Advertisement
Not a member of Pastebin yet?
Sign Up,
it unlocks many cool features!
- OpaRein - 08/08/2016
- OKAY I THINK I MADE IT AVAILABLE
- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rM-WnRAUw6e7B5_syBNhtVyXMMHebDFHLddkslnQQAE/edit
- Google Docs
- "We call it, Bella Notte"
- We call it, Bella Notte[Reinzo] "It sure is a sight at such an hour, don't you agree?" Comes that gravely baritone, ringing soft and sweet in the back of his mind. Hanzo would much sooner blame the temperature for the tremble that rode his spine than the way Reinhardt's voice, even over a...
- Does that work now?
- kumori - 08/08/2016
- yes!
- OpaRein - 08/08/2016
- YESSSSS
- kumori - 08/08/2016
- i'll probably read it when im! done playing ow so
- before i sleep o:
- i'll let you know what comments i have here
- OpaRein - 08/08/2016
- Alright! Take your time ^^ no rush here
- August 9, 2016
- kumori - 08/09/2016
- hmmm i think
- for the first bit? where you have the quote then a paragraph
- it sounds a bit? like abrupt to cut the paragraph there
- so i'd remove the paragraph break
- maybe like
- all of "It sure is a sight at such an hour, don't you agree?"
- Comes that gravely baritone, ringing soft and sweet in the back of his mind. Hanzo would much sooner blame the temperature for the tremble that rode his spine than the way Reinhardt's voice, even over a comm line, seemed to envelop him in an odd, whole feeling. Warm, almost.
- that can be 1 paragraph
- "Kings Row is where they were set for this mission" -> Kings Row was where they were set for this mission
- Kings Row is where they were set for this mission- A team of 6, all positioned in distant points on their target area. All well spread out, all well hidden by the night's cloak. -> King's Row was where they were sent for this mission - a team of six, all positioned at distant points near the target.(edited)
- i think this? next sentence sounds a little awkward i can kind of see the effect you are going for
- All well spread out, all well hidden by the night's cloak. <- this sentence
- like you are going for repetition i can see it
- maybe like
- King's Row was where they were sent for this mission - a team of six, positioned at distant points near the target, all spread out and all well hidden by the night's cloak.
- that's how i might ? change it but? it is up to you haha
- Their mission was to subdue a band of terrorists (Hanzo would call them) said to be transporting a minor pulse bomb to a heavy omnic area. While indifferent to the overall situation personally, as a new recruit to the resurrected name of Overwatch it was his duty to protect all innocent beings.
- -> Their mission was to subdue a band of terrorists (as Hanzo would call them) said to be transporting a minor pulse bomb to an heavily Omnic populated area. While personally indifferent to the overall situation, as a new recruit of the resurrected Overwatch, it was his duty to protect all innocents.
- [i would even suggest using "sworn duty" nstead of duty because this is a reinzo fic and reinhardt would like terms liek sworn duty like? it'd be an interest word choice for the ship like... part of setting the tone almost?]
- http://pastebin.com/Ya3d3d7W(edited)
- i hecked up the formatting for the next part and im too lazy to fix it so you can click this to see what iwould change fo rthe next paragraph
- However, while they had a good 15 minutes to prepare, Reinhardt had, unfortunately, decided to use this time to converse. He'd already burned off what anxieties came with a new mission with various stretches and hype ups, boiling down to a pathetically relaxed state.
- ->
- However, while they had a good fifteen minutes of preparation time, Reinhardt had, unfortunately, decided to use this time to converse instead. He'd already burned off what anxieties came with a new mission beforehand with various stretches and hype ups, boiling down to a pathetically * relaxed state.
- * jw why you used the word pathetically here it seems a little unfitting for reinhardt/the situation i feel like it's good that he's relaxed and pathetically has a bit of negative connotation so maybe find a differnt word that means something similar
- next bit looks alright
- "From all the way up there, how the city lights up at night." Against his better judgement, Hanzo does look up. There has been no activity to report, and if he didn't indulge this blubbering fool in one way he'd surely carry the conversation on through the first wave.
- ->
- "From all the way up there, how the city lights up at night." Against his better judgement, Hanzo does look up. There had been no activity to report, and if he didn't indulge this blubbering fool in one way he'd surely carry the conversation on through the first wave.
- uhhhhh i'd read through your draft again and check for tense cause i think there are some tense errors that im not catching. im not that good at grammar editing myself so you should double check with a different editor!
- The lights of the area, while sickeningly gold this close to the clock tower, were enchanting in a way. They didn't top the way a pale moon painted soft puddles over the rocks and cherry blossoms of Hanamura, but it surely was a sight. The city looked rich, wealthy with halcyon lights, the various lit windows and shops gave way to the grey blue of night and gorgeous yellow freckles of stars. The lights of the town grew * on each building like a flame, bright at the center and near dull at their peaks.
- It was gorgeous. It was beautiful.
- It was-
- * i would swap out grew for a different verb
- also i added some words to the previoucs setnence you probably noticed i feel like this is a bit more clear what you are talking about maybe :?
- i feel awkawrd making so many adjustments but they're just suggestions you don't have to follow them by any means!!!!!!!
- Hanzo's cheeks warm despite himself, and he takes a soft breath in through the nostrils, looking down to see the giant leaning against the massive omnic statue near his point. He's got his helmet in his hands, and even from his altitude Hanzo can feel his affectionate gaze set on himself.
- ->
- Hanzo's cheeks warm despite himself. He takes a soft breath in through his nostrils and looks down to see the giant leaning against the massive Omnic statue near his vantage point. He's got his helmet in his hands, and even from his altitude, Hanzo could feel Reinhardt's affectionate gaze set on himself.
- something like that idk
- "It is fascinating, yes. I can see why you speak so fondly of it." Hanzo nods out with a sigh of boredom, searching for anything to focus his attention on that wasn't his comrade. Reinhardt plucks a flower from the moss gathered around the statue's feet, examining the frail token between massive fingers.
- (just a few tense corrections here)
- His fingertips now run softly over the bow's design, eyes focused now on the giant below.->
- His fingertips ran idly over his bow's design, eyes focused on the giant below.
- maybe? idk
- His attention was brought back once again to the tower.
- As predicted, the sound of a vehicle whirrs from behind him a good distance away,
- Hanzo rolls his shoulders, shakes off the sticky sap clinging to his own ribs from the heart to heart, averting his full attention to the mission at hand.
- it's not clear at first that this is a metaphor so it threw me off a bit when i read it? maybe you could like emphasize that it's a feel like maybe "Hanzo rolled his shoulders and shook off the sticky sappy feeling clinging to his ribs from the heart to heart, diverting his full attention to the mission at hand."
- PERSONAL preference here but i would change the last bit to
- With the smallest of smiles, he lines up a shot.
- It was a date.
- okay! i went through it
- it's pretty cute even though at first i was like woah reinhardt and hanzo pffff
- i liked how you wrote your dialogue and characterization there's nothing that needs to be changed there it's great and
- there's nothing i would suggest to change
- other than some tense issues and vague sentences here or there it looks good
- those are my like? really thorough suggestions if you want to look through them
- OpaRein - 08/09/2016
- Ahhh i'm sorry I got to this late!!! But thank you so much!! I'll try and spruce it up a little today, thank you for reading it over ahhh ❤
Advertisement
Add Comment
Please, Sign In to add comment
Advertisement