Do you want to hear something funny?
I mean, side splittingly hilarious.
Brace yourselves and try not to have a seizure on account of how fucking funny this is okay.
I created a universe.
Well, my friends and I did.
Amazing, right?
In fact it was pretty damn similar to this one.
The universe we created had a version of "Earth", too, which leads me to question how this one ever came into existence without our interference, but I digress-
I'm pretty much a god.
How impressive is that!
It was supposed to be our reward. To enter the universe we made and inhabit our supposed paradise planet.
That's this one.
And rule over it.
This was our prize. The one I'd led us through a six hundred hour campaign of gameplay to win.
And do you know what I gave it?
What I infected this ultimate reward with?
Cancer.
I gave an entire universe cancer.
Ha ha ha.
Yeah.
And that's not even the half of it, no.
That's only the beginning of my stellar leadership career.
Do you want to hear more? Of course you do. Why wouldn't you want to listen to the degradation of my remaining sanity and self respect! It's a goddamn spectacle, I should be selling tickets to see this shit.
I'll tell you.
We were barred from entry to this cancer-ridden "prize" by the personification of the disease itself.
We had to hide out in a godforsaken lab on a godforsaken meteor.
Long story short, we made contact with the inhabitants of this universe we created. Humans. That's you.
Now, me being the hotshot example of maturity and discipline I am, I immediately set up a laser guided assault on said humans' self esteem.
Because I thought it was their fault that we'd been denied our reward. And that we were also all going to die.
While I was mercilessly wrecking these squishy flesh sacks' human shit it came to my attention that they weren't actually that terrible.
Turns out I was the terrible one all along.
In fact it's hard to convey just how terrible.
Fuck.
I don't even know what I was doing then.
I don't know what I'm doing right now.
What am I even saying here? Why am I doing this?
It's so fucking pointless.
Do you know what else happened, while I was being an unmitigated douchesuck to a bunch of aliens?
Trolls died.
My friends died.
While I stood there and watched like an idiot.
I just- I froze up. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to stop it. It was so fucking fast.
In fact if I had tried to stop him he probably would have killed me too.
But because I was a useless sack of shit I survived.
And- one of them did come back. I'm still not sure how. But she did. And I honestly don't know what I would have done if she hadn't.
But the other didn't- and I- if I'd just- I don't know.
That wasn't it either.
While I'd had my back figuratively turned another one of us...
Well, he- he went crazy. Insane. He fucking lost it. And when my species goes cankerplank pusloops what we tend to do is start murdering each other.
And maybe if I'd paid attention to him to begin with instead of my own ridiculous horseshit I could have prevented what happened next.
But again- because I apparently don't learn from the mistakes of my past self, no matter how unforgivable- I froze up.
I couldn't do anything. I got scared, okay.
I've never been more scared of anything or anyone else in my entire life.
I don't think I ever will be again.
So I flaked out.
I told someone else to fix it for me.
I told them to kill him.
Which I wish I could say is the stupidest decision I've ever made, and it's fucking depressing as hell to know that that wasn't.
Because that was incredibly stupid.
I sent him to die. Basically. And- someone else too.
Both of them died because of me.
I might as well have killed them myself.
People died while I shat around avoiding my feelings like a slopspined wriggler.
As if that was a new thing.
That's pretty much what I do best!
In the end I did what I should have to start with.
I don't think you'd get it, so I'm not going to bother explaining. It's a troll thing.
And I'm glad I did it.
But I should have done it sooner. I should have been less of a worthless assmonger of a coward.
Do you know what I really should have done?
I should have let Terezi be the leader.
There. That's the joke.
I'm a failure at everything I have ever tried to accomplish.
I've let down everyone I have ever had even the smallest sliver of respect for.
I'm the reason for the death of an entire universe as well as the people I actually gave a shit about.
Ha ha.
I- don't really know what to say anymore.
I'm out.
I'm done
Memo over I guess.
I'm sorry.