all this.
alvin (4:05:18 PM): We'll be shaking our heads at how stupid this all was.
alvin (4:05:40 PM): After things have died down.
alvin (4:08:12 PM): For now though, things suck...royally.
andrea (4:08:53 PM): lel i probably wont be on chatango by then
alvin (4:09:33 PM): maybe
alvin (4:11:26 PM): Who knows for sure. @_@ Maybe you still will.
alvin (4:13:50 PM): Anyway, after today, I won't be bothering you for a while. I'll still be around though, in case you need me for whatever reason...But you won't hear from me a lot...probably for a few weeks or a month...
alvin (4:14:08 PM): You don't have to deal with me, and I don't want to burden you anymore.
andrea (4:14:33 PM): stay with me for a bit
alvin (4:14:49 PM): wait
alvin (4:14:50 PM): that
alvin (4:14:53 PM): what
andrea (4:15:23 PM): i mean like dont leave yet
alvin (4:16:19 PM): Okay
alvin (4:16:40 PM): Why lol
alvin (4:16:55 PM): you said you hated dealing with me
andrea (4:18:17 PM): when you were acting like you were earlier
alvin (4:18:41 PM): sorry
alvin (4:18:49 PM): I'm just...really hurting
andrea (4:19:10 PM): i know
alvin (4:20:52 PM): Maybe I really am not cut out for the love business
alvin (4:21:02 PM): it stings so much.
alvin (4:21:44 PM): Maybe I'll do what you're doing and punish myself too
andrea (4:22:03 PM): lol nah
alvin (4:22:29 PM): It seems like a viable option
andrea (4:23:12 PM): have you been eating well?
alvin (4:23:17 PM): Well...
alvin (4:23:20 PM): About that
alvin (4:23:30 PM): It comes and goes
andrea (4:23:47 PM): thats better than nothing
alvin (4:24:08 PM): Still losing weight though
alvin (4:24:14 PM): I guess that's a good thing
alvin (4:24:40 PM): ...and i have that test tomorrow too
andrea (4:24:57 PM): awww good luck
alvin (4:25:29 PM): thanks, andy
alvin (4:25:51 PM): how about you, work as usual?
andrea (4:26:28 PM): mhm and went out with friende
andrea (4:26:30 PM): friends
alvin (4:26:51 PM): cool. ^^ that's always nice...
alvin (4:27:19 PM): My irl friends are always swamped with work...So It's usually just me...since I have no fixed office hours
andrea (4:27:52 PM): awww
andrea (4:28:43 PM): al no matter how hurt you are
andrea (4:28:52 PM): you shouldnt do anything stupid
andrea (4:28:59 PM): it's not worth it
alvin (4:29:19 PM): I know.
alvin (4:29:27 PM): but it's so hard sometimes
alvin (4:29:57 PM): This is legitimately much worse than when my mother told me I was worthless lol
andrea (4:31:36 PM): //hugs you
andrea (4:31:46 PM): will you stop for me please?
alvin (4:31:56 PM): stop what
andrea (4:32:29 PM): doing stupid things
andrea (4:32:48 PM): like not telling your physician about lowering your dose
alvin (4:33:11 PM): I'll try.
alvin (4:33:25 PM): I don't think it's working anyway.
alvin (4:33:32 PM): The sadness came back
andrea (4:33:56 PM): i just wanna give you a hug tbh
andrea (4:35:04 PM): sorry im like this
andrea (4:35:39 PM): im just mad at myself becuse youre right
alvin (4:36:18 PM): I'm right about what
alvin (4:36:20 PM): Sorry
alvin (4:36:24 PM): I can't think too well now
andrea (4:36:30 PM): everything you said
andrea (4:36:43 PM): running away...
andrea (4:37:00 PM): treating you shit when all you did was love me
alvin (4:37:36 PM): Oh
andrea (4:37:42 PM): i just want to distance myself
alvin (4:37:57 PM): I understand.
alvin (4:38:05 PM): After today you won't be hearing from me anymore
andrea (4:38:39 PM): i guess i deserve it
andrea (4:38:46 PM): goodbye
alvin (4:38:47 PM): you don't
alvin (4:38:50 PM): It's not goodbye
alvin (4:38:59 PM): I'll be back.
alvin (4:39:04 PM): Just...not now.
andrea (4:39:16 PM): why not?
alvin (4:39:36 PM): I'm confused
alvin (4:39:41 PM): You're hurt when I stay
alvin (4:39:47 PM): and you're going to hurt if I leave for a bit
alvin (4:39:55 PM): I don't know what to do anymore
alvin (4:40:05 PM): I'm not leaving for my sake
alvin (4:40:11 PM): I'll leave for yours,
alvin (4:40:16 PM): if you want me to
andrea (4:40:54 PM): which one is easier for you?
alvin (4:41:08 PM): Staying
alvin (4:41:30 PM): Running away may be your thing
alvin (4:41:33 PM): but it's not mine.
andrea (4:42:34 PM): i guess it still hurts being left behind. but i dont have the right to say that
alvin (4:42:41 PM): Left behind?
alvin (4:42:46 PM): what do you mean by that
andrea (4:42:55 PM): idk lol
alvin (4:43:11 PM): is it about your ex again?
andrea (4:44:56 PM): nah just me in general
alvin (4:45:22 PM): Well, whatever it may be
alvin (4:45:28 PM): You have every right to say that.
alvin (4:45:34 PM): It's your pain, and your feelings.
alvin (4:46:05 PM): Damn it, and if you're left behind, I'll stay back with you.
andrea (4:46:31 PM): :<
andrea (4:46:36 PM): but i left you
alvin (4:46:39 PM): I'll help you catch up to whatever the hell it is you're reaching
alvin (4:46:47 PM): I don't really care lol
alvin (4:47:05 PM): relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends
alvin (4:47:08 PM): they're just labels
alvin (4:47:22 PM): I don't need any of those to love you. And I don't expect anything back either
alvin (4:47:29 PM): I''ll fucking do it cause I want to
andrea (4:48:23 PM): vut youre hurting
alvin (4:48:33 PM): yeah and so what?
andrea (4:48:33 PM): i dont think you want to get hurt even more
alvin (4:48:45 PM): No one wants to get hurt
andrea (4:48:50 PM): you end up doing stupid things .____.
alvin (4:49:19 PM): I do. But I'll try and not do them as often anymore
alvin (4:49:30 PM): Where was I
andrea (4:49:52 PM): you said that last time and look what youre doing
alvin (4:50:34 PM): Yes.
alvin (4:50:39 PM): You're right I fucked up
alvin (4:50:45 PM): I will continue to fuck up
alvin (4:50:58 PM): but I'll do my best not to fuck up too badly
alvin (4:51:06 PM): I'll start taking my meds properly
andrea (4:51:39 PM): but you should tell your doc about it tho @___@
alvin (4:51:46 PM): I will
alvin (4:51:59 PM): I'll, text her in a bit
alvin (4:52:42 PM): I don't mind the hurt if I'm hurting for something or someone I care for.
andrea (4:53:43 PM): why would you still care for someone like me?
alvin (4:53:54 PM): Because I keep telling you over and over again
alvin (4:53:57 PM): I love you
alvin (4:54:20 PM): That's all you need to know.
alvin (4:54:45 PM): I don't care if you dont love me back
alvin (4:55:17 PM): Love isn't the lovey dovey romantic bullshit.
andrea (4:55:32 PM): what if im just using you?
alvin (4:56:13 PM): at the very least If you're using me, I'll know that I'm serving a purpose
alvin (4:56:27 PM): And I trust you, even if you don't trust yourself
alvin (4:56:42 PM): Even if you run away, and hide behind vague words and short sentences
alvin (4:57:06 PM): I'll still see you for who you really are
alvin (4:57:46 PM): Despite all your flaws, your bluntness,coldness, your tendency to push everyone away
alvin (4:57:53 PM): I see all of that
alvin (4:57:57 PM): and I still love you
andrea (5:00:16 PM): idk i still think youre wasting your time
andrea (5:00:18 PM): but
andrea (5:00:24 PM): ty for staying
alvin (5:01:47 PM): I'm not wasting any time.
alvin (5:01:54 PM): despite what you might think.
alvin (5:02:55 PM): And you don't need to thank me either, Andy. I'm doing this cause I want to...and because the person I care most for in the world needs someone more than ever.
andrea (5:04:23 PM): what if im just making you do this for my own sake
alvin (5:05:35 PM): Your sake, my sake. It's one and the same.
alvin (5:05:53 PM): I want to be with you.
alvin (5:06:22 PM): That's enough for me...And even if you are just using me, maybe that will change in the future.
andrea (5:06:47 PM): and if it doesnt?
alvin (5:07:05 PM): Then I'll still be happy to just be there for you.
alvin (5:07:15 PM): I made a promise after all @_@
alvin (5:07:40 PM): And...I keep my promises.
andrea (5:07:46 PM): you spoil me too much
alvin (5:08:21 PM): No experience is ever truly wasted. You learn from things, both good and bad.
alvin (5:08:49 PM): As I said before, It's not spoiling you...
alvin (5:08:55 PM): It's showing you how much I love you.
andrea (5:10:30 PM): im pretty sure everyone would tell you to leave me lol
alvin (5:14:45 PM): I'm prettty sure they would
alvin (5:14:48 PM): But
alvin (5:15:49 PM): as well meaning as they are, they don't see what I see in you
alvin (5:16:09 PM): and what I see in you is worth, staying for
alvin (5:16:16 PM): even if it hurts
andrea (5:17:31 PM): i hope youre not huting anymore
alvin (5:17:49 PM): Right now, I'm not.
alvin (5:18:55 PM): It's funny lol
alvin (5:19:42 PM): I remember you telling me that you'd keep my heart whole and untouched before...It's pretty battered and it squeaks sometimes now....
alvin (5:19:57 PM): I think there are a few missing screws too lol.
andrea (5:20:11 PM): sorry i meant to return it whole
alvin (5:20:24 PM): I'm giving it back to you, whether you accept it or not
andrea (5:22:09 PM): deep
alvin (5:22:13 PM): lol
alvin (5:22:17 PM): xD
andrea (5:22:56 PM): at least this way...im starting to feel comfortable with you again
andrea (5:23:23 PM): before it just felt like you were a stranger to me
alvin (5:23:45 PM): before like when we were dating?
andrea (5:23:47 PM): i just felt like you were against me
andrea (5:23:52 PM): no after
alvin (5:23:54 PM): Ahh
andrea (5:23:56 PM): the break up
alvin (5:24:45 PM): I'm never against you lol
alvin (5:25:07 PM): I've been trying so hard to get that through
alvin (5:25:28 PM): I think...I finally did
alvin (5:25:31 PM): I hope
andrea (5:27:45 PM): are you sure :<
alvin (5:27:55 PM): sure about what xD
alvin (5:27:59 PM): About staying?
andrea (5:28:01 PM): you wont betray me
alvin (5:28:06 PM): Andy
alvin (5:28:11 PM): I won't betray you
alvin (5:28:23 PM): I know you have trust issues
alvin (5:28:32 PM): I'll just have to show you
andrea (5:31:24 PM): thank you al for always so kind
alvin (5:31:44 PM): I think...you need sleep.
alvin (5:31:50 PM): Your grammar is dying
andrea (5:32:02 PM): LOL
alvin (5:32:05 PM): ^^
alvin (5:32:13 PM): Don't thank me Andy.
alvin (5:32:20 PM): It's just how I am.
alvin (5:32:58 PM): Even if the world turns against you, I'll still be here.
alvin (5:33:17 PM): I won't leave you behind.
alvin (5:33:45 PM): I promise.
andrea (5:39:27 PM): i missed you
alvin (5:42:52 PM): I missed you too
alvin (5:42:55 PM): Like...a lot
alvin (5:43:27 PM): I'm sorry again...for the hurtful things I may have said
alvin (5:43:40 PM): I can't take those back.
andrea (5:44:45 PM): :< how are you gonna make up for it
andrea (5:44:50 PM): jkjk
alvin (5:44:54 PM): xD
alvin (5:45:10 PM): Well, I could still teach you how to swim...
alvin (5:45:11 PM): lol
andrea (5:47:09 PM): >: for free?
andrea (5:47:15 PM): no charge?
alvin (5:47:22 PM): Well...
alvin (5:47:32 PM): Maybe a drink or a smoothie in the afternoon xD
andrea (5:49:22 PM): pfft
alvin (5:49:26 PM): �
andrea (5:50:42 PM): fine fine ill pay for you xD
andrea (5:50:46 PM): for your smoothie
alvin (5:50:54 PM): Good deal �