- So, my boyfriend is a wimp-- a real girly boy. That's not really fair to him, but it's the quickest way to describe him. He's malleable and anti-confrontational and shy and a lot more conformist than he would ever admit in public. He's straight up passive. That's not a problem, though! Not for me anyway. It's extremely endearing to me. I thoroughly enjoy encouraging him to be more self-realized and assertive. He's grown a lot since I met him. I love him to pieces, and it's starkly obvious he feels the same way about me. He always feels horrible if he thinks he's being too sexual, or too distant, or whatever he worries about. He's always thinking about our relationship, and I find it easy to talk to him about absolutely anything (once he stops being shy enough to have conversation).
- Me and my boyfriend are both 20. We've been dating for three years. During school, it was really on-again-off-again because I was over-intellectualizing my feelings and kept breaking up with him because "if humans can't comprehend true love, then how can I honestly say I love you?". So I broke up with him a lot even though we were utterly infatuated with eachother. It was like comical hearts flew out of our faces every time we were near eachother. It was really sweet. But the breakups obviously stressed him, which is almost definitely why he lost his virginity to a stranger, while we were still in a serious relationship.
- He actually admitted his infidelity not 24 hours after it happened. Every problem I'd had with him before that were now peanuts. I cried for probably three days straight. It was likely the most upsetting time of my life.
- He was with two "friends"; a promiscuous boy who I knew personally, and who I knew wasn't a virgin (halfway through highschool), and a girl I didn't know who I assume was also promiscuous and not a virgin.
- The girl was almost a complete stranger to him, but as a social chameleon, he was easily pressured by the two of them into having sex with her.
- Apparently she even looked kind of like me, which undoubtedly made it easier, since my BF has told me he's never been physically attracted to anyone besides me since we started going steady. I tried to encourage us to go out with other people one time, and he couldn't think of anyone the entire time. He's even complained that porn has become more or less ineffectual, since none of the girls are me, and has shyly asked for naked pictures of me one more than one occasion. (I eventually gave him some, but he deleted them later because he felt kind of sick with himself.)
- So I told my best friend that he cheated on me and I cried about it and my friend yelled at him and he felt despondent for a while.
- Within the week, I agreed to have sex with him. In fact, I almost insisted. I lost my virginity to him in a cramped old car, and we did a lot of things I wouldn't have even considered normally. I am absolutely sure I did it because I was afraid that my unwillingness to satisfy his desires was going to ruin our love, and everything was my fault, and he would leave me if I didn't (even though he never even made a facial twitch that would suggest that my fears were valid).
- That was the event. About a year has passed since then.
- We're going steady now, and have a highly sexual but incredibly deep and comfortable relationship (he may be shy but he obviously has a strong libido), and it's clear that we're still madly in love, and we're still extremely good friends on top of it.
- I was able to eventually stop freaking out about the incident, but it was forced-- mainly because every time I mentioned it, he seemed like he was going to become physically sick. He would become very angry with himself and cry. I can't talk about my feelings to him on this one topic, because I'm the strong one in the relationship and he needs me to be comforting.
- The feeling is still inside me though. It creeps up every week, if not every day. I fear-- irrationally, internally, subconsciously-- that he'll have a million sexual partners and go down in history as the king of infidelity. It's a disgusting and unfair feeling and I hate myself for having it.
- I told him I forgave him the minute he confessed, and continued to tell him this, but it never once felt sincere. I love him so much but this feeling eats me up inside. It makes me cry and feel nasty and I just want it to stop.
- Is it true that once someone cheats, they are sure to cheat again? Should I expect him not to? Am I setting myself up for disaster?
- Am I being too emotional? Am I being inappropriately insecure? How do I stop worrying about this?
- Should I try to talk to him about it again? Should I try to forget it? Should I dump him? Should I never leave his side?
- I just feel like cheating is something only an emotionally abusive or uncommitted and unloving person would do, but he is nothing like that at all. I'm so confused. I just want to stop hurting so I can love him like I want to.
- What do I do?
- BF has always had social conformity problems, due to a strong desire to avoid conflict. He's had less serious fallacies like involving himself in recreational drugs, alcohol, and the rebel-without-a-cause sort of activism, none of which he's honestly interested in at all.
- He will insist that he's doing it because he legitimately wants to, but when I say "Is that the truth?" he says "...Probably not..."
- He even told me that he considered cheating on me to be a mistake when I asked him. He's been nothing but loyal to me since, and in fact has been a massive sweetheart, just like he was beforehand and basically has always been.
- These self-realization problems are the ones that I've been helping him get over since we've met, and he is always improving.
a guest Dec 25th, 2011 5 Never
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